coffe Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious coffe puns

I had coffee with Red Bull this morning...

After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.


Coffee is the silent victim in our house...

It gets mugged every day.


I also like my coffee like i like my slaves.

Hand-picked from a third world country.

...I'll show myself out.


Just had a coffee and it was so black and rich,

a Kardashian just tried to sleep with it.


Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.


What do you call a sick cup of coffe?

A coughy mug


Between Coffee and Cocaine…

…it seems like the country of Colombia just wants to wake up the world.


Coffee and A blowjob

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, 'What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.'

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says 'Don't forget the coffee!'


Having coffee at night is like fucking a fat chick..

Seem like a good idea but when you done, you are up all night wondering why the hell you did it.



I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs


My dad and I were in a hotel and he tried the coffe...

... and smiled and said "Ahh, it's like making love in a canoe". I asked "it's that good?" and he stopped smiling and looked me in the eyes and said "no, it's fucking close to water" before pouring it down the drain.


Coffee Dilemma

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:



Coffee maker in the IT department doesn't work

Try reinstalling Java.


Coffee Joke [OC]

So the coffee asked the creamer, "Are you outraged by our working conditions too, or do you support management?"

The creamer replied, "I'm half and half."

^^^I'm ^^^Sorry.


My girlfriend: "Did you forget to turn on the dishwasher?"

Me: *sipping coffe from a vase*
"No, why?"


Coffee filled to the brim

Boss : Muthu, how do you get it right? For 30 years you have been bringing me coffee filled to the brim every morning without spilling it?

Muthu: Before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.


Guy has a bad eye pain

Guy has a bad eye pain, he goes to the doctor and explains the strange pain he gets in his eye everytime he drinks coffe. Sometimes his left others times his right eye.

The doctor finds nothing worng, he suggests an excercise where he will have coffee and all the extras in his office , then he will then come in and make his coffee like usual so the doctor can see what is happening.

After the excercise the doctor says he knew exactly what is wrong. The guy says, what!? What is it?!

The doctor says, you should take the spoon out of your coffee before you drink it.


I like my coffee like I like my men.

Sweet and delicious and makes me feel awesome at first but then I feel like shit and end up sitting on the toilet regretting my life choices.



Not my cup of tea.


Two coffees were walking down the street...

One of them was mugged!


My coffee wasn't strong enough.

So, yesterday instead of using water, I brewed with Red Bull. I got halfway to work before I realised I'd forgotten my car.



Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She modestly replies, "I have a daughter - slim, tall, beautiful olive eyes, big breasts and small waist. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!..."


Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale?

It's the most basic drink there is.


Why were the coffee beans upset?

Because they were grounded.... Or black I am not sure.


What does a coffee pot say when it's feeling sorry for itself?

Pour me...


Courtesy Waffle House marketing team from an email i received today.


How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffe before it was cool.


I like my coffee like I like my women.

Handed over by an eastern european immigrant who doesn't care what happens to it or expect to see it again.


Where does coffee go when it dies?

A bitter place.


The Pope's Coffee - From my grandfather

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican .

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.

Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"

The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonderbread account."


All I could use right now is some coffee and a....

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know what I'd really want now? A cup of coffee and a nice blowjob." So now, a stewardess is panicking and makes a run for the cockpit to make him turn it off. As she's running, one of the passengers say "Don't forget the coffee!"


I like my woman like I like my coffe

With no pubic hair.


why can't coffee conduct electricity?

because it is grounded


How do you take your coffee?

**Barista:** How do you take your coffee?

**Customer:** Ferguson Police

**Barista:** Huh?

**Customer:** Black, two shots.


Poor man

Three men sat outside of a coffe shop in a spanish town, two of them are rich and the third is poor. As they sat there drinking their coffes a very attractive lady walks up to them and asks what they would give to sleep with her. The first rich man says "I would buy you a yacht, a sports car and a case of the most expensive wine just to see you nude". The second rich man says "I would buy you a home in whatever part of the world you want, treat you to the best food, and three million dollars just to see you topless". The poor man then excalims "Forget her! I'll take it in the ass".


Coffee drinking trio

3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.

1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.

2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.

3rd: yeah? We'll I don't even use a kettle. I chew the coffee beans, drink some water and just go sit on the stove for a while.


What are the most funny Coffe jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Coffe? Well, here are the best Coffe dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Coffe pick up lines to share with friends.

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