Cockpit Jokes
59 cockpit jokes and hilarious cockpit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cockpit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is full of hilarious jokes that will have you laughing out loud in your cockpit.
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Funniest Cockpit Short Jokes
Short cockpit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cockpit humour may include short cabin jokes also.
- Why did the Wright brothers turn their aircraft 90 degrees west when their dad walked in the cockpit? because three Wrights make a left.
- One of the reasons for the low number of female pilots has been found to be.. the cockpit !
- What's common to the cockpit of a modern fighter aircraft and the inside of a headhunter's hut? The heads-up display
- A pilot and his co-pilot go on a blind date with the same stewardess. Let's just say more than one cockpit was being occupied that night.
- You know about those new catheters designed for use on an airplane? you stick them in the cockpit
- Captain Oveur: Say Joey, you ever been in a cockpit before? Joey: No Sir, but I have been in a chicken coop.
- the new United Airlines Olympics commercial is really good But they forgot the part where Ryan Lochte kicks down the cockpit door and pees all over the flight deck.
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Cockpit One Liners
Which cockpit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cockpit? I can suggest the ones about copilot and crew.
- What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female? The box office.
- What do an airplane and a girl have in common? A cockpit
- Have you heard of airplane skirts? They're so short, you can see the cockpit.
- Hey girl are you a plane? Because I want to get into your cockpit
- How are airplanes and women alike? They both have cockpits.
- What do you call a pilot's wife? The Cockpit
- Where do airplanes come from? The cockpit.
- What do you call a gay mosh club for pilots? The cockpit
- What's every gay man's dream job? To be a pilot so we can work in the cockpit.
- What's a Muslim women in the cockpit of an airplane called... A pilot
- How did they keep the pilot out of the cockpit? With an Allahu Lockbar.
- What does a blonde and a 747 have in common? A large cockpit
- What do you call a s**... stewardess? The cockpit.
- What do a c**... and a fighter jet have in common? A cockpit.
- What separates three w**... from two alcoholics? The cockpit door!
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Cockpit Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about cockpit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pilot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cockpit pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two pilots were accused of s**... harassment.
HR said a female pilot complained about the way they were joking and saying cockpit during the flight. Looking relieved they both got up to leave. HR quickly asks where there going when one pilots says "we don't have a problem, we'll apologize, and we'll never use the term cockpit again. That was totally insensitive of us. From here on out we'll just call it a sky box."
Two blind pilots
Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...
Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their seats. The pilots went into the cockpit and shut the door behind them. The engines started up, and everything seemed to be going as planned, so the passengers went back to their magazines and forgot about the two blind pilots in the cockpit.
As the plane roared down the runway getting closer and closer to the water at the end, the passengers quickly became worried and started to scream and yell out. With that, the plane lifted smoothly off the ground and into the air. The passengers again went back to their magazines and in the cockpit, the pilot says to the co-pilot: "One day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a kid I used to get so excited to see the cockpit on the plane
As a kid I used to get so excited to see the cockpit on the plane. I would always sit on the isle seat and wait for the cockpit door to open. Sometime the flight attendant will get in the way and block your view, you know bend over in a s**... way sorting stuff or helping someone .so I say to her "HEY MOVE! I WANT TO SEE THE PLANES COCKPIT NOT YOURS"
Two pilots walk into their plane from the back...
They're wearing dark glasses and each of them has a white cane. They stumble down the aisle tapping their canes and eventually make it to the cockpit.
Naturally the passengers whom they've passed are a bit uneasy, but nobody says anything.
Within 15 minutes the plane begins to move.
The plane taxis down the runway gaining speed. However, they don't take off.
Passengers are looking out the window at the nearing end of the runway. As they get closer and closer one woman lets out a bloodcurling scream, prompting many others to do the same.
At that exact moment the plane takes off.
In the cockpit one of the blind pilots says to the other "one of these days they're not gonna scream..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A plane gets hijacked by a couple of terrorists
The head t**... is in the cockpit with the pilot. He demands that the pilot takes them to a free country or else the entire plane will blow up.
