Clue Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

Why is there no black character in the game "Clue"?

Because then it would be called "Solved."

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Afghanistan elementary school?

I have no clue, I just fly the drone.

There's an old Native American man that sits in a teepee along the road I take to work.

Every morning for a while now I stop in and ask him what the weather will be that day. Rain, snow, sun, clouds. He's always right.

Well yesterday I stopped in just like normal and asked what the weather was going to be like.

"Got no clue", he said.

I was shocked. "What's different about today that you don't know?"

He just shook his head sadly. "Radio broke."

My girlfriend is like an advanced calculus class.

I don't have a clue what's going on but seems like those others guys are getting it.

Why are there no black people in the game Clue?

Because then, it would be called Solved.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but I have no clue how they got in there.

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives?

They're called the Clue Clucks Clan

Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

My approach to sex is like the government's approach to Brexit

I go in hard and pull out when I realise I have no clue what I'm doing

I was trying to come up with a name for my group of mystery-solving chickens

Apparently the Clue Clucks Clan was already taken.

Two guys were out on a lake ice fishing

One looks at the other and sees that he's got a pile of fish, and asks him,

"hey buddy, how'd you catch so many fish and I'm sitting here with nothing?"

"Eep or orms orm" the man grumbled

"What?"

"Eep or orms orm!"

"Buddy, i got no clue what you're saying!"

The man spat in exasperation and said, "Keep your worms warm!"

Two british men are sitting at a bus stop...

When a man, clearly not from their town, comes up towards them.

"Parlez-vous Français?" The man asks the two Brits.

Confused, they stare blankly at the foreigner.

"Hablan ustedes EspaΓ±ol?" The man tries again - still no reaction from the two men.

Frustrated, the foreigner tries one more time.

"Sprechen sie Deutsch?"

but the two men at the bus stop still have no clue what he's saying, and the foreigner storms off in a huff.

A couple seconds later, one of the men sitting on the bench turns to the other and says, "We should probably learn a language."

The other man turns to him and says, "Why? He knew three, and it didn't do him any good!"

Four across...

Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:

"A word, four across, ending with unt..."

The other man asks him:

"Well, what's the clue?"

He replies:

"It just says 'a woman,' that's all."

"Aunt?"

"Ah, yes it is!"

The man looks down, nodding in agreement. Across the carriage a feeble voice, the Priest.

"Can I borrow an eraser?"

Lifesavers

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) Of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red......................Cherry

Yellow..................Lemon

Green....................Lime

Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

'Oh my God!! They're assholes!'

What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 21 brothers and sisters and they had no clue either.

Kids from around the globe were asked to write an essay...

and the teacher asked, "Please write in your own opinion about the insufficient amount of food in other countries."

But none of the could write it.

The kid from South America didn't know what 'please' was.

The Asian kid didn't know what 'your own opinion' was.

The European kid didn't know what the word 'insufficient' meant.

The Kid from Africa didn't know what 'food' was.

And the kid from North America had absolutely no clue what the heck were 'other countries'.

There was a little boy celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...

There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.

My girlfriend hung a note on the fridge...

...which said: "I can't do it, it's not working anymore."

Door could be opened. Light is fully functional. Beer is cold.

I got no clue what she was talking about

An old woman was driving down the highway...

An old woman was driving down the highway at 35mph when a highway patrol officer pulled her over. He asked the woman if she knew why he pulled her over. She said "I have no clue, officer. I was obeying the speed limit..." The officer then replied with "Ma'am, you were traveling far too slow to be driving in the highway." The woman, with a confused look on her face then pointed to a sign up ahead and said, "But officer, that sign says the speed limit is 35! I had to have been obeying the speed limit!" The officer turned to see the sign that marked what highway they were on, highway 35. He then turned around, and looked at the women's friend, sitting in the back, eyes as big as silver dollars, he asked the woman in the back what was wrong. She replied quietly with "We just got off of highway 160."

My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done by tomorrow.

A man asks a bartender for a drink...

"Do you have a bottle of less?" asks the man

The bartender looks confused, and says "Never heard of that one. you know what it is, what the bottle looks like?"

The man says "I have no clue what it looks like, but when I went to the doctor yesterday he said I should start drinking less."

A guy on a train is sitting next to a nun who is doing a crossword puzzle.

The nun is stuck on a clue that doesn't fit with some other answers that she's already written down. She asks the man for help.

"Let's backtrack, and double check that your other answers are right. That usually helps me," he says.

"Good idea," the nun says. "How about this one: A four-letter word, ending in 'U-N-T,' and the clue is 'Something you would call a woman.'"

"Aunt?" The man says.

"Oh, right..." the nun says. "Say, do you have an eraser?"

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player

This mechanic in my area went to jail for dealing drugs

I've been his customer for over 5 years...I had no clue he was a mechanic.

"I'm stuck on the last piece of a crossword. 12 letters, the clue is: 'getting in your way'".

He said, "That's 'inconvenient'."

I said, "I know. That's why I need your help."

Women are like magnets...

I have no clue how they work.

Doctor joke

Two doctors mortally offend each other and resolve to fight a duel. But they have no clue about the traditional dueling weapons -- swords, pistols, etc. After some thought, they decide to use the most deadly weapon of which each is an undoubted expert: They exchange prescriptions.

Why are there no black people in clue?

Because then it wouldn't be a mystery.

I wondered what my parents did to kill boredom before the internet.

I mean, I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them had a clue.

What doctors really thinking?

- This should be taken care of right away.

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.


- Welllllll, what have we here…?

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.


- Let me check your medical history.

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.


- We have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.


- Let me schedule you for some tests.

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.


- I'd like to have my associate look at you.

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.


- I'd like to prescribe a new drug.

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.


- This may hurt a little.

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.


- This should fix you up.

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.


- I'd like to run some more tests.

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.


- There is a lot of that going around.

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall...

They were amazed by almost everything the saw, especially by two shiney, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asks his father,"What is this thing father?"

The father responded,"Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life,I don't have the slightest clue."

While the boy and his dad continued to watch,an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and entered a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his dad watched small circles of light with numbers above the walls light up.They continued to watch as the numbers began a reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.The father said to his son,"Go get your mother."

An Englishman is visiting Ireland for the first time...

His first stop is Cork where he decides he wants to kiss the famous Blarney Stone. Unfortunately for him he hasn't a clue where the stone is, so he walks into a pub to ask for directions.

He walks into the pub and yells, "Alright Paddies, I'm visiting from London and I'm looking for someone to take me to kiss this famous Blarney's Stone I've heard so much about."

There's a small stir in the bar as every Irishman scowls at him, until one man stands up. The huge, red-bearded man walks over to the Englishman, towering over him by a full foot.

He says, "Aye, I'll take ye to the Blarney Stone, but there's something you missed."

"And what might that be?" the Englishman replies.

"Ye see, there's two Blarney stones." the Irishman tells him.

The Englishman, slightly peeved at this insight, sighs to him, "Well I don't care, I just want to kiss one."

"Well alright," the Irishman replies as he drops his pants, "I'm Blarney. Kiss one."

Werner Heisenberg was pulled over for speeding...

The cop asked "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Not a clue," Heisenberg replied. "But I know exactly where I am."

I'm making my own Crossword Puzzle but I'm struggling to think up a clue for 3 down, 'Armageddon'.

Ah well, it's not the end of the world.

Why isnt there a black guy in the board game, "clue"?

Because then it would be called "solved".

Life is like operating a crane.

Early on, you figure out how to make it up to the controls... Only to realize you have no clue what to do once you get there.

The difference between men and women... [OC]

The difference between men and women? When men go shopping they know what they want, but not where it is. When women go shopping they have no clue what they want, but know exactly where it is.

My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs.

Unbelievable! I've been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!ο»Ώ

I just had the most clueless Uber driver in Gettysburg, PA

He didn't even know the address.

A very sexist from my high school days

Person 1, "Your dishwasher stops working and like any good mechanic you hit it and tell it to get back to work, and it does. You return later to find dishes that are only half clean. Why?"
Person 2, "I have no clue."
Person 1, "You must have hit her in the eye."

A blonde is about to solve a crossword...

... but still misses some answers.

She asks for a help her best friend,

"Jane, could you help me solving this pls. - the clue says 'Feminine intercourse part' - with 4 letters.."

"Across or down?" asks her friend.

"It's across"

"Then it should be lips"

My friend lost his board game.

He's asking me to investigate, but then suspected me.

One thing for sure, I have no Clue.

Crossword clue: F**k, used by Gordon Ramsay a lot more than the average person

Fork

Two blondes solving a crossword

Two blondes are spending some time together, the one is watching TV while the other struggles with one particular crossword question for some time now...
After a while she decides to ask her friend for help..
- Do you know the answer to the clue "Female sex organ"?
-- Hmmmm. Horizontally or vertically?
- Horizontally
-- Oh yes! "Mouth"

Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:

Alex: "Mike?"

