Cold Jokes

What are some Cold jokes?

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"


I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...

Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?

Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?

Man: Will you just try the soup.

Waiter: Is it too hot?

Man: Will you just try the soup

Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?

Man: Will you just try the damned soup son

Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...

Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!

Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.

Man: Exactly.

It's so cold outside

I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.

The problem with kissing a perfect 10

Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

It is so cold outside

That I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

Here's a great life hack!

When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!

Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...

-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.

-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!

The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!

I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner?

A cold shoulder.

Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?

Because he got cold feet.

Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

Necrophilia is like pizza

Even when it's cold it's still good.

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

A canibal shows up late to a dinner

He ended up getting the cold shoulder

A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon

His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold.

He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.

He said he was outside before it was cool.

Its so cold in Washington DC

I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer...

there's nothing like popping open a cold one!

I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...

... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets

Which runs faster, hot or cold?

Hot, Everyone can catch a cold.

Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, What's that?!

He whispered, It's exactly what it sounds like.

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

Windows frozen, it won't open


Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside


Five minutes later, wife texts back.


Computer's really screwed up now...

You call it necrophilia....

But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.

Why do men give their jackets to women when its cold?

Because it hurts to get blown by chattering teeth

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that

Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror

A boy asks his father: "Dad, why is the food so cold and bland?" The dad replies:

Your mum put her heart and soul into it.

What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch?

He was given the cold shoulder.

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

A Blonde Crashes a helicopter

A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan".

A blonde crashes a helicopter...

A police officer drives by and exclaims, "What happened!?". She says, "It was getting cold so I turned off the fan".

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

I feel bad for eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers that were in the fridge...

but it's hard to quit cold turkey.

What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner?

The cold shoulder

The cannibal was late to dinner

He was given the cold shoulder

My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?

He says, Put it between your legs.

She says, What about the smell?

He says, Hold its nose.

What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party?

He got the cold shoulder.

What do you get when you cross necrophilia with group sex?

Popping open a cold one with the boys

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

How to make Cold jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Cold to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Cold? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Cold pick up lines to share with friends.

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