coast Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious coast puns

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.

"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.

"It was a dictatorship."

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A married couple is asleep when the phone rings at 3AM.

The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."

The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"

"I don't know. Some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night...

...when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

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During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in.

The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. They share all they have with him and even throw a celebration that evening. The spy blends in perfectly, he speaks Russian with no accent, he knows all the songs, dances kazachok with the best of them and drinks all the Russians under the table with vodka.

At the end of the night, one of the villagers slaps him on the back and says with a wink: You know, Igor, we really like you! But we know that you're an American spy!

Igor becomes sad: But… I studied with the best, for years! What did I do wrong, how could you tell after just one day?!

But Igor, says the Russian with a smile, you're black!

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I sneaked onto a beach early this morning.

The coast was clear.

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A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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What do Kim Kardashian and Hurricane Sandy have in common?

They will both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV.

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A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

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What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV

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My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."

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A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Two married men were at the bar...

...the one looks at the clock and tells his friend, "I'm not looking forward to going home. My wife is going to chew me out again for being away drinking so late. Every time I'm out like this I try to sneak back home and into bed without waking her so she doesn't know how late I've been out. I turn off the car and coast into the driveway. I take off my shoes and enter through the side door. I even get changed in the bathroom and then try to slip into bed unnoticed. But she always wakes up and then I have to stay awake and give appropriate answers for the next 30 minutes of angry lecture."

"I never have that problem." says the friend. "I roar into the driveway and bring the car to a screeching halt, slam the front door shut as I come in, throw open the bedroom door, jump in bed with her and slap her butt and say, 'Guess who's horny?!' and then she pretends to be asleep."

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There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.....

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

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How does every racist joke start ?

:::Person about to tell joke checks surroundings to make sure coast is clear:::

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I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"

...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."

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An english boat is sinking near the German coast

The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".

The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"

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Wrong Approach..

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says: "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says: "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'... she never even stirs!"

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Coast Clear

Ben in bed with his wife...


His wife's mobile phone rings at 3AM; Ben answers it, then angrily says, "Fuck off and call the weather office!"

Wife asks, "Who was that?"

He replies, "Some jerk askin if the coast was clear!"

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A blonde, redhead, and black girl survive a plane crash at sea...

They all climb aboard a raft, and the blonde says "girls I know how to get us rescued." She then let's all her beautiful blonde hair out of her ponytail and say's "Men always find me because of my bright blonde hair, the coast guard men will find us in no time!" The redhead then decides to take her shirt off revealing her gigantic gorgeous breasts, "All the guys always stare at these, there's no chance that the coast guard men will not see us now!" The black girl then decides to take all her clothes off, lays on her back, and puts her legs behind her head. The blonde and the redhead are surprised, "what are you doing?!" The black girl says, "whenever a plane crashes, they always look for the black box first!"

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Husband and wife in bed at night

Husband and wife in bed at night. Husband's phone rings. Wife answers. Husband hears the wife say: "How the fuck should I know? We are two hundred miles inland!" Husbands asks: "What the fuck was that about?" The wife answers: "I don't know. Some dumb bitch wanted to know if the coast is clear!"

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An old goody

A plane goes down in the middle of the Africa and has only one survivor, a man who is mostly unscathed. He begins to trek to the coast, figuring it his best chance to find people.

Less than two hours later a tribe of a few dozen pygmies surrounds the man, brandishing crude spears and screaming at him in a language he doesn't understand. The man, after trying and failing to communicate, says "God, I'm fucked now."

Then a voice booms from the heavens. "NO YOU'RE NOT! GRAB THE SPEAR OUT OF THE CHIEF'S HANDS AND STAB HIM WITH IT!" The man jumps back, looking up. "Who are you?" "I AM GOD!"

So the man leaps forward and wrestles the spear away from the leader of the tribe, slamming the head into the man's chest and tipping him back. He then holds it before him as the tribe begins to close in.

"God, god! What now?!"

"**NOW** YOU'RE FUCKED!"

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A Texan went to an ivy league party on the East coast...

...and there's this group of fancy ladies standing around.

"Howdy," he said. "Which school did y'all go to?"

"Oh... Yale," one of them replied daintily.

'WHICH SCHOOL DID Y'ALL GO TO?!"

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A married couple is lying in bed at midnight....

...she's half asleep, the husband is reading the newspaper, when the phone rings. The husband picks it up.

"Hello? No, sorry, I think you've got the wrong number.... no, I think you meant to call the local Coast Guard station... yup, that's right... no, I couldn't tell you the number, I don't have it handy, but I'm sure you could find it in the phone book... no problem at all, don't mention it... no no no, don't worry about it, you didn't wake me... ok, you have a good night yourself."

He hangs up the phone and his wife asks
"Who was it?"

And the guy responds
"Nah no one, just some guy asking if the coast was clear."

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The cruise ship survivors

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

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When's the best time to come out of the closet?

When the coast is queer.

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I've always enjoyed the mind control jokes. Do you know any?

Here's a couple of my favorites:

Ask someone to:
Spell "roast."
Spell "coast."
Spell "most."

Then ask them: What do you put in a toaster?

(The answer, is "bread.")

Another: What does M-A-C-D-O-N-A-L-D spell? (MacDonald)
What does M-A-C-G-R-E-G-O-R spell? (MacGregor)
What does M-A-C-H-I-N-E-R-Y spell? (machinery, not Mac Hinery)

One more that always worked for me:

Point at a piece of paper and ask "what color is that?"
Answer: "white"
Spell "silk"
Now ask: "what do cows drink?"
They usually answer "milk!"
No, they drink water!

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A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)

They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.

Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its troubling to see you so distraught because you are a very loyal husband, because you have a great relationship with me i am willing to help you. Name one thing you want and i will give it to you.

Terry looks around and is dumbfounded, "God?!" he asks. "Yes it is i, please what could you ever desire?" Terry thinks about it for a little bit and says, "I want a private highway to.... Japan, Italy, and Sweden." God asks Terry if he is sure about that, because that would use a lot of the worlds resources and could cause some serious problems. Terry realizes that wish would be very selfish, so he thinks for a minute and looks up to god and says "God? I know what i want". What is it Terry? Terry asks god to understand everything there is about women, so he can repair his problems with his wife.. God pauses for a minute and says to Terry "So was that highway 2 or 4 lanes?"

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One Wish

A man encounters a genie one day while walking through the woods and the genie says: "I will grant you a single wish."

The man thinks for a little bit and says: "I really like my job but my commute is terrible. I have to take a ferry every single morning because I live on an island off the coast of the city. It takes way too long. Can you build a bridge between the island I live on and the city where I work so I can drive there every morning?

The genie says; "I don't know about that. Bridges are really complicated to build and one that long is likely to be unstable or dangerous. Do you have any other wishes that are a little more realistic?"

So the man thinks for a little bit and say: "My whole life I've never understood how women think. Can you help me understand women?

The genie then says: "So when do you want me to start building that bridge?"

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Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter...

I've fallen on some hard Times.

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German Coast Guard

An English ship was approaching the coast when suddenly they started taking on a lot of water. The captain decided to contact the coast guard for help.



**Captain**: Mayday Mayday, This is the English Pearl, we are sinking.



**German Coast Guard**: Sorry, may you please repeat?



**Captain**: This is the English Pearl and we are sinking.



After a few moments of silence...



**German Coast Guard**: What are you sinking about?

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so a man answers a phone call...

man - "I don't know, I live about ten miles from the ocean"
wife - "who was that? what did they want?"
man - "some asshole who wanted to know if the coast was clear"

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An English ship is sinking just off the German coast...

Mayday, mayday, we are sinking!

The German coast guard responds: Hello, zhis is ze German coast guard, whaz are you zinking about?

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I don't know what to do.

"I don't know what to do." a prospect says to a patch holder one night at the club bar. "Whenever I go out with the bros, I turn off my headlight, cut off the motor, and coast into the driveway. I take off my clothes in the bathroom, and then ease into bed, but my old lady wakes up and starts bitching at me for staying out late."
"Well, prospect, you're taking the wrong approach." the patch holder schooled the youngster. "I make a lot of noise with my Harley, I slam the garage door shut, I stomp up the stairs, I burp and fart as I enter the bedroom, jump into bed, grab my old lady's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob, babe?' and she is always sound asleep."

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Why didn't the coast guard save the hippy?

He was too far out!

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German life guard joke



A group of tourists were on a boat in hamburg when the engine exploded and created a fire in the bottom of the boat.

They quickly called up the German coast guard for the German Life. Who answered with "Ja, Hallo, dis is ze German Coast Guard, How can i help you?

They responded "Help we're sinking!"

The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

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That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Why does the Coast Guard have a 6 foot height requirement?

So when their ship sinks they can walk back to shore.

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A guy is sitting in the living room with his wife when the phone rings.

He picks it up, listens for a moment then says, "I don't know, maybe you should call the coast guard." "Who was that?," his wife asks when he hangs up.. "I'm not sure but they wanted to know if the coast is clear."

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The US Navy

Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

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What does Hurricane Harvey and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They will both blow the entire coast just to get on TV.

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My friends and I have a lot of fun riding jet skis That time we had a fatal crash on the coast was especially hilarious.

We littorally died.

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Guys wanna hear a military joke?

The coast guards

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Penguin visits the desert.

A penguin living on the southernmost tip of South America decides he's been freezing his ass off for far too long. He decides to rent a car and take a road trip up the West coast to warmer destinations. Eventually he winds up in San Diego, where he sees a sign for Las Vegas and decides he'd like to find out what all the fuss is about. So he's driving his rental across the desert, when smoke starts to pour out of the hood. Cursing, he looks over to realize that he's right next to a service station with a few convenient shops nearby. He explains his situation to the mechanic on duty, and he heads to an ice cream stand (the heat is finally getting to him). The ice cream is delicious, but with his little flippers, the penguin is making a bit of a mess, and ends up with his face pretty coated. As he returns to the mechanic shop, the man is there and says, "I think I figured out what's going on...it looks like you blew a seal. but the penguin quickly rubs off his face and explains, "no, no... I was just eating ice cream."

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I had trouble getting drunk off the coast of East Africa

Turns out Zanzibar is sans a bar.

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The Coast Guard recently changed their minimum height requirements to 6'.

That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore.

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Why couldn't the Coast Guard save the hippie?

Because he was wayyy far out man.

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A man is traveling to the coast of South Western Asia, and he asks his friend if she wants to go with him. She says:

"Yemen, shore."

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A British ship is sinking in the north sea and calls the nearest coast guard station.

The German coast guard station gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water and we are sinking. A minute passes and they get a response....Vell, vat are you sinking about?

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Why didn't the coast guard save the hippie?

He was just too far out there, man.

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Blonde joke

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are stuck on a desert island.

They know the nearest coast is 50 miles away.

The redhead swims 30 miles but gets tired and drowns.

The brunette swims 45 miles but gets tired and drowns.

The blonde swims 40 miles, gets tired and swims back to the island.

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This Halloween on the East Coast

I heard a lot of people are going to be the Scorpions this Halloween.
Because we're gonna get rocked like a hurricane.

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Sandy sounds like a slut

I don't know who this "Sandy" girl is,but she sounds like a slut. She's blowing everyone on the east coast

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California Roll

A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear.

Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block.

The cop pulls the guy out of the car and starts beating him.

The guy starts yelling "Stop! STOP!! What are you doing?! Stop!!!"

"Oh I'm sorry, did you want me to stop or slow down?"

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German Coast Guard

A Canadian ship is passing thru European waters. Suddenly, disaster strikes and they begin to take on water. The captain, in a panic, gets on his radio to send out an S.O.S. The only response he hears is the heavy accent of the German coast guard speaking broken English.

