Coffe Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Coffe puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Coffe

Coffee is the silent victim in our house...

It gets mugged every day.

I also like my coffee like i like my slaves.

Hand-picked from a third world country.

...I'll show myself out.

This coffee tastes like dirt

Well it was ground this morning

Just had a coffee and it was so black and rich,

a Kardashian just tried to sleep with it.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

What do you call a sick cup of coffe?

A coughy mug

Between Coffee and Cocaine…

…it seems like the country of Colombia just wants to wake up the world.

Coffee

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs

I like my coffee like I like my women...

Full of whiskey.

Coffee Dilemma

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

Coffee maker in the IT department doesn't work

Try reinstalling Java.

Coffee Joke [OC]

So the coffee asked the creamer, "Are you outraged by our working conditions too, or do you support management?"

The creamer replied, "I'm half and half."

^^^I'm ^^^Sorry.

My girlfriend: "Did you forget to turn on the dishwasher?"

Me: *sipping coffe from a vase*
"No, why?"

Coffee filled to the brim

Boss : Muthu, how do you get it right? For 30 years you have been bringing me coffee filled to the brim every morning without spilling it?

Muthu: Before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.

Guy has a bad eye pain

Guy has a bad eye pain, he goes to the doctor and explains the strange pain he gets in his eye everytime he drinks coffe. Sometimes his left others times his right eye.

The doctor finds nothing worng, he suggests an excercise where he will have coffee and all the extras in his office , then he will then come in and make his coffee like usual so the doctor can see what is happening.

After the excercise the doctor says he knew exactly what is wrong. The guy says, what!? What is it?!

The doctor says, you should take the spoon out of your coffee before you drink it.

Coffee.

Not my cup of tea.

Two coffees were walking down the street...

One of them was mugged!

My coffee wasn't strong enough.

So, yesterday instead of using water, I brewed with Red Bull. I got halfway to work before I realised I'd forgotten my car.

Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale?

It's the most basic drink there is.

Why were the coffee beans upset?

Because they were grounded.... Or black I am not sure.

What does a coffee pot say when it's feeling sorry for itself?

Pour me...

:-/

Courtesy Waffle House marketing team from an email i received today.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Handed over by an eastern european immigrant who doesn't care what happens to it or expect to see it again.

Where does coffee go when it dies?

A bitter place.

The Pope's Coffee - From my grandfather

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican .


After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.


Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"


The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."


"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."


"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."


The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."


And he leaves.


The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.


"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."


"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.


"We're losing the Wonderbread account."

I like my woman like I like my coffe

With no pubic hair.

why can't coffee conduct electricity?

because it is grounded

Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc".

Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

How do you take your coffee?

**Barista:** How do you take your coffee?

**Customer:** Ferguson Police

**Barista:** Huh?

**Customer:** Black, two shots.

Coffee drinking trio

3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.

1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.

2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.

3rd: yeah? We'll I don't even use a kettle. I chew the coffee beans, drink some water and just go sit on the stove for a while.

Coffee News Gem

Game Warden: Fishing?

Person without fishing license: Nah, drowning worms.

What are coffee shops in Russia called?

Tsarbucks.

I have a coffee sweater.

I put it on over my tea shirt.

What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common?

Baristas

Coffee

If your eyes hurt when you drink coffee.....

You have to take the spoon out!

Between the Coffee and the Cocaine

I think it's Colombia's mission to keep the world awake.

I like my Coffee, like my President. . .

Black with some cream. But don't acknowledge the cream because it's so much more impressive to have it straight black.

Life is like a cup of coffe.

Dark and bitter.

If coffee is my favorite drug, then what is coffee's favorite drug?

Pot

I like my coffee like I like my women...

...Ground up in the freezer.

I like my coffee how I like my women

Dark, delicate, and shipped to me in a box straight from Colombia

Don't say coffee is better than tea in the UK

You might get mugged

Coffee

Coffee: you haven't had enough until you can thread a sewing machine needle while it's running.

Coffee Has a Rough Time At Work.

It gets mugged ever single morning! :(

Did you know that most coffee flavorings have a low pH?

Except pumpkin spice because it's so basic

In the coffee room of the hospital, two doctors were having an argument......

Dr Hardy, gesticulating with his hands, says "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba"

Dr Patel disagrees "No Man, I'm 100% it is Whoooooommmmmm"

They go on like this for about 10 minutes, with neither backing down. Finally, exasperated that the argument is preventing him from reading his paper, an obstetrician stands up, walks over, and in a rather superior manner says 'Gentleman, the spelling you are looking for is w-o-m-b. Womb' He then tucks his paper under his arm, and walks away to find a quieter spot to enjoy his paper.

After he has gone away, Dr Hardy turns to Dr Patel and says, "I bet you
he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water!"

Why did the coffee burn the hipster?

Because it was hot.

I think my coffee pot is an alcoholic

It gets drunk at least once a day even when no one else is around

I like my coffee like Hamilton liked the source of his income.

Black, and made by my wife.

Coffee is the most silent victim ever.

It gets mugged every day.

My coffee this morning is like my ex

Hot and bitter

I like my coffee the way I like my slaves

Free

Do you know the difference between a potty and a coffe pot?

No? Don't you ever invite me for coffee!

I like my coffee like I like my women

Sent back for not being hot enough

So an Australian walks ito a cafe and orders coffe

The barista says want any creamer

The Australian replies Just coffee, mate

Why does coffee take so long to make in a purcolator?

Because it's not called a purconow.

My coffee reminded me of Ferguson today

Dark and full of shots.

I like my coffee how I like my women

Ground up, in a bag, and in the fridge. ahh, the nice bitter taste of it...

Coffee...

If you're British, it may not be your cup of tea.

Got my coffee this morning, full of grounds, ugh.

\#noFilter

I like my coffee like I like my women.

I don't like coffee.

Coffee Humor

At work this morning I was informed a coworkers Dad had died. Another co workers wife had a baby.
Later I saw my boss at the coffee pot. I said " just so you know Jeff's Dad died. On a lighter note Bill's wife had a baby. So we're at a net zero."

I Like My Coffe Like I Like My Slaves

Free

I like my coffee like I like my women...

I've heard multiple versions of this joke. Please comment with you're favorite.

Coffee Shop

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my butt trumpet to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod with earbuds.

I like my coffee like my women.

Someone secretly replaced my woman with Folger's Crystals. I can't tell the difference.

Coffee is the only thing that works hard

when it's black

I like my coffee how I like my life

Once thrilling, but now a mundane daily ritual that has me questioning what I ever found enjoyable about it to begin with.

How do you take your coffee?

Seriously..very seriously

What does coffee and sexy woman have in common?

Both too hot for me :(

I take my coffee how I take my women...

ground up and in the freezer.

What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans?

"That's grounds for divorce!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes