Colonel Jokes

Following is our collection of firefight puns and general one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Colonel jokes for adults, dirty soldier jokes and clean corporal dad gags for kids.

The Best Colonel Puns

I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.

He said, "It's Private."

I said, "Come on, you can tell me."

Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

How much of sex is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.

Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.

Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'

The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

Did you hear about the lieutenant that had to watch a corn field?

He's a colonel now

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Colonel Sanders wanted to show him a secret...

If there is ever a corn army, I'll join it...

...and I'll be the colonel.

Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.

"So?" says Petya.

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream where an FSB colonel hinted at me that I should leave this matter alone."

Yo mama is so fat that she is voting for Sanders


What rank does Corn have in the Vegetable Army?


I just thought of that while eating popcorn, I hope this hasnt been already posted.

If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank.

Colonel sounds right to me.

What do you call an orphaned 9 year old boy in Central Africa?

Colonel Sir!

Your momma's so stupid...

...she asked what army Colonel Sanders was in.

Known thy enemy Sun Tzu-The Art of War

What? -Colonel George Custer after the Battle of Little Bighorn.

A sergeant and a colonel walk into a bar.

Spelling teachers run out in tears.

Why was Bernie Sanders rejected from the army?

There can on be one Colonel Sanders

Why was Colonel Sanders like MacBeth?

Because they both... did murder most foul.

Bernie Sanders should change his name to Colonel.

That way he'll surely get the black vote.

Brigadier Popcorn was recently demoted.

He is a colonel now.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

After extensive marketing research the Colonel concluded that the franchise would benefit from better traffic patterns on the other side of the intersection.

(from my grandmother's Reader's Digest circa 1988)

This military commander has killed more people than Hitler and continues to ravage the world

His name is Colonel Sanders.

Why was a Lieutenant Colonel of the US army music program fired, along with one of his direct subordinates?

He was caught fingering A Major.

What do you get when you cross Bernie Madoff with Colonel Sanders?

Bernie Sanders

Soldier and Colonel

Colonel: Soldier, I didn't see you in Camo Training today!!!!

Soldier: Thank you, Colonel.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick...

Jack got killed with a candlestick, in the kitchen by Colonel Custard. GG no Re.

I told folks at work that Colonel Mustard did it in the library with the candle stick.

They looked at me dumbfounded as if they didn't have a clue!

Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?

They haven't decided on regular or extra crispy.

I think Bernie would win for sure if he had served in the military and reached the rank of Colonel

And he would be sure to get the black vote.

Why Colonel had a bunch of underwears ?

Because, Brigadier General asked him to debrief his team.

What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50?

Colonel, sir. ^ ^

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Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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