Coffee Jokes

What instant coffee and Sasha Grey
have in common?

3 in 1

I like my women like I like my coffee.

I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

A conversation between my mother and my wife.

Wife: Hi mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?
Mother-in-Law: As long as you want me to...
Wife: What! you wont even stay for coffee?

Two ladies meet up for coffee...

The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)

Why did the hipster get burned when he drank his coffee?

The barista make a joke about sleeping with his mother.

Every year we spend more on coffee than we do on educating our children

how do we sleep at night?

A man opens the door for his moother-in-law

And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"
The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."
"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"

I spilled coffee all over my Macbook...

...now it won't go to sleep.

I also like my coffee like i like my slaves.

Hand-picked from a third world country.
...I'll show myself out.

Two Blondes

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto;
"I had s**... with two Brazilian guys last night"
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other

Your momma is so ugly....

Bill Cosby gave her coffee.

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me s**... at home.

Wife comes home and finds her husband sipping coffee with another woman

She starts swearing at her husband immediatelly.
He stops her: 'Don't shout at me, this woman has come to see you.'
'Me? You cheating liar, I don't know her at all!'
'OK, let me introduce you then. This is Carol, wife of your lover…'

Two Blondes meet up for coffee...

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.
"I had s**... with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."

I was on this plane once...

Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.
The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a b**... and a cup of coffee".
The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.
A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".

Why is it impossible to electrocute a barista?

Coffee grounds.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and o**...

But not my Sister.

I like my women how I like my coffee:

Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty b**... I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".
I didn't bother leaving a tip.

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves.

Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

Just had a coffee and it was so black and rich,

a Kardashian just tried to sleep with it.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it?

Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

I once mixed Red Bull and coffee

After 20 minutes on highway I noticed that I forgot my car at home

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"

Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."
Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

How did the Israeli get his coffee?

Hebrew'd it.

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues...

Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

My wife walks into the kitchen

Me: it sure is muggy outside
Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you
*Sips coffee out of bowl*

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today

Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

Coughy Filter Joke

The barista at Starbucks was wearing a face mask.
Me: Why are you wearing a surgical mask?
She said: I'm not, it's a coughy filter.

I like my women how I like my coffee

*Sips tea*

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee

Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.

She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"Yes"
"And do you remember the first time we had s**...?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."

I like my men how I like my coffee...

Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my t**...

Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)

The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle well.....?
She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God.

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine

He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!""No," replied the CEO indignantly."Good!" replied the trainee, and slams down the phone.

I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice.

My Dr. explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the v**....

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"d**..., I can't find any milk for my coffee."
The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

Four Surgeons are getting coffee

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their a**... are interchangeable."

A Jewish man does not make instant coffee.......

Hebrews...

3 farmers.

3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out"

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.

The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."

2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...

One lady whispers 'I'm getting a b**... job'
2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'
1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'