coast Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious coast stories

What are the best coast puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Coast? Well here is a complete list of the top coast jokes:

Why does the Coast Guard have a 6 foot height requirement?

So when their ship sinks they can walk back to shore.

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Why couldn't the Coast Guard save the hippie?

Because he was wayyy far out man.

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This Halloween on the East Coast

I heard a lot of people are going to be the Scorpions this Halloween.
Because we're gonna get rocked like a hurricane.

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Sandy sounds like a slut

I don't know who this "Sandy" girl is,but she sounds like a slut. She's blowing everyone on the east coast

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Wrong Approach..

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says: "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says: "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'... she never even stirs!"

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That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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An old goody

A plane goes down in the middle of the Africa and has only one survivor, a man who is mostly unscathed. He begins to trek to the coast, figuring it his best chance to find people.

Less than two hours later a tribe of a few dozen pygmies surrounds the man, brandishing crude spears and screaming at him in a language he doesn't understand. The man, after trying and failing to communicate, says "God, I'm fucked now."

Then a voice booms from the heavens. "NO YOU'RE NOT! GRAB THE SPEAR OUT OF THE CHIEF'S HANDS AND STAB HIM WITH IT!" The man jumps back, looking up. "Who are you?" "I AM GOD!"

So the man leaps forward and wrestles the spear away from the leader of the tribe, slamming the head into the man's chest and tipping him back. He then holds it before him as the tribe begins to close in.

"God, god! What now?!"

"**NOW** YOU'RE FUCKED!"

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Stable bulls

One for the old folks...

Along the coast in California, there is a large dairy herds that graze the hillsides. The sun and the rain produce wonderful pastureland. The best eating was at the tops of the hills, but when the ocean breezes turn to gales, the cows are often blown right off their feet. So mostly, they huddled in the valleys, picking over what they could find.

The bulls on the other hand, enjoyed the tender shoots at the top of the hills. The wind, and even the occasional tremor seem to have no affect on them. This caused not just a little muttering and consternation among the cows.

One particularly windy day, the bravest (and hungriest) of the females struggled to the top of the hill to talk to the bulls. She fell over twice on the way up, but she was determined to find out their secret. "How do you guys stand up here?" she asked.

Looking up from a particularly sweet patch of clover, the oldest one said "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A married couple is lying in bed at midnight....

...she's half asleep, the husband is reading the newspaper, when the phone rings. The husband picks it up.

"Hello? No, sorry, I think you've got the wrong number.... no, I think you meant to call the local Coast Guard station... yup, that's right... no, I couldn't tell you the number, I don't have it handy, but I'm sure you could find it in the phone book... no problem at all, don't mention it... no no no, don't worry about it, you didn't wake me... ok, you have a good night yourself."

He hangs up the phone and his wife asks
"Who was it?"

And the guy responds
"Nah no one, just some guy asking if the coast was clear."

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There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.....

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

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I met a mermaid

Once, while boating off the Oregon coast a mermaid came to my boat. To my amazement, it began to hit on me. As a married man, I had to resist the temptation.

The mermaid asked, "I have met many men out here, and none have been able to resist my advancements. Why do you tell me No?"

To which I responded with, "Well, that's easy. You're only *half* the woman my wife is."

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Penguin visits the desert.

A penguin living on the southernmost tip of South America decides he's been freezing his ass off for far too long. He decides to rent a car and take a road trip up the West coast to warmer destinations. Eventually he winds up in San Diego, where he sees a sign for Las Vegas and decides he'd like to find out what all the fuss is about. So he's driving his rental across the desert, when smoke starts to pour out of the hood. Cursing, he looks over to realize that he's right next to a service station with a few convenient shops nearby. He explains his situation to the mechanic on duty, and he heads to an ice cream stand (the heat is finally getting to him). The ice cream is delicious, but with his little flippers, the penguin is making a bit of a mess, and ends up with his face pretty coated. As he returns to the mechanic shop, the man is there and says, "I think I figured out what's going on...it looks like you blew a seal. but the penguin quickly rubs off his face and explains, "no, no... I was just eating ice cream."

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

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A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night...

...when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

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One Wish

A man encounters a genie one day while walking through the woods and the genie says: "I will grant you a single wish."

The man thinks for a little bit and says: "I really like my job but my commute is terrible. I have to take a ferry every single morning because I live on an island off the coast of the city. It takes way too long. Can you build a bridge between the island I live on and the city where I work so I can drive there every morning?

The genie says; "I don't know about that. Bridges are really complicated to build and one that long is likely to be unstable or dangerous. Do you have any other wishes that are a little more realistic?"

So the man thinks for a little bit and say: "My whole life I've never understood how women think. Can you help me understand women?

The genie then says: "So when do you want me to start building that bridge?"

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A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)

They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.

Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its troubling to see you so distraught because you are a very loyal husband, because you have a great relationship with me i am willing to help you. Name one thing you want and i will give it to you.

Terry looks around and is dumbfounded, "God?!" he asks. "Yes it is i, please what could you ever desire?" Terry thinks about it for a little bit and says, "I want a private highway to.... Japan, Italy, and Sweden." God asks Terry if he is sure about that, because that would use a lot of the worlds resources and could cause some serious problems. Terry realizes that wish would be very selfish, so he thinks for a minute and looks up to god and says "God? I know what i want". What is it Terry? Terry asks god to understand everything there is about women, so he can repair his problems with his wife.. God pauses for a minute and says to Terry "So was that highway 2 or 4 lanes?"

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Chuck Norris, Jesus and Buddah are sailing a boat on the sea

As they draw closer to the coast, Jesus stands up, gets out of the boat and walks accross the sea. Chuck Norris follows suit, hops out of the boat and walks on the water as well. Eventually it's Buddahs turn. He gets up, and shivers a little.

Finaly the big man overcomes his fear, stands up, gets out of the boat and - drowns.

After that Jesus bends over to Chuck Norris, saying: "Don't you think, that was a little bit unfair? We could have told him where the stones are!"

Chuck Norris replied: "WTF, dude? Which stones?"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best coast jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 20 puns about coast. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty coast gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these coast jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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