cold Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious cold puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

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Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"


I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for one night, why don't pretend we are married?"

The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies:

"Yeah of course!"

And so the woman says:

"Good. Then fucking get it yourself you lazy ass."

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Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

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Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

- What the hell did she mean?

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A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

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It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."



Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:



"Computer is really screwed up now.

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Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they're cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.

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What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

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LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...

...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

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I was in the living room with my dad

I was in the living room with my dad when his feet got cold. He told me, "Get my slippers from upstairs". When I went up, I see two of my sister's friends and said, "My dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"You're lying."

"I'll prove it." I said, and shouted, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"What's the point of fucking one?"

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A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...

Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?

Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?

Man: Will you just try the soup.

Waiter: Is it too hot?

Man: Will you just try the soup

Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?

Man: Will you just try the damned soup son

Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...

Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!

Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.

Man: Exactly.

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."

I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold...
What the hell did she mean?

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs". While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you". "you're lying", OK I will prove it "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".

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It's so cold outside

I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.

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The problem with kissing a perfect 10

Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.

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I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

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It is so cold outside

That I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

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1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

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Here's a great life hack!

When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!

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Two girls die and go to Heaven...

They meet up there, realizing they know each other and are surprised to see the other one dead.

"Wow! What happened to you?" Asks the firs one.

"Hypothermia.. It was soo cold, but after a while I just wanted to sleep and looks like I am never waking up. How about you?"

"Heart attack"

"Whaat! You are in your twenties! What happened? "

"Well, for a while now I've been suspecting that my husband cheats on me. So this one night I told him I was gonna be working late, but I came home early. I was damn sure there was a girl there. I looked everywhere, but to no avail. Under the bed, in the closet, in the bathroom, in the basement. I was so frustrated by the end, that my heart just collapsed."

"Well" said the other one "Had you checked the fridge, we both would've been alive right now"

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What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to pop open a nice cold one.

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Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...

-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.

-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!

The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!

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I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

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An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant

He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn't eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?
Try it and find out. The old man responded.
Is the soup too cold?
Try it.
I-is it too hot?
Just try it.
Not enough vegetables, too much broth, does it smell funny?
What are ya, mishegas? Just try the soup! The old man shouts.
Alright! The waiter gives in. Where's the spoon? He looks over the table.
The old man just smiles.

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Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 mins later:
"Computer completely fucked now."

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The boss comes into work carrying a thermos...

His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

"What's that thing?" she asks.

"Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient."

"Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of those!"

"Yep, I definitely recommend it."

And they go about the rest of the day.

Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary's desk.

"Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!" he says.

"Oh, yes sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold." She's beaming.

He grins back. "Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

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What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner?

A cold shoulder.

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge door...

It said, "this is not working. I'm going to my mothers." I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?

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What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Crack open a cold one with the boys.

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Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?

Because he got cold feet.

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The only problem with kissing a perfect 10...

...is how cold the mirror feels against your lips.

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During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in.

The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. They share all they have with him and even throw a celebration that evening. The spy blends in perfectly, he speaks Russian with no accent, he knows all the songs, dances kazachok with the best of them and drinks all the Russians under the table with vodka.

At the end of the night, one of the villagers slaps him on the back and says with a wink: You know, Igor, we really like you! But we know that you're an American spy!

Igor becomes sad: But… I studied with the best, for years! What did I do wrong, how could you tell after just one day?!

But Igor, says the Russian with a smile, you're black!

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Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

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The Lone Ranger and his faithful American Indian sidekick Tonto are riding the plains.

The Lone Ranger and his faithful native American sidekick Tonto are riding the plains. It's midwinter and bitterly cold so the heroic duo enter a saloon for a warming drink.

The bartender takes one look at Tonto and shouts: "Get him outtahere. We don' serve no Injuns!"

Faithful Tonto agrees to wait outside while the Lone Ranger has a quick drink. To keep warm he decides to run around his horse.

Alas the drink proved too enticing for the Lone Ranger and poor Tonto was soon forgotten.

Eventually after a few hours, a cowboy sauntered in, looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Is that your horse outside?"

"Yes, why?" asked the Lone Ranger.

The cowboy answered, "You've left your Injun runnin'."

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Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

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Dad, I'm cold..

Dad : Go stand in the corner son.

Son: why?

