Comed Jokes
108 comed jokes and hilarious comed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about comed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Comed Short Jokes
Short comed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The comed humour may include short buffalo come jokes also.
- Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
- Girl: "Come over" Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
- Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
- My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American I saw it coming from a kilometre away
- Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.
- Girl: Come over Guy: I'm coming over
Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over - My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
- Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races? Because he likes to come in a little behind.
- Reviews for Hogwarts Legacy are coming in. Most reviewers are giving it a 9 3/4 depending on the platform.
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Comed One Liners
Which comed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with comed? I can suggest the ones about captive and entire.
- New Teslas don't come with a new car smell They come with an Elon Musk.
- Where do asian neckbeards come from? M'laysia
- With great reflexes... Comes great response ability.
- Your mum is so slow It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke
- "Dead or alive, you're coming with me." Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
- Why haven't alien come to our solar system? They checked our reviews.
One star. - I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me
- Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word
- How come Barbie never got pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box.
- On the perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice? So... Can I come inside?
- How come ants don't get sick? ...because they have lil' anty-bodies
*runs away* - Where do duck farts come from? Their buttquacks.
- I can't come up with any jokes about cutting down trees. I'm stumped.
- Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in other boxes.
- Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork… Think I nailed it!
Uproarious Comed Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about comed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sitcom jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make comed pranks.
Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault
After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been f**... them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this a**.... Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.
What did the comedian turned kidnapper say to his hostages?
It's nice to have a captive audience.
What did the r**... say after his girlfriend swallowed?
You gots the purdiest tooth I ever comed across, Sis.
A comedian is called to the IRS...
...they tell him he owes more taxes. He says, "Why?" They say, "Because we appreciated your humor."
What's the best name for a comedian?
Joe King
Comedy Central Comedian coming to Taft Ca's Oasis Bar November 14th
How do comedians stay in shape?
They do set ups.
Comedy is all about timing, timing, and
What does the comedian say to his children on his deathbed?
"No one will appreciate your jokes once you're *dad.*"
A Comedian Walks onto A Stage and Says...
I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience starts shouting: Booooo! That's the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage
Being a comedian is one of the professions that is considered successful when manslaughter is a nightly occurrence
Womans laughter is good too...
Comedic Timing.
Your mom.
Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.
It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.
A comedian, a r**..., and the President of the United States are in an elevator ..
and then Barack says to the other guy "Always liked you most in The Cosby Show".
Why did the comedian without a tongue lose his job?
All his jokes were a bit tasteless.
Why did the comedian go to doctor?
Because the audience gave him the clap
When comedian Jimmy Carr was told by an obese women "I think you're fatist," he responded, "No. I think you're fattest."
What did the comedian eat on Easter?
Hot cross puns.
What did the comedy coach tell his worst student after his practice?
"Are you making a Mochrie out of improv?"
Where do comedian Eskimos live?
A Giggloo.
Why did the comedian quit boxing?
He always missed the punchline.
Why was the comedian so depressed?
He felt like everyone was just laughing at him.
What's a comedians least favorite drink?
Booze
What did the comedy club proprietor say to the FedEx guy?
The jokes are ok but you need to work on your delivery.
Why didn't the comedian make a tree joke?
He wood have, but he decided to leaf it to other branches of the community.
Why did the comedian mermaid die ?
Because it had a dry sense of humor .
What did the comedian say before he hung himself?
"Sorry for being a noose-ance."
What does a comedian do in a chair?
Stand-up
Why did the comedian get kicked out of the hen house?
He cracked one to many yolks.
Comedy is like a baby shower
Useless if the delivery goes wrong
Comedy show
I'm going to do a show where I spin strawberries while I tell puns
I'll call it "Turn of Fraise"
What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy?
Sitcoms
A comedian walks to the stage
Comedian: let's do a white racist joke
Us w**... like the same things
We like the same sandwich: peanut butter and-
Audience: JELLY!
Comedian: we like the same chips.
