Colonel Jokes
61 colonel jokes and hilarious colonel puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about colonel that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Gather around for some hilarious colonel jokes - from colonel mustard to the commander and sergeant! Have a laugh at classic one-liners or battle stories from the firefight.
Quick Jump To
- Short Colonel Jokes
- Colonel One Liners
- Colonel Sanders Jokes
- Lieutenant Colonel Jokes
- Colonel Mustard Jokes
- More Colonel Jokes
Funniest Colonel Short Jokes
Short colonel jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The colonel humour may include short commander jokes also.
- I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was. He said, "It's Private."
I said, "Come on, you can tell me." - A cob of corn finishes his service in the army and retires as a Colonel in good standing among his field
- Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.
- TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army. Even though he was a colonel he didn't want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.
- What rank does Corn have in the Vegetable Army? Colonel!
I just thought of that while eating popcorn, I hope this hasnt been already posted. - If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank. Colonel sounds right to me.
- Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet? They haven't decided on regular or extra crispy.
- Known thy enemy Sun Tzu-The Art of War What? -Colonel George Custer after the Battle of Little Bighorn.
- Bernie Sanders should change his name to Colonel. That way he'll surely get the black vote.
- Why Colonel had a bunch of underwears ? Because, Brigadier General asked him to debrief his team.
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Colonel One Liners
Which colonel one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with colonel? I can suggest the ones about captain and soldier.
- Did you hear about the lieutenant that had to watch a corn field? He's a colonel now
- Why did the chicken cross the road? Colonel Sanders wanted to show him a secret...
- Where does the Colonel keep his army? Up his sleevey
- If there is ever a corn army, I'll join it... ...and I'll be the colonel.
- What's the highest rank in the popcorn army? Colonel
- Yo mama is so fat that she is voting for Sanders COLONEL SANDERS
- What do you call an orphaned 9 year old boy in Central Africa? Colonel Sir!
- She was only the Colonel's daughter But she knew what Reggie meant.
- A sergeant and a colonel walk into a bar. Spelling teachers run out in tears.
- Why was Bernie Sanders rejected from the army? There can on be one Colonel Sanders
- Brigadier Popcorn was recently demoted. He is a colonel now.
- What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50? Colonel, sir. ^ ^
- What do you get when you cross bernie madoff with Colonel Sanders? Bernie Sanders
- What do you call an Asian coroner? A colonel
- Well at least now we know that Colonel Fitts was correct in his assumption.
Colonel Sanders Jokes
Here is a list of funny colonel sanders jokes and even better colonel sanders puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Colonel Sanders keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret? Because he was ashamed of them
- How did colonel Sanders take over the chicken market? A coup.
- Your momma's so s**...... ...she asked what army Colonel Sanders was in.
- Why was Colonel Sanders like MacBeth? Because they both... did m**... most foul.
- This military commander has killed more people than h**... and continues to ravage the world His name is Colonel Sanders.
- TIL: Colonel Sanders had a younger brother who was a plumber. u**... Sanders
Lieutenant Colonel Jokes
Here is a list of funny lieutenant colonel jokes and even better lieutenant colonel puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was a Lieutenant Colonel of the US army music program fired, along with one of his direct subordinates? He was caught f**... A Major.
Colonel Mustard Jokes
Here is a list of funny colonel mustard jokes and even better colonel mustard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I told folks at work that Colonel Mustard did it in the library with the candle stick. They looked at me dumbfounded as if they didn't have a clue!
Fun-Filled Colonel Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about colonel you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lieutenant jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make colonel pranks.
Air force weatherman
So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our b**... runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
After extensive marketing research the Colonel concluded that the franchise would benefit from better traffic patterns on the other side of the intersection.
(from my grandmother's Reader's Digest circa 1988)
How much of s**... is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
Who is calling?
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
p**... answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said p**....
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked p**...
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said p**... and hung up the phone.
I think Bernie would win for sure if he had served in the military and reached the rank of Colonel
And he would be sure to get the black vote.
So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...
I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.
FOBs will understand.
3 new men - an Irish man, an English man and a Samoan - arrive at the army camp. The next day, the colonel, salt of the earth, rough as guts type fellow, decides to go psych the newbies up.
He calls them to line up and approaches the Irish man...
"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"
"SIR YES SIR!! I CAME HERE TO DIE!"
"Good."
He walks over to the English man...
"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"
"SIR YES SIR!! I CAME HERE TO DIE!"
"Good man."
Then he approaches the Samoan...
"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"
"SIR NO SIR!!"
"What??"
"I CAME HERE YESTER-DIE!"
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick...
Jack got killed with a candlestick, in the kitchen by Colonel Custard. GG no Re.
Army vs. Navy
An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.
Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.
Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'
The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'
A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"
"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.
"So?" says Petya.
Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."
"What happened next?" probes Petya.
And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream where an FSB colonel hinted at me that I should leave this matter alone."
One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class.
First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.
"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"
"Zero Hara, sir," answered the private.
A s**... Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have s**... ?
Colonel:1955.
She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?
The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!
A retired man named Dave took a part-time job at a small woodshop, but every morning, he was late.
Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. The owner wasn't too upset because Dave was great with customers, but one day he got curious.
"Hey Dave," the owner asked. "What did they say at your last job when you came in late all the time?"
"They said the same thing no matter what time I came in," Dave grinned. "Good morning, Colonel."