The Best 78 Coffin Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Coffin jokes. There are some coffin mourners jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these coffin sarcophagus puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Coffin Jokes and Puns
What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?
Scratching at the inside of his coffin.
A great cardiologist is being buried.
All of his colleagues and fellow surgeons are reunited to mourn his. All except for one man who is laughing. The cardiologist's coffin was in the shape of a heart to honor his career. The man continues to laugh. Finally they ask him why he is so happy at a funeral and he responds "I was picturing my funeral because I'm a gynecologist".
A guy stopped me on the street today and tried to sell me a coffin...
I said "That's the last thing I need"
Wanna buy a coffin?!
So a guy comes up to me the other day and asked if I wanted to buy a coffin and I said "That's the last thing I'll ever need."
Cardiologist
A heart surgeon had died and at his funural the coffin was placed above a heart made of flowers. After everyone had said goodbye the coffin was lowered into the heart, during which someone began laughing really loud. 'What is wrong with you?' the person sitting next to the laughing man asked. 'I just thought of my own funural' he replied. 'What's so funny about that?' Still chuckling the man answered: 'Well, you see, I'm a gynaecologist'.
George Washington Today
What would George Washington be doing if he were alive right now?
Scratchin' the inside of his coffin.
Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died?
At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.
What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?!
Scratching at the inside of her coffin.
Courtesy of my dad.
The funeral
One day a man dies and in his will, he leaves $300,000 to his stock broker, financial adviser and his lawyer, each one receiving $100,000. In the will he also states that he wants all 3 of them to to leave half of the money they received ($50,000) in his coffin after the funeral.
The day of the funeral comes and each man approaches the coffin to do what was asked of them and once they're all done, they meet up at the bar.
After a few drinks, the stock broker speaks up "I gotta be honest with you guys. I only left $10,000 in the coffin. But I mean, it's not like he'll be able to spend it, right?"
To which the financial adviser admits "Hey, don't feel bad. I only left $5,000 in the coffin. I mean, is he really expecting us to throw away that much money?"
At which point the lawyer speaks up and says in a disapproving tone "I can't believe you guys would be so greedy! I'll have you know I left a check for the full $50,000 in his coffin like he asked!"
What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now?
Probably clawing at the inside of his coffin.
You can explore coffin stiffs reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean coffin cemetary dad jokes. There are also coffin puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The inventor of throat lozenges has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Why did the inventor of throat lozenges choose to be cremated?
So there wouldn't be any coffin.
What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker?
They both take away the coffin.
A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him
Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop
How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin?
None. It is all tongue and groove
Why don't dead people sneeze?
Because they're too busy coffin.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral
It was my dad's funeral last week.
We all walk into the chapel and there's a huge floral arrangement on the coffin that says: 81.131.11.216
My mother hisses to me, What is *that*?
I shrugged. What you asked for: our IP in flowers.
Old man dies
In his funeral, the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."
The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."
My friend Tommy drowned the other day...
At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
The guy who invented the USB connector died...
They lowered the coffin into his grave.
Then they lifted it back out, turned it round, and lowered it back in again.
I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business.
My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied "remains to be seen".
My friend Tim drowned, so we put a lifevest on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted.
My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists
And Jeeeeez, you should've heard her when she went in the furnace.
My buddy drowned the other day
I placed a life jacket in his coffin
It's what he would've wanted
Why was the graveyard so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
I went to the funeral of the man who invented the throat lozenge.
There was no coffin.
What happened at the funeral of the man who invented the USB?
They lowered his coffin, took it out, flipped it the other way round, then lowered it again.
A grave digger...
A grave digger hears a story about how Mozart had an unfinished song folded up in his coat pocket when he was buried.
The grave digger goes to the cemetery where Mozart was buried, and starts digging at the composer's grave.
The grave digger hits the coffin.
The grave digger opens the coffin, and sees Mozart holding the unfinished piece, and erasing each note on at a time.
The grave digger yells, "What are you doing?!"
Mozart responds with, "Decomposing."
I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Two hours later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery
I thought to myself "They've lost the plot"
I recently attended a funeral
And the procession was going up a steep hill on Main Street. Well all of a sudden the door of the hearst flew open and the coffin fell out. Since the road was so steep it flew back down Main street and into a pharmacy where it crashed into the counter. The lids popped open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
If Abraham Lincoln was alive today...
