College Student Jokes
113 college student jokes and hilarious college student puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about college student that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest College Student Short Jokes
Short college student jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The college student humour may include short grad student jokes also.
- Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
- Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.
- It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
- Talking about the American Dream in a college class and the prof asks: To a student from Germany, "Is there a Germany Dream?" He responded, "There was, but no one liked it."
- I'd like to take a moment to say thank you student loans for getting me through college. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
- What do you call a college student who joined the paratroopers to pay off his student loans? Debt from above.
- Dad says, "College students are more interested in women today than ever before.." A lot of them are in a program where they study a broad
- I've always said that college students are a lot like koala bears They sleep 22 hours a day, and 90% of them have chlamydia.
- After years of hard work after college, I finally paid back my student loans. I wish I can post this in a different sub.
- I feel bad for current college students... Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.
Share These College Student Jokes With Friends
College Student One Liners
Which college student one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with college student? I can suggest the ones about college freshman and graduate student.
- Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I am forever in your debt.
- What criminal offense do college students commit the least? Resisting a rest.
- What do zombie college students eat? Raw-men
- What do college students say after praying? Ramen
- What do you call a homeless college student? A philosophy major
- How do college students exercise? By swimming in their debt.
- What does a poor Hindu college student eat? Brahmin Noodles
- Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college. How will I ever repay you?
- Where do college students go for medical attention? An I.V. League.
- What did the college student say to a banker? I am forever in your debt.
- What's the most magical grain for college students? Uni corn
- What crime do college students commit the most? Resisting a rest.
- Who is a college student's favorite Disney King? MuFAFSA
- My community college has a student lounge. My parents call it the living room.
- What math function do parents fear when their student is about to go to college? Cosine.
Comical College Student Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about college student you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nursing student jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make college student pranks.
My local college has a scheme that lets student earn their tuition by working in the on campus bakery.
The opportunity isn't open to everyone. It's run on a strictly knead to know basis.
Steve Rogers in Captain America: The First Avenger is a college student.
1. A friendly man gets him to do drugs.
2. He has to work real hard to get his friend out of trouble.
3. He takes a stand against people with different ideology.
4. He doesn't get the girl.
And,
5. When he finally goes to sleep, he doesn't wake up for 70 years.
Why do we need to go to college?
Student: Why do we need to go to college?
Teacher: So we can get a high paying job
Student: Why do we need a high paying job
Teacher: So we can get lots of money
Student: Why do we need lots of money
Teacher: So we can pay off our college loans
How are getting popular in high school and getting a college woman pregnant similar?
Step one: p**... the student body.
Philosophy Major: True story
With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.
Math in the real world
Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. "You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years."
Importance of Planning
Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had s**... with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"
So a college teacher is talking to his male students...
"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."
Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:
"How much for a semester pass?"
what is big data ?
College professor asks students , " There is so much so going on about big data right now so What is big data ?"
John responds , " Sir, its like teenage s**.... Nobody quite understand it, everybody says know how to do it and claims to have done it and tell stories about how amazing was it everyday"
A young Saudi prince studying abroad...
A young Saudi prince studying abroad receives a call from his father asking him if everything is alright.
He tells his dad that he is feeling ashamed that everyday he goes to college in his brand new Lamborghini while all the other students take the train.
His father replies: "I understand your shame son, take this 2 billion dollars and buy yourself a train".
An Arab student e-mails his dad
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
Talking clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
Adoption Agency
A college student goes to an adoption agency and talks to one of the clerks.
"welcome to the adoption agency, how may i help you?",Says the clerk.
"I need to put my grades up for adoption.", says the student.
"I am certain that we don't accept grades",said the clerk
The Student says,"what am i gonna do" he shouts"WELL I CAN'T RAISE THEM."
Are you ready kids? AYE AYE CAPTAIN! I can't hear youuuu! AYE AYE CAPTAIN! Ohhhhhh, who lives with a GPA under a C?
CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS
Who's living with stress induced anxiety? CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS!
If wanting to drop out is something you wish...CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS
Then take a long nap and watch some Netflix!
COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEEEEGGEEEEE STUUUDEEEEEEEENTSSSSSS!
A beautiful college professor reminds her student of the big test tomorrow
She says "You cannot be absent unless you are wounded, seriously ill or you have a sudden death in the family." One boy asks "But what about extreme fatigue from a hot night of s**...?" When the class is done laughing the professor smiles and says
"In that case you can write with your other hand."
A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project
For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.
"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.
4 college students are having a great time on spring break.
So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"
Careers Advisor to American student: "What do you want to be when you leave college?"
Student: "Alive".
Thank you student loans for helping me get through college and for all that you've done for me!
I don't know how I'll ever repay you.
A student calls his college to enrol in a calculus course...
A student calls his college and says "I want to take calculus, but the system won't let me enrol". The woman on the other line looks at his record and says: "it looks like you're already taking a full course load! don't you know what the limit is?", to which he replies:
"That's what I'm trying to find!"
As a broke college student, do you know what the best vehicle to have is?
A scholarSHIP.
I'm sorry.
A blonde was lying in the grass...
One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.
"Getting a tan?" he asks.
"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now I'm getting a head start on my homework!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. What class is it for?"
"Astronomy!"
A billionaire has a billion dollars. A millionaire has a million dollars. What do you call a person with ten dollars?
A college student.
A college lecturer asks his students who is poorer...
A man with $1000 but is $750 in debt, or a man with $250. The hall is silent for a moment, then a student stands up and answers
"Me."
My college bar had a "Blow your GPA" drink special night
until all the Asian students died...
A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.
She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car c**..., or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete s**... exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"
Double positives
One day, during a lesson at the community college, the professor is explaining how a double negative will always be positive but a double positive can never be negative.
To which his student replies "yeah right"
While registering for college classes, I heard the student next to me drop a few coins on the counter.
I guess you could say he's paying for his classes one quarter at a time.
I was arguing with friends over what school weighed the most.
One friend said high schools because the kids are older and weigh more.
Another said definitely colleges, not only do the students weigh more than high school students, there's so many more people.
I said you're both wrong, it's definitely Catholic schools, they have more mass.
Why are colleges starting to teach quantum computing?
When professors try to explain binary states, the students tell them to go educate themselves.
Whats he difference between a camel and a college student?
Camel can go daaaays without drinking.
Why did the dyslexic student get kicked out of Chiropractic College?
Because he kept manipulating patients p**....
I made fun of an art college student with drool hanging off his face...
He decided to draw my caricature and had passers by vandalise it with mucus to teach me a lesson.
It was the spitting image of me.
A college student was just robbed $1000.
The robber stole 2 books of small size and a lanyard containing the student's ID.
First day at college
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
The second time you will be fined $60.
A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Who is a "d**..."
While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.
Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "d**..." as it was completely clear.
One student persisted.
And got the answer - the dictionary stated:
"d**..." - the person who looks up for the word "d**..." in a dictionary.
Our joy was limitless.
First Date
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
What does Rem and a college student have in common?
They both want a subaru but neither can afford them.
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students...
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will
cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
How much for a season pass?
A group of vaping college students is called a smog.
A group of vaping middle school students is called down to the principal's office.
On the first day of school, the college dean addressed the freshman class to explain some of the campus rules.
"The women's dormitory
is off-limits to male students and the men's
dormitory is off-limits to female students," he
intoned. "Am body caught breaking this rule
will be fined $20 the first time, $60 the second
lime and $180 the third time. Does anyone
have any questions?
A male student raised his hand. "How much
for a season pass?"
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
An Arab student emails his dad:
*An arab student emails his dad:*
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*
My dear loving son,
Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
Water, Electricity and College students all have one thing in common...
They all follow the path of least resistance
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this g**... her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"
This guy out there asking the real questions
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.
Dear Mom and Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
Love, Your $on
They reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Mom and Dad
[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.
'Dear Dad,
Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'
Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.
'Dear son ,
I just transferred $200 million to your bank account. Stop embarassing our family and buy a train for yourself'.
Ivy League School Principal, Mr. Marquez, and Community College Principal, Mr. Davidson, were arguing that their respective students were the most fearless.
Ivy League school principal called his students and asked them to jump in sea full of sharks.
They jumped.
Principal said: See the guts…
Community College principal called his students and asked them to jump.
They said: "Have you completely lost your marbles, Mr. Davidson?"
Principal said: See the guts.
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on s**... morality......
In moments of temptation, said the speaker to the class, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: How do you make it last an hour?
An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right.
The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'
A high school senior visits a psychic...
"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"
"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."
"How do you know this?" the student asked.
The psychic replied,
"It's mostly intuition."
How to stay in class
A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day. Our calculus instructor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus," the student says. "If she wasn't so drop-dead gorgeous I would have dropped the class already." "So I guess you could says she's easy on the eyes," the bartender says. "But hard on the pupils?"
A member of the family in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.
He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-room room : " Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line :
" God save the King."
1st day at College
It was my first day at College, the class was full of students, I was late for 5 minutes and couldn't find an empty chair to sit on, the master told me to go to the next class and grab a chair, I went to the door next it was full of students as well, asked if I can grab a chair, all the students laughed, then I realized that it was same class and I just opened the b**... of the same class
A college student slowly walks into a bar and orders a beer. He starts talking to the bartender.
"What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus." The student complains. "If she wasn't so drop dead gorgeous I would've dropped the class already." The bartender looks at him and says "So you could say she's easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?"