Captain: This is a Canadian merchant vessel requesting assistance!
Coast Guard: Yes, dis is za German coast guard. Vat is you emergency?
Captain: We are sinking, I repeat, we are sinking
Coast Guard: Good ya, Vat are you sinking about?

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A man gets a phone call at 2 in the morning...

He picks up the phone and listens before he starts screaming "No I don't know if the sea is fucking foggy", and hangs up.
"What was that about?" The mans wife asked.
"This guy was asking me if the coast was clear".

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A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn tried to swim from Norway to America on a dare. Ten miles from the Norwegian coast, the Swede gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. Fifty miles from the Norwegian coast, the Norwegian gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. The Finn had just caught sight of the American coast, when he sighed "I can't make it either..." and promptly swam back to Norway.

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Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station?

Not so good... Very boring it was. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking.

He was sinking?

Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied. How rude!

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The clear coast

A married couple is in bed asleep when the phone rings at 2AM.

The blonde wife answers and listens for a second and then shouts into the phone, "How should I know that's 150 miles from here!!!"

At that the husband rolls over and asks "who was that?"

The wife replied, "I don't know, some dumb woman wanting to know if the coast is clear!"

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The German Coast Guard receives a distress signal from an American ship...

The American captain says "Mayday! Mayday! We're sinking! I repeat, we are sinking!"

The German Coast Guard replies "Oh that's nice, what are you sinking about?"

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Some pirates are sailing off the coast of Madagascar

The captain points to the shore and says to his first mate:

"Do you see those crazy looking lemur things?"

To which the first mate replied:

"Aye aye, I eye aye-aye"

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When traveling the coast, a struggling merchant and his wife come accross a giant beached whale with gold coins oozing from its mouth. When his wife asked if they should take the gold for themselves, the merchant replied...

"Midas whale"

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Trump is planning on shifting his efforts to build a wall along the east coast.

He thinks it can keep Jose out.

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A short true tale about Ireland, quiz-shows and Hitler

Decades ago when I lived on the rocky coast of West Cork, there was a quiz show called "Quicksilver". It had a top prize of something like $1.25 (perhaps a bit more), and the contestants were just average people. In one show the contestant was asked for Hitler's first name. He thought about, smiled and said "Heil" He did not win his $1.25 but almost everyone in Ireland remembers the tale.

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My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

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Germans make the worst coast guards

Help help I'm sinking!
What are you sinking about?

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A couple was on their honeymoon

They decided to go for a ride on a stage coach. So they took a horse and a stage coach and went for a ride along the coast.

Suddenly the horse trips and almost falls down, shaking the stage coach, but keeps going. The man says loudly "one!"

After a couple hundred meters the horse trips again, and the man says "two!"

After another couple hundred meters the horse trips again. The man says "three!", takes a pistol and a shoots down the horse.

His wife, in chock, starts screaming "oh my god! What have you done?! Why have you killed the horse?! You're a monster! I should never have married you!"



To which the man replies "one!".

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An American is sailing in German waters when his boat starts to take in lots of water.

Realizing he won't be able to make it to shore, he calls the German Coast Guard.

"I'm sinking, I am sinking!"

The operator replies "Vhat are you sinking about?"

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Did you guys heard about the Chinese Ship with a cargo load of Yo-yos that sunk off the coast of Mexico..

.. all 200 times..

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Michael Jackson Joke #4543762

Michael Jackson tried killing himself Sunday morning
by jumping off his boat.

The coast guard found him last night, bobbing up and down
on a small buoy.

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Why didn't Texas drift into the gulf coast?

Because Oklahoma sucks.

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A Russian spy ship was spotted off the U.S coast...

But don't worry - they're just keeping an eye on their investment

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Why did the maid move to the coast?

Her job required some light house work.

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I invited two people from the US Coast over for coffee.

They left stains all over my coffee table.

I expected them 2 US coasters

This joke still needs some work...

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Mayday, mayday, we are sinking.

Zis iz za German coast guard vat are you sinking about?

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What did the American mobile tower on the coast say about the foreign cruise liner?

I will not sync with this ship.

