Cocktail Jokes

Following is our collection of cosbypolitan puns and mixologist one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cocktail jokes for adults, dirty chaser jokes and clean dickbutt dad gags for kids.

The Best Cocktail Puns

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

A man walks into a Bar.

A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

The hurricane Sandy.

A guy goes to a bar and looks at the drink menu to see if he can try a new cocktail that he never had before. He noticed there is a drink on the menu named "Hurricane Sandy." The guy never heard of it before so he asks the bartender what is it. The bartender replied "It's a watered down Manhattan."

How do you make a Tupac cocktail?

Start by putting six shots in it.

Did you know that Harper Lee invented a cocktail?

It was the Tequila Mockingbird.

Two women are talking at a cocktail party

One woman asks, "I noticed that you are wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger, do you usually wear it that way?"
The woman asks, "Why?"
"Because I married the wrong man."

At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

Why won't Obi-Wan mix you a vodka cocktail?

Only a Sith deals in Absoluts.

A woman sits in a bar and orders a cocktail named "Double EntΓ©ndre"

So the barkeeper gives it to her.

What's the difference between a complimentary cocktail and a significant brain surgery?

One is a free bottle in front of me, and the other is a pre-frontal lobotomy

A lawyer and a doctor area at a cocktail party

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately. The gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.

It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?

Absolutely says the lawyer. I think it's perfectly fine.

The following week the doctor then gets a bill from the attorney.

My girlfriend asked me if she was ugly, so I threw a molotov cocktail at her.

It's safe to say she's much hotter now.

What's a particle physicist's favourite cocktail?

A Large Hadron Colada.

I invented a new drink today; basically you start with a Shirley Temple and put a really old cocktail sausage in it.

I call it the "Judge Roy Moore".

Dickbutt is probably an alcoholic.

He's always got a cocktail.

At a cocktail party...

an obstetrician's wife noticed that another guest, a big, oversexed blonde in a slinky red dress, was making overtures at her husband. As it was a large, informal gathering, she tried to laugh it off, until she saw the woman begin whispering into her husband's ear while her hand caressed his back.

At once she confronted the blonde bimbo and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Whaddya call a flaming Jewish Congratulatory Drink?

A Mazel Tov Cocktail!


A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir.

What do you get when a gay man tucks his weenier between his legs

A fruit cocktail.

What do you call a group of people waiting to get their fruit cocktail at a buffet?

A punch line

Why couldn't I take my cocktail home with me?

It was a little Old Fashioned.

Bros, friends, amigos... If she gives you this for her address, just go ahead and move on. Toss that cocktail napkin away. Move on. THere's other fish in the sea. (feel free to add to the list)

β€’ Drinkand Dr.

β€’ Vicious Circle

β€’ West 943,185th Street

β€’ Psycho Path

β€’ Peoples Ct.

β€’ Nofriggin Way

I bought a Molotov Cocktail today

It was $850 and they called it the Note 7

What do you call a rioting Jew?

A Mazel Tov Cocktail

Tried a make a cocktail a couple times...

I got mixed results.

Descartes Takes a Flight

The flight attendants says, "M. Descartes, would you care for a cocktail?" Descartes says, "I think not," and disappears.

What's Donald Trump's favourite cocktail?

Sex on the bleach.

What's a Jewish pyromaniac's favorite explosive?

A Mazeltov Cocktail

Last time I took a girl out and tried to kiss her she threw her cocktail in my face.

I wouldn't have been so sour about the evening if the drinks hadn't been on me.

What's Vladimir Putin's favorite drink?

A Molotov cocktail

What do you call a Jewish incendiary device?

A mazal tov cocktail

What do you call a Jewish makeshift incendiary bomb?

A mazel-tov cocktail.

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a cocktail.

The bartender replies, "we don't serve noble gases."
Helium does not react.

I need a cocktail

hold the tail.

Have you tried that new cocktail called Hurricane Sandy?

It's just a watered down Manhattan.

Why won't they serve black russians at White House cocktail parties?

Because there isn't, and never was, any kahluasion.

What do you call a cocktail of vodka, orange juice, sloe gin, and southern comfort?

A slow, comfortable, screw.

I'm planning on opening a combined cocktail bar and waxing salon.

I'm going to call it "Gin and Bare It".

I wonder why they call them cocktail peanuts...

Because I guess (liquor peanuts) isn't as catchy.

What's Jared Fogles favourite Vietnamese cocktail?

Sum yung gai

What is a sure way to get a girl at a bar?

Order a Cosbypolitan cocktail

A termite walks into a cocktail lounge...

and asks a customer, "Is the bartender here?"

A cocktail walks into a bar and orders a drink

The bartender refused and said, "Sorry, we only serve neat drinks."

What do you call the signature drink at a Jewish wedding?

A Mazel tov cocktail!

A nerd walked into my Bio class today sipping a full martini glass...

Me: Why did you decide to bring alcohol into class??
Nerd: I needed to prove that I was more of a daredevil than I get credit for.
Me: Well what's in the glass then?
Nerd: Ahh, its a little cocktail I call the "Jellyfish".
Me: Why do you call it that?
Nerd: Because its 98% water...

What do you call a Jewish explosive?

A mazel tov cocktail

There is an abundance of beverage jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 46 funniest jokes and cocktail puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any draught witze you can hear about cocktail.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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