The Best 82 Comed Jokes

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

What did the comedian turned kidnapper say to his hostages?

It's nice to have a captive audience.

What did the redneck say after his girlfriend swallowed?

You gots the purdiest tooth I ever comed across, Sis.

A comedian is called to the IRS...

...they tell him he owes more taxes. He says, "Why?" They say, "Because we appreciated your humor."

What's the best name for a comedian?

Joe King

A comedy actor died at the Oscars...

He was awarded posthumorously

How do comedians stay in shape?

They do set ups.

What does the comedian say to his children on his deathbed?

"No one will appreciate your jokes once you're *dad.*"

A Comedian Walks onto A Stage and Says...

I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience starts shouting: Booooo! That's the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage

Being a comedian is one of the professions that is considered successful when manslaughter is a nightly occurrence

Womans laughter is good too...

Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.

A comedian, a rapist, and the President of the United States are in an elevator ..

and then Barack says to the other guy "Always liked you most in The Cosby Show".

Why did the comedian without a tongue lose his job?

All his jokes were a bit tasteless.

Why did the comedian go to doctor?

Because the audience gave him the clap

When comedian Jimmy Carr was told by an obese women "I think you're fatist," he responded, "No. I think you're fattest."

What did the comedian eat on Easter?

Hot cross puns.

What did the comedy coach tell his worst student after his practice?

"Are you making a Mochrie out of improv?"

Where do comedian Eskimos live?

A Giggloo.

Why did the comedian quit boxing?

He always missed the punchline.

Why was the comedian so depressed?

He felt like everyone was just laughing at him.

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

What did the comedy club proprietor say to the FedEx guy?

The jokes are ok but you need to work on your delivery.

What did the comedian ask the idiot ?

What did the comedian ask the idiot ...

Why didn't the comedian make a tree joke?

He wood have, but he decided to leaf it to other branches of the community.

Why did the comedian mermaid die ?

Because it had a dry sense of humor .

What did the comedian say before he hung himself?

"Sorry for being a noose-ance."

Why do comedians always have such bad sleeps?

Because they fall asleep funny!

What did the comedian do when his joke did not go home with the audience?

He became a boxer and delivered a strong punchline.

What does a comedian do in a chair?

Stand-up

Why did the comedian get kicked out of the hen house?

He cracked one to many yolks.

Comedy is like a baby shower

Useless if the delivery goes wrong

Comedy show

I'm going to do a show where I spin strawberries while I tell puns

I'll call it "Turn of Fraise"

What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy?

Sitcoms

They say comedy is an aphrodisiac.

So I guess when women laugh at me after sex it's a good thing?

They say comedy comes from a dark place.

That's why farts are so funny.

Who are the best comedians?

Feminists.

A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist

So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

I saw Comedy Central launch a funny non-political TV show...

Then I woke up

They say comedy equals tragedy plus time, but who has time for that?

That's the whole joke... sorry... Have a haiku?

Life is but a joke

Behind everybody's face

Skulls smile agreement

A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients.

I hear his jokes killed.

A comedian showed up to his venue..

There was only one person, sitting in the back of the rows of chairs.
"Thanks for coming out," the comedian said.
The man responded, "hurry up so I can clean this place."

Oy! Everyone's a comedian nowadays!

Personally my favourite of the Watchmen is Rorshach, but each to their own I s'pose.

A comedian walks into a bathroom

It's a comic relief.

Comedians have found a new way to recycle old material

It's called Amy Schumer

Why did the comedian get banned from performing for prisoners?

His jokes made people break out laughing.

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

I went to a comedy club the other night, and the comedian didn't show up.

No joke.

Do you want to know why I can't become a comedian?

I can't drive schtick

I'm a comedian and I just signed a one-year contract with HBO!

I even get the premium channels

Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I'm on stage people keep laughing at me

A comedian and his friend are having a Tetris battle.

But the comedian lost because he only had one liners.

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

Here is some comedy gold for you

,d Au

I'm a comedian with muscular dystrophy

I'll be here all weak

Why did the comedian steal the skeleton's arm bone?

He thought it would be humerus.

If a comedy is something that makes you laugh and a tragedy is something that cry, what's a dramady?

I believe it's a type of camel.

I used to be a comedian. Ask me why i quit.

Buddy: "Why did you-"

Me: "Timing."

Buddy: "quit?"

Comedian MMA fighter strangles man

with a jokehold

Where does a comedian study?

Ha ha ha ha haha ha-Harvard

Comedians are often sad clowns

Like their jokes, they tend to be tearable.

I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion

I got booed off the stage

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers

Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

Why don't comedians like being quarantined?

They can only make inside jokes.

A comedian was fighting a pro boxer

The comedian told a joke. Then the comedian punched the pro boxer in the face. The the comedian asked did you get my punchline?

Comedians have decided to take covid 19 more seriously

From now on they'll only be telling inside jokes

I went to a comedy bakery the other day...

The baker didn't loaf at his own jokes.

It was a bread pan delivery.

A comedians daughter made a new type of ''knock knock'' joke

Then she asks if he will remember her in a second

He answers ''yes''

She asks if he will remember her in a minute

He answers ''yes''

She asks if he will remember her in an hour

He answers ''yes''

She says ''knock knock''

He answers ''who's there?''

She answers ''you told me you would remember me!''

How did the comedian die?

He had a sense of tumour.

Being a 6'3 comedian...

a lot of my jokes revolve around short people. However, after receiving multiple complaints, ive decided to stop making short jokes now.

I'm above that.

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway

Now they're just buried treasure

A comedian pretends to enter a marathon...

It's a running joke.

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

Poison

A worried man goes to see his priest.

"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."

Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison"

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They're just gonna laugh at me.

What is a comedic skeleton's best asset?

His humerus.

What do comedians eat for breakfast?

Pun-cakes.

What's a comedians favorite wrestling move??¿?

The Knee Slapper

A Comedian in Russia.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.