Dad: because its 90 degrees

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Necrophilia is like pizza

Even when it's cold it's still good.

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I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

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Three CEO's from different beer companies are sitting at a bar...

And the one from Bud light says, "Alright barkeep, give me a tall glass of bud light!"

And then the second one, from Miller light says, "ok barkeep, serve me a nice bottle of cold miller light!"

And then the CEO of Guinness says, well, "I suppose I'll have a glass of Coca-Cola."

The other two turn to him like he's crazy and say, "what, you aren't going to order Guinness?"

To which he replies, "well if you two aren't going to order beer, neither am I!"

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The wife left a note on the fridge tonight,

It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to mum's. it said.

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the fuck is she talking about?

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A penguin has some car trouble...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge:

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold... What the hell is she talking about?

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Hot and Cold

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine..Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem..He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"

"Oh, that crazy old bastard" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January,and the second time is in August."

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My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? " She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."

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A man and a woman are sleeping in the same carriage...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies.

"Get your own blanket."

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A little bird was dying on a cold snowy field.

A cow was passing by and dropped some dung on it. The dung wormed the bird and it felt nice and warm so the bird started to sing with joy. A passing cat heard the singing of the bird. The cat found the bird and got it out of the dung. Then it ate the bird.

The moral of the story:
Not everyone who shits on you is your foe, not everyone who gets you out from the shit is your friend and if you're in deep shit you better shut your mouth.

This was translated from russian and I'm sorry if it already posted before. Shit to all!

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My wife left a note on the refrigerator for me...

"It's not working anymore. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to stay with my mother for awhile."

I opened the door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?

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A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon

His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

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A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."

The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"

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A man and a woman were...

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.

At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."

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A blond goes to Target

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blonde replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

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I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold.

He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.

He said he was outside before it was cool.

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A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons.

A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said:

"I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her,

"What went wrong?"

The blonde said: "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

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A man gets home from work one day to find his wife is gone.

He walks in the kitchen to find a note on the fridge that reads, "This isn't working, I've packed my bags and left for my mother's." Confused, the man opens the fridge and thinks to himself, "Well, the light's on and the beer is cold. What the hell was she talking about?"

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Its so cold in Washington DC

I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

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When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

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My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

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The Frozen Bird

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer...

there's nothing like popping open a cold one!

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I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...

... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets

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Which runs faster, hot or cold?

Hot, Everyone can catch a cold.

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working. I'm going to my mom's house."

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

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The Monk

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and you can only say two words every 3 years."

The man agrees and takes the vow of silence.

Three years later the head monk comes to him and says, "It has been three years. What are your two words?"

"Food cold", said the man.

Another three years pass, the head monk approaches him again and asks him what his two words are.

"Bed hard"

And so another three years has passed and the head monk sees him again and asks the same question.

"I quit"

The head monk looks at him and says, "Well good, because you've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

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Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

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Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".

Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".

"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.

Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!

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It's so cold outside....

I saw a politician put his hands in his own pockets.

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With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, What's that?!

He whispered, It's exactly what it sounds like.

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A Jewish man is elected president...

Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"

"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is so cold this time of year." "I'm the president, mom. I can arrange for you to get any sweater you want."

"I'm still not sure," continues his mother, "flying across the country is such a hassle." "Mom, I'll have you flown out here on Air Force One. It'll be no trouble to you." Finally, his mother agrees.

The day of the inaguration rolls around, and his mother is seated between the Vice President and the Secretary of State. As the man is being sworn in, his mother nudges the vice president.

"You see that boy up there? The one with his hand on the Bible? His brother's a doctor. "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

Windows frozen, it won't open


Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside


Five minutes later, wife texts back.


Computer's really screwed up now...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

You call it necrophilia....

But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Grandma Knows...

A cup of tea made with cold water.

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea,' which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.

My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the
toilet?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two ladies meet in heaven

Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"
Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."
Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."
Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die?
Beverly: "Oh, I had a heart attack."
Susan: "Really? What happened?"
Beverly: "I was certain my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But when I got home, I found him in the den, watching TV."
Susan: "And...?"
Beverly: "I was so sure there was another woman, I ran around the house frantically searching. I checked the attic, the basement, under all the beds, in all the closets. Eventually, I just keeled over and died from a massive heart attack."
Susan: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Give a man a jacket and he will never be cold.

