Following is our collection of school puns and diploma one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including College jokes for adults, dirty universities jokes and clean sophomore dad gags for kids.
College
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
To pick up his master's degree.
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"
I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won't shut tf up about it. He's always been like this, even when we were in college together.
At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
I don't think I can ever repay you.
It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.
"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.
5x0=0
Because bears don't go to college.
Because it already has 28 million degrees.
like how she got a job right out of college.
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.
I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.
He's said No - anti-depressants.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
You're the man of the house now
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
I am forever in your debt.
Web Design.
*An Arab student emails his dad:*
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*
My dear loving son,
Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.
one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.
But then every time the phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying
*[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*
For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.
I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.
What is college feminism?
10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers
She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car crash, or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"
According to the latest pole
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."
Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:
"How much for a semester pass?"
She says "You cannot be absent unless you are wounded, seriously ill or you have a sudden death in the family." One boy asks "But what about extreme fatigue from a hot night of sex?" When the class is done laughing the professor smiles and says
"In that case you can write with your other hand."
A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"
A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."
one asks the other: "What year are you in?" "Well...2012. you ?"
*Edit. The title could be a joke on its own.
- Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard Sale
- Charlottes Web Cam.
He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"
She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?
My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent
I would be up to about $6.30 now.
Interviewer: forget everything you learned in college. You won't be needing any of that here.
Man: good that I didn't go to college then.
Interviewer: sorry we can't hire you.
When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."
...so one day I can ask '*Why* do you want fries with that?'
He didn't want to show up for finals.
walk in with A's and leave with D's.
A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The only catch was the story had to include three subjects:
1: Religion
2: Sexuality
3: Mystery
Below is the only A* essay.
"Good god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."
Bison.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
AcCOUNTing
This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.
Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...
All my notebooks say "college ruled" so it must've been somewhat fun
There is an abundance of university jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 57 funniest jokes and college puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any more college student comments witze you can hear about college.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.