cock Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cock puns

I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!


Just relax. I said, You might like it.


Relax? she screamed, What the fuck is Dave doing here?

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I once dated a girl with a twin.

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

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I once dated a girl with a twin

People ask me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and bob had a cock

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I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

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So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

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A farmer buys a young cock...

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

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Difference between twins

I've fucked a set of twins.
People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits,
And frank had a cock.

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My friends say I'm gay for not liking sports...

Idiots. I'm gay because I like cock

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I slept with a Blind Girl

She kept telling me how huge my cock was but I'm pretty sure she was just pulling my leg.

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A guy walks into a clock shop...

He unzips his pants and plops his dick on the counter.

The lady behind the counter say "sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop."
He say, "I know, I'd like for you to put two hands and a face on this."

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Fucked a girl with one leg

Should've used my cock

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You can catch a thousand fish and your friends will never call you a fisherman...

But if you suck just one cock...

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Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens!

Well that's 8 month's of training wasted.

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I took a girl home from the club last night

as we got inside the house i said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we"

I locked the door and said, "No, i'm going to cut off your feet."

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I accidentally sent a picture of my cock to everyone in my address book the other day...

It cost me a fortune in stamps.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic, homosexual rooster?

Dude'll do a cock!

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on the eve of our anniversary....

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

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I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens...

That's 12 months of training gone to waste.

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I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

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A guy asked his wife, honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror.

She replies, cuz your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

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Fuck, got some shitty news today..

Found out that cock fighting is done with roosters.
Six months of training wasted.

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I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie....

Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"

"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."

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"Very little scares me," said my new girlfriend

"Great," I thought to myself, "She's going to be terrified when she sees my cock."

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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the window..

Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry; that was an insect". To which, her daughter replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that".

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So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"

So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.

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I walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"

I said, "That's mine."

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If a lesbian cock blocks another lesbian

Is it considered a Beaver dam?

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How do you cock block two lesbians?

With a rock, because rock beats scissors.

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A man walks into a pub and asks the bartender to tell him a story about penises

The bartender says 'Sorry, mate, we don't do cock tales here'

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A dildo hits a family car...

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

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Catholic priest joke

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening, one of them went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering the priest asked:

-Who has a cock?

All the men got up

-No, I mean who has seen a cock?

All the men and women got up

-No, no, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?

All the women got up

-Oh, for heavens sake, who has seen my cock

All the nuns got up

The boys choir, also, slowly got up

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A Farmer buys a young Cock.......

A Farmer buys a young Cock.
As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead & Vultures circling over it's head.
Farmer Says: U Horny bastard u deserve this!
The Cock opens 1 eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land...!

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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At noon cock again screws 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" Cock opens one eye, points up and says, "shhh! They're about to land!"

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Tug it

A couple is laying in bed. The man turns to his wife and says "Honey, I think we should work out a system to determine whether you want to have sex. On any given night, reach over, and grab my cock. If you want to have sex, give it a tug. And if you don't want to have sex, tug it 100 times."

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What are the most funny Cock jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cock? Well, here are the best Cock dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cock pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes