Coma Jokes

Following is our collection of icu puns and recovery one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Coma jokes for adults, dirty paralysis jokes and clean vegetative dad gags for kids.

The Best Coma Puns

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."

John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?

A vegetarian.


A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

A woman wakes up from a coma and...

A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks.Β He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks.Β I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

I had a gay friend in high school...

...who fell into a coma. We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable.

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"

"Danephew."

Comas make a big difference in a sentence.

For example,

Ben is in a hurry.

Ben is in a coma.


So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.

He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks.

The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"

A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.

Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?

Doctor: Denise.

Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew.

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.

And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

Comas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

"Donald is in a hurry."

"Donald is in a coma."


A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...

6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"

If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me...

And then plug me back in. See if that works.

When a vegetarian turns into a zombie, what does it eat?

Coma patients.

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.

When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".

The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".

What do you call a gay person in a coma?

A tomato.

Because they are both a fruit and a vegetable.

Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.

A little confused he asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"

TIL Hours before Edison died , he came out of coma , opened his eyes and said "It is very beautiful over there"

Well tesla said it first anyways.

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017

Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.

Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?

Atrophy.

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

How to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.

What's the best thing about being a cannibal in a coma ward?

Fresh vegetables.

If I'm ever in a coma unplug me.

Then plug me back in and see if that fixes the problem.

What do you call a gay guy in a coma?

A tomato

Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?

The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

Woman in a coma

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."

My friend was in a comma

The doctor said "Do you mean coma?" and I replied "No, it's just a short rest."

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:

"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"

After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:

"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....

...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"

The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."

The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."

"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.

"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

A pregnant woman goes into a coma

A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.

Stand by your man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat".

I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.

Husband in coma

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

A woman is pregnant with twins.

A woman is pregnant with twins. During her last month of pregnancy, she falls into a coma. When she wakes up, the doctor tells her that she had a girl and a boy, and that her brother claimed them until she came to. Immediately, she panics at the thought of her brother supervising her newborns.

"What did he name them?" She asks anxiously.

"He named the girl Denise", the doctor says.

That's not too bad, she thought, relieved. "What did he name my son?"

"Denephew."

Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...

...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little oral sex is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines & dies. The nurse runs in & asks what happened.
"I'm not positive, but I think she choked to death!"

A man wakes up from a five year coma...

Doctor: Sir you've been out for a long time and I'm afraid I have some terrible news.

Patient: Oh I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo

A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program

You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.

Wife was in ICU

Doctor: She is in a coma.

Husband: Please save her. She's just 30.

*Just then, ECG starts beeping. Fingers move. Her lips mumbled...

And she spoke:
I'm 29

Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters...

Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters*
.
.
.
I owe my life to justin.
On march 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash.

One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, So I got up and turned the radio off.

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now, and the doctor told me to expect the worst.

So I had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

I just woke up from a 13month coma

Just in time to see my wife give birth

The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan's casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.

She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin to raise the casket. Susan's husband rises and shouts: Be careful not to hit the wall this time, you dimwits!!

What do you call a ward full of coma patients

A vegetable garden.

This girl asked me how long I last in bed

I told her I was once in coma for 12months

There is an abundance of trance jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes and coma puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any unconscious witze you can hear about coma.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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