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Cold Outside Jokes

123 cold outside jokes and hilarious cold outside puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cold outside that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Cold Outside Short Jokes

Short cold outside jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cold outside humour may include short so cold outside jokes also.

  1. I like my women like I like my microwave... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.
  2. I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold. He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.
    He said he was outside before it was cool.
  3. I didn't realize how cold it was outside today... ... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets
  4. Why did the winter solstice prefer to stay inside? It was too cold for him to "bear" outside!
  5. I hate when women say they're lonely when I'm here... It's like saying you're hungry when there's a pile of cold spaghetti on the floor outside.
  6. It's cold outside. Give a man a jacket and he will stay warm for a day.
    Teach a man to jacket and he will never leave his house.
  7. My wife asked me to get out of the house because I can't stop singing Christmas songs. I said, But Baby, it's cold outside.
  8. So do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit? "So do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit?"
    "I use Melvin."
    "You mean Kelvin?"
    "Nah mate. Melvin. YO MELVIN! IS IT COLD OUTSIDE!?"
  9. My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs.. ..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'
  10. I'm not saying it's cold outside, but… I had to take a chisel along when I walked the dog to free him from a fire hydrant.

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Cold Outside One Liners

Which cold outside one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cold outside? I can suggest the ones about winter cold and cold weather.

  1. It's so cold outside I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.
  2. It's so cold outside.... You could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
  3. Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Lettuce.
    Lettuce who?
    Lettuce in. It's cold outside.
  4. It's so cold outside... even the ATM shows minus.
  5. It was so cold outside... I saw a gangster pulling up their trousers
  6. It's cold outside It's cold outside...
    Come inside, sit in the corner
    It's 90°
  7. Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Lettuce.
    Lettuce who?
    Lettuce in. It's cold outside.
  8. You know it's cold outside When you go outside and it's cold.
  9. Winter in the South.. I had to turn the AC down to 67 to fool myself it's cold outside
  10. Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Lettuce.
    Lettuce who?
    Lettuce in. It's cold outside.
  11. Jenny Mccarthy better be careful outside in the cold in NYC. She might catch polio.
  12. But Baby it's cold outside Stop nagging me by sitting inside
  13. My "it's cold outside" post just went viral on Facebook.
  14. It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
  15. "It's cold outside daddy" "Don't worry son I'll put it back in"

Its So Cold Outside Jokes

Here is a list of funny its so cold outside jokes and even better its so cold outside puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I like my women like I like my microwave. Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.
  • Its so cold outside I saw chickens lined up outside of KFC waiting for their turn in the deep fryer
  • You know it's cold outside... When you see a politician with their hands in their own pockets.
  • My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska. Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.
  • -40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.
  • It's been so cold outside... It's been so cold outside I finally saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!
  • Why do men prefer dogs to women? If you get angry with a dog, and lock it outside in the cold for half an hour while you calm down, the dog will be pleased to see you when you let it back in.
  • Two necrophiliacs talk during a hot summer day. *Sweating*, it's way too hot outside!
    Let's go in and crack open a cold one.
  • Two Ninjas What do you call two ninjas named Charlie, stranded outside on a cold night?
    Numchucks.
  • How do you know when it's cold outside? When you go outside and see a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

It So Cold Outside Jokes

Here is a list of funny it so cold outside jokes and even better it so cold outside puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My girlfriend asked me to get her off. I told her it was a little cold outside to be needing bug spray.
  • The temperature is so cold outside... that if you make your girlfriend wet, you also make her hard.
  • Sometimes it gets so hot outside that I like to rub a cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon across myself to cool down... I call it a Pabst Smear.
  • In Australia, there are only three types of weather: Too hot, too cold, too wet or a combination.
    ^(alternate: Total Fire Ban, Totally Flooded and Totally not gonna look outside; mate.)
  • A young woman reportedly froze to death. Her boyfriend had repeatedly warned her it was cold outside.
  • "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.
  • Hey son, it's hot outside! Why don't we play catch? Don't worry, you won't catch a cold.
  • They're taking Baby It's Cold Outside off off of the radio for being offensive? But I can't help to think about all those poor children that lost their grandmothers in tragic reindeer accidents.
  • It's cold in Canada It's freezing outside but my will to live is melting away
    (Don't worry I'm not actually depressed)
  • My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito Smoking hot on the outside
    Ice cold on the inside

So Cold Outside Jokes

Here is a list of funny so cold outside jokes and even better so cold outside puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I dont think Jesus preformed a miracle by walking on water. I just think it happened to be really cold outside.
  • You know it's cold outside when... You buy a foot long at Subway and by the time you get it to you car it's a six inch
  • Wife: Honey, listen. Your not Spider-man. I'M SO SORRY IT'S SO COLD OUTSIDE THIS DUVET
  • What do you get when you're outside too long on a cold night? (OC) Arcdick
  • My secret to sleeping is I put my bed outside When I go to bed I'm always out cold
  • I wanted to think outside the box... But I didn't want to be cold
  • Happy new year!! Brrrrrr it's cold outside... It has to be the coldest day of the year!!!
  • It's so cold outside... ...the local f**... just described himself to me
  • It's so cold outside... I brushed against a car in the parking lot and accidently keyed it with my n**....
  • Its so cold outside today I was mugged by a guy using a water p**....

Fun-Filled Cold Outside Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What funny jokes about cold outside you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean its so cold outside jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cold outside pranks.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That d**... Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

In hard times, a young woman becomes a p**......

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.
One cold evening, the brothel that the p**... works in is raided by police. All s**... workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.
As luck would have it, nan was in this bad area in town saw her granddaughter in the queue. She asked "Why are you standing in line here dear, are you not cold?". Trying to think of a good alibi, the grand daughter told her that the policeman were handing out free oranges.
Excited by the prospects of free oranges, the old lady said "Why how awfully nice of them, I might get some myself" and went to the back of the line.
A policeman, going down the line for more information looks very suprised when he comes to the four foot eight female yoda. "Wow, how do you keep at it at your age?".
"Well darling, I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back, and s**... them dry".

Etiquette for beginners

[adapted from a scene in the film Carry on Cruising]
A steward on a cruise ship is hesitating outside a door to a cabin with a p**... of coffee on a tray. The chief purser doing his rounds sees him and asks him what he's doing.
"Well sir, it's like this", the steward begins, "I'm completely new to this job and I'm a little worried as to what to do if I find passengers in a *delicate* state in their cabin, you see?"
The purser smiles and puts his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Ah", he says, "you just need to learn how to deal with such situations with a bit of dignity and blindness. I once knew a steward who walked in on a beautiful young woman completely n**... in the shower. Well, he just put the tray down on the side, said 'Excuse me, sir' and left without missing a beat. Do you see?"
The steward thinks for a moment and smiles "Yes, yes! That's very good that! I'll remember that!"
"Well, what are you waiting for then?" says the purser pointing out the still closed cabin door. "Get on with it, before that coffee gets cold"
The steward takes a deep breath, puffs out his chest, knocks and opens the door. Inside, he finds a newly wed couple on their honeymoon, in bed and very passionately engrossed in each other, and they clearly haven't noticed his arrival.
He hesitates before remembering what the purser told him, and decides to interrupt: "Hello there, which of you two fellahs takes sugar then?"

Latvian joke. Are three.

Latvian go fish. Catch fish. Is excite for food! Boat tip over. Lose fish. Also catch sickness. Die. Leave family only half potato.
Latvian very hungry. Go to neighbor, beg for food. Neighbor very nice, give half potato wrapped in paper. Latvian go home. Too late. Family all starve. Also, not potato wrapped in paper. Is rock. Also very cold outside.
Latvian meet magician on road. Magician offer to do trick. Latvian ask Magician to send him to America, where there many potato. Magician make p**...! and send Latvian away. Latvian open his eyes. Is in Siberia. Also, boots not very warm.

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:
Windows frozen, it won't open
Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside
Five minutes later, wife texts back.
Computer's really s**... up now...

A penguin is on a road trip and his car breaks down

He pulls off to the nearest mechanic to get it looked at, and the mechanic tells him it's gonna be about an hour before he knows anything. So the penguin decides to walk a couple blocks to a shopping center.
It's really hot in this place and the penguin's not used to that at all, so he starts looking for ways to cool off. He sees a Baskin Robbins and decides to go in and get himself an ice cream cone. He goes outside and sits down to enjoy it, and it's delicious. The heat starts to melt it and he gets ice cream all over himself, but he doesn't care because it's cold and reminds him of home. He's happy as can be, just l**... away and making a total mess of himself, until the cone is gone and he realizes it's almost time to get his car back.
So he goes back to the mechanic, the guy has just finished up and the penguin asks, "Well, what was the problem?" The mechanic replies "It looks like you just blew a seal."
The penguin is shocked and cries, "No it's just ice cream, I swear!"

It was a heavy winter during Stalin...

