cocaine Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cocaine puns

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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My Cocaine Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

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I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine

But I need a line to end it.
-Matt Melvin
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Cocaine is never a solution...

Unless it's dissolved in water.

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My local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...

...that he was a barber.

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How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

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I remember when I worked at the United Nations

And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

Of course, I called him immediately.

"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

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Cocaine isn't addictive

I've been doing it for 5 years i would know

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"Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."

"10 kilograms you say?"

"Yeah, 5 kilograms"

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I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

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There was a knock at my door.

I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for marijuana.

I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way."

"Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"

I said, "Because you might find the cocaine."

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My friends all say I'm a cocaine addict, but I disagree.

I just like the smell.

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Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo

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- Doctor, I want to live very old

- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?

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How much cocaine can a smuggler sneak into prison?

a buttload.

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My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

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Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

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Why is cocaine the alt-right's favorite drug?

White powder!

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I hate cocaine dealers.

Always sticking their business into other peoples noses.

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Sex with my wife has depreciated like Coca Cola

"Cocaine", "Caffeine", "Light" and now "Zero"

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Do you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen uses ?

Enough to kill two and half a man.

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I'm not addicted to cocaine

I just love the way it smells.

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I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time.

"Excuse me, I just need the toilet," I said, excusing myself from the table.

"Don't forget to spray the air freshener!" joked the dad.

I said, "No need. Cocaine doesn't smell."

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I have never done cocaine

but it smells amazing!

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Wanna hear a joke about overdosing on cocaine?

I can't remember all of it, but the last line's a killer.

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Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

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I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine...

But I need a line to finish it.

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How much cocaine has charley sheen snorted?

Enough to kill two and a half men

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I phoned the Drugs Awareness helpline today.

"Can I speak to the Cocaine Councillor please" I asked. "You'll have to wait" he replied,"he's on another line."

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My boss fired an employee unexpectedly today and everyone wants to know why...

I think it's because he was caught with a bag of cocaine. But regardless, our boss told us to keep our noses out of it.

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With petrol prices now at £1.30 a litre

...it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead

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What's the difference between a pound of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a pound of coke fall out of a window

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I just got a part in the movie Cocaine

It only has one line.

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Doctor: the test results came back...

...and you've tested positive for opiates...

Patient: I ate a bagel this morning.

Doctor: ...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you're pregnant.

Patient: it was an everything bagel.

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What are the best Cocaine puns ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cocaine? Well, here are the best Cocaine dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Cocaine pick up lines to share with friends.

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