Collision Jokes
44 collision jokes and hilarious collision puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about collision that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores various jokes related to car collisions. Learn several different types of collision jokes, from the punny to the morbid, that involve signal confusing, fatalities, and other topics related to when cars collide. Prepare to laugh, and make sure to always drive safely!
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Funniest Collision Short Jokes
Short collision jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The collision humour may include short collided jokes also.
- Two turtles had a collision at an intersection. . The only witness was a snail. When interviewed by police the snail explained he didnt see anything as it all happened so fast.
- Did you hear about the hearse that got into a head on collision? Luckily only one person was found dead at the scene
- Did you hear the news about the collision between two black holes? It's really making waves.
- Oh no! An Xbox One and PS4 just had a head on collision... CALL AN AMBULANCE! WiiU WiiU WiiU WiiU WiiU
- A new study has found that 98% of vehicular collisions with crows in Boston involve trucks and other large vehicles Apparently they can all yell cah, cah, but not bus, bus.
- 2 speeding cars got in a head-on collision in Mexico today. 33 people died. Only Juan survived.
- What did President Trump shout at Bob Mueller when the President's golf cart sideswiped Mueller's golf cart? No Collision! No Collision!
- In a collision, if one car is going twice as fast and the other weighs twice as much, who wins? The mortician
- I hate whales I was out at sea and a whale almost destroyed my ship, a crewmember said that whale collisions where common in that area. But I'm positive that whale hit my ship on porpus.
- Drunk drivers are the safest drivers. The chance of collision is low since everyone's trying to get away from them.
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Collision One Liners
Which collision one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with collision? I can suggest the ones about impact and intersection.
- 2 cars had a head-on collision in Mexico today.. 34 people died.
- What did the tectonic plate say when it had a collision? It's not my fault.
- My car was stolen and crashed by a gang of 14 year olds It was a minor collision
- Why is Trump's car insurance so cheap? NO COLLISION.
- Was that the sound of a head-on collision between two cars? "Co-wrecked."
- Friend: Did you hear? Two Norwegian ships had a mid sea collision Me: Norway!
- To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
- How do car companies measure the impact of a collision A c**... test, d**...
Car Collision Jokes
Here is a list of funny car collision jokes and even better car collision puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A clown car got into a head-on collision with van at the U.S/Mexico border There were over 100 fatalities
- I was recently in a car accident That collision felt like failure but I knew what it really was: bones .
Comical Collision Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about collision you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean incident jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make collision pranks.
When you're trying to slingshot around jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...
Europa creek with no paddle.
I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.
He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.
The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.
The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.
The light signals back, I'm a s**... First Class. You must change your course, sir.
Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.
The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"
I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...
**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.
**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!
**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
Bragging Doctors
Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."
Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more, and later he won an Olympic gold medal in the decathlon."
Doc 3 chucked condescendingly. "Child's play. I had a patient who was in a horrible e**.... He was blown to bits. All they found was a huge, gaping a**.... I put a suit and tie on it, and now he's the owner and general manager of the Dallas Cowboys!"
Ugly Ones
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous.
God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
A man has a car accident...
A man is talking with a policeman after he had a collision with a tree.
'Could you please tell me what exactly happened, sir?' asks the policeman.
'You see,' says the man, 'there was this squirrel that suddenly popped out of nowhere to cross the street.'
'But if it is truly necessary, can't you just run over the squirrel?'
'I know, but then the squirrel hid behind a tree.'
The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea
"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."
But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."
The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*YOU\* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"
The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
Duckiiiiiies
Two philosophers sat chatting in a bar, when one posed a question to the other. Imagine to yourself there were two ducks; one that could not stop moving in a certain directions, and could not be stopped, and another which could not by any means move or be moved. Say they were on a collision course, what would occur?
The other philosopher sat and sipped at his drink before replying, I truly don't know... What a pair o' ducks!
Two turtles were involved in a head-on collision, the police turtle asked a bystander turtle how the c**... happened?
The bystander turtle said, I don't know, it all happened so fast.
An admiral is sailing a ship...
and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, "Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course." The radio squawked, "No, you are to turn 10 degrees South." This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, "Do you know who you are talking to? I AM AN ADMIRAL OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY!"
The radio says back, "Well, you're talking to the lighthouse."
A couple are driving and get involved in a huge c**....
The wife is thrown from the car and killed instantly. The husband wasnt hurt severely from the c**... by wearing his seat belt.
When emergency services arrive the man is screaming for his wife and rolling around in pain. Police come and inform him his wife died in the collision.
The man clutching between his legs in pain says "did you see if she had anything in her mouth".
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a s**..., second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road
Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.
The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."
The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."
There was a frozen ball of ice hurdling towards the earth.
Scientists had first guessed it was too small to do much damage.
Later, they reassessed and realized this collision would be on par with the impact that wiped out the dinosaurs.
It was an underrated comet.
