Collected Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Collected jokes. There are some collected money jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these collected unwanted puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Comical & Quirky Collected Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

Frodo collected the keys to Macy's, JCPenney, McDonald's, etc. and put them on a single key ring

It was one ring to rule the mall.

I once dated a girl that collected magazines.

We had to break up because she had too many issues.

stupidity

A man was walking pass an alley way and his eyes caught a homeless man. As he moved closer to see the man he heard someone whisper something. The homeless man told him stay calm, cool and collected while I rob you of your money. As the man tried to turn away he felt a heavy slap on his face that sent him spinning of balance.

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."

They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

jokes about collected

Cigarretes

Some guy is smoking in an airport.

"How many cigarettes do you smoke daily, sir?"
"Why?"
"Did you know that if you collected all the money you spend on cigarettes and medications you could buy that plane?
"Well, do you smoke cigarettes?"
"No, sir"
"Do you own a plane?"
"Uhm. No..."
"Well, thanks for the advice. By the way that plane's mine."

Long ago I got my first job as a circumciser.

The pay was not much but I collected a lot of tips.

Playing video games cost me my life. Luckily, I've almost collected 100,000 Space Eggs from the Planet Zogg so I'll get another one.

Collected joke, Playing video games cost me my life. Luckily, I've almost collected 100,000 Space Eggs from the Plan

A farmer had a sheepdog...

The farmer sent his sheepdog to go and round up all of the sheep into the pen. The sheepdog did this and then came back to the farmer and said, "I've collected all 40 of the sheep into the pen". The farmer goes and checks just to make sure but he only counts 36 sheep. He asks his sheepdog about this and the sheepdog says, "Well, you asked me to round them up!"

Did you hear about a guy who collected memorabilia of Rosa Parks, Florence Nightingale, Joan of Arc, and Wonder Woman?

Apparently, he was a heroine addict.

I was given a recipe book for roadkill recently

I collected some roadkill and followed the recipe. It tasted good but I have no idea what to do with his bike.

NY Times said Gen Xers spend the most amount of time on the internet.

Data were collected by survey monkey, analyzed by baby boomers and written up by the millennial intern.

You can explore collected foreskins reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean collected items dad jokes. There are also collected puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

"Mr. Stalin, what's your hobby?"

Stalin: My hobby?

Interviewer: Yes.

Stalin: Well, I collect political jokes.

Interviewer: How many have you collected?

Stalin: 2 and a half Gulags

Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.

"I'm looking for the seal." - collected

A soldier's revenge after his SO broke up

A soldier serving in AfghanistanΒ was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying,

"I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

Sorry to hear that they banned your mom from disneyland...

.. but at least she collected a lot of money from kids trying to put quarters in her ears to ride her.

How did Alice describe the data she collected in Wonderland?

Spuriouser and spuriouser

Collected joke, How did Alice describe the data she collected in Wonderland?

Back in medieval times King Arthur had a knight that collected taxes

His name was Sir Charge

New Years resolution to recycle water

I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don't care what everyone else at the gym says.

Journalist asks:

-Comrade Stalin, do you have any hobby?

-I collect jokes about me.

-And how many have you collected so far?

-About two and a half gulags.

There's a Marine in Afghanistan

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.

So, the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Mans wife finds 25,000 dollars and two ears of corn in a secret trunk at their home

Wife - Why are there two ears of corn in this trunk?

Husband - I kept a ear of corn every time I messed around on you.

Wife - Oh that's not bad, 34 years of marriage and only messed around twice? What about the 25,000 dollars?

Husband - Every-time I collected a bushel I sold it.

I always collected my old farts in a jar

and took them with me whenever I had an exam. It's how I passed my classes.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a volume."

The physicist answers: "let P be a spherical, friction-less pig...

I had a dream where a serial killer collected ears as trophies.

His room was very eary.

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

Donald trump, in an attempt to appeal to younger voters, is attempting to use the nostalgia card.

Somebody really needs to tell him that we collected Beanie-Babies not beaner babies.

Collected joke, Donald trump, in an attempt to appeal to younger voters, is attempting to use the nostalgia card.

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Turns out that sperm is only collected from our clients and they don't like when I ask if they're here to make a withdrawal or deposit.

An artist is building a mini town out of lint collected from sweaters. Do you know what he titled the project?

The pillage.

Chuck Norris once passed 6 kidney stones.

They were then subsequently collected by Thanos to wipe out half of all life in the universe.

My father loved the photos and paintings of John Audubon

He collected as many photos and paintings of all the different birds around the world.

As he lay on his deathbed facing the "wall of wading birds" I asked him if he would have done anything different.

His eyes panned across the wall and he frowned. With his last words he said.

"I have no egrets"

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

I forgot to do the dishes again, and as punishment my wife read me the collected works of Kafka

I never did hear the end of it

I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan

She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical.

Then I saw her place...

A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...

They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.

Until one guy sees the rabbi hasn't collected any money and decides to help him out Rabbi, why don't you try asking for charity outside of a synagogue?

The rabbi turns to the priest Moshe, this guy wants to teach us marketing

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then taken to the individual casinos to redeem for cash.

This is done by the chip monks.

Comrade Putin, is it true that you collect political jokes?

Putin: "Yes"

Me: And how many have you collected so far?

Putin:
Three and a half prisons

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

Two Parachutists

Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.

One man's parachute opened, the other one's didn't.

The guy with the defective chute was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue. Appeared to be in no rush.

The other guy with the good chute said Hey, you look so calm and collected. Why are you taking your time? Why aren't you panicking?

The guy with the unopened chute said Hey, why should I rush? I've got the rest of my life to figure it out .

A mohel collected all the foreskins in a jar, for the duration of his thirty year career.

Upon his retirement, he brought them to a local leather shop and requested a custom piece.

"What should I make?" asked the leathersmith.

"Surprise me," said the mohel.

A week later he returned to find the result. A wallet.

"There were hundreds of foreskins there, and all you can produce is a wallet?"

"Wait, the best part.. if you rub it, it turns into a briefcase."

I knew a guy who collected candy canes,

they were all in mint condition.

Some guy I know collected watches. He'd use to link them all together into a sort of belt.

I thought it was a waist of time.

I used to be an orphan, too, growing up

I collected bauxite, hematite, adamite, you name it.

I was quite the ore fan indeed.

Why did Steve Jobs' face always look so calm and collected?

Because he used eye-pads before sleep

Dragon Ball Z is real.

Messi collected 7 golden balls and successfully wished for a world cup.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the collected possessions puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working collected bushel piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes