Collect Jokes
115 collect jokes and hilarious collect puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about collect that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the art of collecting jokes, from the clever to the downright hilarious. Learn about the different collections, from the timeless pail to the recently-retired foreskins. Click and collect all the best jokes with this informative article.
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Funniest Collect Short Jokes
Short collect jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The collect humour may include short tract jokes also.
- My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection. He needs Help.
- TIL that Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up
- A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. judge asks, "First offender?" She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."
- A woman is arrested for beating her husband up with his guitar collection. The judge asked "First offender?"
The wife answered "No. First a Gibson. Then a Fender" - Never give a donation to someone collecting for a charity marathon. They'll take the money and run.
- I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking..... We can collect her ashes tomorrow.
- Rick Astley will lend you any of the Pixar films in his collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
- My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races. It's our running joke
- Rick Astley is such a nice guy He'll let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!
He's Never Gonna Give You Up - After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black... ...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief
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Collect One Liners
Which collect one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with collect? I can suggest the ones about coop and combine.
- Used Vacuum cleaner for sale. I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.
- I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.
- I don't get the purpose of an air filter It just sits there and collects dust.
- I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day. All it was doing was collecting dust.
- I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... All it does is collect dust.
- I sold my vacuum the other day. All it was doing was collecting dust.
- Happy Greek Easter! Which Greek God loved to collect animals? Zoos
- I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition.
- Yesterday I sold my vacuum in a garage sale all it was doing was collecting dust.
- I was sad when I lost my rock collection. It had a lot of sedimental value.
- What is the collective noun for a group of depressives? A melancolony
- What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection? Growth.
- I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines. What can I say, I have issues.
- I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.
- My ant farm has 9 ants. One more and I'll have to start collecting rent.
Click And Collect Jokes
Here is a list of funny click and collect jokes and even better click and collect puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- No Contact? Places seems to be advertising No contact delivery , and No contact click n collect a lot these days. Was there ever a contact option?..
Thanks for the pizza, ready for the cuddle? .
Charming Humor Collect Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about collect you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean assemble jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make collect pranks.
My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)
Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability to focus making me quiet but don't actually say it)
The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.
His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
(it's a long story)A farmer sees a stranger walking down the road...
A farmer sees a stranger walking down the road. In a few minutes the man comes back and hails the farmer. He says "I see you have some Honeysuckle growing down the road. I was wondering if you had an old jar that I can collect the honey in?"
The farmer is confused and says "Well you can have a jar, but you won't get honey from a Honeysuckle."
The man replies "If you know how you can."
So the farmer gives him the jar. Soon he comes back to show the farmer and, sure enough, the jar is full of golden honey.
A few days later the stranger comes by again. He says "I see you have some Milkweed growing along the road. Would you have a bucket I can collect some milk in."
The farmer laughs and says "That was a good trick with the honey, but you can't get milk from a Milkweed."
The man replies "If you know how you can."
The farmer gives him the bucket and soon enough he comes back with the pail full of milk.
A week later the stranger comes by again.
He says to the farmer "I see you have some Pussywillows growing.."
The farmers interrupts with "Wait'll I get my hat!"
There once was a man who used to collect spices from all over the world...
now he just doesn't have the thyme.
The homeless man and the farmer
A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"
"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"
I was reading my emails...
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?"
"Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
I collect coins and old paper money. For our anniversary, my wife surprised me with a $1,000 bill!
Unfortunately, it was from Fendi, for a pair of shoes.
I have a collection of captured mosquitoes...
I'm not happy one bit.
My collection of dwarf/midget jokes. I'm sorry.
Did you know that there was a dwarf shortage in America?
In other countries, dwarfism is a growing problem.
Dwarves and midgets actually have very little in common.
Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy?
Yesterday I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the prison wall and he looked at me and sneered. I said, "Well that's a little condescending."
How do midgets get girls to date them? They're really good at small talk.
A collection of puns in one text.
[Context: Friend borrowed a great book by Yahtzee Croshaw, "Jam"]
Friend: I'm liking Jam a lot.
Me: Sweet. Glad you got absorbed in it. It's a berry good book. So many sticky situations for the seed of character development.
Friend: *turns off phone*
Donations
Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations
for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."
A Collection of "What do you Call"s
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Ideer!
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
*Still* no Ideer!
. . .
What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhinoceros?
Elephino, but let's get away from that huge thing!
. . .
If you need explaining, ask in the comments! Thanks for reading!
Why did the Otter collect parts for his spaceship?
So he could go to otter space.
What is the collective noun for children?
A migraine.
A man gets circumcised...
After his surgery, he asks the surgeon, "How much should I pay you?"
The surgeon replies, "Oh, you don't need to pay me anything, I do this sort of stuff for free."
The man, confused, then asks, "How do you make a living?"
The surgeon says, "I just collect the tips."
I'm DJ'ing my daughter's 11th bday. As DJ D. A. D. , I need to collect your best dad jokes suitable for the mic!
I'm sure she'll forgive me... eventually.... Hit me!
Office whiteboards!
What are your best office whiteboard jokes?
I have a whiteboard in my office that I share with 4 women ( I'm a man) and I need some good jokes to put up. I'd like to collect enough to last me a year, but I'll settle for a month!
I collect way too much sheet music,
but I assure you, this one is a real score.
What is the collective noun for three dyslexics?
A riot.
Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...
Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.
"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."
"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."
"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"
"Three prison camps so far."
My friend loved to collect tractors but stopped after he had a bad accident in one. These days he helps the fire service by removing all the smoke from burning buildings...
...he is an ex-tractor fan.
I won the Most Unreliable Employee award.
I'll collect it when I can be bothered to go back in.
My collection has been ruined ... happens every Christmas.
I collect them in the basement (the Man Cave, of course). But she routinely trades my Muntjac deer (not easy to find in the US, mind you) and Chinese deer and replaces them with garden-variety reindeer every Christmas. I've asked her and asked her.
I am tired of her common deering my Man Cave.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
How does kurt cobain collect his thoughts?
With a mop.
I walked into the wrong opticians to collect my new glasses.
Should've gone to SpecSavers.
The doorbell rang so the son went to open the door.
- How is it?
- I'm the house owner, I'm here to collect rent.
- Mom! It's the owner. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Indian man were all in the maternity ward of a hospital ready to collect their babies.
When a midwife comes over to them and explains, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but there's been a mix-up with the babies and we no longer know whose is whose."
The Englishman immediately goes over to the brown baby and picks it up.
The midwife asks, "are you sure that's your baby, sir?"
"No" says the Englishman, "but there's no way I'm going home with a french one!"
"Mr. Stalin, what's your hobby?"
Stalin: My hobby?
Interviewer: Yes.
Stalin: Well, I collect political jokes.
Interviewer: How many have you collected?
Stalin: 2 and a half Gulags
The doorbell rings and the son walks to open the door.
- Who is it?
- It's the landlord, I'm here to collect rent.
- Mom! It's the landlord. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a s**... test.
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his s**... with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
My collection of cemetery jokes
Say them as fast as possible whenever passing a cemetery.
How many people are dead in the cemetery?
All of them.
Why is the cemetery so popular?
People are dying to get in it.
Why is the cemetery so loud?
All the coffin.
Take them with you, share them, enjoy them.
What kind of bees collect milk?
Boobies
My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles...
...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.
I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"
He chuckled, "Just hold on to it and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
So much for privacy...
Google: We really value your privacy
Twitter: We'd never collect anything
Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device
Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about
Journalist asks:
-Comrade Stalin, do you have any hobby?
-I collect jokes about me.
-And how many have you collected so far?
-About two and a half gulags.
I can't help but feel that instead of DHL, KFC should have used....
....Cluck and Collect
What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
I always collected my old farts in a jar
and took them with me whenever I had an exam. It's how I passed my classes.
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.
The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."
The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a volume."
The physicist answers: "let P be a spherical, friction-less pig...
What do a Rabbi and a Waitress have in common?
They both collect tips.
What's the collective noun for sneezes?
A choo.
You know collecting knives makes me cool because
they are so edgy.
I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.
The results were exactly what I expected.
Betty was away from home on a business trip, and on a break between meetings decided to call home collect...
...as her husband was outside changing the oil on his car, her 6 year old son Bobby picked up the phone.
Putting his ear to the receiver, he heard a man say: *"We have a Betty on the line, will you except the charges?"*
Terrified, Bobby ran outside screaming:
"DAD!!! THEY'VE GOT MOM!!! AND THEY WANT MONEY!!!"
Why did the p**... kill himself?
He was trying to collect on his life insurance policy.
Richard 'Old Man' Harrison just passed away
Mortician: it's going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.
Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it's just going to sit there and collect dust.
The female Praying mantis devours the male right after mating.
It's easier to collect life insurance than child support.
I collect old cookery books
I have a page from the chef's cookery book from The Hindenberg - a recipe for disaster!
TIL: A Rabbi doesn't get paid for performing circumcisions.
They just collect the tips.
When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs
It's the best place place to pick up chicks.
My collection of metamorphic rocks just shrunk in front of my very eyes...
...I must be losing my marbles.
My friend tried to convince me to get run over by a self-driving car to collect insurance money...
Uber my dead body
I used to collect clocks when I was younger
I had too much time much time on my hands.
Whenever Autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colourful leaves.
It sounds better than saying I'm a street sweeper.
A lawsuit was filed and won against you for 10,000 upvotes
I'm here to collect
What do you call a spaceship, designed to collect space junk?
A vacuum cleaner...
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
What time does the chicken farmer go and collect the eggs?
About half past hen
There's this guy who likes to collect donkey remains.
It's a pretty assinine hobby.
There's this guy with OCD who likes to collect containers.
Unfortunately for him, they're always ajar.
Why do archaeologists collect used tampons?
They like to figure out what period they came from..
Retirement Home
An old lady was found dead on her bed . The nurses found a list of names in her hands. The sweet old lady wrote down all the names of the men she slept with at the retirement home. She slept with everyone except o**.... The nurses then asked the old man why he did not sleep with the old lady and he said" we have a strict working relationship and i only collect the money"
I played dominos last night.
I ordered six pizzas and didn't collect them.
I returned home to see a black man in my living room demanding money
My roommate always likes to collect rent on schedule
An Italian went to church to admit his sins.
When the father opened the confessional's window, man stated talking:
-Father, I have done sin. During ww2 in my neighborhood lived a very beautiful Jewish girl, who asked if I could hide her from the Germans.
Father answered:
-Well, that's bravery and not sin.
The man continued:
-But it wasn't just that. I started to collect "rent" in form of s**.... First once a week, but eded up to every day and twice on Sundays.
Father said:
-That time meny people surely did the same. Thus your sins are forgiven and you are free to go home.
The man still continued:
-Father, I still have one question. Should I tell the woman, that the war is over.
Who collects the souls of people who die while fixing things?
The Grim Repair.
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers
The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.
The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.
The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!
Why don't local government prioritize the concerns of laborers who collect minerals in caves?
They're only miner issues.
I collect binary variables
Someday I'll be a booleanaire
Comrade Putin, is it true that you collect political jokes?
Putin: "Yes"
Me: And how many have you collected so far?
Putin:
Three and a half prisons
What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