Teach a man to jack it and he will never leave the house.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do men give their jackets to women when its cold?

Because it hurts to get blown by chattering teeth

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two old guys want to get laid

So they go to a whorehouse.
The lady that runs the place doesnt want to waste hookers on them.
So she sets them up with a room with some blowup dolls.
The old guys pay the lady; get their rocks off; and start walking back to their homes.
One says to other "i think the broad i was fuckin was dead. She was all cold a rubbery..."
The other old man replies; "really? Because i am sure the bitch i was doodlin was a witch..."
The first old man wonders how he came to that conclusion.
"well we were gettin kinda kinky an i went and bit her neck and she farted and flew out the window."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Australian Sex

While driving through the Australian outback, an English tourist noticed a man at the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few miles further down the road, he came to a small dusty town.

So he parked his car, and went into the town pub for a drink.

He sat there enjoying a nice cold beer, and looking around the bar.

Suddenly, he noticed a one-legged man sitting over at a corner table, masturbating.

The English tourist turned to the barman and said, "What kind of a country is this? A few miles down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo, and now I see that guy in the corner masturbating in full view of everyone."

The barman said, "You heartless bastard! He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to ever catch a kangaroo?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man comes home and calls out to his wife, "Honey, pack your things. I've just won the lottery!" Excited, she responds "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"

"I don't care - just get the fuck out!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that

Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men died and went to hell

Guy A asked Guy B how he died. Guy B said long exposure to the cold, hypothermia. How about you? .

Guy A said i decided to come home early to surprise my wife, but i found her in the bed naked and there were guy clothes on the floor. I confronted her but she refused to admit she was cheating. I searched all over the house but couldn't find that bastard. In the end my heart gave out from all the running around and i died from a heart attack.

Guy B says Dude, if you had search the refrigerator first we would both still be alive!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife texted me while I was at work this cold winter morning, "Windows frozen."

I texted back, "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

She replied, "Computer completely fucked now."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy asks his father: "Dad, why is the food so cold and bland?" The dad replies:

Your mum put her heart and soul into it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Where's the spoon?

A man is sitting in a restaurant and calls the waiter over.

Man: Try the soup.

Waiter: What is wrong with the soup? Is it too salty?

Man: Just try the soup.

Waiter: Is the soup too hot?

Man: Just try the soup!

Waiter: Is the soup too cold?

Man: JUST TRY THE GODDAMN SOUP!!

Waiter: Fine. Where's the spoon?

Man: That's the problem.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch?

He was given the cold shoulder.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

πŸ‘πŸΌ

We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Blonde Crashes a helicopter

A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde crashes a helicopter...

A police officer drives by and exclaims, "What happened!?". She says, "It was getting cold so I turned off the fan".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It was so cold in D.C. today...

...that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I feel bad for eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers that were in the fridge...

but it's hard to quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The note

I came home from the golf course today, and found a note my wife had left on the refrigerator.



IT'S NOT WORKING.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

GONE TO STAY WITH MY SISTER

I opened the fridge. The light came on.

The beer was cold.

What the HELL is she talking about?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin is driving his car...

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner?

The cold shoulder

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Customer knows best

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, another customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In hard times, a young woman becomes a prostitute...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, nan was in this bad area in town saw her granddaughter in the queue. She asked "Why are you standing in line here dear, are you not cold?". Trying to think of a good alibi, the grand daughter told her that the policeman were handing out free oranges.
Excited by the prospects of free oranges, the old lady said "Why how awfully nice of them, I might get some myself" and went to the back of the line.

A policeman, going down the line for more information looks very suprised when he comes to the four foot eight female yoda. "Wow, how do you keep at it at your age?".

"Well darling, I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back, and suck them dry".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The cannibal was late to dinner

He was given the cold shoulder

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call a necrophelic gang-bang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?

He says, Put it between your legs.

She says, What about the smell?

He says, Hold its nose.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

She left me a note...

I will never understand my wife, she is so sensitive.
I come home from work last night and she'd left a note on the fridge...

"It's no good Harry, it's just not working. I am going to stay at my mums for a few days."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was stone cold.
What the fuck?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Restaurant Order

A resident in a hotel breakfast room called the waiter to his table.

"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

(Irish joke, sorry guys). A teacher is giving an English lesson on the word "Contagious"...

