Comed Jokes

Following is our collection of hostages puns and comedies one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Comed jokes for adults, dirty kim jokes and clean baltimore dad gags for kids.

The Best Comed Puns

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Here is some comedy gold for you

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There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...


Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I'm on stage people keep laughing at me

A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist

So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

Why don't comedians like being quarantined?

They can only make inside jokes.

Poison

A worried man goes to see his priest.

"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."

Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison"

I'm a comedian with muscular dystrophy

I'll be here all weak

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material


Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.

Why did the comedian go to doctor?

Because the audience gave him the clap

Being a 6'3 comedian...

a lot of my jokes revolve around short people. However, after receiving multiple complaints, ive decided to stop making short jokes now.

I'm above that.

What does the comedian say to his children on his deathbed?

"No one will appreciate your jokes once you're *dad.*"

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients.

I hear his jokes killed.

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

A Comedian Walks onto A Stage and Says...

I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience starts shouting: Booooo! That's the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage


A comedian pretends to enter a marathon...

It's a running joke.

A comedian is called to the IRS...

...they tell him he owes more taxes. He says, "Why?" They say, "Because we appreciated your humor."

What did the comedian turned kidnapper say to his hostages?

It's nice to have a captive audience.

I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion

I got booed off the stage

How did the comedian die?

He had a sense of tumour.

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway


Now they're just buried treasure

Why was the comedian so depressed?

He felt like everyone was just laughing at him.

I used to be a comedian. Ask me why i quit.

Buddy: "Why did you-"

Me: "Timing."

Buddy: "quit?"

I went to a comedy club the other night, and the comedian didn't show up.

No joke.

A comedian walks to the stage

Comedian: let's do a white racist joke
Us whites like the same things

We like the same sandwich: peanut butter and-

Audience: JELLY!

Comedian: we like the same chips.

Salt and vi-

Audience: NEGAR

What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy?

Sitcoms

Comedy is like a baby shower

Useless if the delivery goes wrong

A comedian walks into a bathroom

It's a comic relief.

They say comedy comes from a dark place.

That's why farts are so funny.

Why didn't the comedian make a tree joke?

He wood have, but he decided to leaf it to other branches of the community.

Why did the comedian quit boxing?

He always missed the punchline.

Where do comedian Eskimos live?

A Giggloo.

What did the comedy coach tell his worst student after his practice?

"Are you making a Mochrie out of improv?"

They say comedy is an aphrodisiac.

So I guess when women laugh at me after sex it's a good thing?

A comedians daughter made a new type of ''knock knock'' joke

Then she asks if he will remember her in a second

He answers ''yes''

She asks if he will remember her in a minute

He answers ''yes''

She asks if he will remember her in an hour

He answers ''yes''

She says ''knock knock''

He answers ''who's there?''

She answers ''you told me you would remember me!''

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers

Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

Why did the comedian steal the skeleton's arm bone?

He thought it would be humerus.

Who are the best comedians?

Feminists.

What did the comedy club proprietor say to the FedEx guy?

The jokes are ok but you need to work on your delivery.

Comedians have decided to take covid 19 more seriously

From now on they'll only be telling inside jokes

Where does a comedian study?

Ha ha ha ha haha ha-Harvard

A comedian showed up to his venue..

There was only one person, sitting in the back of the rows of chairs.
"Thanks for coming out," the comedian said.
The man responded, "hurry up so I can clean this place."

I saw Comedy Central launch a funny non-political TV show...

Then I woke up

What did the comedian say before he hung himself?

"Sorry for being a noose-ance."

How do comedians stay in shape?

They do set ups.

What did the redneck say after his girlfriend swallowed?

You gots the purdiest tooth I ever comed across, Sis.

Do you want to know why I can't become a comedian?

I can't drive schtick

Why did the comedian mermaid die ?

Because it had a dry sense of humor .

What did the comedian eat on Easter?

Hot cross puns.

When comedian Jimmy Carr was told by an obese women "I think you're fatist," he responded, "No. I think you're fattest."

Why did the comedian without a tongue lose his job?

All his jokes were a bit tasteless.

A comedian was fighting a pro boxer

The comedian told a joke. Then the comedian punched the pro boxer in the face. The the comedian asked did you get my punchline?

Comedians are often sad clowns

Like their jokes, they tend to be tearable.

A comedian and his friend are having a Tetris battle.

But the comedian lost because he only had one liners.

I'm a comedian and I just signed a one-year contract with HBO!

I even get the premium channels

What does a comedian do in a chair?

Stand-up

Being a comedian is one of the professions that is considered successful when manslaughter is a nightly occurrence

Womans laughter is good too...

What's the best name for a comedian?

Joe King

I went to a comedy bakery the other day...

The baker didn't loaf at his own jokes.

It was a bread pan delivery.

If a comedy is something that makes you laugh and a tragedy is something that cry, what's a dramady?

I believe it's a type of camel.

Why did the comedian get banned from performing for prisoners?

His jokes made people break out laughing.

They say comedy equals tragedy plus time, but who has time for that?

That's the whole joke... sorry... Have a haiku?


Life is but a joke

Behind everybody's face

Skulls smile agreement

Why did the comedian get kicked out of the hen house?

He cracked one to many yolks.

What do comedians call a blindfold?

A sight gag

Comedians are like Pandemics

They spend all their time traveling the world, Until people start noticing that they're killing. Then some special recording happens-to-make ev'ry-one stay home.

What is the body's comedy festival called?

Humer us

How did the comedian get a heart attack?

He had too much cholesterLOL!

Two comedians are walking on a street

"Are you more of a set-up or punch-line kind of person?", asks the first.

The second replies: "Oh, definitely a set-up person."

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

One of his alegged victims says "I feel like I've been played like a puppet."

I'd be a comedian but...

I'm not a funny person, I couldn't even get this joke right

A comedian and a chameleon get into a fight

The comedian makes a sad joke and the chameleon turns blue.

Turns out sitting on a chameleon was the best way to win.

Comedian MMA fighter strangles man

with a jokehold

I was in a comedy club where the performer referred to asians with the n-word in one of his jokes.

I thought that was a bit off-color.

Comedians have found a new way to recycle old material

It's called Amy Schumer

I went to comedy show where all the comedians are dead.

They were telling some posthumorous jokes.

Oy! Everyone's a comedian nowadays!

Personally my favourite of the Watchmen is Rorshach, but each to their own I s'pose.

How do comedians draft their shows?

Pun on paper.

Comedy show

I'm going to do a show where I spin strawberries while I tell puns

I'll call it "Turn of Fraise"

There is an abundance of bill jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 82 funniest jokes and comed puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any buffalo come witze you can hear about comed.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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