The Best 68 Colon Jokes

My English teacher told me that using a colon in a sentence can really change its meaning.

For example,

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

Becomes

Jane ate her friend's colon.

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

So I had a colonoscopy today...

While my doctor was preparing me for the examination he said, "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection"

"I haven't got an erection," I said.

"No, but I have." he replied.

I: went::: to:: the: doctor's:::: today::

I:: have::: colon: cancer::

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

Overheard on the organ black market

"Got awful grammar? Buy this colon!"

If you survive colon cancer

Are you only left with a semi colon?

"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife.

"What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she
queried.
"It's where I put my semi in your colon ..."

What they tell you in the colonoscopy waiting room

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If there's one thing my English major girlfriend has taught me,

It's what a colon does.

Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.

Wife says "sorry I have my period".

I said "that's ok honey, that's what the colon is for"!

In grammar school, most unplanned pregnancies happen early on

...before anyone knows how to use the colon.

How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

I just asked him to edit my essay; and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy; if he can figure that out from my writing.

Someone must have deforested my colon

because I just lost my pants to a mudslide.

Colonoscopy

A man gets released from his first colonoscopy into the recovery room. His wife and doctor arrive bedside to discuss the results of his operation. Before the doctor can open his mouth, the wife says "Did you find his head?"

My English professor had a colonoscopy...

Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

I failed medical school for the same reason I failed English class

Improper: Colon placement

Turns out I have colon cancer. I'm getting part of it removed tomorrow.

All I'll have left is a ;

When i was younger i had part of my colon removed

Now i only have a semicolon

My surgeon says I'm the easiest patient to work on.

Because I'm gutless, spineless, and my brain and colon are interchangeable.

A woman visits her doctor since she has some abdominal pains ...

She thinks she might be pregnant. After the examination, the doctor comes out to see her.
Doctor: *"Well, I hope you like changing diapers."*
Patient: *"Oh my god, are you serious? Am I pregnant?"*
Doctor: *"No, you've got colon cancer."*

Dogged

I used to go out with an English Teacher but we eventually broke up because she disliked my improper use of the colon.

Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.

Apparently this dude had come in complaining of rectal pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.

My wife is an English teacher

She always corrects my grammar while having sex. I'll go "suck it good" and she'll reply "it's suck it well!". I'll say "Who's your daddy" and she'll correct "who's your dad".

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of colon.

Colons can drastically change the meanings of sentences, far more than commas.

For example,

I come in a car

I come in a colon

If you pierce my colon with your stick,

you'll divide me.

I went in for my colonoscopy, and asked my doctor how his day was going.

He said "I've been dealing with assh-les all day."

Why was Colonel Sanders like MacBeth?

Because they both... did murder most foul.

After I had my colonoscopy, the proctologist asked if I had any questions.

Apparently "Do you do birthday parties?" was the wrong answer.

I used to go out with an English teacher.

She used to get really annoyed with my improper use of the colon.

(Gary Delaney)

In colonial times, people believed tomatoes were poisonous and would not eat them.

They were incorrect. Tomatoes are not poisonous and will eat them.

nsfw Two sperms were swimming for the egg...

One sperm says to the other "Jeez, I'm tired! How long til we get to the egg?" The other sperm says, "It's going to be a while, we just got past the colon."

What do English teachers and my girlfriend have in common?

They both yell at me for misusing the colon.

What do you Get when you Swallow a Golf ball?

A Colon 1.

I used to date an English teacher...

...but she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon.

What is a doctors favorite punctuation mark?

A colon

How do you know God didn't program the human digestive tract in C#?

It ends with a whole colon instead of a semicolon.

Did you hear about the woman that was having trouble with her keyboard?

It was the colon. It was creating irritable vowel syndrome.

Two guys were chatting in the bar

"So how's it go with that chick last night? She was an English teacher , right?"

"Yeah, she got dressed and left a few minutes after we got in bed"

"Shame. Why'd she do so?"

"I guess she didn't like my improper use of the colon."

Back before the internet was so public it was very hard to get to places we take for granted. For instance there used to be a gay internet, strictly for gay people.

To find it you had to hit these keys in this sequence on your keyboard it was "Enter" "Colon" "Pound, pound, pound"

I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

I was told that bananas keep the colon clean.

I just wish they had told me you are supposed to eat them.

Had a colonoscopy the other day,

Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

A little boy asks his dad, "Where does poo come from?"

His father is taken aback by the question but decides to tell the son the truth.

"Well, son," he says, "food passes down the oesophagus, enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction. Then it passes through the alimentary canal before waste enters the colon, and then it finally emerges as poo."

"Wow," says the boy. "So where does Tigger come from?"

What did the colonist say at the Boston Tea Party?

The price is too steep!

A man is taken to the hospital for Emergency surgery.

He wakes up in recovery where the surgeon explains that they were able to successfully remove the giant sex toy from his colon.

Remove it!?! I just came here to get the batteries changed.

I told my wife, Did you know that our next door neighbor had half his intestines removed?

Her: Really? Is he in a coma?

Me: No. A semi colon.

I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.

So I followed some advice I heard on tv and shoved a lightbulb up my ass to kill this virus.

So far no effect, but it sure gave my colon a great idea.

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

A man woke up in the hospital...

Doctor: I'm really sorry, but we've had to remove your colon.

Me why?

I used to date an English teacher.

She dumped me however...

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I ate Julie's sandwich.

I ate Julie's colon.

I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

What did the colonial powers say to the Horn of Africa?

'I'm coming for Djibouti'

I went out with an English teacher once

But she dumped me for improper use of the colon...

I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

Doctor: I'm afraid we have to remove your colon.

Me why?

Dr: We had to remove your colon

Me Why?

Doctor: we will have to remove your colon.

me why?

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?

Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

- Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-
- - Jane ate her friend's colon.

Rich people have...

Rich people have colon cleanses
Poor people have taco bell