Collapses Jokes
80 collapses jokes and hilarious collapses puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about collapses that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Collapses Short Jokes
Short collapses jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The collapses humour may include short expand jokes also.
- I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed. - A man collapses in a busy street. Someome from the crowd shouts "Somebody call him an ambulance!"
Suddenly, another voice calls out "You're an ambulance!" - My boss just called me to tell me I'm responsible for the collapse of another bank. I said What? How can that be possible. I don't even work in finance. I'm a builder
- Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'mafia' concrete..... ....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.
- What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common? Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.
- A fish walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" the bartender asks. "Gin? Whiskey?
"Water," the fish says, and collapses
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^this ^is ^what ^you ^get ^when ^jokes ^are ^OC - If ever society collapses and we resort to cannibalism... Vegans meat will be the most expensive because they're grass fed.
- When it comes to women, I'm usually denser than a collapsed star. Sometimes I even achieve singularity.
- Following his collapse on set of Better Call Saul, doctors recommend a double-bypass surgery for Bob Odenkirk Oh, good news. The deal went through. It's a triple-bypass now.
- The death count nears 50 after scaffolding collapses and crushes fans at a rock music festival... Eye-witnesses say there was a lot of heavy metal.
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Collapses One Liners
Which collapses one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with collapses? I can suggest the ones about vanishes and exploded.
- How do you make a house of cards collapse? Just give it time and Spacey
- 3 reddit mods walk in a bar. The bar collapses
- What did the engineer say to the bridge after it had collapsed? I trussed you.
- The French baker's pastry shop collapsed on him He was in a lot of pain.
- My cheap laminated countertop just collapsed I suppose I always took it for granite.
- What Saudi funded event ended in a massive collapse on 9/11? Hillary Clinton's campaign.
- Why was no one able to go to the dock anymore It collapsed because of Pier pressure
- My house collapsed, but fortunately no casualties We were all in the living room
- Why are the banks collapsing? Because they don't know how to account for their problems.
- Californians hate walls so much... They cried until the Oroville dam collapsed.
- I once heard a joke about a collapsing bridge still can't get over it
- What do you call it when a sewer collapses on itself? Sewercide
- How did the sea-wall collapse? It cracked under pier pressure.
... - It was a rough day when the shelf collapsed at the gun shop.. The stocks plummeted..
- I just witnessed record breaking sprinter collapse out of breath... He was inspiring
Comedy Collapses Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about collapses you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pulls jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make collapses pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fat g**... a table
I went to bar , and there was a fat girl dancing on the tables
" nice legs" I said
" you think so?" She replied
" Sure,most tables would have collapsed by now!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".
A zookeeper walks into a pub with an elephant
and orders two beers. After a few hours and a few more drinks, the elephant collapses drunk on the floor. As the zookeeper stumbles for the door, the bartender calls after him, "Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' here!" The zookeeper slurs, "That's not a lion; it's an elephant."
How to be insulting
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Billy started playing o**... when he was 5
Little Billy started playing o**... when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day came. He went to the audition room and started to play, but no sound would come out. The o**... was broken. The judge immediately arranged for another o**.... As Billy began to play, the o**... also creaked and then ceased to make a sound. The judge arranged for yet another o**... for Billy, but that one broke down as well. The judge suddenly collapsed to the ground.
At the hospital, the doctors pronounced the judge dead and performed an autopsy.
"The cause of death appears to be multiple o**... failure."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are in the woods...
Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn't seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." After a second of silence on the hunter's end, the operator heard a gunshot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, ""OK, now what?"
A joke most likely to get me banned by Ellen Pao
So, a man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
The flattered woman replies, "You really think so?"
The guy says, "Oh of course! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
A man walks into a bar and sees a plus sized stripper dancing on a table..
He tells her, "Nice legs!"
"Wow, you really think so?"
"Definitely," he replies, "most tables would have collapsed for sure."
There are two hunters
Suddenly one of them collapses. He appears not to be breathing and his eyes glaze over. The other hunter panics and 911. The hunter says "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator says "Calm down. First, make sure he's dead." A gunshot is heard on the other line. The hunter says, "Okay now what.?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...
When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"
Caller: Hello, 911, my friend collapsed, we need an ambulance. 911: What is your location?
Caller: Peotone St. at Charlevoix
911: Can you spell that?
Caller: Look, I'll drag him to 3rd and Oak - send the ambulance there.
The Worst Natural Disaster
So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.
* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a deep impact.
But in the end, Avalanche won by a landslide.
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
Two guys got lost in the Egyptian desert
Both christians, one named John and the other named Thomas. They were starving and about to collapse when they spotted a Mosque, They rushed there for help. The Imam came out and asked for their names, John came up with 'Abdullah' in a panic and Thomas just said his name. The Imam hastily told the patrons to give Thomas food and water. While John had to wait and finish his fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During the collapse of the Soviet Union...
... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is.
**Survey man**: Where were you born?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
**Survey man**: Where do you live now?
**Woman**: Leningrad
**Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
A woman collapsed on the street
Her husband, luckily, was able to catch her in time.
"Is anyone here a doctor!?" The husband shouted with sheer panic in his tone.
A man barreled through the onlooking crowd, knocking a few of them over to join the husband and wife.
"I'm a vegan!" The man said.
In a shelter for abused women.
My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 months I feel much better. The thing I like the most about this place is that there is no punchline.
Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a bar last night
and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said "Wow, great legs."
She giggled and said "Really?"
I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An entire industry has just collapsed
v**... coconut oil is no more a thing.
Two men are walking in the woods...
...all of a sudden, one of them collapses. The other man dials 911 and says, "Help! I think my friend is dead!" The operator responds, "Sir, calm down. First of all, we need to make sure he is dead." There is a minute of silence and a loud thud before the man responds, "Okay, now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table...
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad passes away at 91.
Wonder if he collapsed unexpectedly at home?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a brief silence when a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon is heard.
Back on the phone, the boy says, "OK, now what?
"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"
said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.
"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."
"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."
Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"
Mozart runs into a bar...
He's scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.
The bartender asks, What's wrong?!? What happened?!?
Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a wolf gang and now imma dazed!
(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )
An engineer, an architect and a mathematician are trapped in a cave with nothing but a can of food each and they want to get the cans open so that they can eat.
The engineer finds a rock and taps it against the weak spot of the can. The architect throws the can against the wall in a way that doesn't collapse the cave. The mathematician then announces loudly to the other two, Let my can be open, how do we close it?
Financial collapse in Japan
Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.
There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal.
Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived.
500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tried to tranlate a joke
After bridge collapsed man decided to cross the river. While he cross something grabbed his b**... and voice came out from underneath plus two or minus two? Man had no idea what was going on and said plus two . After he passed he realized he has four b**... now. When he was coming back he thought if that b**... asks me again I will say minus two , and started crossing. That thing grabbed his b**... again and voice came out plus four or minus four? .
Hunting gone wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?
Hunting Gone Horribly Wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?
Nice legs..
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?
He replied: 3,700
You are really mad, the doctor said.
The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.
You are not far from death, the doctor said.
The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.
BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?
The doctor asked.
He replied, "I divided 3,700 by Wednesday. "
The doctor collapsed.
A blonde hears on the news that a bridge collapsed and killed a Brazilian.
She gasped, "That's a lot of people!"
Two hunters are out in the woods
...when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?
TIL that the leaning tower of pisa collapsed after 848 years.
After an official investigation it was discovered not enough tourists have been holding it up since the start of the pandemic.
I recently got fired as an architect
An earthquake came and the building collapsed because it wasn't stabilized and I said it wasn't my fault
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters joke
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guys says "OK, now what?"
I'm at JFK and the man in front of me has collapsed on the luggage carousel.
He's coming round slowly….
A Camel and I walk into a bar.
Camel: Can I get a straw?
Bartender: Sure. Here you go..
Me: Can I get a straw?
Bartender: Sorry, that was the last straw.
*Camel collapses*
Two old jews are talking in Odessa.
-What's the news?
-Have you not heard? There is a war!
-who is fighting?
-Russia says it is at war with NATO.
-How's is it going?
-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.
-and NATO?
-NATO hasn't shown up yet.
Cr
Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help.
"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped!" says the Minister.
"No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".
Did you hear about the time Jim Morrison and 2 of his band-mates collapsed on stage?
Then they sounded just like 3 Doors Down.