The pilot retorts: " This is an airliner, not a spaceship!"
Fright Flight
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane.
Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind.
There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and go into the cockpit.
More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.
The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff.
As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!!
The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway.
The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"
So a fully booked plane is flying over the ocean.
Everyone is comfortably settled in watching a movie, reading a book or sleeping.
Suddenly the cockpit door opens and the captain steps out, with a parachute on his back. Trying to draw as less attention as possible he starts making his way to the back of the plane. But of course the passengers see this, confused looks everywhere, people start to whisper until one man addresses the captain loudly:
"Sir, is there a problem? Is something wrong?"
"No, no, don't worry", says the captain, "everything will be fine, I'm on my way to get some help."
John von Neumann and Stanislaw Ulam are flying first class to Vienna...
... when suddenly the plan pitches forward and starts hurtling downward. Looking around, they see nobody else who knows what to do, so they enter the cockpit and find the pilot and copilot slumped over unconscious. Ulam sits down at the controls and starts looking them over. "Do something, do something!" screams von Neumann. "We're about to die!"
"Calm down and give me a minute," says Ulam. "I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane!"
I was at the grocery store with my gpa when a couple girls in super short skirts walked by....
Gpa said, looks at those jet skirts, as we both admired the two ladies. I had to know, what's a jet skirt? Gpa replied, it's a skirt so short that when they bend over you can see the cockpit.
A little kid on a plane asks a flight attendant, "How come people can have babies, but planes can't have baby planes?"
The flight attendant tells the kid that is a question for the pilot.
She takes the kid to the cockpit and introduces the child to pilot and tells him to ask his question.
The kid asks the pilot "Why do people have babies but planes don't have baby planes?"
The pilot responds, "I can't speak for the other airlines, but this one always pulls out on time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a pilot call his u**...?
A cockpit.
A blonde boards a plane to Miami...
A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot...
"Wow, there's so many b**... and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
A pilot steps out of the cockpit and speaks to the cabin through the PA
"Ladies and gentlemen I need a huge favor from you. My wife just called me that her mother is on her way through security and needs a last minute seat to come with me to Atlanta for a last minute event. She flies for free with my buddy passes. I see some of you are still trying to find a seat. This flight is completely full, so if you could please store your bags, find those remaining empty middle seats and settle in and clear the aisle as quickly as possible, hopefully we can close the aircraft door and push back before my mother-in-law gets here".
Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit, talking, when they realize they are flying over a huge crater.
"Wow, what a beautiful sight," says the first pilot.
"It is, isn't it?" the other pilot replies.
Then a flight attended joins them.
"Sir, what are we flying over?" she asks the first pilot.
"It's a crater. A meteor crashed into the earth and left that giant hole."
"Wow," replies the flight attendant. "And what's that building right next to it?"
"That's the visitors center," the second pilot says.
"Phew," she says. "They really got lucky, didn't they?"
Passengers aboard an airplane watched nervously
As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.
The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.
"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a male s**... club?
A cockpit!
The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.
As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,
Why did you become a pilot?
To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.
Flying? the pilot asks
No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A plane was about to take off when a man burst out of the cockpit n**..., yelling
"this is your captain streaking"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A plane is about to c**....
The pilot comes out of the cockpit, and solemnly addresses the passengers.
"The plane is going to c**.... There are 286 passengers, but only 285 parachutes. Does anybody know how to pray?"
A minister in the middle row raises his hand.
"Good." The pilot says. "You start praying. The rest of us will take the parachutes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde joke
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the c**...-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Jeff Bezoz on a plane with Donald Trump
Jeff Bezoz and Donald Trump Are on a plane. Jeff says "I could drop a dollar bill to the ground and make one person happy. Donald Tump says "I could drop 100 dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy." . Pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and make 7 billion people happy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cat was sat next to me on the airplane
I was on an airplane and noticed a cat sat two seats over from me with a balaclava on, all of a sudden he gets up, walks to the cockpit, pulls a knife and puts it to the pilot's t**....
pilot says "what the h**...'s going on?"
cat replies "take me to the canaries"
