Coach Jokes

Following is our collection of announcer humor and volleyball one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Coach puns for adults, dirty youngman jokes or clean instructor gags for kids.

There is an abundance of athletics jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 72 funniest jokes on coach. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any cinderella witze you can hear about coach.

The Best jokes about Coach

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach."

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?

Coach.

Snoop Dogg goes to a vocal coach

The coach asks him "Can you sing very high?"

Snoop says "I can't sing if I'm not."

What do you call the white guy on a bus full of black guys?

Coach.

Best Way To Impress a Girl..

Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"


Did you hear about the gay football coach?

He turns tight ends into wide receivers

Mild Racism - NSFW

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 5 black guys - Coach

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys - Quarterback

What do you call one white guy surrounded by a thousand black guys - Warden

Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team.
After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother.
She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

In the locker room after the game...

The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and panties and starts to put them on.

His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

Dennis replies, "Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car."

In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of

A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.

Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."


Why is Cinderella so bad at football?

A. Because she's got a pumpkin for a coach

B. Because she keeps running away from the ball

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?

He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

Hahaha the football team

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on
coach, give him another chance!"

Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...

... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.

A high school's star quarterback is about to be kicked from the team.

A high school's star quarterback is about to be kicked from the team because of his bad grades. To try and keep him on the team, the coach takes up the matter with the principal.

The principal , not wanting his team to lose, decides that he will make an exception. He gives the kid one last chance to stay on the team if he passes a test.

The coach, the principal, and the quarterback gather in the principal's office for the test.

"Here's the test. What is 4+7?"

The quarterback thinks for a long while, and then replies "10."

The coach starts to plead "Oh, come on. Give him another chance. He only missed it by two!"

I don't think my 3rd base coach likes me.

He keeps telling me to go home.

So there was this soccer game....

One day, there were a group of turtles and skunks that decided to play a friendly soccer game. However this soccer game was painful to watch; the turtles were slow, and the skunks just flat out stunk.

The skunks were down a man so they got a centipede to play at the last minute. Now most of the game has gone by and it's been an awful game since no one was able to score. So the coach of the skunks put the centipede in as a last resort. Surprisingly, the centipede scored right away.

So the coach says, "centipede, where have you been all game?"

The centipede replied, "I was putting on my shoes."

A wife comes home with a new Coach bag...

Her husband asks, "Where did you get that?"

"I won it in a raffle." she replies.

The next day she comes home with a new diamond bracelet. He asks her again, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

"I won it in a raffle." she says again. Later that evening, she asks her husband to run a bath for her. He obliges and runs about a half inch to an inch of water in the tub. She comes in and asks him why he didn't fill the tub up.

He says, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."


The Voice Coach

Voice Coach: "Let's start with a scale."

Student: "Do, re, muuuhh, fa, so, la, ti, doooh!"

Voice Coach: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't take that tone with mi!"

Who was Mr Rogers' weight lifting coach?

Arnold Schwarzeneighbor



(OC)

A blonde goes to Paris

A blonde was going on vacation to Paris and was going to fly there. She had ordered a seat in coach, but when the plane took off she went up and sat in first class.

The flight attendant went up to her and told her - very politely - that she had to move back down to coach. The blonde looked at her and said: "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" The stewardess quickly went away.

Then another flight attendant came up and said that she had to move back down to coach. And again the blonde said "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!"

Now the two were in peril and were talking about what to do, when the pilot came back from his bathroom break. They told him what had happened, then nodded and said that he would take care of it. He then went into first class, walked up to the blonde's seat and said something to her. A second later the blonde got up, apologized and went down to coach again.

The flight attendants immediately asked him, what he had said to make her go back to coach. The pilot smiled and said: "I just told first class didn't go to Paris."

Coach always used to say "Aim for the skies, boy".

He doesn't say that anymore after I blinded myself at archery practice.

Racist Jokes (Sorry if I offend you)

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 12 black guys?

**A Basketball Coach**

What do you call a black guy surrounded by six white guys?

**Police Brutality**

(Again, sorry if I offended you. Just trying to make a joke.)

I got a text from my life coach today.

He said I didn't make the team.

Donald Meets The Queen of England!

Together the Queen of England and Donald Trump proceeded to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six white horses. Regrettably, the rear horse let go of a putrid and lingering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant, and the Queen turned to Donald and said: "Mister Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Donald quickly replied: "Please don't give it a second thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, I really thought it was one of the horses".

The coach discovers he is going to die in a week

He tells his wife: I want to clear my conscience. I have been unfaithful to you, only once, with your sister.
She says: That's okay. I too have been unfaithful to you, only once, with the football team.

My wife hates cleaning so now I'm paying for a maid, she hates changing diapers so now I'm paying for a nanny...

And she hates having sex with me so now I'm paying for a tennis coach.

A blond girl is on a plane to Dallas...

... she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says "Excuse me, mam, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class, could you please move to coach?"

She puts down her magazine, looks at her in the eyes, and says "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas." She continues reading her magazine.

The flight attendent calls the co-pilot to talk to her. The co-pilot confronts her and says "I'm the co-pilot of this plane, and I'm happy to hear you're excited to be going to Dallas, but could you please move to coach? You don't have a first class seat."

She puts down her magazine, looks at him in the eyes, and says "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas." She continues reading her magazine.

The co-pilot, furious and not knowing what to do, goes to the Captain and asks if he can talk to her. The Captain gets up and talks to the woman. The woman grabs her bags and moves to coach. He returns to the co-pilot. The co-pilot asks "How did you get her to move? We've tried talking to her but nothing happened. What did you say?" and the captain responded saying "I told her first class isn't going to Dallas."

I am on the case prep team in law school. Our new fact pattern is based on the Sandusky Trial. What do you think of my theme for trial?

Coach Toledo may have been head coach of the Cougars, but he was not interested in the cougars. Coach Toledo was interested in the cubs.

What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

A White Guy.

If a white guy is surrounded by 3 black guys, he's getting robbed. 30 black guys, he's a football coach. 300 black guys he's a prison guard.

Why did the football coach ask for a refund?

He wanted to get his quarterback.

Yo Mamma so fat...

Yo mamma so fat, that when you were being delivered at the hospital the doctor had to send in a rescue diver. He pulled out you, 11 other kids, and a soccer coach.

Q: Why did the coach give his football team lighters?

A: They kept losing their matches.

Another Iranian wife at the husband's deathbed

H: At this last moment, I have a question, have you ever cheated on me?

W: Only 3 times and all for your own good.

H: How so?

W: Remember in our town you wanted to join the soccer team and the coach rejected you but then later admitted you? That was in return of a favor I did.

H: Okay, I forgive that, what next?

W: Remember you played soccer and the team members did not pass you the ball, but then later they made you the captain? All the team members did that as return of my favors.

H: Hmm. And the the 3rd time?

W: Remember in Azadi stadium in Tehran, 100'000 spectators booed you, but then later everybody cheered for you? They all did that as return to my favors.

A football player was late to conditioning practice

His coach asked "Why are you late?"

The player replies "I was shampooing. I always shampoo before conditioning."

In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club

Had a player called David Dicks. When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"Arsenal to play without Dicks". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with Dicks out"... A record number of women attended the match

Gandalf is the new coach of the Seattle Seahawks.

A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"

The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."

"What's that?"

"Dribbling."

Why did the football coach break into the vending machine?

To get his quarterback.

Buccaneers Anthrax Scare

Tampa Bay, Florida, Sept. 26, 2014.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player found a mysterious white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Lovie Smith immediately suspended practice and called in local authorities.

Forensic scientists determined the powdery substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after it was determined the players were unlikely to encounter it again any time soon.

Why was Cinderella so bad at tennis?

Because her coach was a pumpkin

I recently became the coach of an orphanage baseball team

Because I hate dealing with parents.

A man went out a cold winter day

on the ice and started drilling a hole.

Theres no fish under the ice! a voice said. But the man just ignored it and continued to drill

Theres no fish under the ice! The voice said again. The man got nervous

Is it God speaking? He asked

No the is hockey coach. Now get out of the ice hockey hall!

An upset parent walks up to the coach of a local minor league's baseball team, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think 'The Browns' is a racist name to have for the team?"

The coach replies, "what? No, the name is simply because the uniforms are brown. In fact, to avoid any signs of racism with the name, we don't allow any brown people on the team."

A blonde women's basketball team rallied and then tied up the score at the end of regulation...

...and the coach took out a bottle of wine and handed out glasses to the team.

After imbibing, the blonde team obviously ended up losing.

Coach was asked later by, "Why the early celebration?"

Coach said, "We weren't celebrating, we're not that stupid. I served wine because I heard it always gets better overtime."

Usain's little secret.

Right before the gun shot, Usain Bolt's head coach, from within the crowd yells out, "Congratulations Usain, You've just become a father."

I was so happy when my coach told me I should be playing in the majors.

Then I realized I was in band class.

Making Jokes About Racial Stereotypes

What do you call a white man surrounded by 4 black men?
Coach.
What do you call a white man surrounded by 12 black men?
Football Coach.
What do you call a white man surrounded by 40 black men?
Football Referee.
What do you call a white man surrounded by 100 black men?
Warden.

What did the comedy coach tell his worst student after his practice?

"Are you making a Mochrie out of improv?"

If you have a problem eating coins, perhaps you should consult a life coach...

It'll inspire change within yourself

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

I want my quarterback!

Why a centipede cannot fly coach?

Not enough leg room!

Horton must be a first base coach...

Since he hears a who.

What did the Grapefruit basketball coach say to the worst player on the team?

You're going to have to ci-tris one out.

"Breathing is very important when you're swimming," informed my coach.

Quite right. You can't swim when you're dead.

What do you call.......

What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys? Coach.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven black guys? Football coach.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by hundreds of black guys? Warden.

A bad boxer

During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent.

"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.

"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."

What did the North Korean coach say to the figure skater before her competition?

We expect great execution.

What did the coach say after a poor performance?

We expect great execution.

I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet.

He told me, don't hold your breath, kid.

So I drowned.

What did the Italian baseball coach say about the only woman on the team?

Ciabatta very good!

Why did cinderella quit the soccer team?

Because her coach was a pumpkin and she couldn't get to the ball

I remember that one fateful day...

"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really on the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. That's when I felt the handcuffs go on."

-Jack Handy

A coach full of musicians has broken down on the motorway

Police have said to expect some lengthy jams

A couple was on their honeymoon

They decided to go for a ride on a stage coach. So they took a horse and a stage coach and went for a ride along the coast.

Suddenly the horse trips and almost falls down, shaking the stage coach, but keeps going. The man says loudly "one!"

After a couple hundred meters the horse trips again, and the man says "two!"

After another couple hundred meters the horse trips again. The man says "three!", takes a pistol and a shoots down the horse.

His wife, in chock, starts screaming "oh my god! What have you done?! Why have you killed the horse?! You're a monster! I should never have married you!"



To which the man replies "one!".

A french gymnast is getting ready to perform...

His coach walks up and says, "Break a leg!"

If a powerlifter has weak legs...

does his coach put him on the Bench?

A football player is seriously ill

On a press conference the coach of a famous football team announces that their best player, George Dicks, won't be playing in the next game. After the conference a reporter comes up to the coach and asks "Just wanted to check if you're okay with the headline... it'll be 'Team plays without Dicks' "

"Nah, that doesn't sound good. Change it"

So when the coach checked the newspaper the next morning, the headline read "Team plays with dicks out!"

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

My life coach told me I was going to be traded at the end of the year.

You know what's weird about the situation in Thailand?

The coach never taught the boys how to dive.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes