Collision Jokes

Following is our collection of collide puns and ambulances one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Collision jokes for adults, dirty vehicle jokes and clean wreckage dad gags for kids.

The Best Collision Puns

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

2 cars had a head-on collision in Mexico today..

34 people died.

What did the tectonic plate say when it had a collision?

It's not my fault.

A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...

**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.

**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!

**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


How do car companies measure the impact of a collision

A crash test, dummy

A man has a car accident...

A man is talking with a policeman after he had a collision with a tree.

'Could you please tell me what exactly happened, sir?' asks the policeman.

'You see,' says the man, 'there was this squirrel that suddenly popped out of nowhere to cross the street.'

'But if it is truly necessary, can't you just run over the squirrel?'

'I know, but then the squirrel hid behind a tree.'

Two turtles had a collision at an intersection. .

The only witness was a snail. When interviewed by police the snail explained he didnt see anything as it all happened so fast.

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*YOU\* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"

The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Duckiiiiiies

Two philosophers sat chatting in a bar, when one posed a question to the other. Imagine to yourself there were two ducks; one that could not stop moving in a certain directions, and could not be stopped, and another which could not by any means move or be moved. Say they were on a collision course, what would occur?
The other philosopher sat and sipped at his drink before replying, I truly don't know... What a pair o' ducks!

Why is Trump's car insurance so cheap?

NO COLLISION.


An admiral is sailing a ship...

and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, "Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course." The radio squawked, "No, you are to turn 10 degrees South." This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, "Do you know who you are talking to? I AM AN ADMIRAL OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY!"

The radio says back, "Well, you're talking to the lighthouse."

Did you hear about the hearse that got into a head on collision?

Luckily only one person was found dead at the scene

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Did you hear the news about the collision between two black holes?

It's really making waves.

Oh no! An Xbox One and PS4 just had a head on collision...

CALL AN AMBULANCE! WiiU WiiU WiiU WiiU WiiU

There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road

Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.

The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."

The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."

2 speeding cars got in a head-on collision in Mexico today. 33 people died.

Only Juan survived.

Was that the sound of a head-on collision between two cars?

"Co-wrecked."


There was a frozen ball of ice hurdling towards the earth.

Scientists had first guessed it was too small to do much damage.

Later, they reassessed and realized this collision would be on par with the impact that wiped out the dinosaurs.

It was an underrated comet.

In a collision, if one car is going twice as fast and the other weighs twice as much, who wins?

The mortician

What did President Trump shout at Bob Mueller when the President's golf cart sideswiped Mueller's golf cart?

No Collision! No Collision!

Drunk drivers are the safest drivers.

The chance of collision is low since everyone's trying to get away from them.

Friend: Did you hear? Two Norwegian ships had a mid sea collision

Me: Norway!

I was recently in a car accident

That collision felt like failure but I knew what it really was: bones .

Did you know that the two girls from Requiem for a Dream got boats and ended up getting into an accident with each other?

The collision was aft to aft.

A clown car got into a head-on collision with van at the U.S/Mexico border

There were over 100 fatalities

There is an abundance of lifeboats jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 27 funniest jokes and collision puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any incident witze you can hear about collision.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes