Colon Jokes

Following is our collection of unreadable puns and intestinal one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Colon jokes for adults, dirty toucans jokes and clean colonoscopy dad gags for kids.

The Best Colon Puns

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch


Jimmy went to school and ate his colon

I'β€Œβ€Œm datinβ€Œβ€Œg aβ€Œβ€Œn Englisβ€Œβ€Œh teacheβ€Œβ€Œr whβ€Œβ€Œo keepβ€Œβ€Œs correctinβ€Œβ€Œg mβ€Œβ€Œy grammaβ€Œβ€Œr durinβ€Œβ€Œg sex.

Shβ€Œβ€Œe getβ€Œβ€Œs particularlβ€Œβ€Œy annoyeβ€Œβ€Œd abouβ€Œβ€Œt mβ€Œβ€Œy impropeβ€Œβ€Œr usβ€Œβ€Œe oβ€Œβ€Œf thβ€Œβ€Œe colon.

I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

A man woke up in the hospital...

Doctor: I'm really sorry, but we've had to remove your colon.

Me why?

Wife says "sorry I have my period".

I said "that's ok honey, that's what the colon is for"!

Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

My wife is an English teacher

She always corrects my grammar while having sex. I'll go "suck it good" and she'll reply "it's suck it well!". I'll say "Who's your daddy" and she'll correct "who's your dad".

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of colon.

I used to date an English teacher.

She dumped me however...

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

So I had a colonoscopy today...

While my doctor was preparing me for the examination he said, "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection"

"I haven't got an erection," I said.

"No, but I have." he replied.

A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence.


I ate Julie's sandwich.

I ate Julie's colon.

I'β€Œβ€Œm datinβ€Œβ€Œg aβ€Œβ€Œn Englisβ€Œβ€Œh teacheβ€Œβ€Œr whβ€Œβ€Œo keepβ€Œβ€Œs correctinβ€Œβ€Œg mβ€Œβ€Œy grammaβ€Œβ€Œr durinβ€Œβ€Œg sex.

Shβ€Œβ€Œe getβ€Œβ€Œs particularlβ€Œβ€Œy annoyeβ€Œβ€Œd abouβ€Œβ€Œt mβ€Œβ€Œy impropeβ€Œβ€Œr usβ€Œβ€Œe oβ€Œβ€Œf thβ€Œβ€Œe colon.

I failed medical school for the same reason I failed English class

Improper: Colon placement

What they tell you in the colonoscopy waiting room


How do you know God didn't program the human digestive tract in C#?

It ends with a whole colon instead of a semicolon.

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.

Apparently this dude had come in complaining of rectal pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.

A little boy asks his dad, "Where does poo come from?"

His father is taken aback by the question but decides to tell the son the truth.

"Well, son," he says, "food passes down the oesophagus, enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction. Then it passes through the alimentary canal before waste enters the colon, and then it finally emerges as poo."

"Wow," says the boy. "So where does Tigger come from?"

Doctor: I'm afraid we have to remove your colon.

Me why?

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

Two guys were chatting in the bar

"So how's it go with that chick last night? She was an English teacher , right?"

"Yeah, she got dressed and left a few minutes after we got in bed"

"Shame. Why'd she do so?"

"I guess she didn't like my improper use of the colon."

I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.

"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife.

"What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she
"It's where I put my semi in your colon ..."

I: went::: to:: the: doctor's:::: today::

I:: have::: colon: cancer::

Dr: We had to remove your colon

Me Why?

I was told that bananas keep the colon clean.

I just wish they had told me you are supposed to eat them.

I went out with an English teacher once

But she dumped me for improper use of the colon...

After I had my colonoscopy, the proctologist asked if I had any questions.

Apparently "Do you do birthday parties?" was the wrong answer.

If you survive colon cancer

Are you only left with a semi colon?

Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.

I used to date an English teacher...

...but she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon.

Had a colonoscopy the other day,

Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

Back before the internet was so public it was very hard to get to places we take for granted. For instance there used to be a gay internet, strictly for gay people.

To find it you had to hit these keys in this sequence on your keyboard it was "Enter" "Colon" "Pound, pound, pound"

I told my wife, Did you know that our next door neighbor had half his intestines removed?

Her: Really? Is he in a coma?

Me: No. A semi colon.

What do English teachers and my girlfriend have in common?

They both yell at me for misusing the colon.

I used to go out with an English teacher.

She used to get really annoyed with my improper use of the colon.

(Gary Delaney)

If there's one thing my English major girlfriend has taught me,

It's what a colon does.

What do you Get when you Swallow a Golf ball?

A Colon 1.

nsfw Two sperms were swimming for the egg...

One sperm says to the other "Jeez, I'm tired! How long til we get to the egg?" The other sperm says, "It's going to be a while, we just got past the colon."

Overheard on the organ black market

"Got awful grammar? Buy this colon!"

When i was younger i had part of my colon removed

Now i only have a semicolon


I used to go out with an English Teacher but we eventually broke up because she disliked my improper use of the colon.

What did the colonial powers say to the Horn of Africa?

'I'm coming for Djibouti'

So I followed some advice I heard on tv and shoved a lightbulb up my ass to kill this virus.

So far no effect, but it sure gave my colon a great idea.

What did the colonist say at the Boston Tea Party?

The price is too steep!

A woman visits her doctor since she has some abdominal pains ...

She thinks she might be pregnant. After the examination, the doctor comes out to see her.
Doctor: *"Well, I hope you like changing diapers."*
Patient: *"Oh my god, are you serious? Am I pregnant?"*
Doctor: *"No, you've got colon cancer."*

Turns out I have colon cancer. I'm getting part of it removed tomorrow.

All I'll have left is a ;

My English professor had a colonoscopy...

Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.


A man gets released from his first colonoscopy into the recovery room. His wife and doctor arrive bedside to discuss the results of his operation. Before the doctor can open his mouth, the wife says "Did you find his head?"

My English teacher told me that using a colon in a sentence can really change its meaning.

For example,

Jane ate her friend's sandwich


Jane ate her friend's colon.

A man is taken to the hospital for Emergency surgery.

He wakes up in recovery where the surgeon explains that they were able to successfully remove the giant sex toy from his colon.

Remove it!?! I just came here to get the batteries changed.

Colons can drastically change the meanings of sentences, far more than commas.

For example,

I come in a car

I come in a colon

My surgeon says I'm the easiest patient to work on.

Because I'm gutless, spineless, and my brain and colon are interchangeable.

Did you hear about the woman that was having trouble with her keyboard?

It was the colon. It was creating irritable vowel syndrome.

How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

I just asked him to edit my essay; and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy; if he can figure that out from my writing.

In grammar school, most unplanned pregnancies happen early on

...before anyone knows how to use the colon.

What is a doctors favorite punctuation mark?

A colon

In colonial times, people believed tomatoes were poisonous and would not eat them.

They were incorrect. Tomatoes are not poisonous and will eat them.

Why was Colonel Sanders like MacBeth?

Because they both... did murder most foul.

I went in for my colonoscopy, and asked my doctor how his day was going.

He said "I've been dealing with assh-les all day."

If you pierce my colon with your stick,

you'll divide me.

My first colonoscopy..

...wasn't that bad. Once the sedatives wore off, I was surprised how little pain I was in. I just couldn't figure out how the doctor did it with both hands on my shoulders.

Someone must have deforested my colon

because I just lost my pants to a mudslide.

What does colonialism and Pitbull have in common?

They both destroyed Africa.

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

Why does a semi colon have that little growth on the bottom?

It has colon cancer.

There is an abundance of smg jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 68 funniest jokes and colon puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any rectum witze you can hear about colon.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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