cold Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious cold stories

What are the best cold puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Cold? Well here is a complete list of the top cold jokes:

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside


Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.


Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.


A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"


Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.


Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."


Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 mins later:
"Computer completely fucked now."


My girlfriend left a note on the fridge:

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold... What the hell is she talking about?


she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

Windows frozen, it won't open

Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside

Five minutes later, wife texts back.

Computer's really screwed up now...


Why do men give their jackets to women when its cold?

Because it hurts to get blown by chattering teeth


What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.


She left me a note...

I will never understand my wife, she is so sensitive.
I come home from work last night and she'd left a note on the fridge...

"It's no good Harry, it's just not working. I am going to stay at my mums for a few days."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was stone cold.
What the fuck?


The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: Windows frozen.
Husband: Pour some warm water over them.
Wife: Computer completely screwed up now.


I like my women the way I like my microwave... ...

...cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and kills any baby I put inside her.


I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee..., black, and strong
^(possibly the original)

...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.

...50% alcohol.

...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.

...I don't like coffee.

...imported from micronesia., fresh and in the breakroom.

...huge and cheap with room for cream.

...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian. a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)

...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.


Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold


Not a Latvian joke

Lost job and no money for buy potato.

Also is cold.

Regret immigrate to Detroit.


What happens to the cannibal who is late to the party?

He gets the cold shoulder.


What did the late arriving cannibal receive at the dinner party?

The cold shoulder.


Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late to the luncheon?

They gave him the cold shoulder.


The Skunk

One cold night, this couple was driving down the road, and the girl notices this black ball of fur on the side of the road. She makes him pull over, and she sees that it's a skunk that's about to freeze to death. She asks him, "Can we bring him with us in the truck to warm it up?"

He says, "I guess it's okay. Bring him in."

She goes, "Where can I warm him up?"

"Put him between your legs, that'll warm him up."

"Well, what about the smell?"

"You can hold it's nose, can't you?"


Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.


Husband and Wife 40th Anniversary

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry


A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....

As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".


Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"


Vow of Silence

Chap decides to to join a monastery. As a novice he is only allowed to speak two words to the prior, once every 7 years.

The first seven years go by and he whispers, "Cold floors..."

The next seven years go by and he whispers, "Bad food..."

Seven more years go by and he croaks, "I quit!"

The prior raises his eyebrows and replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you joined."


Did you hear about the eskimo couple?

One cold night, she broke it off!


What does a cannibal get when he comes home late to dinner?

The cold shoulder.


Are limericks okay here?

If so, here goes:

I once knew a hermit named Dave. A dead hooker he kept in a cave. He smiled with glee, as he said to me, "Just think of the money I'll save."


I once knew a hermit named Dave. He dug up a hooker from her grave. She was cold as shit, and missing a tit, but think of the money he'll save.


"Medical" examination

"Take off your clothes and lie down on the table" Said the Doctor. The young lady did as she was told reluctantly.
"I am just going to feel your breasts for lumps". He duly did and she let him.
"Now I am going to put on these gloves and just check your downstairs. I'll warn you, the gel is a bit cold".
The girl spoke up "Excuse me Doctor, but do you do this for everyone who comes on board the Tardis?"


my wife's favorite joketo tell

What do you call a peanut with a cold?


she was so proud of herself for making me laugh with this one.


Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold?

Because he is a bad influenza


A Latvian Haiku

Where is potatoes?

This winter is very cold.

Family is starve.


An Irish travel agent gives advice

So there is this Irish Travel Agent and he always tries to get people to go to and visit Ireland, this old woman asks him where she should go he starts talking about how great Ireland is and the lady says back, well " I don't like cold weather, the constant rain, and all the Catholics there. So the travel agent says back to her " Well ma'am then you should go to hell, its hot, it never rains and there are no catholics...


A little bird was flying in the cold,

he froze and fell to the ground. A cow walked by and shat on the bird. The bird thawed up and started singing joyfully. A nearby cat heard the singing, so he dug up the bird and ate it.

So, the morals of this story:

* Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
* Not everyone who helps you out of shit is your friend.
* And if you're in shit, don't sing.


Gods on vacation

The gods were planning on where to spend their next vacations; Shiva suggested: "what about Neptune?", then Allah said: "It's too cold!"; Zeus then suggested: "Let's go to Mars!", then Buddha replied "Nah, we went there last time!". So someone spoke "What about Earth?", for God to reply: "no way, Earth people like to gossip too much. I went there 2000 years ago, had a thing with a virgin and they're still talking about it!"


Fords new heated tailgates..

Fords working on a new heated tailgate feature, that way when you have to push it in the snow your hands won't be cold.


What did the cannibal get when he arrived late for dinner?

The cold shoulder!


The plumbers lament

My Grandpa told me this one & is by far a favorite:
There once was a man named Harry Dick,
Who was cursed at birth with a corkscrewed prick,
He searched his life in a futile hunt,
To find a girl with a corkscrewed cunt, The day he found he drop stone cold dead,
God damn thing had a left hand thread.


My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey


What do you give a cannibal late for Sunday lunch?

The cold shoulder


Why did the hipster wear a scarf during the summer?

he was cold before it was cool..


How do you define necrophilia?

The urge to crack open a cold one


I like my women like i like my coffee...

...Always there to brighten my morning


...Black and strong




...With sauce

...Twice before I leave the house

...Right before I smoke

...Bitter and cold

...At the end of the day, scraped off the bottom of a pot

...Slow roasted

...Ground up in my freezer

...With boiling water poured over them

...Light and sweet

...A day old


hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?

Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"


What gets colder as it gets hotter?



What's the difference between your momma and a mallard with a cold?

One's a sick duck, and I forget the rest of the joke but your mother's a whore.


Did you hear about the masochist who like cold showers?

He took warm ones instead.


Knock knock. Who's there? Lemmy. Lemmy who?

Lemme the fuck inside asshole it's cold out here.



You've red some of the best cold jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about cold. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty cold gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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