cockpit Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cockpit puns

The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.

As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,



Why did you become a pilot?



To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.



Flying? the pilot asks




No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.

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My dad is a pilot and he told me this joke.

Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit, talking, when they realize they are flying over a huge crater.
"Wow, what a beautiful sight," says the first pilot.
"It is, isn't it?" the other pilot replies.
Then a flight attended joins them.
"Sir, what are we flying over?" she asks the first pilot.
"It's a crater. A meteor crashed into the earth and left that giant hole."
"Wow," replies the flight attendant. "And what's that building right next to it?"
"That's the visitors center," the second pilot says.
"Phew," she says. "They really got lucky, didn't they?"

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What do an airplane and a girl have in common?

A cockpit

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A blonde boards a plane to Miami...

A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"

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I was on an airplane

and the Captain was doing his usual spiel, "We're cruising at so and so feet, over the Pacific Ocean, yada yada".

When he was finished, he turned to speak to his co-pilot, forgetting that he was still broadcasting to the entire plane, saying, "You know what I could use right now? A cup of coffee and a good blowjob."

Mortified, a stewardess ran toward the cockpit to inform him that the intercom was still on.

Seeing her hurrying down the aisle, a passenger shouted, "Don't forget the coffee!"


Saw this in the movie Good Will Hunting, tried to remember how it went best I could :)

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Cockpit duties

Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could
visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first
what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his
responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he
was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system
problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that
as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the
functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked
"Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my
fucking advice, he'll ask me."

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I was on a plane the other day

The captain was giving his usual intercom speech about flying at 30,000ft etc.

Once he's done he puts the mic down, but the button stays on by accident, and the captain can be heard over the speaker talking to his co-pilot saying 'man I could really just go for a blowjob and a coffee right now.'

Suddenly one of the Stewardess' comes flying down the aisle up to the cockpit to inform the captain.

As she passes by I make sure to tell her, 'hey miss don't forget the coffee!'



Stolen from Good Will Hunting

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So I'm riding on a plane.....

.....and the captain is talking to us on the loudspeaker about the weather and all of that stuff. He then proceeds to say, "You know what I could use? A blowjob and some coffee." without realizing the intercom is still turned on. The stewardess begins walking towards the cockpit to inform him that he left the intercom on, and I hear someone say, "Don't forget the coffee!"

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A plane gets hijacked by a couple of terrorists

The head terrorist is in the cockpit with the pilot. He demands that the pilot takes them to a free country or else the entire plane will blow up.

The pilot retorts: " This is an airliner, not a spaceship!"

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A pilot forgets his mic open

And goes: "Oh man, I'm gonna take a huge shit and bang that hostess."

Everybody hears it. The hostess runs to the cockpit to warn the pilot about the mic, chucks down. A passenger says: "Don't rush sweetie, he's gonna take a huge shit first."

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The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised the when the pilots arrive.

The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised when the pilots arrive.

The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.

The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.

Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a sh*t first."

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A monk, a lawyer, a priest, and a kid....

...are in a small airplane. The sole pilot storms out of the cockpit, throws a chute on the floor and yells "We're going down! I'm bailing out, here's the one other parachute!" He jumps out of the plane and the monk says "We must spare the child", the lawyer says "Fuck the kid!", and the priest says "Do you think we have time?"

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I was at the grocery store with my gpa when a couple girls in super short skirts walked by....

Gpa said, looks at those jet skirts, as we both admired the two ladies. I had to know, what's a jet skirt? Gpa replied, it's a skirt so short that when they bend over you can see the cockpit.

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An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man are all flying on a plane....

When the captain comes out of the cockpit and yells that they've lost an engine and need to lose any excess weight immediately. The Chinese man throws a bag of rice out of the plane and says "in my country we have too much rice." The Mexican man follows the Chinese man and throws out a bag of beans and says "well in my country we have too many beans." The American man, not wanting to be left out, goes to the back of the plane. He grabbed the Mexican man and threw him out of the plane and says "....that bastard fucked my wife!"

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Passengers aboard an airplane watched nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

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Fright Flight

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane.

Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind.

There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit.

More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.

The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff.

As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!!

The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway.

The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

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A plane was about to take off when a man burst out of the cockpit naked, yelling

"this is your captain streaking"

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A priest, a lawyer, and an alter boy are on a plane...

...and the plane is crashing. Suddenly the pilot comes out of the cockpit and says to the three of them, "Alright, we're going down and I only have three parachutes, I'm taking one, it's up to you guys to figure out who gets the other two."

The lawyer says: "I have my own successful firm with many rich and important clients. I drive a big car, live in a big house, *I need one of those fucking parachutes!*"

The priest says: "Well, I'm a pillar of my community, my flock looks to me for guidance on issues big and small. Without me, what would they do? *I certainly deserve a parachute*."

The pilot nods, looking over the three passengers and says "Ok, that all makes sense but what about the alter boy?" The lawyer, starting to panic screams, "*FUCK THE ALTER BOY!!!*" and the priest asks...


"...do you think we have time?"

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A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot...

"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."

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Why did the Wright brothers turn their aircraft 90 degrees west when their dad walked in the cockpit?

because three Wrights make a left.

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Two blind pilots

Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...

Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their seats. The pilots went into the cockpit and shut the door behind them. The engines started up, and everything seemed to be going as planned, so the passengers went back to their magazines and forgot about the two blind pilots in the cockpit.

As the plane roared down the runway getting closer and closer to the water at the end, the passengers quickly became worried and started to scream and yell out. With that, the plane lifted smoothly off the ground and into the air. The passengers again went back to their magazines and in the cockpit, the pilot says to the co-pilot: "One day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"

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A pilot steps out of the cockpit and speaks to the cabin through the PA

"Ladies and gentlemen I need a huge favor from you. My wife just called me that her mother is on her way through security and needs a last minute seat to come with me to Atlanta for a last minute event. She flies for free with my buddy passes. I see some of you are still trying to find a seat. This flight is completely full, so if you could please store your bags, find those remaining empty middle seats and settle in and clear the aisle as quickly as possible, hopefully we can close the aircraft door and push back before my mother-in-law gets here".

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here .

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here .

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde .

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, Oh, I'm sorry and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, First class isn't going to Sydney




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All I could use right now is some coffee and a....

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know what I'd really want now? A cup of coffee and a nice blowjob." So now, a stewardess is panicking and makes a run for the cockpit to make him turn it off. As she's running, one of the passengers say "Don't forget the coffee!"

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Have you heard of airplane skirts?

They're so short, you can see the cockpit.

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I was on an airplane..

So we take off and pilot says his spiel about cruising altitudes and things. He forgets to turn his mic off and turns to
his co-pilot and says, "Right now I could use a blow-job and a cup of coffee."

The flight attendant runs to cockpit to tell him his mic is on and I yell, " Don't forget the coffee."

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Pilot's Message

After delivering a message over the plane's loudspeaker, an airline pilot did not realize the microphone was still on. He looks over to the co-pilot and instructs, Take over for a little bit, I'm going to take a shit and bang the flight attendant. Outraged that the pilot had mistakenly relayed his message to everyone on the plane, the flight attendant bolts down the aisle of the plane towards the cockpit. To her dismay, she trips over an old lady's leg who immediately reacts by saying, Why the rush, dear? You heard the man say he had to take a shit first!

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Hey girl are you a plane?

Because I want to get into your cockpit

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What does the spruce goose and my ex-wife have in common?

They've both got a gigantic cockpit. Fuckin whore.

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Two pilots with white canes proceed to enter their plane's cockpit...

Two pilots with white canes are on their way to their passenger plane's cockpit. They tap here and there with the stick and enter the cockpit. One of the passengers , a business man , notices and exclaims , " Hey , are those two pilots blind?!" . This arises panic between the passengers. Soon afterwards , the pilot announces " The plane is ready to take off , please fasten your seatbelts." About 2 minutes later , the plane accelerates and prepares to take off. The passengers shout " This plane is gonna drown , after the runway ends , there's nothing but a vast sea ahead!" . Just moments before the runway ends , the passengers shout in unison , but they notice that the plane is actually airborne and managed to succeed in taking off. Meanwhile , in the cockpit , the first pilot says to the other , " One of these days , they aren't gonna shout and we're all gonna die.."

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Airplane passengers watch nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

 

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.

 

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

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As a kid I used to get so excited to see the cockpit on the plane

As a kid I used to get so excited to see the cockpit on the plane. I would always sit on the isle seat and wait for the cockpit door to open. Sometime the flight attendant will get in the way and block your view, you know bend over in a sexy way sorting stuff or helping someone .so I say to her "HEY MOVE! I WANT TO SEE THE PLANES COCKPIT NOT YOURS"



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What do a condom and a fighter jet have in common?

A cockpit.

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What does a woman and a plane have in common?

The cockpit.

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What are the most funny Cockpit jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cockpit? Well, here are the best Cockpit dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cockpit pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes