colonel Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious colonel puns

Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

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How much of sex is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

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True dedicating

A USAF Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the A1C who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young A1C responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.

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Inspection

While conducting a routine inspection, the colonel arrived at the mess hall door where he met 2 KPs with a large soup kettle.
"Let me taste that," the colonel snapped. One of the men fetched a big spoon and handed it respectfully to the CO, who plunged the ladle into the pot and took a large mouth-full of the steaming liquid, smacking his lips critically.
Then he let out a roar that could be heard back at headquarters. "Do you call that soup?" He bellowed.
"No, sir," explained one of the KPs. "Its dishwater we were just throwing out"

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Wrong Number

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

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Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.


Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won't be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.


Major to Captain:
Per Colonel's order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Captain to Lieutenant:
Per Colonel's order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Lieutenant to Sergeant:
Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.


Two privates talking to each other:
Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day.

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An artist is commissioned to create a painting...

portraying Colonel Custer's final thoughts before he died. After 6 months of work, the artist reveals the painting to the museum director.
To the director's dismay, it is a painting of a lake and fish with halos around their heads jumping out of the water. There are also Indians fornicating on the shore.
The director erupts "What is this!? I asked for a painting of Colonel Custer's last thoughts before he died!"
The artist replies "This is exactly what he was thinking: 'Holy mackerel, where did all of these fucking Indians come from?'"

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Very Important Colonel

Having just moved into his new office, a
pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk
when a PFC knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel
quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to
enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General,
I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you
for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently
impressed the young enlisted man, he asked,
"What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the PFC replied,
"I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

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Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

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Did you hear about the lieutenant that had to watch a corn field?

He's a colonel now

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What's the difference between Colonel Custer and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians

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So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

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Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.

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If there is ever a corn army, I'll join it...

...and I'll be the colonel.

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Yo mama is so fat that she is voting for Sanders

COLONEL SANDERS

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If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank.

Colonel sounds right to me.

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Colonel Custer's widow [NSFW, language]

Heard this on the Sopranos, hopefully won't screw it up.

A few weeks after his death, Col. Custer's widow felt it necessary to commemorate her late husband. She found one of the best painters of the time and asked him to paint a mural of Custer's final moments. A month goes by and the painting is finished. When the widow goes to see it she is shocked. "What is this?" she asked. "It's just a cow with a halo and a bunch of indians having sex." The painter replies "I did what you asked and portrayed Custer's final moments, this is a depiction of what he was thinking. 'Holy cow! look at all those fucking indians.'"

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Two British Raj colonels are sitting at a table, enjoying a cup of tea and a warm bowl of curry

The first colonel turns to the other and says

"Why I say, this India land is extraordinary!"

The second colonel replies;

"Quite so, but there's just one issue"

"What's that?"

Looking outside onto the street, the second replies;

"Too many damn foreigners!"

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Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
"pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work .
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

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A morning starts in the U.S. Military

All of the soldiers line up and the colonel starts to count "8...9... But there were supposed to be 10 of us! Who of you maggots is missing!!". The confused colonel starts to count again, and again, and again...
Finally a private asks the colonel if he can count everyone up. The colonel agrees and the soldier exclaims "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,.." then he points at himself and the colonel and says " 9 and 10". The colonel starts shouting "SO YOU WERE THE FUCKER WHO WE TRIED TO FIND ALL MORNING!!!"

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Lost balloonist.

There's a colonel flying a hot air balloon and he's completely lost. He comes across a SgtMaj yelling at some people in a field and he's all like "Can you tell me where I am?"

the SgtMaj replies "You're about 20" off the deck in central Iowa."

The colonel quips "You must be a SgtMaj".

Slightly intrigued, the SgtMaj says, "Why yes I am, how'd you know?"

to which the colonel says "Because although everything you have said is technically correct, you haven't helped me at all".

The SgtMaj thinks for a moment then says "Oh, I understand now, you must be the new colonel".

"Why yes, I am. Was it my keen insight and projected leadership that gave it away?" asks the colonel.

"No" says the SgtMaj "You're just as lost now as you were 10 minutes ago, but now it's my fault."

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FOBs will understand.

3 new men - an Irish man, an English man and a Samoan - arrive at the army camp. The next day, the colonel, salt of the earth, rough as guts type fellow, decides to go psych the newbies up.

He calls them to line up and approaches the Irish man...

"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"

"SIR YES SIR!! I CAME HERE TO DIE!"

"Good."

He walks over to the English man...

"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"

"SIR YES SIR!! I CAME HERE TO DIE!"

"Good man."

Then he approaches the Samoan...

"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"

"SIR NO SIR!!"

"What??"

"I CAME HERE YESTER-DIE!"

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Am I too late for a Belgian joke?

It's World War I, now 100 years ago. A Belgian unit is hidden in it's trenches about 50m of German soldiers in theirs. After weeks of heavy shootings and minor progressions the Belgian colonel comes up with an idea. He says: "Guys, I've got a plan. Watch me!" and he takes position. He raises his voice towards the Germans and calls: "Friedrich?" and 50m away a German raises his head and replies "Jawohl!" and gets shot. The colonel explains to his troups that almost every man in Germany is named "Franz, Heinrich, Andreas or Friedrich" so those are the best names.

The next week Germans suffer huge losses due to this tactic and the German colonel says to his unit: "Okay, Belgians are all called Jan, Pieter or Jonas! I'll show you!" The Belgian colonel is not stupid of course, so when he hears "Jan, you there?" he screams to his troups to get the fuck down and NOT react. When the German calls again he replies "Is it you, Franz?"

Jawohl!

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Your momma's so stupid...

...she asked what army Colonel Sanders was in.

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What do you call an orphaned 9 year old boy in Central Africa?

Colonel Sir!

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Well the war was finally over, and...

A train full of soldiers was headed back from the front. In one carriage, a Colonel and a Corporal sat across from each other, and as the train rolled past a former battlefield, the Colonel sighed and told the Corporal that he'd once led a charge riding a great white stallion in that very spot...at least until the cowardly enemy shot the horse from under him and he had to go on by foot. Time passed and the train rolled on. Eventually the Corporal gestured out the window, saying, "Sir, if you look out you can see a large rock, and one time I made love to a farm girl there...at least until the cowardly enemy shot her out from under me and I had to go on by hand."

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

After extensive marketing research the Colonel concluded that the franchise would benefit from better traffic patterns on the other side of the intersection.

(from my grandmother's Reader's Digest circa 1988)

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Brigadier Popcorn was recently demoted.

He is a colonel now.

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Why was Colonel Sanders like MacBeth?

Because they both... did murder most foul.

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What did the old Kentucky colonel say when he got his Viagra?

The south shall rise again!

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Bernie Sanders should change his name to Colonel.

That way he'll surely get the black vote.

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What did Colonel Sanders say after he had sex ?

"It was finger fucking good!"

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Jack be nimble, Jack be quick...

Jack got killed with a candlestick, in the kitchen by Colonel Custard. GG no Re.

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Soldier and Colonel

Colonel: Soldier, I didn't see you in Camo Training today!!!!

Soldier: Thank you, Colonel.

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I think Bernie would win for sure if he had served in the military and reached the rank of Colonel

And he would be sure to get the black vote.

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What are the most funny Colonel jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Colonel? Well, here are the best Colonel dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Colonel pick up lines to share with friends.

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