Colonel Jokes

Gather around for some hilarious colonel jokes - from colonel mustard to the commander and sergeant! Have a laugh at classic one-liners or battle stories from the firefight.

Fun-Filled Colonel Jokes to Boost Your Mood

Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

After extensive marketing research the Colonel concluded that the franchise would benefit from better traffic patterns on the other side of the intersection.

(from my grandmother's Reader's Digest circa 1988)

How much of sex is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50?

Colonel, sir. ^ ^

jokes about colonel

Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.

Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

Your momma's so stupid...

...she asked what army Colonel Sanders was in.

Colonel joke, Your momma's so stupid...

If there is ever a corn army, I'll join it...

...and I'll be the colonel.

Brigadier Popcorn was recently demoted.

He is a colonel now.

Why Colonel had a bunch of underwears ?

Because, Brigadier General asked him to debrief his team.

Yo mama is so fat that she is voting for Sanders


You can explore colonel firefight reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean colonel soldier dad jokes. There are also colonel puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank.

Colonel sounds right to me.

Bernie Sanders should change his name to Colonel.

That way he'll surely get the black vote.

I think Bernie would win for sure if he had served in the military and reached the rank of Colonel

And he would be sure to get the black vote.

What do you call an orphaned 9 year old boy in Central Africa?

Colonel Sir!

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

Colonel joke, So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?

They haven't decided on regular or extra crispy.

Why was Colonel Sanders like MacBeth?

Because they both... did murder most foul.

Did you hear about the lieutenant that had to watch a corn field?

He's a colonel now

FOBs will understand.

3 new men - an Irish man, an English man and a Samoan - arrive at the army camp. The next day, the colonel, salt of the earth, rough as guts type fellow, decides to go psych the newbies up.

He calls them to line up and approaches the Irish man...




He walks over to the English man...



"Good man."

Then he approaches the Samoan...





I told folks at work that Colonel Mustard did it in the library with the candle stick.

They looked at me dumbfounded as if they didn't have a clue!

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick...

Jack got killed with a candlestick, in the kitchen by Colonel Custard. GG no Re.

Soldier and Colonel

Colonel: Soldier, I didn't see you in Camo Training today!!!!

Soldier: Thank you, Colonel.

What do you get when you cross Bernie Madoff with Colonel Sanders?

Bernie Sanders

Why was a Lieutenant Colonel of the US army music program fired, along with one of his direct subordinates?

He was caught fingering A Major.

This military commander has killed more people than Hitler and continues to ravage the world

His name is Colonel Sanders.

Colonel joke, This military commander has killed more people than Hitler and continues to ravage the world

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.

Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.

Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'

The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.

"So?" says Petya.

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream where an FSB colonel hinted at me that I should leave this matter alone."

I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.

He said, "It's Private."

I said, "Come on, you can tell me."

Why was Bernie Sanders rejected from the army?

There can on be one Colonel Sanders

A sergeant and a colonel walk into a bar.

Spelling teachers run out in tears.

Known thy enemy Sun Tzu-The Art of War

What? -Colonel George Custer after the Battle of Little Bighorn.

What rank does Corn have in the Vegetable Army?


I just thought of that while eating popcorn, I hope this hasnt been already posted.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Colonel Sanders wanted to show him a secret...

TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army.

Even though he was a colonel he didn't want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.

What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?


A cob of corn finishes his service in the army and retires

as a Colonel in good standing among his field

One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class.

First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.
"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"

"Zero Hara, sir," answered the private.

A Sexy Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have sex ?


She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?

The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!

Where does the Colonel keep his army?

Up his sleevey

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the colonel corporal puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working colonel colonel mustard piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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