Colonel Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Colonel puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Colonel

I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.

He said, "It's Private."

I said, "Come on, you can tell me."

Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

How much of sex is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

True dedicating

A USAF Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the A1C who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young A1C responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.

Inspection

While conducting a routine inspection, the colonel arrived at the mess hall door where he met 2 KPs with a large soup kettle.
"Let me taste that," the colonel snapped. One of the men fetched a big spoon and handed it respectfully to the CO, who plunged the ladle into the pot and took a large mouth-full of the steaming liquid, smacking his lips critically.
Then he let out a roar that could be heard back at headquarters. "Do you call that soup?" He bellowed.
"No, sir," explained one of the KPs. "Its dishwater we were just throwing out"

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.

Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.

Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'

The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

Wrong Number

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.


Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won't be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.


Major to Captain:
Per Colonel's order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Captain to Lieutenant:
Per Colonel's order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Lieutenant to Sergeant:
Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.


Two privates talking to each other:
Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day.

Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

Did you hear about the lieutenant that had to watch a corn field?

He's a colonel now

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

The colonel rides again...

There was a knock on the door and the colonel opened it to see a young woman standing there. I don't know if you remember me colonel ... . Course I do gel, you're from the village, Jenkins' daughter, went off to university, well done, what can I do for you ? Well, I'm in my last year now, studying psychology you know, and I'm doing a paper on sex in pensioners and I wondered if I could ask you some personal questions ? Course you can gel, nothing shocks me, old army type and all, ask away . Excellent, may I ask you when you last made love ? Mmmmm .. that would be 1945 . Oh colonel you have shocked ME, such a long time ago ! Don't see why gel, it's only 2100 now !

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Colonel Sanders wanted to show him a secret...

Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.

If there is ever a corn army, I'll join it...

...and I'll be the colonel.

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.

"So?" says Petya.

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream where an FSB colonel hinted at me that I should leave this matter alone."

Yo mama is so fat that she is voting for Sanders

COLONEL SANDERS

If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank.

Colonel sounds right to me.

What rank does Corn have in the Vegetable Army?

Colonel!

I just thought of that while eating popcorn, I hope this hasnt been already posted.

Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
"pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work .
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

Lost balloonist.

There's a colonel flying a hot air balloon and he's completely lost. He comes across a SgtMaj yelling at some people in a field and he's all like "Can you tell me where I am?"

the SgtMaj replies "You're about 20" off the deck in central Iowa."

The colonel quips "You must be a SgtMaj".

Slightly intrigued, the SgtMaj says, "Why yes I am, how'd you know?"

to which the colonel says "Because although everything you have said is technically correct, you haven't helped me at all".

The SgtMaj thinks for a moment then says "Oh, I understand now, you must be the new colonel".

"Why yes, I am. Was it my keen insight and projected leadership that gave it away?" asks the colonel.

"No" says the SgtMaj "You're just as lost now as you were 10 minutes ago, but now it's my fault."

FOBs will understand.

3 new men - an Irish man, an English man and a Samoan - arrive at the army camp. The next day, the colonel, salt of the earth, rough as guts type fellow, decides to go psych the newbies up.

He calls them to line up and approaches the Irish man...

"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"

"SIR YES SIR!! I CAME HERE TO DIE!"

"Good."

He walks over to the English man...

"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"

"SIR YES SIR!! I CAME HERE TO DIE!"

"Good man."

Then he approaches the Samoan...

"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"

"SIR NO SIR!!"

"What??"

"I CAME HERE YESTER-DIE!"

Your momma's so stupid...

...she asked what army Colonel Sanders was in.

Well the war was finally over, and...

A train full of soldiers was headed back from the front. In one carriage, a Colonel and a Corporal sat across from each other, and as the train rolled past a former battlefield, the Colonel sighed and told the Corporal that he'd once led a charge riding a great white stallion in that very spot...at least until the cowardly enemy shot the horse from under him and he had to go on by foot. Time passed and the train rolled on. Eventually the Corporal gestured out the window, saying, "Sir, if you look out you can see a large rock, and one time I made love to a farm girl there...at least until the cowardly enemy shot her out from under me and I had to go on by hand."

What do you call an orphaned 9 year old boy in Central Africa?

Colonel Sir!

Known thy enemy Sun Tzu-The Art of War

What? -Colonel George Custer after the Battle of Little Bighorn.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

After extensive marketing research the Colonel concluded that the franchise would benefit from better traffic patterns on the other side of the intersection.

(from my grandmother's Reader's Digest circa 1988)

Why was Bernie Sanders rejected from the army?

There can on be one Colonel Sanders

Brigadier Popcorn was recently demoted.

He is a colonel now.

Bernie Sanders should change his name to Colonel.

That way he'll surely get the black vote.

Why was Colonel Sanders like MacBeth?

Because they both... did murder most foul.

A sergeant and a colonel walk into a bar.

Spelling teachers run out in tears.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick...

Jack got killed with a candlestick, in the kitchen by Colonel Custard. GG no Re.

Soldier and Colonel

Colonel: Soldier, I didn't see you in Camo Training today!!!!

Soldier: Thank you, Colonel.

What do you get when you cross Bernie Madoff with Colonel Sanders?

Bernie Sanders

Why was a Lieutenant Colonel of the US army music program fired, along with one of his direct subordinates?

He was caught fingering A Major.

This military commander has killed more people than Hitler and continues to ravage the world

His name is Colonel Sanders.

I told folks at work that Colonel Mustard did it in the library with the candle stick.

They looked at me dumbfounded as if they didn't have a clue!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes