Collection Jokes

Following is our collection of vinyl puns and magazines one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Collection jokes for adults, dirty compilation jokes and clean assortment dad gags for kids.

The Best Collection Puns

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

TIL that Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you Up

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

Rick Astley will lend you any of the Pixar films in his collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you Up.

Rick Astley is such a nice guy

He'll let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!

He's Never Gonna Give You Up


I asked my friend about his time in prison.

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer

Anyone got any more?

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.

The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."

The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

When I die, I'm leaving my vintage meme collection to my son.

My will will simply say you're the man now, dog

Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.

* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.

* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.

* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.

* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.

* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?


* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.

I should have broken up with my boyfriend when he showed me his collection of Soviet memorabilia...

I mean, the red flags were right there in front of me.


Rick Astley will let you borrow any DVD from his Disney Pixar collection, except one.

My girlfriend and I were moving each others comic book collection and now we both have to see a chiropractor.

Because we both have back issues.

What's the difference between a collection and an addiction?

I don't have an alcohol collection.

My neighbors called the cops on me, but when the police came to my house all they found was my collection of string instruments.

I got charged with domestic violins.

my friend has a model fish collection

they are all to scale

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique gun collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

A woman on trial

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks the prosecutor:
"First offender?"

The prosecutor responds:

"No, a Gibson first, then a Fender"

My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.

Adios Omegas.


45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

What do you call Venus Williams' collection of Pokemon?

The 'mons of Venus.

Do you want to know how i got these Scars?

Joker asked Batman as he showed him his Lion king figurine collection.

Wife is on trial for killing her husband...

She's accused of killing her husband with his guitar collection.

Judge: First offender?

Wife: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.

What'd they call that place with the collection of escape artist memorabilia?

now museum, now you don't

My girlfriend tells me she admires the fact that I have the body of a 20 year old

I know that she's just being nice because in reality, she has a much larger collection and a lot of them are younger than 20

My buddy got home today to find his wife had left him...

She took his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish.

Feel sorry for him..... No Woman, No Sky.

You may not be aware of it, but NASA conducted an experiment during the Apollo mission days.

They launched a collection of cows into orbit on a prototype rocket.

It was a herd shot round the world.

My friend stole cheese from my cheese collection

How dairy

Someone tried to steal my dyslexia music collection

I nearly lost my hits

A Collection of "What do you Call"s

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Ideer!
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
*Still* no Ideer!
. . .
What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhinoceros?
Elephino, but let's get away from that huge thing!
. . .
If you need explaining, ask in the comments! Thanks for reading!

I heard Rick Astley will give you any movie from his Disney collection

Except Up. He's Never Gonna Give You Up.

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.

If I've learned one thing in my travels, it's that men come in all shapes and sizes.

But enough about my exotic fleshlight collection.

A Rabbi had been saving foreskin

He wanted to make something nice out of his collection so he brought them to leather tanner. When he goes to pick up his product he's surprised that all his foreskin collection only produced a coin purse. The leather tanner explained that if you rub the coin purse it turns into a duffel bag.

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my superman comic collection.

She said I have too many issues.

What do you call a group of garbage men?

A collection!

My collection of dwarf/midget jokes. I'm sorry.

Did you know that there was a dwarf shortage in America?

In other countries, dwarfism is a growing problem.

Dwarves and midgets actually have very little in common.

Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy?

Yesterday I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the prison wall and he looked at me and sneered. I said, "Well that's a little condescending."

How do midgets get girls to date them? They're really good at small talk.

Pirates

The FBI seize a collection of pirated movies.

The movies were Footloose, dirty dancing, ferris bueller's day off, ghost busters and the breakfast club.

As the pirate sees his beloved movies taken away from him, he cries

"ARGH! Me eighties!"

What do you call a collection of memes?

A memeoir.

I have an old soul, the mind of a scholar, the heart of a child and the body of a stripper.

And that completes my basement collection of human body parts.

Did you hear about Trump's collection of styrofoam wildebeests?

Probably for the best, it was fake gnus, anyways....

Stan Lee stopped by my rooftop apartment to check out my comic collection. Things were fine until he saw my pet parrots; he suddenly started blubbering! I pointed out there were parrots in the foyer as well, & they didn't affect him. For some reason, only my parrots upset him. Now I'm wondering...

...why do birds sadden Lee up here?

My girlfriend asked if I was sad that I had to give up my bird collection...

I told her I have no egrets.

My brother recently got married

To celebrate, my mother decided to pull out a couple bottles from my late father's homemade alcohol collection.

That way he could be there in spirits

What do you call a fashion designer, who is not yet sure about his new collection?

Tommy Hilfigeritout

My friend, who studies mice, wanted a specific rodent to complete his collection.

He asked me to find one for him. I searched far and wide for a homosexual rodent of the Ming subspecies (that was his request).

After a few months, I found a rodent that matched his request. But when I gave it to him, he slapped me.

I was shocked. "Why did you slap me?", I asked out of frustration.

"You idiot! I asked you for a gaming mouse!!"

Why couldn't the geologist part with her rock collection?

It was sedimental.

You could ask Rick Astley for any movie in his animated collection, but...

He's never gonna give you Up.

Rick Astley will give you any movie from his collection apart from one.

He'll never give you up.

My friend told me that he had a collection of small amphibians of the subfamily Pleurodelinae.

That's newts to me.

I tried to publish my collection of short stories.

But the publisher said it wasn't exactly a novel idea.

My collection has been ruined ... happens every Christmas.

I collect them in the basement (the Man Cave, of course). But she routinely trades my Muntjac deer (not easy to find in the US, mind you) and Chinese deer and replaces them with garden-variety reindeer every Christmas. I've asked her and asked her.

I am tired of her common deering my Man Cave.

What do you call a Vietnamese woman who has a huge collection of letters?

A mail hoarder bride. I'll see myself out.

A collection of puns in one text.

[Context: Friend borrowed a great book by Yahtzee Croshaw, "Jam"]

Friend: I'm liking Jam a lot.

Me: Sweet. Glad you got absorbed in it. It's a berry good book. So many sticky situations for the seed of character development.

Friend: *turns off phone*

Flagging down a people-carrier taxi is like my music collection.

I don't like van hailing.

What do you call a collection of songs to hike to?

Trail mix.

Why did the police officers take the man's dolphin collection?

For investigative Porpoises.

How much did the German, fistbump-loving, traditional baker charge for his coin collection?

Pump per nickel.

What do you call a collection of information about oceanic predators?

Sharkives.

A woman arrives home to find that her place has been broken into

Among the items that have been stolen are her jewelry, money, and her collection of expensive lotions. Police come to file a report and ask her if she would possibly know of any suspects. She responds "No officer, I have no idea of who would do this. But whoever it is is one smooth criminal."

I got my wife a nice collection of themed gifts for our anniversary

I just need to figure out how to present them

My collection of cemetery jokes

Say them as fast as possible whenever passing a cemetery.

How many people are dead in the cemetery?
All of them.

Why is the cemetery so popular?
People are dying to get in it.

Why is the cemetery so loud?
All the coffin.

Take them with you, share them, enjoy them.

I'm not crazy

Man: Doctor my family thinks I'm nuts because I like pancakes, Psychiatrist: I see nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes too, Man: Well then you should come over and see my collection, I have three suitcases full.

What did the geologist say about his rock collection?

Isn't it gneiss?

Been reading a fascinating memoir about Latino street culture.

It's a collection of esΓ©s.

My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)

Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability to focus making me quiet but don't actually say it)

Sausages

A man tells his psychiatrist, "Honestly, I don't even know why I'm here. My wife says I need to see you just because I love sausages."

The psychiatrist replied sympathetically, "Well, I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, I love sausages, too!"

"Wow, awesome!" the man replied. "You ought to come over to my basement and see my collection, then. I have hundreds!"

My rare penny collection isn't very wise...

It completely lacks common cents.

What do you call a collection of saved titty pics?

Mamories

Adam Levine Collection has a clothing line at Kmart

His clothes are half off there too

How many rocks did Hank Schrader have in his collection by the end of Breaking Bad?

None, they were all minerals.

Been selling random stuff on Ebay recently.

I'm now torn about whether or not to sell off my beloved complete John Lennon collection. They'll be hard to part with, but imagine all the Paypal.

I've finally taken the time to list my collection of John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.

Imagine all the PayPal.

My friend wanted a non polar solvent for his collection that wasn't particularly toxic.

I told him to get some water from the equator.

I love my guitar collection....

but one of the guitars is a bit different from the rest, I think he's a bit acoustic.

I have a collection of captured mosquitoes...

I'm not happy one bit.

Not to Brag:

Not to brag, but I own the world's largest collection of air guitars.

A famous Australian fashion designer created a special collection of denim trousers for the indigenous population.

He calls them Aborijeans.

Half a year ago, I've started my own vinyl records collection. I religiously spend every penny I can on vinyl

I own 2 records already.

What do a pedophile and a Pokemon master have in common?

They both have a collection of CP

Did you hear about the guy who tripped over his collection of classical composer statues?

They said he Baroque his Bach.

Why are Jewish Synagogues Round?

... So nobody can hide in the corner once the collection comes around

My neighbor claims to have a large collection of classic arcade games

but I think it's just a case of 1UPmanship.

Do you want to see my skeleton collection?

I currently only have 1, and I'm not looking to expand.

Oxford has released a digital collection of words you're allowed to say, but only released it on one platform.

They had to make sure it was PC.

What do new car colours and your mom's literary collection have in common?

They both only have fifty shades of grey.

If Rick Astley had a collection of Pixar movies he would let you borrow any of them...

But he will never give you up.

There is an abundance of mons jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 88 funniest jokes and collection puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any stack witze you can hear about collection.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes