Cold Weather Jokes
49 cold weather jokes and hilarious cold weather puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cold weather that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Cold Weather Short Jokes
Short cold weather jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cold weather humour may include short winter cold jokes also.
- An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help. - Did you hear about the boy who turned up to school with only 1 glove? He said the weather man said it's going to be cold, but on the other hand it might be warm.
- I was planning on taking my little girls to the start of summer village fair today, but its raining, windy and cold so we decided not to go. May weather won.
- Ever hear about the Roman general who had a fit every time there was cold weather? Hail.. seizure
- As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold... I nodded knowingly. It's the early signs of typothermia.
- Whis is R. Kelly excited by all this cold weather? He kept hearing it was gonna be in the teens
- I don't get why everyone makes such a big deal about the cold weather. I'm out in it right now and I can't feel a thing!
- In Australia, there are only three types of weather: Too hot, too cold, too wet or a combination.
^(alternate: Total Fire Ban, Totally Flooded and Totally not gonna look outside; mate.) - It's supposed to be bad weather tomorrow for my workmate's wedding I hope she doesn't get cold feet
- Weather girl: …. and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.
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Cold Weather One Liners
Which cold weather one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cold weather? I can suggest the ones about cold outside and bad weather.
- Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.
- What do you call the Holy Father in cold weather? A popesicle.
- #NotMyGroundhog Cold weather triggers me
- What do you call someone who hates cold weather? A southerner
- What does an octopus wear on a cold day?
A coat of arms. - I like my women like I like my weather. Cold and dry.
- I like my women like I like my weather Cold and uninviting
- Why didn't Neil Armstrong catch cold while he was on the moon? He was over the weather
- Which animal is the best to be in cold weather? A little otter
Hilarious Cold Weather Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about cold weather you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean warm weather jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cold weather pranks.
Person 1: Global Warming doesn't exist.
Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.
Person 2: That's bullhsh*t! everyone knows Chuck Norris doesn't get cold!
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone.
One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?"
The man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain.
One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"
Some marriage jokes (closer to facts)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
How national weather service predicts weather.
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
Winter weather emergency
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
My favorite kids joke
One Sunday afternoon Rain Drop, the oldest child, grows curious and asks her mother:
"mother, why did you name me Rain Drop?"
"February 22, it was a winter night when I had you, me and your father took you out of the hospital as soon as you were born. It was raining outside and the first thing that touched your forehead was a clear cold rain drop, so we names you after that."
Rain Drop excited tells his brother and sister. Her sister, Snow Flake, asks her father:
"Father, why did you name me Snow Flake?"
"It was December 21, and you were just born that morning. Your mother and I took you outside from the warm hospital to the cold winter weather. As we let you see the sky a tender snow flake falls and vanishes in your pink lips. And that's why we named you Snow Flake"
Then bowling ball asks the mom
"Wysfodletlkqsquipeso!?"
So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....
The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm".
I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.
Bad weather
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn't matter what kind of weather it was. He was hooked
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my s**... husband went golfing."
Lottery
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
Cold weather makes my hands go numb.
After the temperatures get extremely low, they're just numbers.
"Baby Its Cold Outside" is a great example of today's s**... harassment problems.
A guy can't even talk about the weather without women assuming it's something s**....
A liquor salesman, a food salesman and a mattress salesman were sitting in hotel lobby chatting
The liquor salesman spoke first,"Y'know, I hate to see a woman drink alone."
The food salesman countered with,"I hate to see a woman eat alone."
The mattress salesman said,"Say, what do you fellows think of the cold weather we've been having?"
In those cold weather it's important to remember
Your car battery is both alive and dead until you try cranking it
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things!
I just won the Lottery!'
Martha shouts back, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'
The man replies, 'I don't care, just as long as you're out of the house by noon!'
A couple move to Nevada and the husband hits it big at the casino
He rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
"Pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"
The wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The husband responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon."
I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...
"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."
Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today...
In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:
\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?
\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.
\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!
\- Ah, this must be outside.
I'm really worried about my wife and this weather
Ever since it started snowing, she's seemed really depressed. We've had strong, cold winds blowing lately, and freezing rain forming layers of ice over the snow. All she does is stand frozen at the window, staring, and I think she might be depressed.
If this keeps up I might need to let her inside.
A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, "Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"
A man wins the lottery
He bursts into his bedroom and screams to his wife WOW, I won! I finally won the lottery! Pack your bags quick . The woman all excited replied should I pack for cold or hot weather? To which the man said I don't care as long as you are out of my house by noon
It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.
The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:
Please, don't just stand there!
Go home!
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Disclaimer:
I really appreciate my mother in law. This is a joke (which I like to tell her once in a while). In-laws deserve to be treated with respect, just like real human beings.
Iceberg
A couple icebergs in Antarctica are best friends. They grew up together and have known each other since they were ice cubes.
One iceberg decides he's tired of all the cold weather, he tells his best friend he's going on a warm vacation for a couple weeks. A couple weeks pass by and he returns to Antarctica. His best friend immediately takes notice of the amount of weight his friend lost while on vacation.
He says "you look amazing my friend, you really slimmed down! Was vacation everything you thawed it would be?"
A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18
The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.
