College Professor Jokes
63 college professor jokes and hilarious college professor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about college professor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest College Professor Short Jokes
Short college professor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The college professor humour may include short professor jokes also.
- I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections \*Professor grading my test\*
Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest. - A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar. *[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*
- College Professors are like dora The Explorer They ask a question, stares at the class for a few seconds, and then gives the answer.
- This doctor is so lucky An E.N.T. Professor retired from college. In the farewell college faculty
gifted him a silver ear.
Thanking the faculty the professor said: Thank god I am not a gynecologist. - Why are colleges starting to teach quantum computing? When professors try to explain binary states, the students tell them to go educate themselves.
- My college professor talked about double negatives today He said that you could use a double positive to describe something, but never a double negative.
Yeah, right. - My right-wing sister accused me of getting indoctrinated by my college professors for my left-wing ideologies. I tell her "You're just jealous because I actually *finished* college."
- What do CAPTCHAs and college professors have in common? They both generate and grade tests they themselves cannot pass. Enjoy midterm week!
- College professors around the world are protesting people using a precise word meaning exactly for emphasis, and throwing garbage at the floor. It's called the litter-raly
- If you had bad legs, why wouldn't you want to be a college professor? Because you never sitty down!
Share These College Professor Jokes With Friends
College Professor One Liners
Which college professor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with college professor? I can suggest the ones about university professors and chemistry professor.
- Kermit the Frog decided to become a college professor. His lectures are ribbiting.
- Tommy Wiseau was my favorite college professor He always gave me hai marks
- I took a Holocaust class in college. Instead of A's the professor gave out gold stars.
- Why do failing college girls always screw their professors? Cause they want the D.
- What did the cannibal say when he was eating the College Professor's nuts? Mmm. Academia!
- What do you call someone exclusively attracted to college professors? A-s**...
Cheeky College Professor Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about college professor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean physics professor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make college professor pranks.
A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
“And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.
“I don’t know,” the student said.
“Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.
“That’s not true,” the student replied.
“I never pay attention anyway!”
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.
One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband.
It says: "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't YOU wait up for ME."
A college Professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent.
You could have heard a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by.
Again the Professor taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor and punched him full-force in the face.
The Professor tumbled from his lofty platform, and he was out cold before he hit the floor.
At first the students were shocked, and they babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently.
The class fell silent... waiting.
Eventually, the Professor came to.
When he finally regained the power of speech, he glared at the young Marine in the front row.
"What's the matter with you? Why on earth did you do that?"
The Marine smiled. "God was busy. He sent me."
Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian.
Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them:
Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism.
Jimmy Carter said "you know, in our country we have protesters outside the White House daily carrying signs and chanting 'Down with Jimmy Carter' - 'Down with this administration' and as a country, they are free to do that and voice their arguments to the government without retribution or censorship"
Brezhnev countered "This is the same in Russia. Our people are free to come to Red Square and carry 'Down with Jimmy Carter' signs too.
Philosophy Major: True story
With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.
College
A professor tells the class that they will be performing an experiment the next day. When the students get to class, they see the professor with a large glass vase, some large rocks, some small pebbles, and some sand. The students all get seated, and the professor begins the experiment. He fills the vase with the rocks and says, "How many of you says this is full?" When half the class raises his hand, he nods, and then pours in the pebbles. "Now how many of you says this is full?" When no one else raises their hand he adds the sand and repeats the previous question. The rest of the class raises their hands. The professor then sits down to begin the rest of the class, when a student walks up with a bottle of booze that was in his backpack. He pours the booze in the vase and says to the professor "Now what does this teach you?" When the professor didn't answer the student said "There's always room for beer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day a college professor was greeting his new college class...
He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a m**...,
and if they were, they should stand up.
After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a m**....
The kid replied,
'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'.
Obstetrician career change
An Obstetrician decides that he's sick of his job and opts to become a car mechanic. For the next several months he attends night classes at his local technical college to gain his certification. A few months before the end of the curriculum, the entire class is informed that there will be a final individual exam that will constitute the majority of their grade and determine their certification status.
The day of the exam arrives and the obstetrician walks into the examination room to find three instructors and a car waiting for him. His task is to disassemble the engine, then reassemble it in the given time limit. The obstetrician does his best, though fears that he may have made a few mistakes.
A few weeks later he gets his results back and discovers he was awarded 150 points out of 100 on the test! He immediately rushes to his professor's office and asks about his score. The professor gives him a long look, then says,
"Well, the first 50 points you received were for correctly disassembling the engine, the next 50 points were for reassembling it, and we gave you 50 points of extra credit for doing it all through the muffler."
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test,
the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.
The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a s**... test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what is big data ?
College professor asks students , " There is so much so going on about big data right now so What is big data ?"
