Combat Jokes

How did my parents combat boredom before the internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

People often misuse the word "chivalry."

I looked up the rules of chivalry. Only one part is about respecting women. The rest is medieval battle etiquette.

The other day I didn't open a door for a women behind me. "I guess chivlary is dead," she said. Enraged, I challenged her to armed combat

Turns out I'm the better jouster.

Chivalry is alive but that woman is dead.

A cowboy walks into a saloon…

and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle.

The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, Hey, them's fightin' words!

The Chinese have successfully tested their new Stealth Drones.

Not only will they be used in Recon and Combat missions but they will have the ability to drop vital equipment onto the battlefield.

They will have the element of supplies.

I hear my local school wants to introduce massage classes to help combat stress but there's been a lot of opposition from parents' groups.

Apparently, it's a very touchy subject.

Paratrooper

How many successful jumps does a paratrooper have to make before he is ready for combat?

All of them.

"Masturbation" is such a harsh word...

I prefer "Hand-to-gland combat".

How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?

Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

A typographer joined the military

He was trained in Arial combat

Disney has announced that all future Marvel movies will have an all male cast.

They are doing their part to combat the heroine epidemic.

What do you call it when two men without arms get into a fight?

Unarmed combat

Racist Jokes

Can we please start a thread of just racist jokes? Honestly the jokes here are really lacking we can combat that with crude racism.

New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

To combat drug addiction, Christians are now rebranding herion as "Jesus"

One should never take the Lord's name in vein.

If we were to have a small food fight, would we be engaging in Morsel Combat?

How do you combat espionage?

Umbreonage

What kind of combat training do the recruits in the Israeli army receive?

Jew-Jitsu.

North Korea has made a plan to combat COVID-19

It is executed perfectly

What is the best weapon to combat cyber terrorism?

Galaxy Nuke 7

What do you call a duel between two pigs?

Ham to ham combat!

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "THIS ISN'T EVEN REPOSTED!"

What branch of the military is most superior at hand-to-hand combat?

The Arm-y

Why is Hardtack so tough?

It's bread for combat.

What do you call weaponized sushi?

A combat roll

I now understand why the Brits have leftenants instead of lieutenants

Otherwise they'd be renting bathrooms during combat.

How does Kim Jong Un maintain power in North Korea and combat ED?

He puts on fake erections

Did you hear about the female soldier who deserted her unit during combat to tend to her yeast infection?

She was sentenced with dishonorable discharge.

How do you combat Global Warming?

Start another Cold War

What do snakes take to combat their allergies?

Anti-hissss-tamines!

You mama is so ugly...

Even Scorpion from Mortal Combat says: "Stay over there!"

How do you stop a hippie from drowning?

Take your combat boot off his head.

I dont want to talk about the hand-on-hand combat class that I am taking.

It's a touchy subject.

Army doc says I'm no longer fit for combat due to falling in love with with soldiers on both sides.

He says I'm suffering from an *Affinity War.*

Women shouldn't be in combat roles because

they'll just bleed

What's it called when birds of prey engage in rhythmic combat?

A RAP-tor battle!! (Credit to my friend who made this up)

Why are the mantises so powerful in combat?

Because they pray.

What did the red devil squid say when he was beaten in combat?

I am Humboldt.

What hymn did the snarky gamer suggest for Sunday mass?

The Halo: Combat Evolved theme song.


Everyone rejoiced.

TIL During navel combat, there is a formal callout for when a destroyer accidentally targets a friendly submarine.

Whoops, wrong sub

I am going to start an amatuer fishing group for people who have lost their arms in combat.

We'll call it "Hooks, line, and sinker."

Jesuits vs Dominicans

What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits.
They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.

What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?

Heard this from priest and took format from somewhere.

If multiple female jet pilots engage in air combat, would that be a cat fight?

The difference between Karate and Judo.

Karate is a combat and self defense technique developed in japan that requires years of intense training and dedication to master.



Judo is what they make bagels out of.