Coffin Jokes
155 coffin jokes and hilarious coffin puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about coffin that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of coffin jokes. From the clever to the dark, these jokes are sure to get a rise out of you.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Coffin Short Jokes
Short coffin jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The coffin humour may include short casket jokes also.
- My 7 year old daughter came up with this one (I trained her well). Why did the doctor make an emergency call to the graveyard? Because all the coffin.
- When the inventor of the USB dies... they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
- The inventor of the USB died. They lowered his coffin, raised it back out, flipped it over, lowered it again, raised it back out, flipped it over again, then lowered him again.
- After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says... "I look forward to seeing you in it".
So for his birthday I bought him a coffin. - My buddy drowned the other day I placed a life jacket in his coffin
It's what he would've wanted - A guy died and his three friends all owed him $100 each 1st and 2nd friends both put $100 on his coffin and declared repayment even in death. 3rd guy wrote a check for $300 and took the $200 change.
- Parents save more by not vaccinating their children Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.
- If Abraham Lincoln was alive today... He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.
- Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died? At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
- If elvis Presley was alive today, what do you think he'd be doing right now? Scratching at the coffin lid, screaming Let me out!
Share These Coffin Jokes With Friends
Coffin One Liners
Which coffin one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with coffin? I can suggest the ones about cemetery and tomb.
- Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
- A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him, that's the last thing I need.
- Don't vaccinate your kids... Smaller coffins cost less than bigger ones.
- Why did the graveyard get a COVID test? Because of all the coffin.
- I was alone at a cemetery when I heard a weird noise Someone was coffin.
- Selling coffins must be a hard job. It's the last thing any of us need.
- Ralphie May.... Or may not fit in the coffin.
- How did one vampire give COVID to the other one? By coffin on him!
Happy Halloween :) - How do you know if a vampire has COVID? He's coffin
- Why don't dead people sneeze? Because they're too busy coffin.
- Why did dracula get tested for covid-19? Because of his coffin
- (my 6yo) What type of medicine does Dracula take for a cold? Coffin Medicine
- My friend just offered to buy me a coffin i told him that's the last thing i'll need
- Why do people with asthma prefer to be cremated when they die? Because they hate coffin.
- Why was the graveyard so noisy? Because of all the coffin.
Glass Coffin Jokes
Here is a list of funny glass coffin jokes and even better glass coffin puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business. My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied "remains to be seen".
- My glass coffin company "Remains to be Seen" isn't doing very well. It's an original idea, isn't it?
- New design of glass coffins to help relatives come to terms with their loss. Remains to be seen.
- What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment? "It's remains to be seen."
Vampire Coffin Jokes
Here is a list of funny vampire coffin jokes and even better vampire coffin puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How can you tell vampirism is a disease? On account of the coffin.
- How can you tell if a vampire has a horrible cold? by his deep loud coffin! ☺
- Why was the vampire quarantined? Because he was coffin
- What's the difference between a healthy vampire and a sick vampire? One sleeps in a coffin,
The other coughs while sleepin'. - Why did the vampire miss work? He was having a coffin fit!
- Where does a vampire go when he's sick. His coffin.
- Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.
- What do you give a vampire that won't stop coffin? DayQuil.
Coffin Halloween Jokes
Here is a list of funny coffin halloween jokes and even better coffin halloween puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's going to be the scariest Halloween decoration this year? Coffin
Coffin Dance Jokes
Here is a list of funny coffin dance jokes and even better coffin dance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Knock knock Who's there?
Ash
Ash who?
\*Coffin Dance\*
Laughable Coffin Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about coffin you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mummy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make coffin pranks.
What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?
Scratching at the lid of his coffin.
If you're a necrophiliac...
is it called wallpapering the coffin?
Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive
Scratching at her coffin
Wanna buy a coffin?!
So a guy comes up to me the other day and asked if I wanted to buy a coffin and I said "That's the last thing I'll ever need."
How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin?
A little stiff.
Cardiologist
A heart surgeon had died and at his funural the coffin was placed above a heart made of flowers. After everyone had said goodbye the coffin was lowered into the heart, during which someone began laughing really loud. 'What is wrong with you?' the person sitting next to the laughing man asked. 'I just thought of my own funural' he replied. 'What's so funny about that?' Still chuckling the man answered: 'Well, you see, I'm a gynaecologist'.
George Washington Today
What would George Washington be doing if he were alive right now?
Scratchin' the inside of his coffin.
What is the temperature of the average coffin?
6 Below
Morbid Humor
What did one casket say to the other casket?
Was that you coffin?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a c**... and a coffin?
Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.
What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?!
Scratching at the inside of her coffin.
Courtesy of my dad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was fired from my job as a mortician after I was caught having s**... on the job
I guess it was the final nail in the coffin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**...
One day a man dies and in his will, he leaves $300,000 to his stock broker, financial adviser and his lawyer, each one receiving $100,000. In the will he also states that he wants all 3 of them to to leave half of the money they received ($50,000) in his coffin after the f**....
The day of the f**... comes and each man approaches the coffin to do what was asked of them and once they're all done, they meet up at the bar.
After a few drinks, the stock broker speaks up "I gotta be honest with you guys. I only left $10,000 in the coffin. But I mean, it's not like he'll be able to spend it, right?"
To which the financial adviser admits "Hey, don't feel bad. I only left $5,000 in the coffin. I mean, is he really expecting us to throw away that much money?"
At which point the lawyer speaks up and says in a disapproving tone "I can't believe you guys would be so greedy! I'll have you know I left a check for the full $50,000 in his coffin like he asked!"
This will probably get buried. . .
It's a coffin.
What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now?
Probably clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Why did the man with bronchitis get cremated..?
he was tired of coffin.
Did you hear about the guy who died while digging a hole for a coffin?
It was a grave excavation.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the inventor of t**... lozenges choose to be cremated?
So there wouldn't be any coffin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**...
A f**... procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.
I'm surprised Apple didn't name their new stylus the Apple Nail so they could put it in Steve Job's coffin
A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin
...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"
The man replied,
"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....
The policeman fainted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the f**... director cover his mouth?
he kept coffin
What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker?
They both take away the coffin.
A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him
Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop
What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today?
He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The guy who invented t**... lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the f**...
Ever hear about the box that was coming down with something?
It was coffin
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was my dad's f**... last week.
We all walk into the chapel and there's a huge floral arrangement on the coffin that says: 81.131.11.216
My mother hisses to me, What is *that*?
I shrugged. What you asked for: our IP in flowers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old man dies
In his f**..., the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."
The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
What would Winston Churchhill be doing if he were alive today?
Clawing and screaming in his coffin:)
A casket falls out of the back of a hearse and is careening down a hill straight toward a drug store.
The limo driver tells the grieving husband.."Don't worry. They will have something in there to stop her coffin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone stole the coffin at my grandfather's f**....
I couldn't bereave it!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was very upset at the f**... the other day.
I started wailing and moaning and b**... on the coffin
In the end they opened it and let me out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife got very upset at the f**... the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists
And Jeeeeez, you should've heard her when she went in the furnace.
A grave digger...
A grave digger hears a story about how Mozart had an unfinished song folded up in his coat pocket when he was buried.
The grave digger goes to the cemetery where Mozart was buried, and starts digging at the composer's grave.
The grave digger hits the coffin.
The grave digger opens the coffin, and sees Mozart holding the unfinished piece, and erasing each note on at a time.
The grave digger yells, "What are you doing?!"
Mozart responds with, "Decomposing."
I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Two hours later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery
I thought to myself "They've lost the plot"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently attended a f**...
And the procession was going up a steep hill on Main Street. Well all of a sudden the door of the hearst flew open and the coffin fell out. Since the road was so steep it flew back down Main street and into a pharmacy where it crashed into the counter. The lids popped open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
The inventor of the Big Mac died the other day....
His family ordered the most lavish coffin they could find in the brochure, but were extremely disappointed when it turned out to be nothing like the picture.
Definition: Coffin
What they carry you offin.
""When I die, I'd like you to lower the coffin into the grave...
... so you can let me down one last time."
I saw six men with a coffin walking aimlessly around the cemetery
Looks like they had lost the plot
What made the hearse horse hoarse?
The Coffin
What would Mitch Hedberg say if he were alive?
Hey man, get me out of this coffin.
I'm seriously digging this girl
Three more feet to go till I reach the coffin!
If Paul Walker was alive right now, I bet he would be
Frantically scratching at the inside of his coffin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man is about to die.
While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his f**... the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I f**... on my mother-in-law and everyone around us could smell it but her.
That's one upside of being in a coffin.
I was driving along the road and I saw a coffin on the curb with a sign that said "FREE"
I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you turn the light on after s**...?
You open the coffin lid.
When I die, I want all my exes to carry my coffin to the grave
So that they can let me down one last time
What would Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today?
Shouting "Get me out of this coffin!"
None of my clients liked me when I was a plumber...
But since becoming a coffin maker, they've been dying to see me
If there's one good thing about being an anti-vaxxer ...
...it's that I only have to pay for a smaller coffin.
Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?
Because of his coffin.
Necrophilia
.... the last nail in the coffin.
What would mlk do if he were alive today?
Scream and claw at the top of his coffin.
An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?
The coffin painter
My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.
Jokes on him.
He was in an urn.
What gets heavier as it gets smaller?
A coffin.
Paul died. Six of his friends carried his coffin.
Paulbearers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today we mourn the loss of the man who invented the inhaler...
There was no coffin at the f**....
A poem for our times...
It's not the cough that carries you off. It's the coffin they carry you off in.
A hearse was driving down the road...
When all of the sudden the back doors fling open. The coffin flies out of the hearse and it bounces all around the town, it cannot stop.
Eventually it stops and lands right in front of a drug store. The man in the coffin rises up and says Hey, you guys have anything that can stop this coughin'?
Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck
Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I chose a glass coffin for my father's f**..., but I'm not sure the family will appreciate it.
Remains to be seen.