Mike: "What is the answer?"

Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."

Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"

Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell you."

Mike: "Listen, Trebek, I'm telling you it's the answer."

Alex: "Mike, I'm not sure you understand the rules of Jeopardy."

Mike: "How many timeth do I have to thay it? What ith the anther?!"

A new version of clue is coming out this year

It's called Flint River Clue. The only weapon is a lead pipe.

A Wrong Answer

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband's help.

"The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is 'tiresome sameness.'"

"Monogamy," he answered

A little boy and his grandfather...

...were walking through a meadow on a beautiful summer day.

"Grandpa," said the boy, "why is the grass green?"

The old man shrugged. "No idea," he grunted.

Then the boy asked, "Grandpa, why do the flowers smell so nice?"

"Beats me," said the old man.

"Grandpa, what makes the wind blow?"

"No clue."

"Grandpa," said the boy, "do you mind me asking you all these questions?"

"Of course not," said the old man. "How else will you learn anything?"

Why doesn't the game Clue have any black characters?

Because then it'd be called "Sorry!" and that's already a game.

The local barber was arrested for selling drugs

I think it's completely insane! I've been his customer for years and I had no clue he was a barber.

Watching Olympic rowing with my wife.

Me: Oh, the announcer just said the Germans got in via the repechage.

Wife: What's that?

Me: I have no clue.

Wife: I think it means they went through Belgium.

My grandma started walking 2 miles every single day when she turned 60.

She's 70 now and doesn't have a clue where she is.

What's the funniest type of bribery?

No clue. But I'll give you $20 if you laugh.

We surprised my brother with a board game for his birthday

And he didn't have a clue!

On Blue's Clues, Steve didn't leave to go to college - he was sent to prison.

He realized far too late that he shouldn't have brought Slippery Soap with him.

Why is a red herring called a red herring?

Not a clue.

Unidentified Submarine

Three Americans are sitting inside their submarine when suddenly they see an unidentified sub on their radar. They try to radio the people inside but no one answers. So they decide the best way to figure out who it belongs to is to go out into the water and look for markings on the sub.

First guy goes out, comes back a few minutes later and says "I couldn't see any markings on it...no clue who it is."

Second guy goes out, comes back a few minutes later and says "yeah same here, no flags, marks, nothing."

Third guys goes out, comes back a minute later, laughing. First two guys are confused so they ask him what happened. He said,

"They're Romanians."

"How do you know that?" They ask him.

He says "I knocked and they opened."

Roses are red, violets are blue.

When it comes to flower colours, the person who made this has no clue.

What did little Johnny say when he was asked who Camila Cabello was?

"I havanna clue"

Heisenberg got pulled over by the cops for speeding

Winding down his window, he was greeted by a shout of "Do you know how fast you were going?!"

"Not a clue, but I know *exactly* where I was."

I'm a clueless drinker.

I only drink on days that end with "why".

What do you call an elite group of detectives that are comprised of hens?

The Clue Clucks Clan

I once met this prostitute that went by the nickname "Watergate"

I had no clue why until she began to deep throat me in a parking garage

My cab ride was free this morning, really nice guy.

No clue why he was chasing me though..

The Town's 90 year old Duan Juan is asked of his seducing methods...

"What's so special 'bout you that makes women 70 years younger than you crave your company, if ye know what I mean?"

"I honestly got no clue young man"-He answered, as he began to
slowly lick his own eyebrows.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now.

And we still have no clue where she is.

What's the most confusing holiday in the hood?

Kwanzaa. I don't think anyone has a clue what that holiday is.

got in trouble for helping an African co-worker with the crossword during break.

apparently the answer to the clue, Word with "black" or "photo", is not "shoot".

I was going to write a poem about fitted sheets...

But I don't have a clue on where to start

Why are there no black characters in clue?

Becuase if there were it would be called solved

Clueless husband

A woman was laying in bed with her husband at night when she said:"honey i m cold" , he said: "wear warmer clothes", then she said "i m still very cold" he responds "cover yoursef with another blanket" ,the wife who seemed displeased said:"when i was cold my mother used to hug me tightly and cuddle til we slept" her husband says in an angry voice:"Are you telling me we should bring your mother to sleep with us,why do you always say unromantic things in bed!".

What's hard and hairy on the outside, and soft and wet on the inside?

Clue: It starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T'



A Coconut!

What are the funniest clue jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Clue? Well, here are the best Clue puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Clue pick up lines to share with friends.

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