Coma Jokes
122 coma jokes and hilarious coma puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about coma that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make light of the serious topic of comas with these hilarious coma jokes! Laugh out loud at jokes about hospital comas, food comas, braindead situations, comatose patients, and the ICU. Who said hospital jokes can't be funny?
Quick Jump To
- Short Coma Jokes
- Coma One Liners
- Waking Coma Jokes
- Hospital Coma Jokes
- Fell Coma Jokes
- Food Coma Jokes
- More Coma Jokes
Funniest Coma Short Jokes
Short coma jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The coma humour may include short cope jokes also.
- A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example: *Ben is in a hurry.*
*Ben is in a coma.* - Fox News actually saved my life. I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
- Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence... For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma." - John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: No you don't. - I had a gay friend in high school... ...who fell into a coma. We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable.
- Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example,
Ben is in a hurry.
Ben is in a coma. - So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma... ...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.
- Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable." Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag." - Comas can change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
"Donald is in a hurry."
"Donald is in a coma." - If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me... And then plug me back in. See if that works.
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Coma One Liners
Which coma one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with coma? I can suggest the ones about comb and pain.
- What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients? A vegetarian.
- When a vegetarian turns into a zombie, what does it eat? Coma patients.
- There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes'
- What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win? Atrophy.
- What's the best thing about being a cannibal in a coma ward? Fresh vegetables.
- If I'm ever in a coma unplug me. Then plug me back in and see if that fixes the problem.
- What do you call a gay guy in a coma? A tomato
- Why did the cannibal only eat people in comas? He was going Vegan!
- I just woke up from a 13month coma Just in time to see my wife give birth
- What do you call a ward full of coma patients A vegetable garden.
- This girl asked me how long I last in bed I told her I was once in coma for 12months
- Why did the cannibal eat only people in a coma? He was a vegetarian.
- What did the coma patient win? A-trophy.
- What do you call an unconscious foot? Coma-toes!
(I made up this joke when I was 10.) - John Cena wakes up from a coma. JC: Where am I?
Nurse: ICU.
JC: No you don't.
Waking Coma Jokes
Here is a list of funny waking coma jokes and even better waking coma puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Harry Potter wakes up in hospital. "Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor.
"What happened?" asked Harry
"You ran face first into a wall." - I was in a coma... Doctor: he might never wake up from his coma.
Wife: He says he left all his ligma for you in his will
Doctor: what is ligma
*My body starts convulsing* - What is it called when a person wakes up from a coma and tells you about their experience? Veggietales.
- A man wake up from a coma and see that Trump is president... ... he says "Wow this is a really elaborate April fool's joke".
- John Cena wakes up in a hospital John Cena wakes up in a hospital after a 6-month coma
John:"Where...where am I?"
Nurse:"ICU Sir"
John:"No...no you cannot" - I owe my life to Justin Beiber. I was in coma for two years, until one of the nurses played one of his songs on the radio in my room.
I had to wake up to turn it off. - So John cena wakes up from a coma... He asks the doctor "where am I?"
The doctor says "ICU"
And John cena says "no you don't" - If you're reading this, you've been in a coma for 10 years We're trying a new technique.
We don't know where this message will end up in your dream, but we're hoping we got through
PLEASE WAKE UP - If I'm ever on life support in an ICU and don't wake up from a coma, please turn the system off. And then back on and see if that works.
- A man wakes up after 12 years in coma Patient- I can't wait to explore the world.Thank You ma'am for -
Nurse- did you just assume my gender?
Hospital Coma Jokes
Here is a list of funny hospital coma jokes and even better hospital coma puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A woman lost so much menstrual blood she ended up unconscious for several weeks in a hospital. I hate it when I intend a period but end up with a coma.
- They had to put my handgun under at the hospital He's in a glock coma
- A gay teenager gets put into a coma in car accident At the hospital the father says "Well, he was a fruit now he's a vegetable. He's still in the produce isle"
- What's the best thing about hospitals? If you find a girl in a coma, she can't say no.
Fell Coma Jokes
Here is a list of funny fell coma jokes and even better fell coma puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the gay guy that fell into a coma? It's the first reported case of a fruit becoming a vegetable.
- One patient fell into a coma One patient fell into a coma for 2 years while hiding.
He got atrophy. - Did you hear that the king of the jungle fell into a deep, deep sleep? He's a lion in a coma.
Food Coma Jokes
Here is a list of funny food coma jokes and even better food coma puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Food Coma…. A health forum speaker asks, Which food causes extreme suffering for years after eating it.
After a long silence, an old man answered,
Wedding Cake ……. - What's a car c**... victim's favorite breakfast food? Coma toast.
- My grandma was nearly charged with attempted m**.... But my parents dropped the claim when I came out of my food coma.
Playful Coma Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about coma you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean misc jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make coma pranks.
Stand by your man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more comfortable.....like a coma!!!!!
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.
How to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.
A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....
...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"
The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."
The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."
"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.
"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...
6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"
A guy wakes up from a coma.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
I owe my life to Justin Bieber.
On March 9th, 2009, I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible accident. One day my nurse turned the radio over to a song by Justin Bieber, so I got up and turned the radio off.
Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters...
Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters*
.
.
.
I owe my life to justin.
On march 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car c**....
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, So I got up and turned the radio off.