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My girlfriend lives on the east coast of Virginia.

She's my Chesapeake Bae.

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I told my friend I was going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy for halloween

He said don't be Sicily

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Why does no one swim in the western coast of South America?

Because the water is Chile

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i' ve just bought an house in France, southern coast.

It' s very Nice.

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Jose said...

Fuck the wall I'll go up the coast

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A couple pirate jokes

(Couple good misdirection jokes)
You: What's a pirates favorite military branch?

Friend:ARRRMY

You: No yee dumbass, it's the coast guard.



You:What's a pirates favorite letter?

Friend:ARRRR

You: Aye, you think it be arr but it's the SEA! (C)


You:What's a pirates favorite fast food restaurant?

Friend:ARRRBYS

You: No. It's Long John Silver's.

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Stable bulls

One for the old folks...

Along the coast in California, there is a large dairy herds that graze the hillsides. The sun and the rain produce wonderful pastureland. The best eating was at the tops of the hills, but when the ocean breezes turn to gales, the cows are often blown right off their feet. So mostly, they huddled in the valleys, picking over what they could find.

The bulls on the other hand, enjoyed the tender shoots at the top of the hills. The wind, and even the occasional tremor seem to have no affect on them. This caused not just a little muttering and consternation among the cows.

One particularly windy day, the bravest (and hungriest) of the females struggled to the top of the hill to talk to the bulls. She fell over twice on the way up, but she was determined to find out their secret. "How do you guys stand up here?" she asked.

Looking up from a particularly sweet patch of clover, the oldest one said "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

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RIP Kanye West, died after what police think was his attempt to walk on water...

Coast Guard attempted rescue, but say he was too dense.

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A man goes to the doctors and says "I feel like an island of the south coast of Italy"

The doctor replies "Don't be Sicily"

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I unexpectedly won a free trip to the most scenic part of the California central coast.

It was a Big Sur prize.

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Two beans on the east coast of Australia

Ended up in Cairns.

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I'm going overseas soon and I've been thinking about checking out the Dalmatia Coast.

I've heard it's got some great spots.

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Uber Ark Driver Needed in Florida Panhandle area

Just got a call from a friend on the Florida coast where a lot of rain is falling. He told me an Uber Ark driver position is available.

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I overheard a work colleague saying they are going to a fancy dress party as a small island of the coast of Italy

I said don't be Sicily

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Wizards of the Coast:

Wizards of the Coast, and this is where the magic happens.

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What did the spy say at the glass beach?

*The coast is clear*

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There is a new cruise line that goes down the west coast of South America

It's called Perusing

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A man told me how he wanted to own an island off the coast of Italy

And I said 'Don't be so Sicily'

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So, I ran into my old Geography Teacher the other day...

and he invited me to his birthday party.
"It's a Geography themed fancy dress party." he said with a grin.
"How's that going to work?" I asked.
"Well, for instance, I'm going as a large Island off the coast of Italy."
"Don't be sicily" I replied...

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When I was in the coast guard, I saw a man in the water who had had his arms cut off by the mafia.

Apparently, throwing a lifesaver at him was the wrong thing to do.

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If you live near the coast, the harbor is often the best place to go shopping.

They often have really good sails on boats.

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West Coast problems

If you meet a vegan, and they do crossfit, which do they talk about first?

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TIL in 1972, the Russians attacked their own submarine off the coast of Guatemala

Woops, wrong sub.

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Why do seagulls fly to the dumps along the coast of New England?

To beat the Portugees

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Why couldn't the Coast Guard save the drowning hippie?

He was too far out.

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Unfortunately a large population of the East Coast of the US are attaching sleds to their backs.

Now it's all going down hill rather quickly.

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Son: I'm going to transform into an island off the coast of Italy!

Mother: Don't be Sicily!

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Did you know that the Coast Guard is the only branch of military with a minimum required height of 6feet?

It's so if their boat sinks they can walk to shore.

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119 years ago today a Canadian cargo vessel sank off the coast of New York, her cargo 50,000 cases of mayonnaise.

And that's why we celebrate Sinko de Mayo

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Did you hear about the Candy Factory they opened on the East Coast?

It closed after a month... they couldn't find any good wrappers.

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Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?

To help them find missing sea men.

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So I've to board my submarine off the coast of the Seychelles and monitor the Somali pirates as they sail around the coast of Mogadishu.

This is my latest submission.

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TIL the first commodity traded across the USA was jaweia.

Lewis and Clark brought a sack of it with them on their expedition to the Pacific coast.

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German coast guard

An American cruise ship was following the German coast when it got caught off course in a storm, hit some rocks in the shallow water, and started to sink.

The captain of the ship got on the radio:

"Help! Help!"

He got a reply:

"Hello, ziss is German coast guard. Do you haff a problem?"

"Help us! We're sinking! We're sinking!"

..."Vot are you sinking about?"

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The flood is coming.

It was all over the news, "the flood is coming." Being the devout man he was, Johnny decided to wait until God sent him a sign before he evacuated.

The water came up to his doorstep and his neighbor paddled by with a canoe. "Get in!" his neighbor yelled. "No, I'm waiting for a sign from God," he replied.

And he waited.

The water came up to his second floor. Johnny got on his roof. The Coast Guard came by with a helicopter. Johnny refused to get in. "I'm waiting for a sign from God," he yelled.

Johnny drowns and goes to heaven. Upon meeting God, he asks God "why didn't you send me a sign!? I'm a devout guy, all I needed was a sign."

God replies, "I put it on the news, I sent a canoe and I sent a helicopter! What else do you want from me!?"

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Who would win in a race from the east coast to the west coast, a couple of gay men or a couple of lesbians? [NSFW]

The lesbians would win by going 69 while the gay men would still be at home packing their shit

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A Coast Guard patrol intercepts a sinking vessel smuggling illegally spicy peppers. "Help!" says the smuggler...

"I'm capsaicin!"

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What do you call the Coast Guard during a hurricane?

Irma Guard!

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One country act that isn't going to get much of an audience on the east coast for a while:

Luke Combs.

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Did you hear about that glacier off the coast of Italy?

It was a Romaine Iceberg

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The West Coast is so last year

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I'm not worried about Irma

Trump will build the wall on the coast to keep the immigrant storm out

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British ship sinking close to Germany...

...The dispatcher goes "We are sinking!We are sinking!"

German coast guard "What are you 'thinking' about?"

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How many west coast kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hella

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Result Based Training I Personal Trainer Gold Coast

Come in and find out why everyone is saying Result Based Training is THE place to find your ultimate personal trainer in Gold Coast!

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I like my women like I like my coast guard ship

Coming quickly and filled with seamen.

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Dad jokes are like an island off the coast of Italy.

They are so Sicily.

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What does womens basketball and the west coast have in common?

Almost no Dunkin'!

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What do you call the chest of an obese person from the West Coast?

A California Roll.

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A hurricane is going to hit the east coast?

Are you Joaquin?

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What do you call a coast ghost that's a guest at a celebrity ghost roast?

A ghost toastie!

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What type of fish reps the west coast?

Cali-mari

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This man keeps calling my house asking about the Weather.

How does he think i will know if the coast is clear or not?

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My sister said when she's older she wants to live on an island off of the coast of Italy.

I replied "Don't be sosilly"

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Did you hear about the pirate who wanted to cut hair for a living?

He moved to the barbery coast.

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-- A tsunami warning has just been issued for the entire coast of California --

In other news:

Your mom recently did a cannon ball into the Pacific Ocean.

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Soon the entire west coast will have legalized Cannabis. Now there needs to be a campaign to get it legalized all the way to the East coast.

We can call it the *Cannabis Destiny*.

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PLEASE HELP US! WE ARE SINKING

Hello this is german coast gaurd. What are you sinking about?

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I think my wife is a weather forecaster...

A guy called up asking if the coast was clear.

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What are the best Coast puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Coast? Well, here are the best jokes about Coast to have fun with.

Joko Jokes