Cold Jokes

160 cold jokes and hilarious cold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Read funny Cold Jokes, from puns and one-liners to jokes about necrophiliacs that'll have you chillin. If you're looking for a laugh in the face of freezing temperatures, you've come to the right place.

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Funniest Cold Short Jokes

Short cold jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cold humour may include short warm jokes also.

  1. Justice is a dish best served cold because... ...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
  2. When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat Is a warm toilet seat
  3. It was so cold in D.C. today... that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
  4. What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
  5. LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  6. I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
  7. 1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow. 1's hands got so cold that they went numb.
    2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.
  8. I like my women like I like my microwave... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.
  9. What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .
  10. It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.

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Cold One Liners

Which cold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cold? I can suggest the ones about cool and iced.

  1. It's so cold outside I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.
  2. The problem with kissing a perfect 10 Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.
  3. Here's a great life hack! When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!
  4. What did the cannibal get when he was late to the dinner party? The cold shoulder.
  5. What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.
  6. Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet.
  7. Necrophilia is like pizza Even when it's cold it's still good.
  8. I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers I had to quit cold turkey
  9. "Waiter, my soup is cold!" "It's gazpacho" "Gazpacho, my soup is cold!"
  10. A canibal shows up late to a dinner He ended up getting the cold shoulder
  11. I was late to the cannibal party So they gave me the cold shoulder
  12. A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon His friends gave him the cold shoulder.
  13. I decided to become vegan today The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.
  14. My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon It never really took off.
  15. Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer... there's nothing like popping open a cold one!

Its So Cold Out Jokes

Here is a list of funny its so cold out jokes and even better its so cold out puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland? Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
  • I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold. He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.
    He said he was outside before it was cool.
  • Its so cold in Washington DC I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
  • The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons... I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.
  • When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle. And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.
  • I didn't realize how cold it was outside today... ... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets
  • Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot, Everyone can catch a cold.
  • What do you call a pig that is cold and growling? A Ham-Brrr-Grrr.
    I made this joke when I was 11. I remember being super proud lol.
  • I like my women like I like the mcdonald's ice cream machine… Sweet, cold and a little broken inside.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a Kayak were getting cold, so they decided to light a fire, unfortunately it sunk the boat. Proving once and for all that you can't have your Kayak and heat it

Cold As Jokes

Here is a list of funny cold as jokes and even better cold as puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, What's that?! He whispered, It's exactly what it sounds like.
  • What do you eat when you're cold and angry? A BRRRR GRRRRR.
  • My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge. I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.
  • You call it necrophilia.... But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.
  • Why do men give their jackets to women when its cold? Because it hurts to get blown by chattering teeth
  • My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
  • What do you call a cold cucumber? A cucumbrrr.
  • What is a vampire's favourite thing to do? Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
  • Why did the Cold War end? Global warming started.
  • The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror
Cold joke, The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that

How Cold Is It Jokes

Here is a list of funny how cold is it jokes and even better how cold is it puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • There are two monkeys in a bath.. One goes 'ooh ooh ah ah!'
    The other says 'put some cold in then!'
  • A boy asks his father: "Dad, why is the food so cold and bland?" The dad replies: Your mum put her heart and soul into it.
  • What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch? He was given the cold shoulder.
  • I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers So I was able to quit cold turkey
  • We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.
  • A Blonde Crashes a helicopter A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan".
  • A blonde crashes a helicopter... A police officer drives by and exclaims, "What happened!?". She says, "It was getting cold so I turned off the fan".
  • I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink. Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.
  • What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner? The cold shoulder
  • The cannibal was late to dinner He was given the cold shoulder

Being Cold Jokes

Here is a list of funny being cold jokes and even better being cold puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My grandfather was a very intelligent man. He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.
  • What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party? He got the cold shoulder.
  • Justice is a dish best served cold If it were served warm it would be justwater.
  • Ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska... Shes been cold and distant.
  • Why do writers always feel cold? Because they are surrounded by drafts!
  • Justice is best served cold Because if it was served hot it would be Justwater
  • An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
    On the other, they don't really help.
  • I started a cold air balloon business. I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.
  • An ambulance is like a Pizza delivery If they're late the delivery ends up cold.
  • Lost job and no money for buy potato.
    Also is cold.
    Regret immigrate to Detroit.
Cold joke, Lost job and no money for buy potato.

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Cold Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about cold you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean heat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cold pranks.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore t**... and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:
Windows frozen, it won't open
Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside
Five minutes later, wife texts back.
Computer's really s**... up now...

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: Windows frozen.
Husband: Pour some warm water over them.
Wife: Computer completely s**... up now.

I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee..., black, and strong
^(possibly the original)
...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.
...50% alcohol.
...all over my g**... while I'm trying to drive.
...I don't like coffee.
...imported from micronesia., fresh and in the breakroom.
...huge and cheap with room for cream.
...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian. a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)
...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.

Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...
-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.
-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!
The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?

What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ?

The snow, d**....

A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...

Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?
Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?
Man: Will you just try the soup.
Waiter: Is it too hot?
Man: Will you just try the soup
Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?
Man: Will you just try the d**... soup son
Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...
Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.
Man: Exactly.

Recent study has revealed that m**... might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?
He says, Put it between your legs.
She says, What about the smell?
He says, Hold its nose.

What do you get when you cross necrophilia with group s**...?

Popping open a cold one with the boys

Daily Mail online: "m**... may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." p**...! He's back in his government office.

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two s**... 17 year old daughters.
He says, Your father sent me up here to have s**... with you.
One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!
The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?
The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

Europe is like a fridge

You have the freezing cold part at the top
Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection
Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease

On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really s**... up now.

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.

Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."
The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."
The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.
But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!"

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says This soup is cold. The parents are amazed and ask If you can talk, why have you not spoken before? The child replies Up to now everything has been satisfactory!

Cold joke, A German couple has a baby...

jokes about cold