...She asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word being used. One eager child says "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious".
"Very good!" replied the teacher, "has anybody else got an example?".
"My mummy says my laugh is contagious", said another child.
"Great answer!", said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?" (apologies for the token Irish name).
"Well, our neighbour is painting his fence with a toothbrush", said Paddy, "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did the cannibal get when he was late to dinner?

The cold shoulder

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hell's Bells

3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a naked chick.
She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower.
So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves.

Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn't ring. The woman nods.
"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."
"Ding-ding!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Girl, are you a popsicle?

'Cause you're cold as fuck and you act like you have a stick up your ass.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party?

He got the cold shoulder.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you get when you cross necrophilia with group sex?

Popping open a cold one with the boys

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: Windows frozen.
Husband: Pour some warm water over them.
Wife: Computer completely screwed up now.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So an Irishman is walking through the Kildare forest...

He is pretty lost, but suddenly he sees a leprechaun sitting on a rock. Surprised, he greets him. The leprechaun goes "Hello there! Not everyday you see one of my kind! Tell you what, I'll give you 3 wishes! Any you want!"

So the Irishman thinks a while, and finally says "Well, it's a bloody hot day, A nice cold glass of Guinness would do fine!"

So, as requested the leprechaun conjures up the glass. "You see, this isn't any normal glass of Guinness," he goes, "once you drink it all it'll fill right up to the top again! Your other wishes?"

"I'll 'ave two more o' them please."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska...

Shes been cold and distant.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man goes into a bar...

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do writers always feel cold?

Because they are surrounded by drafts!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter

A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large hay field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a dump on him. As the frozen blue bird lay there in the heap of steaming pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you are in deep shit, it is best to keep your mouth shut!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Women Talking in Heaven

1 Woman: Hi, Wandal

2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1 Woman: I froze to death.

2 Woman: How horrible!

1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1 Woman: So what happened?

2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ?

The snow, dumbass.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland?

Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Don't show up late for a cannibal's dinner party...

You'll get the cold shoulder

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I like my women the way I like my microwave... ...

...cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and kills any baby I put inside her.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Morals from a Pile of Shit

Once upon a time, there was a stubborn sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings. He tried to fly quicker to warmer air, but his wings kept freezing until he finally fell to the earth in a small barnyard. Almost frozen, unaware of where he was, a cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was surely the end.

But, the manure began to warm him. Soon, his wings were completely defrosted. Warm and happy, able to breathe and able to move again, he started to sing out loud in joy. Just then, a large cat came by to investigate where these familiar sounds were coming from. Soon enough, the cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and ate him.

~The Morals to this story?

*Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

*Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

*And the most important thing? Well, if you're warm and happy in your nice steaming pile of shit, keep your fucking mouth shut!!!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Blue seal

This penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices the oil pressure light is on so he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "no no, it's just ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old man John was dying...

As he was laying on his deathbed he told his caretaker, Steve, to bring him his socks from downstairs since his feet were cold and he wanted to be as comfortable as possible. Steve went downstairs and saw John's two daughters on the couch. He went up to them and said:
''Your father wont't make it, and his last dying wish is for me to have sex with you.''
Not believing him, the two girls asked for proof.
''John, both of them?''
''Of course both of them you fucking moron!''

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...

...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)

...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.

...50% alcohol.

...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.

...I don't like coffee.

...imported from micronesia.

...free, fresh and in the breakroom.

...huge and cheap with room for cream.

...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.

...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)

...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I started a cold air balloon business.

I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An ambulance is like a Pizza delivery

If they're late the delivery ends up cold.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Saturday Drives With Grandpa

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, Pa Pa , it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat, Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man wins the lottery..

And comes home and says to his wife, "Hey I won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

And his wife replies, "That's great! Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

The man replies, "I don't care, just get the hell out!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dad Joke: What do you call a Roman with a cold?

Julius Sneezar

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

"I don't think this is working. I am going to my mother's place."
I opened the door and it lit up, and it was cold.
What the hell did she mean?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Not a Latvian joke

Lost job and no money for buy potato.

Also is cold.

Regret immigrate to Detroit.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What happens to the cannibal who is late to the party?

He gets the cold shoulder.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Cold puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Cold? Well, here are the best jokes about Cold to have fun with.

Joko Jokes