He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today...
I told them its the last thing I need.
The guy who invented throat lozenges just died...
I heard there will be no coffin at his funeral.
""When I die, I'd like you to lower the coffin into the grave...
... so you can let me down one last time."
A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."
"That she was killed by a giant crab."
I was at the inventor of the USB stick's funeral yesterday.....
They lowered his coffin into the ground, then raised it back up, turned it around, and lowered it back down again.
When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..
..take it out, flip it over and lower again.
What made the hearse horse hoarse?
The Coffin
When the inventor of the USB dies...
they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My friend just offered to buy me a coffin
i told him that's the last thing i'll need
A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.
If Paul Walker was alive right now, I bet he would be
Frantically scratching at the inside of his coffin.
An old man is about to die.
While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.
The Cardiologist's Funeral
A renowned cardiologist passed away, and all his friends from the same hospital attended his funeral. In order to pay tribute to his profession and his passion, he was buried in a coffin shaped like a heart.
After the service, it was noticed that one of the doctors was smiling. When asked why, he said "Oh, I'm just imagining my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist, you see."
Ralphie May....
Or may not fit in the coffin.
The inventor of the USB died.
They lowered his coffin, raised it back out, flipped it over, lowered it again, raised it back out, flipped it over again, then lowered him again.
How do you turn the light on after sex?
You open the coffin lid.
When I die, I want all my exes to carry my coffin to the grave
So that they can let me down one last time
A woman is sitting at a funeral, for her husband.
A man then asks "do you mind if I say a word?"
The woman replies "No, go ahead"
The man makes his way to the front at the head of the coffin, clears his throat and says "plethora" before returning to his seat.
"Thank you" says the woman. "That means a lot."
Why do people with asthma prefer to be cremated when they die?
Because they hate coffin.
The guy who invented strepsils died..
There was no coffin at the funeral
Necrophilia
.... the last nail in the coffin.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today...
I told him, that's the last thing I need.
My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.
Jokes on him.
He was in an urn.
The creator of the USB flash drive died today.
He was lowered into his coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck
Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to
The man who invented USB died recently.
At the funeral they lowered his coffin down, brought it back up, turned it over and lowered it again
How do you know if a vampire has COVID?
He's coffin
I chose a glass coffin for my father's funeral, but I'm not sure the family will appreciate it.
Remains to be seen.
Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...
...So you can let me down one last time.
Why did dracula get tested for covid-19?
Because of his coffin
Why did the graveyard get a COVID test?
Because of all the coffin.
Three rich guys bury a friend
First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.
All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".
After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...
"I look forward to seeing you in it".
So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.
*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
"Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?"
Dark pickup lines
Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.
Are you the suicide hotline?
Because I need to get your number.
Are you a noose?
Because I'd love to hang with you.
Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.
Are you a death certificate?
Because I wish you were mine.
Are you an electrical outlet?
Because I'd like to stick my fingers inside you.
Are you death?
Because I long for your sweet embrace.
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
Three rich guys bury a friend.
First guy throws a $1000 bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws $5000 behind it.
All of them look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check for over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need anything".
The man who rests on his laurels…
….is wearing them in the wrong place.
— Harold Coffin
"Cut a Man in Half" Trick
I was strolling down a street, suddenly came to a stop to see a street performer getting ready to do the "cut a man in half" act. The performer starts cutting then separates the coffin. In amazement I asked," Wow that's insane how did you do that?" He said," A Mortician never reveals his secrets."
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral,
a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."
One Casket Said To Another
Is that you coffin?
A hearse is traveling up an icy hill when the back doors fly open.
The coffin drops on the street. It slides down the hill, and goes through a house. It keeps going through a school, then a church, then a grocery store, and then through a gas station. It busts through an arcade, and then through an office building. It breaks through the front door of a pharmacy and finally stops at the pharmacy counter, the lid opens, and the man inside sits up. He looks at the pharmacist and asks, "Do you have anything to stop this coffin?"
The man who wrote the hokie pokie died recently
They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.
It all started when they put his right leg in..
The inventor of Halls Cough Drops died last night.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the coffin undertaker jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working coffin funeral piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.