The Best 66 Cold Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Cold jokes. There are some cold chill jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cold eskimos puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Cold Jokes and Puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"



I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Cold joke, Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my

Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Why do men give their jackets to women when its cold?

Because it hurts to get blown by chattering teeth

Cold joke, Why do men give their jackets to women when its cold?

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

Windows frozen, it won't open

Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside

Five minutes later, wife texts back.

Computer's really screwed up now...

Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...

-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.

-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!

The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!

Here's a great life hack!

When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!

It's so cold outside

I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.

You can explore cold chillin reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cold lukewarm dad jokes. There are also cold puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The problem with kissing a perfect 10

Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.

A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...

Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?

Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?

Man: Will you just try the soup.

Waiter: Is it too hot?

Man: Will you just try the soup

Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?

Man: Will you just try the damned soup son

Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...

Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!

Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.

Man: Exactly.

Necrophilia is like pizza

Even when it's cold it's still good.

What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner?

The cold shoulder

I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold.

He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.

He said he was outside before it was cool.

Cold joke, I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold.

Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( อกยฐ อœส– อกยฐ)

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder


What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

Its so cold in Washington DC

I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

The cannibal was late to dinner

He was given the cold shoulder

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon

His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?

Because he got cold feet.

I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...

... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner?

A cold shoulder.

You call it necrophilia....

But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.

Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer...

there's nothing like popping open a cold one!

A blonde crashes a helicopter...

A police officer drives by and exclaims, "What happened!?". She says, "It was getting cold so I turned off the fan".

Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

A Blonde Crashes a helicopter

A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan".

What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch?

He was given the cold shoulder.

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

Which runs faster, hot or cold?

Hot, Everyone can catch a cold.

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that

Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

A boy asks his father: "Dad, why is the food so cold and bland?" The dad replies:

Your mum put her heart and soul into it.

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, What's that?!

He whispered, It's exactly what it sounds like.

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

A canibal shows up late to a dinner

He ended up getting the cold shoulder

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer is really screwed up now.

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.



Little Johnny stood up...

"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.

But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.

And you have the nerve to call me colored!"

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:

- That'll be $25.

The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:

- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.

To which the horse replies:

- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.

It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen

Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.

A supervillain walks into a bank and says, "I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...!

...and I'm a stoned cold killer!"

On a bitter cold day, Hank visited Lou

"I had a rough time getting here", said Hank, "for every step forward forward I slid back two!"

"But if you slid back two steps for every step you took forward, how'd you get here?", asked Lou.

"I almost didn't, but then I said to myself 'forget it', and turned around and started back home"

How to keep warm in a cold room?

Go to the corner. It is always 90 degrees

What happens when you leave your citizens to freeze in the cold?

They turn blue.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

What did one shepherd say to another shepherd on a cold winter's night?

I'm freezing! Let's get the flock out of here!

I came home from work to see a note from my girlfriend taped to the refrigerator. It said, "You're too literal. This isn't working, so I'm leaving you."

I don't understand. The light came on when I opened the door, and all the food was still cold.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cold choc jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cold coldest piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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