Collective Jokes

After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"

β€žCuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.

They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"

β€žShe said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says β€žCome with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says β€žOink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.

β€žPiggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says β€žWelcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes β€žMeeh!

Boss says β€žDon't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.

What is the collective noun for a group of depressives?

A melancolony

Another Soviet Joke

In a small town outside Moscow a very proud primary school teacher began the Monday the same was she began every monday: by asking the students what they did to help their fellow comrads in the glorious Soviet Union. She turned to Illya Ivanovich.

"Illya Ivanovich, what did you do today to help the Collective?"

Illya thought a moment and replied, "Well, Katerina Maximovna, I helped an old woman cross the street."

"Wonderful," his teacher replied, "you truly helped your country. And you, Alexander Michaelovich, what did you do this weekend to help the Collective?"

"Well, you see Katerina Maximovna, I was helping Illya to help the old lady cross the street."

"OK. Good work. You certainly helped your nation and your fellow comrads." Katerina then looked at Dimitri Fyodorovich.

"And you, Dimitri Fyodorovich. What did you do this weekend to benefit the Collective?"

Dimitri thought for a moment, and then said, "Katerina Maximovna, you see, I was also helping Alexander and Illya to help the old woman across the street."

Katerina Maximovna paused a moment, and then with a confused look she said, "OK, Dimitri Fyodorovich, it is always good to help others. But I am confused. Why did it take three strong young boys to help one old babushka across the street?"

Dimitri thought for a moment and answered, "Well, you see, she didn't want to cross."

A commissar goes to a collective farm...

... And hails a farmer to ask about how his village's farms are doing.

The farmer says "Oh Comrade Commissar, if we stacked all the potatoes in a pile, it would reach the foot of God!"

The commissar raises an eyebrow and says "Comrade farmer, we live in the USSR. There is no god."

The farmer replied: "That's okay, there are no potatoes either."

Stalin visits a farm

One day, Joseph Stalin visits an agricultural collective. And so....

Stalin: Comrade, how much wheat do you have?

Farmer: Comrade Stalin, we have enough wheat to reach God!

Stalin: Comrade, as a Marxist, you know that there is no God!

Farmer: Comrade Stalin, as a Marxist, you know that there is no wheat!

What happened when the Borg's central computer was destroyed?

They lost their collective minds

What's the collective noun for sneezes?

A choo.

What is the collective noun for children?

A migraine.

My family have been doing a collective workout challenge.

It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....


...or, Grandad.

What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle?

A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)

A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest

"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.

"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.

"But there is no God" counters the official.

"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"

What is the collective noun for three dyslexics?

A riot.

Stalin visits a collective farm.

The manager greets him and says, *"Comrade Stalin! We have so many potatoes, that piled one on top of the other, they would reach God!"*

*"But God does not exist."*

*"And neither do the potatoes."*

Mild NSFW Whats the collective noun for cyclists?

Pedalphiles

What's the collective noun for gay priests?

Priests.

What was Vladimir Lenin's favorite 90's alt rock band?

Collective Soul

What's the collective noun for a group of bloodsucking parasites?

A Senate.

We have collected gags that can be used as Collective pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Collective, here are one liners and funny Collective pick up lines.

Joko Jokes