Salt and vi-
Audience: NEGAR
They say comedy is an aphrodisiac.
So I guess when women laugh at me after s**... it's a good thing?
How do comedians draft their shows?
Pun on paper.
They say comedy comes from a dark place.
That's why farts are so funny.
Who are the best comedians?
Feminists.
A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist
So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.
I saw Comedy Central launch a funny non-political TV show...
Then I woke up
They say comedy equals tragedy plus time, but who has time for that?
That's the whole joke... sorry... Have a haiku?
Life is but a joke
Behind everybody's face
Skulls smile agreement
A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients.
I hear his jokes killed.
A comedian showed up to his venue..
There was only one person, sitting in the back of the rows of chairs.
"Thanks for coming out," the comedian said.
The man responded, "hurry up so I can clean this place."
A comedian walks into a bathroom
It's a comic relief.
I was in a comedy club where the performer referred to asians with the n-word in one of his jokes.
I thought that was a bit off-color.
Why did the comedian get banned from performing for prisoners?
His jokes made people break out laughing.
The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.
Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material
I went to a comedy club the other night, and the comedian didn't show up.
No joke.
Do you want to know why I can't become a comedian?
I can't drive schtick
I'm a comedian and I just signed a one-year contract with HBO!
I even get the premium channels
Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety
Whenever I'm on stage people keep laughing at me
A comedian and his friend are having a Tetris battle.
But the comedian lost because he only had one liners.
There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...
...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...
Here is some comedy gold for you
,d Au
I'm a comedian with muscular dystrophy
I'll be here all weak
Why did the comedian steal the skeleton's arm bone?
He thought it would be humerus.
If a comedy is something that makes you laugh and a tragedy is something that cry, what's a dramady?
I believe it's a type of camel.
I used to be a comedian. Ask me why i quit.
Buddy: "Why did you-"
Me: "Timing."
Buddy: "quit?"
Where does a comedian study?
Ha ha ha ha haha ha-Harvard
I'd be a comedian but...
I'm not a funny person, I couldn't even get this joke right
Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault
One of his alegged victims says "I feel like I've been played like a puppet."
Comedians are often sad clowns
Like their jokes, they tend to be tearable.
I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion
I got booed off the stage
How did the comedian get a heart attack?
He had too much cholesterLOL!
I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers
Two hours, one joke.
I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.
I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.
What is the body's comedy festival called?
Humer us
Comedians are like Pandemics
They spend all their time traveling the world, Until people start noticing that they're killing. Then some special recording happens-to-make ev'ry-one stay home.
Why don't comedians like being quarantined?
They can only make inside jokes.
A comedian was fighting a pro boxer
The comedian told a joke. Then the comedian punched the pro boxer in the face. The the comedian asked did you get my punchline?
Comedians have decided to take covid 19 more seriously
From now on they'll only be telling inside jokes
I went to a comedy bakery the other day...
The baker didn't loaf at his own jokes.
It was a bread pan delivery.
A comedians daughter made a new type of ''knock knock'' joke
Then she asks if he will remember her in a second
He answers ''yes''
She asks if he will remember her in a minute
He answers ''yes''
She asks if he will remember her in an hour
He answers ''yes''
She says ''knock knock''
He answers ''who's there?''
She answers ''you told me you would remember me!''
How did the comedian die?
He had a sense of tumour.
Being a 6'3 comedian...
a lot of my jokes revolve around short people. However, after receiving multiple complaints, ive decided to stop making short jokes now.
I'm above that.
Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.
Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.
Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure
Well, they used to be anyway
Now they're just buried treasure
A comedian pretends to enter a marathon...
It's a running joke.
Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.
His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.
Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.
His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.
Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.
What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?
Why Tso serious?
Poison
A worried man goes to see his priest.
"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison"
As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage
They're just gonna laugh at me.
What is a comedic skeleton's best asset?
His humerus.
What do comedians eat for breakfast?
Pun-cakes.
