The Best 65 College Jokes
Looking for funny college jokes? Check out our collection of hilarious college jokes that will have you laughing out loud.
Top 10 Funniest College Jokes and Puns
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
Forget everything you learned in college...
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
Why did the slave go to college?
To pick up his master's degree.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Two blondes meet in college..
one asks the other: "What year are you in?" "Well...2012. you ?"
*Edit. The title could be a joke on its own.
Importance of Planning
Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right
So a college teacher is talking to his male students...
"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."
Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:
"How much for a semester pass?"
When I was in college I met a girl at a bar and we exchanged phone numbers...
But then every time the phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey...
For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.
A beautiful college professor reminds her student of the big test tomorrow
She says "You cannot be absent unless you are wounded, seriously ill or you have a sudden death in the family." One boy asks "But what about extreme fatigue from a hot night of sex?" When the class is done laughing the professor smiles and says
"In that case you can write with your other hand."
You can explore college campus reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean college professors dad jokes. There are also college puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why didn't the bear go to college?
Because bears don't go to college.
A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project
For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.
"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.
What was Spider Man's major in college?
Web Design.
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England
He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"
What is College Feminism?
What is college feminism?
10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers
I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...
like how she got a job right out of college.
There's this hot girl in my college writing class.
Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.
Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college.
I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.
Here's one for you recent graduates.
A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."
Crossing the Border
A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"
Add a word to ruin a movie:
- Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard Sale
- Charlottes Web Cam.
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I am forever in your debt.
A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar.
*[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*
A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.
She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car crash, or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"
Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.
I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.
He's said No - anti-depressants.
The Sun doesn't need to go to college
Because it already has 28 million degrees.
I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...
It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo
one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.
I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college
My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent
I wish my college was run by EA
At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
42% of strippers are working their way through college
According to the latest pole
A man walks in for an interview
Interviewer: forget everything you learned in college. You won't be needing any of that here.
Man: good that I didn't go to college then.
Interviewer: sorry we can't hire you.
What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college?
You're the man of the house now
If I had 50 cents for every math exam I failed in college...
I would be up to about $6.30 now.
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college
I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won't shut tf up about it. He's always been like this, even when we were in college together.
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
An Arab student emails his dad:
*An Arab student emails his dad:*
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*
My dear loving son,
Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?
College
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"
I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections
\*Professor grading my test\*
Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.
What is the most expensive video streaming service right now?
College.
two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought.
My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.
He's now a high priest.
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
I like my coffee how I like my men. I don't like coffee.
Kidding, I liked it in college.
In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn't afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
He says, "The female dormitory would be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory would be prohibited for the female students."
Continuing further, he says, "Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $50 the first time."
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time would be fined $100."
"Being caught the third time, would incur a hefty fine of $200."
"Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT
I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.
He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.
My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she's up to now.
Why doesn't the sun go to college?
Because it has a million degrees!
My wife asked what I thought our daughter was going to do in college...
"Crash and burn. It's a double major."
The Stork family comes home at the end of the day
The storks sit down for dinner. Mama Stork says "Father Stork, what did you do today?"
Father Stork says "I was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Mama Stork?"
Mama Stork says "I also was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Baby Stork?"
Baby Stork says "I was out scaring the crap out of college students."
(Cultural note: in many cultures, a common myth is that storks deliver babies to mothers instead of mothers giving birth)
A high schooler walks into an SAT,
a college student walks into a final,
and a law student walks into a bar.
How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?
"He was the original owner!"
A jock and a rich kid walk into a bar
They bond over how easily they got into college and how little they'll contribute to society after they graduate.
Football
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. Can you tackle? asked the coach. Watch this, said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. Wow, said the coach. I'm impressed. Can you run? Of course I can run, said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. Great! enthused the coach. But can you pass a football? The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. Well, sir, he said, If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.
A bunch of functions are drinking in bar...
When someone yells "A differential is coming!" All the functions panic and try to hide, except e^x . One of the functions asked "e^x , why aren't you hiding from the differential?" To which it responded "I'm e^x , a differential can't do anything to me!" At that point, the differential walked in and overheard e^x 's arrogant claims to which the differential said "Ah but you see, I differentiate with respect to **y**"
I'm not proud. Learned this from a TA in Diff Eq in college.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the college dorm puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working college party piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.