Cold Open Jokes
113 cold open jokes and hilarious cold open puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cold open that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Cold Open Short Jokes
Short cold open jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cold open humour may include short cold outside jokes also.
- What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
- What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .
- Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift? He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.
- Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'
- My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work. And that's how I learned he was a necrophiliac.
- What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic? They both like to crack open a cold one
- My wife left me a note on the fridge saying this isn't working I opened it up and the light turned on and the beer was cold. No idea what she's talking about.
- What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? Every night they pop open a cold one.
- Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night? He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!
- What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both enjoy cracking open a cold one.
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Cold Open One Liners
Which cold open one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cold open? I can suggest the ones about cold cut and cold.
- Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer... there's nothing like popping open a cold one!
- You call it necrophilia.... But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.
- What is a vampire's favourite thing to do? Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
- How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar? Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.
- I like hunting with my vampire friends. It's nice to crack open a boy with the cold ones.
- Necrophilia The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
- What do you call a necropheliac party *cracking open a cold one with the boys*
- I went to a party at a morgue the other day We cracked open a few cold ones
- What do you call the urge to crack open a cold one? Necrophilia.
- I feel so cold using the computer. Because I opened too many windows.
- My computer keeps alerting me it's too cold It says I have too many windows open
- Necrophilia A whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one'
- Necrophilia... There's nothing like cracking open a cold one.
- Necrophillia The insatiable urge to crack open a cold one
- What does a necrophiliac do after a long days work Goes home and cracks open a cold one
Cold Open Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about cold open you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cold front jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cold open pranks.
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child.
A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:
"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills.
She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"h**...," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
So a blind man walks into a bar...
So a blind man walks into a bar in Texas. He feels his way up to the counter and pulls himself into the chair and exclaims, "WOW! these barstools are huge!". The bartender then replies, "yep, everything is bigger in Texas."
The blind man then orders a beer, so the bartender brings him over a mug of some ice cold beer. The blind mind exclaims, "WOW! this mug is huge!". The bartender then replies, "yep, everything is bigger in Texas."
After a few drinks the blind man asks to use the toilet. The bartender tells him its to his right and its the second door on the left. So the blind man feels his his way over to the first door, but he trips and stumbles past the second door. He then opens the next door he comes to and ends up falling into the bartender's personal pool screaming, 'DON'T FLUSH! DON'T FLUSH!"
Some marriage jokes (closer to facts)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
A Nagging Wife
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over n**..., drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
Latvian joke. Are three.
Latvian go fish. Catch fish. Is excite for food! Boat tip over. Lose fish. Also catch sickness. Die. Leave family only half potato.
Latvian very hungry. Go to neighbor, beg for food. Neighbor very nice, give half potato wrapped in paper. Latvian go home. Too late. Family all starve. Also, not potato wrapped in paper. Is rock. Also very cold outside.
Latvian meet magician on road. Magician offer to do trick. Latvian ask Magician to send him to America, where there many potato. Magician make p**...! and send Latvian away. Latvian open his eyes. Is in Siberia. Also, boots not very warm.
Vacation
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the f**... of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.
3 Construction Workers
Alanzo, Carlos and John are three construction workers are sitting on a high up beam of their nearly finished skyscrapers. Opening his lunchbox and seeing pasta, Alanzo curses, "I swear if my wife makes me pasta again, I will throw myself off this building." Carlos opens his lunchbox to see burritos, "I'm with you, I'm tired cold burritos everyday. If I see burritos again, I will jump." John opens his lunchbox, "I got bologna and cheese sandwich again. I will jump if I get this again.
The next day, Alanzo, Carlos and John are sitting together, ready to open their lunches. Taking a deep breath, Alanzo opens his lunchbox and sees pasta.With a sigh, he stands up and throws himself off the skyscraper to his death. Carlos opens his lunch box to see a burrito. Wiping away a tear, he stands and throws himself to his death. John opens his lunchbox and finds bologna and cheese sandwich. He stands and throws himself off the beam.
At the f**..., Alanzo's wife cries, "If I knew he was tired of my pasta, I would have never made it for him and he would never had jumped." Next to her, Carlos's wife is crying, "If I knew my Carlos didn't like my burritos, I would never had made them and he would never had jumped." Both women look at John's wife, "Well, don't look at me. He made his own lunch."
A knock at the door
Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves.
He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him *twice*, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything.
On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done.
Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty n**... bug going around."
Play around
So corporate exec Joe is flying across the Pacific, when his plane crashes. Joe survives, but finds himself stranded on a desert island, with nothing to eat but coconuts, and whatever seafood he can catch. 10 years go by, with poor Joe having no human contact. One day, as Joe is fishing for his dinner, a beautiful blonde woman comes wading out of the surf, wearing a full body wet suit. She approaches Joe and introduces herself "Hi, I'm Julie", Joe is so excited, all he can say "I'm Joe, and I've been stranded here alone for 10 years". "Wow" reply's Julie "10 years stranded here, I bet you'd like a cigarette" . "Would I ever" says Joe, and with that the young lady unzips a pocket on her sleeve, pulls out a pack of Marlboro reds, lights 2 and passes one to Joe. "Wow 10 years alone on this island" Julie repeats, "I bet you'd like a beer". "Would I ever" replies Joe, and with that the lady unzips a pocket on her leg, pulls out 2 cold Budweiser's, opens them and hands one to Joe. The young lady starts to seductively unzip the front of her wet suit, and says "Wow 10 years alone on this island, I bet you'd like to play around wouldn't you". "Would I ever" says Joe excitedly, "You got golf clubs in there?"
she can't open windows.
On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:
Windows frozen, it won't open
Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside
Five minutes later, wife texts back.
Computer's really s**... up now...
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."
All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row..." he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground.
"I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the..." but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed."
Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
I moved into an advent calendar today...
Its very cold, all the windows are open.
3 guys get stranded in the desert after the car runs out of gas...
With no one and nothing in sight, the three men decided to each get one thing to carry and start walking to the next town over.
The first guy gets a jug of water and the other 2 guys ask what it is for... "Incase we get thirsty he says"
The second guy opens the trunk and gets out a blanket and the other 2 guys ask what it is for... "Incase we get cold at night"
The third guy unhinges the car door and the other 2 guys ask what it is for... "Incase we get hot, we can just roll down the window"
-This is an old joke I remember from elemetary, had to fill in a few.
Thought I'd just relax, crack open a couple of cold ones and really get to know some of the locals.
I love cemeteries...
Six weeks ago, my brother was deployed by Afghanistan...
And today he called home.
He asked me how things were back here, and so I took a deep breath and told him the truth.
"Your cat died."
My brother was aghast, especially at how coldly I said it.
"Joe, that's not how you break bad news." Miles away, I could hear the frustration in his voice. He sighed and explained:
"You should've started with something innocent and then gone from there. Don't open with the worst news. Say something like 'Well, the cat got on the roof... we tried to get her... then she slipped and we couldn't save her'. Understand?"
I told him I understood and thanked him for the advice.
"Alright," he said, "How's mom doing?"
"Well, she got on the roof..."
I never really understood all the rage about necrophilia
Until I finally decided to sit down and crack open a cold one!
I came home from work and there was a note from my wife on the fridge.
It said, "It's not working. I can't take this. I'm going to my mother's."
I opened the door. The light came on and the beer was cold. I don't know what in the world she was talking about.
Necrophilia Beer:
"Sit back and crack open a cold one."
Why are aussie bogans and necrophiliacs the same?
They both want to crack open a cold one.
What is the philosophy of a necrophiliac?
Sit back, relax and crack open a cold one
Do you think the Tauntaun from The Empire Strikes Back got cold after Han sliced it open?
Or do you think it kept lukewarm?
On a frosty winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
wife writings back 5 minutes after the fact:
"PC is truly spoiled at this point.
What do I have in common with a necropheliac?
We both like to crack open a cold one when we get home.
I can't tell if I'm an alcoholic or a necrophiliac...
... I just love to crack open a cold one every once in a while.
What do beers and babies have in common?
At the end of a long, hard day, nothing feels better than k**... back, relaxing, and cracking open a cold one.
As One Necrophiliac To Another...
There's nothing like crackin' open a cold one!
Haha, thank you everybody, she'll be here all night...
"Alright man let's crack open a few cold ones, it's going to be a fun night"
Said one necrophiliac to another as they walked into the morgue
My girlfriend hung a note on the fridge...
...which said: "I can't do it, it's not working anymore."
Door could be opened. Light is fully functional. Beer is cold.
I got no clue what she was talking about
Necrophilia ain't my thing..
..whole new meaning to cracking open a cold one.
What do medical examiners do for fun?
Crack open a couple of cold ones.
What do you get when you cross necrophilia with group s**...?
Popping open a cold one with the boys
What did the lead coroner do when he and the other coroners were asked to perform an autopsy?
He cracked open a cold one with the boys.
When a necrophiliac gets invited to an o**... what does he say to his wife to leave?
"I'm gonna go crack open a cold one with the boy's."
So the Roman's used to s**... their victims on the battlefield, dead included.
So does was this the first case of cracking open a cold one with the boys?
Me: *quietly cracking open a cold beer*
Driving instructor: "what was that?"
What do you call a group of Catholic priests standing in the snow?
Cracking open a boy with the cold ones
What was the vampire doing at the morgue?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
What do you call the process of mentally breaking a cruel Mexican criminal using his only sons?
Cracking open a cold Juan with the boys.
Two necrophiliacs talk during a hot summer day.
*Sweating*, it's way too hot outside!
Let's go in and crack open a cold one.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
What's the best part about being a necrophiliac?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
What's the similarity between an alcoholic and a mortician?
Both can't wait to crack open a cold one.
What did the necrophiliac say after the day shift?
It's time to crack open a cold one...
One cold January morning
On a cold January morning a f**... was being held for a man who passed away. After the service the pal barers are caring the coffin out of the church. As they walk down the steps one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips. The coffin goes sliding down then steps, into the road and down a hill. At the bottom of the hill it crashes through the front window of a local pharmacy and goes crashing through the whole store and slams into the counter in the back. As soon as it hits the coffin opens and the dead guy sits up. The Pharmacist asks How can i help you? The dead guy says Ya you got anything to stop this coffin?
You know what's great about being a medical examiner?
Not having to wait until you go home to crack open a cold one.
A man went to see his doctor
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia".
Two cows are standing in an open field
One cow says to the other cow: "it's cold in here".
The other cow replies: "yeah.. the farmer left the gate open".
What does a necrophiliac mortician do at the end of a long day of work?
He cracks open a cold one
Why is it good to be a dissector?
You can cracking open a cold one with the boys everyday at work.
Cracking open a cold one with the boys sounded like a lot of fun,
until we pulled up to the morgue.
What do a group of necrophiliacs tell their families they're doing when they're going to hang out.
"I'm off to crack open a cold one with the boys."
I mean...not technically lying is it?
Alcoholics and necrophiliacs.
What's the difference between a group of alcoholics and a group of necrophiliacs?
Nothing. They both love to crack a cold one open with the boys
What do you call it when you mix a refrigerated transport truck and the Humboldt Broncos hockey team bus?
Cracking open the boys with a cold one.
What did one necrophiliac say to the other necrophiliac?
You feel like cracking open a cold one?
When, a mother-in-law and a beer at their best?
When th6eyre cold, on a table and opened up.
Teacher: Class, who can tell me what "group necrophilia"means?
Little Johnny: It's a desire to crack open a cold one with the lads.
Worried due to her husband's bad cold and sore t**...,...
...his wife advises him, "Why don't you go across the street? The doctor who lives there might help you."
The husband, due to the pain in his t**..., whispers, "It's 10 in the night. Won't he be irritated?"
The wife replies, "He might be, but he might also help. Go on and ask him."
The husband reluctantly goes to the doctor's house and rings the doorbell. When the doctor's wife opens the door, he whispers, "Is the doctor in?"
The wife smiles and whispers back, "No, he isn't. Come on in."
Even the Eldritch elder gods need to relax once in a while..
..so they crack open a boy with the cold ones.
It was so cold last night that I had to cut open my tauntaun to sleep.
Unfortunately that only got me luke warm.
My friends say that my sudden urges to crack open a cold one is becoming a problem.
I just don't see the issue with necrophilia.
Went to the local mortuary with some friends to hang out.
Its always nice cracking open a cold one with the boys.