coach Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious coach puns

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach."

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What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?

Coach.

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Snoop Dogg goes to a vocal coach

The coach asks him "Can you sing very high?"

Snoop says "I can't sing if I'm not."

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What do you call the white guy on a bus full of black guys?

Coach.

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My coach told me to make it to third base

He was pissed, but his daughter loved it.

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Best Way To Impress a Girl..

Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"

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What do you call a white guy surrounded by 15 black guys?

Coach.

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Did you hear about the gay football coach?

He turns tight ends into wide receivers

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Mild Racism - NSFW

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 5 black guys - Coach

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys - Quarterback

What do you call one white guy surrounded by a thousand black guys - Warden

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Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team.
After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother.
She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."

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In the locker room after the game...

The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and panties and starts to put them on.

His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

Dennis replies, "Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car."

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So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

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In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of

A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.

Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."

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Why is Cinderella so bad at football?

A. Because she's got a pumpkin for a coach

B. Because she keeps running away from the ball

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What do you call the one white person on a bus full of black people?

Coach

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Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?

He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

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Hahaha the football team

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on
coach, give him another chance!"

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Bubba

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"

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Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...

... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.

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A high school's star quarterback is about to be kicked from the team.

A high school's star quarterback is about to be kicked from the team because of his bad grades. To try and keep him on the team, the coach takes up the matter with the principal.

The principal , not wanting his team to lose, decides that he will make an exception. He gives the kid one last chance to stay on the team if he passes a test.

The coach, the principal, and the quarterback gather in the principal's office for the test.

"Here's the test. What is 4+7?"

The quarterback thinks for a long while, and then replies "10."

The coach starts to plead "Oh, come on. Give him another chance. He only missed it by two!"

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I don't think my 3rd base coach likes me.

He keeps telling me to go home.

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The Italian Family Dinner

A joke from my rugby coach -- better told in person with the clapping, but try to imagine :)



Sitting at dinner, an Italian father looks at his three grown sons.

He asks the oldest, Mario, "Mario, why are you-a so fat?"

Mario responds, "Papa, Mama's spaghetti is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"

Papa spreads his hands vertically and claps them together, and says "Mario, you take-a too big-a bite!"

Papa turns to Antonio, and asks, "Antonio, why are you-a so fat?"

Antonio responds, "Papa, my wife's lasagna is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"

Papa claps again and says "Antonio, you take-a too big-a bite!"

Papa turns to Fernando and asks, "Fernando, why are you-a so skinny?"

Fernando says, "Papa, I ONLY eat the pussy!"

Papa responds, "Pussy? But son, pussy tastes-a like shit!"

Fernando claps his hands just like his dad and says, "Papa, you take-a too big-a bite!"

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So there was this soccer game....

One day, there were a group of turtles and skunks that decided to play a friendly soccer game. However this soccer game was painful to watch; the turtles were slow, and the skunks just flat out stunk.

The skunks were down a man so they got a centipede to play at the last minute. Now most of the game has gone by and it's been an awful game since no one was able to score. So the coach of the skunks put the centipede in as a last resort. Surprisingly, the centipede scored right away.

So the coach says, "centipede, where have you been all game?"

The centipede replied, "I was putting on my shoes."

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A wife comes home with a new Coach bag...

Her husband asks, "Where did you get that?"

"I won it in a raffle." she replies.

The next day she comes home with a new diamond bracelet. He asks her again, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

"I won it in a raffle." she says again. Later that evening, she asks her husband to run a bath for her. He obliges and runs about a half inch to an inch of water in the tub. She comes in and asks him why he didn't fill the tub up.

He says, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

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What do you call a white man surrounded by black men?

Coach

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The Voice Coach

Voice Coach: "Let's start with a scale."

Student: "Do, re, muuuhh, fa, so, la, ti, doooh!"

Voice Coach: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't take that tone with mi!"

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Who was Mr Rogers' weight lifting coach?

Arnold Schwarzeneighbor



(OC)

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A blonde goes to Paris

A blonde was going on vacation to Paris and was going to fly there. She had ordered a seat in coach, but when the plane took off she went up and sat in first class.

The flight attendant went up to her and told her - very politely - that she had to move back down to coach. The blonde looked at her and said: "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" The stewardess quickly went away.

Then another flight attendant came up and said that she had to move back down to coach. And again the blonde said "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!"

Now the two were in peril and were talking about what to do, when the pilot came back from his bathroom break. They told him what had happened, then nodded and said that he would take care of it. He then went into first class, walked up to the blonde's seat and said something to her. A second later the blonde got up, apologized and went down to coach again.

The flight attendants immediately asked him, what he had said to make her go back to coach. The pilot smiled and said: "I just told first class didn't go to Paris."

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Coach always used to say "Aim for the skies, boy".

He doesn't say that anymore after I blinded myself at archery practice.

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Racist Jokes (Sorry if I offend you)

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 12 black guys?

**A Basketball Coach**

What do you call a black guy surrounded by six white guys?

**Police Brutality**

(Again, sorry if I offended you. Just trying to make a joke.)

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An athiest, a vegan, and a CrossFit coach walked into a bar

I know because they told me.

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I got a text from my life coach today.

He said I didn't make the team.

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What do you call a white guy surrounded by ten black guys?

Coach.

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Donald Meets The Queen of England!

Together the Queen of England and Donald Trump proceeded to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six white horses. Regrettably, the rear horse let go of a putrid and lingering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant, and the Queen turned to Donald and said: "Mister Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Donald quickly replied: "Please don't give it a second thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, I really thought it was one of the horses".

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My coach always pay more attention to the 100m runners, but don't give a crap about us long distance runners...

We all agree he is a racist.

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What are the most funny Coach jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Coach? Well, here are the best Coach dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Coach pick up lines to share with friends.

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