Cocktail Jokes

83 cocktail jokes and hilarious cocktail puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cocktail that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

With these hilarious cockail jokes, you can ensure an enjoyable evening at the next cocktail party you attend! From gin and daiquiri jokes to cocktail making and cocktail napkins with a bit of Cosbypolitan, these cocktail jokes will be sure to bring a smile to your party-goers. Don't forget the cocktail sausages either!

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Funniest Cocktail Short Jokes

Short cocktail jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cocktail humour may include short crepe jokes also.

  1. My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal." Now he's behind bars.
  2. A White Horse Walks Into a Bar A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a cocktail named after you!". "What?", says the horse, "Steve?".
    \-heard from Alan Davies on Q.I.
  3. New York City has a new cocktail commemorating Ida. It's just a Manhattan, but watered down. #WayTooSoon
  4. My friend told me that If he wasn't mixing cocktails, he'd be a criminal. Either way, he's behind bars.
  5. Created a new cocktail. Rye whiskey, Gosling's Ginger Beer, and garnished with jalapeño It's called the Rye n' Gosling, and it's the hottest drink I make
  6. Did you hear they recently opened a bar on the moon? The cocktails are great, but it has no atmosphere.
  7. At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself… This is a really weird punchline.
  8. A woman sits in a bar and orders a cocktail named "Double Enténdre" So the barkeeper gives it to her.
  9. What disease do you have if you're great at making cocktails, but terrible at stealing tambourines? Parkinsons
  10. What's the difference between a complimentary cocktail and a significant brain surgery? One is a free bottle in front of me, and the other is a pre-frontal lobotomy

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Cocktail One Liners

Which cocktail one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cocktail? I can suggest the ones about martini and pong.

  1. What do Jews throw when they riot? Mozeltov Cocktails
  2. How do you make a Tupac cocktail? Start by putting six shots in it.
  3. I got a court summons along with my cocktail It was a subpoena colada
  4. What is an English teacher's favourite cocktail? Tequila Mockingbird
  5. Did you know that Harper Lee invented a cocktail? It was the tequila Mockingbird.
  6. What drinks do they serve after a circumcision? cocktails.
  7. I invented a new cocktail... The reviews were mixed.
  8. What do Jewish rioters use to start fires? Mazel tov cocktails
  9. What's a particle physicist's favourite cocktail? A Large Hadron Colada.
  10. What is Harper Lee's favorite cocktail? Tequila Mockingbird
  11. Whaddya call a flaming Jewish Congratulatory Drink? A Mazel Tov Cocktail!
  12. What do you get when a gay man tucks his weenier between his legs A fruit cocktail.
  13. Why couldn't I take my cocktail home with me? It was a little Old Fashioned.
  14. I bought a Molotov Cocktail today It was $850 and they called it the Note 7
  15. What do you call a rioting Jew? A Mazel Tov Cocktail

Cocktail Party Jokes

Here is a list of funny cocktail party jokes and even better cocktail party puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why won't they serve black russians at White House cocktail parties? Because there isn't, and never was, any kahluasion.
  • Did you hear about the shrimp who want to prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a Mussel
  • It's quite difficult to feed the Swiss at cocktail party They refuse to take sides
  • At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.
  • TIL you don't throw a cocktail party... And ask them to bring shrimp on the way.

Cocktail Making Jokes

Here is a list of funny cocktail making jokes and even better cocktail making puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Tried a make a cocktail a couple times... I got mixed results.
  • They call me cocktail, and not because of the drinks I make ^^^^but ^^^^because ^^^^of ^^^^my ^^^^body
  • My friend attempted to make a cocktail... but she didn't have the Bols.
  • I once tried to make a cocktail with v**... and prune juice. I called it a piledriver.
Cocktail joke, I once tried to make a cocktail with v**... and prune juice.

Cocktail Sausage Jokes

Here is a list of funny cocktail sausage jokes and even better cocktail sausage puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I invented a new drink today; basically you start with a Shirley Temple and put a really old cocktail sausage in it. I call it the "Judge Roy Moore".
Cocktail joke, I invented a new drink today; basically you start with a Shirley Temple and put a really old cocktai

Humorous Cocktail Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life

What funny jokes about cocktail you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean meal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cocktail pranks.

At a cocktail party...

an obstetrician's wife noticed that another guest, a big, oversexed blonde in a slinky red dress, was making overtures at her husband. As it was a large, informal gathering, she tried to laugh it off, until she saw the woman begin whispering into her husband's ear while her hand caressed his back.
At once she confronted the blonde b**... and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Two women are talking at a cocktail party

One woman asks, "I noticed that you are wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger, do you usually wear it that way?"
The woman asks, "Why?"
"Because I married the wrong man."

d**... is probably an alcoholic.

He's always got a cocktail.

What do you call a Jewish incendiary device?

A mazal tov cocktail

Did you hear about the riot at the bar mitzvah reception?

There were mazel tov cocktails everywhere!

A nerd walked into my Bio class today sipping a full martini glass...

Me: Why did you decide to bring alcohol into class??
Nerd: I needed to prove that I was more of a daredevil than I get credit for.
Me: Well what's in the glass then?
Nerd: Ahh, its a little cocktail I call the "Jellyfish".
Me: Why do you call it that?
Nerd: Because its 98% water...

The hurricane Sandy.

A guy goes to a bar and looks at the drink menu to see if he can try a new cocktail that he never had before. He noticed there is a drink on the menu named "hurricane Sandy." The guy never heard of it before so he asks the bartender what is it. The bartender replied "It's a watered down Manhattan."

So a screwdriver goes into a bar...

And the barman says "Hey we have a cocktail here named after you" and the screwdriver says "What? Clarence??"

Have you tried that new cocktail called Hurricane Sandy?

It's just a watered down Manhattan.

Did you hear about the Rabbi who made his own fireworks? He called them

Mazel Tov Cocktails
^(I am **so** sorry)
^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out.

What does a arsonist and a bartender have in common?

For special occasions, their cocktails are on the house.

What's a Jewish pyromaniac's favorite explosive?

A Mazeltov Cocktail

What do rioting jewish people throw?

Mazel tov cocktails

What does the Israeli Defense Force call their firebombs?

Mazel-tov Cocktails

What do you call a group of people waiting to get their fruit cocktail at a buffet?

A punch line

Bros, friends, amigos... If she gives you this for her address, just go ahead and move on. Toss that cocktail napkin away. Move on. THere's other fish in the sea. (feel free to add to the list)

• Drinkand Dr.
• Vicious Circle
• West 943,185th Street
• Psycho Path
• Peoples Ct.
• Nofriggin Way

A lawyer and a doctor area at a cocktail party

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately. The gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.
It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?
Absolutely says the lawyer. I think it's perfectly fine.
The following week the doctor then gets a bill from the attorney.

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

What do you call a Jewish makeshift incendiary bomb?

A mazel-tov cocktail.

Descartes Takes a Flight

The flight attendants says, "M. Descartes, would you care for a cocktail?" Descartes says, "I think not," and disappears.

A man walks into a Bar.

A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Why won't Obi-Wan mix you a v**... cocktail?

Only a Sith deals in Absoluts.

My girlfriend asked me if she was ugly, so I threw a molotov cocktail at her.

It's safe to say she's much hotter now.

What's Vladimir Putin's favorite drink?

A Molotov cocktail

A Rooster With No Feathers on His r**... Walks into a Bar.....

Bartender: Can I help you?
Bird: I understand you have cocktails

Last time I took a girl out and tried to kiss her she threw her cocktail in my face.

I wouldn't have been so sour about the evening if the drinks hadn't been on me.


A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff v**...." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir.

My Russian pal is such a hopeless drunk that he joined the Red Army just to go to Ukraine

He heard that in the land of Ukraine, cocktails literally fall from the sky.

Years of bad luck

A cocktail glass states, "If you break me, you'll receive 1 year of bad luck".
A mirror replied, "Yeah, well if you break me, you'll receive 7 years of bad luck".
c**... "HA HA HA HA"

What did the Spanish scientist say when asked if he wanted lime in his cocktail?

A mi no acid.

Cocktail joke, I got a court summons along with my cocktail

jokes about cocktail