College Graduation Jokes
65 college graduation jokes and hilarious college graduation puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about college graduation that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest College Graduation Short Jokes
Short college graduation jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The college graduation humour may include short graduation jokes also.
- what do you call a cruise full of college graduates? a Scholar-ship !
- A dishonest college graduate wrote PhD on his transcript I guess you could say he doctored it
- My college graduation was held inside the basketball arena and man was it hot Musta been like 5,000 degrees in there
- Did you hear about the circle that graduated college Apparently it got three-hundred and sixty degrees
- What do recent college graduates and felons have in common? It takes three to five years before anyone will hire them.
- Donald Trump is an inspiration to all new College graduates. He is in the final interview rounds of a job he has zero experience for.
- My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed... I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"
- I don't know why millenials always complain about the job market after college In the 15 years since I graduates I've held 5 entry level positions with every promotion.
- A jock and a rich kid walk into a bar They bond over how easily they got into college and how little they'll contribute to society after they graduate.
- As the father of a now high school graduate, I think it's time I stopped fantasizing about "college girls." I mean, no need to dream when you've got the real thing at home, right?
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College Graduation One Liners
Which college graduation one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with college graduation? I can suggest the ones about high school graduation and college graduates.
- Why did the test tube go to college? To become a graduated cylinder.
- Chuck Norris graduated college in one hour.
- What do you call a can after it completes college? A graduated cylinder.
- So a college graduate with no experience gets a good job! Get it?
- I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
- Why did college graduates stop applying to work at Apple? No more jobs
- It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college.
- What do you call a test tube with a college degree? a graduated cylinder
- Why was the piece of paper sad on graduation day? College Ruled.
- How to graduate from college with NO debt! My parents paid for it.
- Why don't a lot of cows go to college? Not a lot of them graduate high school.
- What does an autistic person get when he graduates from college? A degREEEEE
- What do you call a juggalo at a college graduation? Lost.
Amusing College Graduation Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about college graduation you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean graduating class jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make college graduation pranks.
Q: What are a blonde's first words after graduating college?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Q: What are a blonde's first words after graduating college?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
When I graduated from highschool, I was so poor and couldn't afford college.
So my parents sent me to dog training school.
I learned a lot when I was there.
Sit, stay, roll over.
I haven't quite got the fetching part down.
They say I'm a little rough around the edges.
A 21-year-old is hired by a hardware store. He shows up for his first day of work at 8 AM sharp.
The boss welcomes him, then hands him a broom.
"First, sweep out the store. Then I'll show you where the window cleaning equipment is."
"Sir," the young man protests. "You can't be serious. I'm a college graduate."
"Oh, sorry," says the manager, pointing to the broom. "No problem. I can show you how that thing works."
What are a blonde's first words after graduating college? "Would you like fries with that?"
Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
Poetry Competition
The two finalists at the annual poetry competition were an Ivy League college graduate and a r**.... The final stage of the competition was to write a rhyming poem using the word *Timbuktu.* The college graduate stands up to the microphone and starts.
>A desert caravan astray beneath a dusk deep blue
>On a path unknown the camels walk two by two
>Men search the stars for a bearing true
>Destination Timbuktu
The crowd erupted with applause then settled back into their seats. The r**... approaches the microphone, clears his t**... and begins to speak.
>Me n' Tim a huntin' went
>Met three w**... in a pop up tent
>They was three and we was two
>So I buck'd one and Tim-buck'd-two
Topical Jokes for 6/11
In California, a ten-year-old boy has graduated from high school. And in Florida, a ten-year-old girl has dropped out of school because she's pregnant.
…the boy has already sent out a college application, which was written in magic marker, on the back of a Fruit Roll Up.
Casey Kasem's family has decided to take him off of life support. They made the decision after Kasem's brain activity shot to the bottom of the charts.
Starbucks has announced their new tables will wirelessly charge phones placed on them. *Annnd* electrocute sleeping homeless people.
I wonder how Beaker from the Muppets came to work at Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's laboratory.
Is he just there as a college intern, or is he a graduated beaker?
I like to tell people my wife was top of her class until she learned about drugs in college.
She got her degree in pharmacy and was in the top 5 in her graduating class.
post-graduate plans
My college counselor asked me what my post-graduate plans were, and I told her I was interested in cleaning mirrors. When she asked why, I just shrugged and told her it was a job I could see myself doing.
Here's one for you recent graduates.
A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."
What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college?
A Graduated cylinder.
Starting salary
Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineering graduate said, "In the range of $100,000 - 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a brand new BMW?"
The engineering graduate sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
What's the difference between a recent college graduate and a dollar?
A dollar is worth more.
Boss: Take this broom and go sweep the hallways!
Employee: But I'm a college graduate!
Boss: Great! Then I should only have to explain this just once.
My accountant friend's dad just bought him a new car for graduating college
I'm sure he really depreciates it.
A quadriplegic goes off to college but never graduates.
He tried and tried but just couldn't get that leg up.
Do you know what an education major gets when they graduate from college in Oklahoma?
A map to Texas.
A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major.
He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"
What's the difference between a college dropout and a college graduate?
One has a job an the other has a degree!
I think the college r**... culture is terrible for society. All that stuff is bad and should be banned!
After I graduate
How can you tell that an ice cube didn't graduate from college in the US?
Because it has 0 degrees.
Also because it uses the Celsius scale.
After 72 years since not completing her college course, my Grandma finally went back and earned her very first diploma...
...I asked her what will she be wearing for her graduation ceremony and she said depends.
"Even though I didn't go to college, I make as much as a Graduate..."
"...Unfortunately it's a gender studies major."
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.
But I'm a college graduate! the young man replied indignantly.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how...
Old habits are hard to break.
A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.
Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the instructor gave her 150 points. Fearing there must be some error she goes to ask her instructor.
"If 100 is a perfect score, how is it I scored 50 points over?"
The instructor explains, "Well you scored 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly."
"And 50 points for putting it all back together correctly."
"You got the extra 50 points for doing all of it through the muffler!"
Two recent college graduates walk into the mens room at the same time.
They proceed to the urinals to relieve their bladders. When they finish one walks to the sink and washes his hands.
The other about to exit without washing his hands.
Sink guy- at Harvard they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom.
Other guy- at my college they taught us not to p**... on our hands.