It was a heavy winter during Stalin's reign over the Soviet Russia. A married woman went to the city prison to visit her arrested husband and found out that he had been convicted and transferred to a Siberian Gulag and died during the trip.
"How did he die?" she asked.
"Pneumonia" came the answer.
"How? When? Where?"
"It was during the transit. He attempted to escape, jumped out the train and ran away. We weren't able to catch him alive."
"So, how did he die and how do you know he had pneumonia?"
"Well... He was running and got heated, outside was freezing, the bullet was cold..."

My favorite kids joke

One Sunday afternoon Rain Drop, the oldest child, grows curious and asks her mother:
"mother, why did you name me Rain Drop?"
"February 22, it was a winter night when I had you, me and your father took you out of the hospital as soon as you were born. It was raining outside and the first thing that touched your forehead was a clear cold rain drop, so we names you after that."
Rain Drop excited tells his brother and sister. Her sister, Snow Flake, asks her father:
"Father, why did you name me Snow Flake?"
"It was December 21, and you were just born that morning. Your mother and I took you outside from the warm hospital to the cold winter weather. As we let you see the sky a tender snow flake falls and vanishes in your pink lips. And that's why we named you Snow Flake"

Then bowling ball asks the mom
"Wysfodletlkqsquipeso!?"

I told my wife I need to sign up for concealed carry classes...

She asked me, "Why do you need to sign up for concealed carry classes?"
I told her, "It's getting cold outside, every time I put on a long sleeve shirt I am carrying two concealed guns."
She look at me and said, "Honey, marshmallow canons aren't real guns, you'll be fine."
:(

It's so freaking COLD outside

I just keyed someones car with my n**... by accident!

It's so cold outside that...

h**... are charging $20 just to blow on your hands!

Smart Boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.
The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store,
but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.
So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of butter .
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..!
So the boy added immediately, And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!! .
After the customer left, the manager said You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?
To this the boy said, I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!
The manager replied coldly, My wife is also from Brazil .
To this the boy asked excitedly, Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?

Two guys outside in a cold night.

There's two guys outside on a cold night peeing near each other. o**... says, "yup, pretty chilly". The other guy says, "thanks".

"Baby Its Cold Outside" is a great example of today's s**... harassment problems.

A guy can't even talk about the weather without women assuming it's something s**....

My Dad and I walk outside in sub-zero temperatures, and he's wearing a t-shirt.

Me: "Dad, it's really cold, don't you want to wear a coat?"
Dad: "I'm just exercising my second-ammendment rights."
Me: "........."
Dad: "My right to bare arms."

What did the r**... say to the judge?

"It was cold outside."

"Baby its cold outside" was playing in my grocery store.

And no one tried to r**... anyone.

Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today...

In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:
\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?
\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.
\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!
\- Ah, this must be outside.

An American is calling his Russian friend in the middle of winter.

"Dude I don't get it how you can stand such cold."
"It's not that bad. And we're used to it."
"Still. I saw on TV it's like -70° where you live? Crazy!"
"What? Nyet. It's maybe -30°. Not bad at all."
"Even that would be way too cold for me!"
"Haha you get used to it. I'm telling you, it's like -30° and that isn't too bad. Your TV lies to you."
"I guess. But they were showing your city, with all the cars under the snow, people in heavy coats, even thermometers showing -70°..."
"Oh! You mean on the outside..."

The breakdown of what to do in all seasons

Summer:too hot to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Winter:too cold to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Autumn:too much pollen outside so you stay in playing video games

It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.

The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:
Please, don't just stand there!
Go home!
————————————
Disclaimer:
I really appreciate my mother in law. This is a joke (which I like to tell her once in a while). In-laws deserve to be treated with respect, just like real human beings.

Twenty years from now, kids listening to "Baby it's cold outside" are gonna find it really, really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood in the context of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty

Grandfather replied: there as clean as cold water can get 'em

Next day:

Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?
Grandpa: cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
Alright, whatever you say
Day after:
Grandpa and grandkid are finishing dinner
Kid: grandpa I think I see a dog outside! Can we bring him in?
Grandpa: sure!
Grandpa opens the door
C'MERE COLD WATER!
(This joke was from my grandmother years ago)

A guy and a girl get a flat tire one cold winter's night.

The guy goes out to change the tire, but he has no gloves, and after a while, his hands start to get blue, so he comes back into the car.
Put your hands between my thighs and that'll warm them up, invites the girl. He does, and pretty soon his hands recover, and he goes back outside. After a while longer, his hands get cold again, and once again, she suggests that he warm them between her thighs. He does so and returns to finish putting on the spare. When he comes back into the car triumphant, she looks at him and asks, Aren't your ears cold?

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?
Scientist two: it's -40°
Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Scientist two: Yes.

jokes about cold outside