Coffee Shop Jokes
111 coffee shop jokes and hilarious coffee shop puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about coffee shop that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Coffee Shop Short Jokes
Short coffee shop jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The coffee shop humour may include short cafe jokes also.
- I stopped at a coffee shop in Glasgow When I approached the barista, I ordered a latte with oat milk.
Stunned and confused, the barista tells me, we cannae make a latte withoat milk - What is the difference between a coffee shop and a brothel? My girlfriend never asks for a large black at the coffee shop.
- When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop. He was known as the pasta barista baby.
- I went to a coffee shop. They had some great looking cakes. I pointed to a cake and asked the waiter:
"Is this gluten free?"
He replied:
"No, it costs money!" - A hipster coffee shop would be a terrible idea. Everyone would burn their tongues because they would drink the coffee before it was cool.
- I was working at a coffee shop, and a priest asked if I have any whole milk I said "forgive me father, for I have skim"
- A women stopped me in the coffee shop the other day claiming she met me through a vegetarian-only dating website... but I had never met herbivore.
- I visited a coffee shop where the password was "wedonthavewifi". It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
- An Italian man with spells of amnesia goes into a boutique coffee shop... The barista asked what he wants, and he replies "Affogato".
- To be a hipster is to live in constant suffering You spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it's cool.
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Coffee Shop One Liners
Which coffee shop one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with coffee shop? I can suggest the ones about corner shop and coffee break.
- My Jewish friend is going to open a coffee shop. Suggested he name it Hebrew.
- What do you get when you cross a Jew and a coffee shop? Hebrews
- I quit my job as a coffee shop manager The daily grind was just too much
- What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common? Baristas
- I first met my wife at our favorite coffee shop We found ourselves on common grounds
- Why did the Jewish guy open up a coffee shop? Cuz he brews!!
- Why did the cops hang out at the coffee shop? In case somebody got mugged.
- My Wife Just Started Working At A Coffee Shop Not for the money, for the percs.
- So i just started a coffee shop in baghdad... ...and business is BOOMING!!
- What do you call a coffee shop where drug deals go down? The trappé!
- What's Stalin's favourite coffee shop? Tzarbucks.
- What do you call a progressive coffee shop? Stay Woke
- UCLA opened a new campus coffee shop It's called "Brewins"
- Want to meet at Brew City after work? its a coffee shop you alcoholic
- Two hipsters walk into a bar Haha that's the punchline, it's actually a coffee shop.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Coffee Shop Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about coffee shop you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean flower shop jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make coffee shop pranks.
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!
She went on and on and wouldn't stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
It's easy! I turn off the light!
A young woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a man wearing a cowboy hat.
"Excuse me sir but are you a real cowboy?"
The man says, "Well I have a ranch and horses. I go to rodeos and raise cattle and other livestock, so yes I suppose I'm a real cowboy."
The woman says, "Well I think I'm a l*sbian. Women are always on my mind whether I'm working eating driving or whatever its still the same. I cant get women off my mind. Yes I think I'm a l*sbian."
The young woman gets up and leaves the coffee shop.
A short time later a young guy comes in and sits down next to the man and asks him, "Sir are you a real cowboy?" To that the man replies, "Well I always thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a l*sbian!"
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, "Marc, with a C."
Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
Never question a drunk!
A 37 year old woman at the super market says: NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK . . . . I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found "Mr. Right." I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.....
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Greek and Italian were sitting at a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture...
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented d**... s**...!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priests a Rabbi and a Minister are in a coffee shop...
...They start comparing the powers of their religion. They decide to test themselves by agreeing that they will all go into the woods to convert a bear and meet back in a week. A week passes and the priest and minister arrive first. The priest says that he converted a bear by showing him the miracle of communion. The minister said that he converted another bear by showing him the holy Scripture and reading from it. They wait a long time for the Rabbi and just as they are about to leave he arrives in a wheelchair covered in casts and bandages. They ask him what happened and he replied saying "I never should have started with the circumcision."
I wen't shopping with the wife today...
We nipped into Costa for a coffee, They've got an offer on, free coffee for anyone with a moustache for 'Movember'... Lucky cow I had to pay for mine!.
An okay-looking guy was using a fake online-dating account...
After a few weeks of looking, a girl finally agrees to go grab a coffee with him.
She says she will wear something Yellow, he says he will wear something Green.
At a relatively empty coffee shop, the guy shows up wearing Red instead.
After a few minutes of waiting, an ugly girl shows up wearing something Yellow.
Seeing that an okay-looking guy in Red is sitting alone, she comes up to him and asks him, "Hi, by any chance are you the guy from the online-dating website?"
The guy responds, "No I'm not! Does it look like I'm wearing Green??"
Wayne Rooney walks into a shop
He sees a shiny silver thermos flask that he has never seen before, so he finds a shop assistant and asks him, "what is this used for?" the shop assistant replies, "it is used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold". Wayne Rooney buys it and takes it to training the next day. Alex Ferguson sees Rooney carrying his thermos flask and asks, "what you got there Rooney". to which Rooney replies, "Oh this, it's brilliant; it's used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold".
"well what you got in it then?" Alex Ferguson replies, "Two cups of coffee and a chock ice"
A woman shopping at her local mart where....................
................................she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"
New Secretary At Work
A blonde secretary was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee? the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.
Oh good! the blonde sighed in relief. I'll have two regular, two black, and two decaf.
the barista at my coffee shop talked me into trying a funky new coffee.
I took a drink and told her it tasted like dirt and she said, "well that's cuz it's fresh ground."
Nelson and Deepak, both engineering students, happen to be close friends.
One day, while sitting in a coffee shop, Deepak asks Nelson, "How's it going with your girlfriend?"
Nelson: Ooh, I forgot to tell you, she came to my house yesterday.
Deepak: What happened?
Nelson: Well, I put on some music, and we danced.
Deepak: Then what happened?
Nelson: As we were dancing, we kissed.
Deepak: And? Keep going.
Nelson: I picked her up in my arms and sat her on the table next to my new laptop.
Deepak: You got a new laptop?
Nelson: Yeah, just last week. My parents got it for me.
Deepak: Wow! What configuration?
Nelson: 750 GigaByte drive, 6 Gigs of RAM, 3 GHz processor...
Deepak: HDMI port?
Nelson: Oh yeah.
Deepak: Blu-ray burner?
Nelson: You know it.
Deepak: Awesome man!
A man walks into a coffee shop...
A man walks into a coffee shop and asks
"I'll have a ztsherkmflurgchtrokzykk with two sugars."
Surprised, the barista answers:
"A ztsherkmflurgchtrokzykk with two *what*?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Greek vs Italian Culture
One day , two men, a Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented s**...!"
The Italian thinks for a moment and then replies, "Ah, yes, that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
Told by one timer to another over a game of chess at the local coffee shop.
A guys finds himself in the woods, comes up to a river and looks around sees just before the bend a priest baptizing people. He goes up to the preacher and without saying a word, the preacher grabs him and dunks him into the water. He shouts, "Have you found Jesus yet?!" The guy, catching his breath, shakes his head a says, "No." The preacher sticks him down again, this time even longer. After bringing him back up he yells again, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!" Again the guy, hardly being able to breathe, says, "No!" The preacher thrusts him back into the water harder and almost to the point where he drowns. He brings the man back up in the last seconds and exclaims louder than previous times, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!?!" and the man retorts, "No, are you sure he's down here?!"
A policeman used to hang out in a coffee shop all day....
A policeman used to hang out in a coffee shop all day. Unsurprisingly that coffee shop never got robbed.
The hardware shop down the road had an idea, and constructed a cardboard silhouette of a policeman drinking coffee, and displayed it in front of their counter, thinking it would deter thieves.
The first week went by without incident, but then half-way through the second week, masked men burst in and snatched away the cardboard policeman.
It transpires that he just wasn't cut out for the job.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't get pulled over in Eastern Europe
Ivan gets pulled over by traffic police, so he tells them the usual s**... story about how he's very poor, he can't pay the ticket etc. etc. So at first the cops are like okay give us some money, we'll make it go away.
Ivan though won't back down and tells them how he's been laid off recently from the banitza factory, his mother in law is trying to convince his wife to divorce him and take the kids away etc. etc. So the cops relent and ask that he only buys them a couple of coffees from the nearby shop to warm themselves.
So Ivan goes to the shop and happily asks for two coffees, and the shop owner says: "Are they for the two policemen out front?" and Ivan says "Actually, they are!" so the shop owner says "Okay, that will be 20 euro."
What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans?
"That's grounds for divorce!"
You must be single...
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."
A blond goes to Target
A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blonde replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
I want to start a coffee shop that only plays ambient/electronic music...
and call it Brian Beano.
Hot and Cold
An old man goes into a shop one day to look around. He goes to the counter and sees an item up on shelf he's never seen before. He's asks the girl who's running the cash register, "What's that new item there on the shelf?"
"It's a thermos," she said. "It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold."
"I'll take one to try then!" The old man says.
The next day, the old man brings the thermos to work, and his buddy comes up to him and asks, "Whatcha got there?"
The old man responds, "It's a thermos."
"Well, what does it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold," the old man chimes back.
Finally, his friend asks, "So, what do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I hear there is a rule about not ending sentences with a preposition.
A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an Atlanta airport coffee shop waiting for her flight back to Connecticut, when a friendly Southern belle sat down next to her.
'Where y'all goin' to?' asked the Southern belle.
Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied 'I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions'.
The Southern belle thought a moment, and tried again. 'Where y'all goin' to, b**...?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A coffee shop opened up inside a s**... club
Its name is "Grinds for Divorce"
Coffee With No Cream
A guy walks into a coffee shop.
Waitress: What can I get you?
Guy: May I get a coffee with no cream?
Waitress: Sorry, we just ran out of cream. How about a coffee with no milk?
How do you find the PC user in the coffee shop?
Follow the power cord.
A surface topologist sits in a coffee shop thinking deeply about his research...
he takes a sip from his doughnut.
I'm starting a comedy troupe that wears masks and does improvised sketches in coffee shops
It's called Commedia de Lattè
My boss was going to fire me over breakfast this morning but the coffee shop was closed.
There were no grounds for dismissal.
Earlier today at a coffee shop, I spilled my drink all over the paper I was working on.
The barista looked over and said, "Well, essay chai tea happens."
I work at a coffee shop WARNING* Dad joke
I work at a coffee shop. They pays not great, but the job itself has some pretty good perks.
I contacted and arranged for a meet with an undercover FBI agent to show my skills in deduction and reasoning..
Unfortunately,a 14 yr old girl showed up at the coffee shop
A man sits in a coffee shop sipping from a cup of coffee
A man sits in a coffee shop sipping from a cup of coffee, no laptop, no tablet or no phone, he just sits there, like a psychopath ..........
I was in a coffee shop when something exploded and came really close to severing my head.
I said, "Wow! I was almost decaffeinated!"
A blonde was recently hired at our office.
A blonde was recently hired at our office.
Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, Hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took a selfie outside of a coffee shop that resists conventional brewing methods.
**#NoFilter.**
Not sure about this blonde moment...
Overheard at a coffee shop...
"... and the 3rd mistake was that he did it in the 1st place..."
Why did the law student get a job at the coffee shop?
He wanted on the job experience as a barrister
A man walks into a coffee shop
Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.
Man: hey thanks!
Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!
Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?
Cashier: it is
Bagel: you have beautiful eyes
Judge: I'm sentencing you to an evening of grocery shopping. Don't forget the coffee.
Husband: You don't have grounds for that.
I decided to go to a coffee shop today
The barista behind the counter said that I should try a new but expensive brew of coffee. It was $9 but I decided to try it. I took a sip of the beverage, and almost instantly spat it out.
"Wha... This tastes like mud!" I shouted at the barista.
He turned and smiled. "It should. It was fresh ground this morning!"
David Beckham is out shopping one day.. (Old)
He spots a tall, cylindrical silver thing. He asks a shop assistant what it is; "It's a Thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" replies the assistant.
So David buys it. On arriving home, Victoria asks what he's
got there. "It's a Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an cold fings cold."
"Great," replies Victoria, " you can take that to training with you, show the lads."
So David takes it along to the England Camp the next day.
The players ask him what he has there, "A Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an cold fings cold"
"Zo vot have you got in it David?" asks Sven.
"A cup of coffee an a choc ice" he replies.
TIL about Kopi Luwak, an expensive coffee made from partially digested coffee cherries defecated by the Asian palm civet.
Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop then ask for a crappuccino.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What would you name a coffee shop in a f**... home?
Grim Horton's
I wanted to chat-up the girl serving in the coffee shop, so I looked at her name badge and said:
"That's a beautiful name... Trainee"
A mexican walks into a french coffee shop
Barista: How would you like your coffee?
Mexican: au lait.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... the Bear
p**... is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant "What's that thing there?"
"Its a thermos flask" says the assistant.
"What does it do?" p**... asks.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir" She replies.
p**... buys the thermos flask and takes it to work the next day. At lunch time he sits down and takes it out of his rucksack.
"What's that thing?" m**... asks.
"Its a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" p**... says.
"Is that so? What've got in it?" Asks m**....
p**... says "Two cups of coffee and an ice cream"
A topologist walks into a coffee shop.
He orders a coffee and a donut. When he receives his order, he looks at the employee quizzically and asks, "What is this? I didn't order two of the same thing!"
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Mathew McConaughey are in a coffee shop to discuss a new movie:
Clooney: I'll direct.
DiCaprio: I'll act.
McConaughey: I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old ladies were talking in a coffee shop.
Agnes, you have a suppository in your ear.
**Agnes**: So *that's* where my hearing aide went.
A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks if they have cold coffee
"Sorry we only serve hot coffee", Replies the owner.
So the guy walks away and comes back the next day and asks the same thing again, but they still didn't have any.
So the owner decided to make a cup of coffee early in the morning so it would be cold when the guy shows up.
"Do you have cold coffee ?"
"Yes sir , we do"
"Oh nice. I'll have that please"
The owner smiles and as he puts the cup of cold coffee on the counter the guy says "Oh, and could you heat it up for me please ?"
A guy was drinking coffee in a coffee shop
He had no laptop, no smartphone, no Ipad. Doing nothing but just enjoying a coffee.. what a psychopath.
A camel Goes into the coffee shop
The barista, about to add the sugar asks, "one lump or two?"
A group wearing tuxedos were sat down in a coffee shop, when a car suddenly smashed through the shop front.
Thankfully there were no casual teas
A man walks into a coffee shop and asks for a latte. Having never seen the word before, he mistakenly pronounces it "la tea".
The barista replies, "Sorry, my musical knowledge only goes so fa".
Marc, with a C I said to the person at the coffee shop register.
Cark is what they wrote on the cup.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say freelance in an independent coffee shop...
I have no idea how much money I would have, but it would definitely be more than a freelancer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A loud f**... is heard, and everyone in the coffee shop is subjected to a putrid stench
A guy then approaches a gay man, and angrily accuses "I know you're the person who f**...."
Insulted by the accusation, the gay man defends himself.
"I did not! You're accusing me just because I'm gay; you homophobic pig." the gay man retorts.
The man yells back, "Pig? Your c**... hit my face!"
I'm starting up a local coffee shop and marketing it as an Ashley Madison meetup spot.
I'm calling it Grounds for Divorce.