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
Woman in a coma
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that o**... s**... will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."
A woman is pregnant with twins.
A woman is pregnant with twins. During her last month of pregnancy, she falls into a coma. When she wakes up, the doctor tells her that she had a girl and a boy, and that her brother claimed them until she came to. Immediately, she panics at the thought of her brother supervising her newborns.
"What did he name them?" She asks anxiously.
"He named the girl Denise", the doctor says.
That's not too bad, she thought, relieved. "What did he name my son?"
"Denephew."
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath
They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think o**... s**... may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.
A woman gives birth to twins and then goes into a coma
When she wakes up, she realises that she is yet to name her child.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry about that miss. Your brother was here while you were unconscious. He named your children.
Mother: What!? My brother is a complete idiot! Oh God, what did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Mother: Oh, I guess that's not too bad. What a relief. And what did he name my son?
Doctor: ....Denephew
So an Australian wakes up from his coma in a hospital after a brutal car c**......
...and the first thing he sees is a beautiful nurse!
So he asks her, "Did I come here to die?"
The nurse replies, "Nope, you came here yesterday."
:D
A pregnant woman got in a car wreck and went into a coma.
While in the coma, she gave birth to twins.
4 months later she woke up asking where her kids were.
The nurse informed her she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and her brother has been taking care of them.
The woman said "Oh no, not my idiot brother. What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise" the nurse said.
"Oh, that's not bad. What about the boy"
The nurse replied "Da-nephew"
Husband in coma
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
A woman wakes up from a coma and...
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...
...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little o**... s**... is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines & dies. The nurse runs in & asks what happened.
"I'm not positive, but I think she choked to death!"
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so s**...! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
A woman gives birth to a girl and a boy but falls into a coma for a few months.
After she wakes up the doctor says "stay calm. You fell into a coma after having twins. Your brother came to pick them up and even name them."
The mother is worried "Oh no my Brother is terrible with names!"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
The mother looks relieved "well that's not so bad. What did he name the boy?"
"Denephew"
A man wakes up from a five year coma...
Doctor: Sir you've been out for a long time and I'm afraid I have some terrible news.
Patient: Oh I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo
A pregnant woman goes into a coma
A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."
TIL Hours before Edison died , he came out of coma , opened his eyes and said "It is very beautiful over there"
Well tesla said it first anyways.
Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?
The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.
Wife was in ICU
Doctor: She is in a coma.
Husband: Please save her. She's just 30.
*Just then, ECG starts beeping. Fingers move. Her lips mumbled...
And she spoke:
I'm 29
What's in a name?
A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."
What do you call a sauna full of coma patients?
A vegetable steamer.
*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017
Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.
Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.
A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program
You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.
My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now, and the doctor told me to expect the worst.
So I had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.
What do you call a gay person in a coma?
A tomato.
Because they are both a fruit and a vegetable.
My wife was in a coma for 6 months and the doctor told me that although it's unconventional that I could try o**... to wake her up so I decided to give it a try but after 5 minutes I gave up and the doctor asked what happened...
She just kept choking.
Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!
Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.
The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan's casket on the wall...
... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.
She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) f**... the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin to raise the casket. Susan's husband rises and shouts: Be careful not to hit the wall this time, you dimwits!!
Commas can really change a sentence
For example:
John is in a hurry
John is in a coma
My friend was in a comma
The doctor said "Do you mean coma?" and I replied "No, it's just a short rest."
There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat".
I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.
Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.
A little confused he asked "where am I?"
Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"
"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself
slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"
A woman is in a coma in hospital
The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
Only o**... can Save Her
A man's wife goes into a coma.
The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have o**... s**... with her"
The man says"my god...."
Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"
The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"
He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"
A man ends up in a 30-year coma.
After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.
He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."
The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.
When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".
The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".
After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.
After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..
"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.
"It may be time to take away her life support."
Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt upright in bed..
"Did someone mention takeaway?"
A pregnant lady went into a coma
Months later she wake up, no longer pregnant
"You had twins, a boy and a girl" the nurse exclaims "your brother named them"
"What did he name the girl?" the woman asked
"Denise"
"That's alright, I like Denise, what about the boy?"
"Denephew"
What do you call it when your foot falls asleep?
Coma toes.
A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.
He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.
When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.
An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.
He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"
After a long and serious operation, Edna ended up in a coma.
Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news, "We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid."
The doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice. Ralph looked at Edna and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young she's only 48."
"37," came the weak reply from Edna.
After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...
What's the difference between a comma and a coma?
One pauses your sentence, the other pauses your life.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?
What dear? She asked gently.
I think you bring me bad luck.
A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.
"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
A Woman gives birth.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later she wakes and asks the doctor about her baby, Doctor says you had twins a boy and a girl, your brother has named them. Oh no he is an idiot! what did he name the girl? "Denise", Oh that's not so bad says the woman, and the boy?.
Denephew.
A woman wakes up from coma...
Doctor: You've been in coma for the past 3 months
Woman: Oh no! Is the baby ok?
Doctor: Yes everything is fine, you had twins! A boy and a girl. And your brother got to name them :)
Woman: Nooo my brother is an idiot! What did he name them??
Doctor: He named the girl Deniece.
Woman: Oh.. That's actually not a bad name. Maybe my brother isn't an idiot after all. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: ...Denephew.
Nurse: You've been in a coma since 1995
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