John responds , " Sir, its like teenage s**.... Nobody quite understand it, everybody says know how to do it and claims to have done it and tell stories about how amazing was it everyday"
A deaf couple are on a road trip
My deaf professor told me this joke (in sign language) in college:
A deaf couple are on a road trip. The wife signs to the husband that she is tired, and they should look for a motel for the night. The husband pulls over into the next motel, and they reserve a room.
In the middle of the night, the husband wakes up with a splitting headache. He signs to his wife his wife if they have any ibuprofen. The wife groggily replies to check the glove compartment in the car.
The man, half asleep, gets out of bed, walks out to the car, and finds the pills in the glove compartment.
He gets out of the car to make his way back to the room, but immediately forgets which room is his. So he gets back into the car and SLAMS on the horn and holds it.
Little by little, every room in the motel turns on their light. All but one. That's his room!
Three engineers
There are three engineers heading to their college reunion in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. The car breaks down along the way for seemingly no reason.
The electrical engineer suggests testing the electronics of the car and attempt to find out if a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting stopped up.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, comes up with a "Microsoft Solution": Close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, then he's positive it will work!
Source: One of my old professors but, it's probably somewhere on the internet.
Johnny finally makes it to college...
On the first day his psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object, then describe the object and tell her what it is.
First she calls on Kyle who says "I feel something big round and bumpy. It's a globe!"
The professor says "Good Kyle! I like the way you think.
Next she calls on Suzie who says "I feel something flat and coarse. It's paper!"
The professor says "Good Suzie! I like the way you think."
Finally she calls on Johnny. He sticks his hand in his pocket with a creepy smile and says "Teacher, I feel something round, hard, and it has a head on it.
The professor interrupts him shouting "Johnny, That's disgusting!"
He replies, "No teacher it's a quarter, but I like the way you think."
A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Test
WC in college. Three cubicles. Voice from the left: *Peter, professor passed you in philosophy?* Voice from the right: *No, he did not...*
Voice from the middle: **And I won't!**
4 college students are having a great time on spring break.
So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"
How to get a PhD in Music
In some colleges of music, part of the doctoral requirement is to compose an original full length symphony. Because modern music sounds so weird, a good ploy is to take a well-known classical symphony, write it backwards and submit it as an original work. One student took the daring step of taking his professor's doctoral symphony and reversing it. The student failed to receive his degree. The examiners remarked, "You just reproduced Sibelius' Fourth Symphony with not a single note changed!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class
He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme s**... exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll have to learn how to write with your other hand then..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him."Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out."To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
College is really tough and I'm failing nearly everything.
So far the only test I've gotten a positive score on is the h**... one. I figured the professor who gave me the D would at least give me an A not a D+
Simple mathematics
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.
One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.
I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students.
Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."
Double positives
One day, during a lesson at the community college, the professor is explaining how a double negative will always be positive but a double positive can never be negative.
To which his student replies "yeah right"
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
Maths Teacher told us this spicy one today
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.
One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband.
It says: "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't YOU wait up for ME."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a f**....
"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another f**....
"You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied.
By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?"
"I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."
My college professor messed up our finals and gave it to us out of order
I asked him why he was so sloppy with his organization, but he didn't have a response.
I recommended getting a stapler. When he asked me why bother, I told him "Well, it's a staple in every test."
Me: I can't believe it increased by 1500%.
Professor: I'm sick of hearing about BITCOIN! Nothing can increase by that much and still be a good investment.
Me: I was talking about the price of college tuition since 1980...
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.
One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."
Four college students decide to get drunk before their final exam.
Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam. They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car tire went flat. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the make up test the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test .
The four boys open their final booklet and to their surprise they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"
I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"
That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car the tire went flat. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
On the day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at
his watch, and says you may begin the test .
The four boys open their final booklet and to their surprise they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
How to stay in class
A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day. Our calculus instructor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus," the student says. "If she wasn't so drop-dead gorgeous I would have dropped the class already." "So I guess you could says she's easy on the eyes," the bartender says. "But hard on the pupils?"
A member of the family in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.
He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-room room : " Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line :
" God save the King."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college student slowly walks into a bar and orders a beer. He starts talking to the bartender.
"What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus." The student complains. "If she wasn't so drop dead gorgeous I would've dropped the class already." The bartender looks at him and says "So you could say she's easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Opposites
A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"
A r**... in the back of the class stood up from his seat and said, "I reckon that would be giddy up, mister."
The Dean at the community college called in her English as a Second Language (ESL) professor after all of his students stormed out of his first class and withdrew from the college.
"What in the world did you do to those students to make them all leave on the first day of class?", she asked him.
"Not much, I just gave them one sentence to read.", he replied.
"What was the sentence?", she wanted to know.
"John thought he was being thorough although all he did was hiccough while he sloughed off the rough dough through the trough to the lough."
