Clubs Jokes

Following is our collection of clubhouse puns and club one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Clubs jokes for adults, dirty memberships jokes and clean golf club dad gags for kids.

The Best Clubs Puns

If I die...

If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"





"No. She's left-handed."

Husband has 6 months to live

Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.

When it came to Johnny he said, I want to be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. I'll get me a bitch, and buy her a million-dollar apartment in Vegas, a Ferrari, a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.

The teacher was lost for words and didn't know what to do, so she just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.

Marie replied: "I'd like to be Johnny's bitch!!"

Why didn't Hitler go to strip clubs?

Because he didn't like poles.

My sister is so dumb, she tells everyone she is bipolar

Because she is working at two different strip clubs.


"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:



"What do you want to be when you grow up?"





Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."



The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..



And how about you, Sarah?"



"I wanna be KevinΒΉs hooker."

Johny the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Prostitute, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's Prostitute."

Why don't they let whales into strip clubs?

They tend to humpback.

Marriage jok

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

Why does Hitler not like going to strip clubs?

He hates the Poles

A Lack of Recognition

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.

Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.


As a fat, single, 40 year old man, I've been to alot of strip clubs.

Too bad I haven't made much money.

I don't understand the appeal of strip clubs...

All you do is throw money at women who refuse to have sex with you. If I wanted that I would be married.

Why don't Nazi's like strip clubs?

Because, they don't like Poles.

At the Last Supper...

[At Last Supper]

*Jesus raises bread*
"This is my body!"
*Jesus raises wine*
"And this is my blood!"
*Pulls out 9 of Clubs*
"And this is your card"
*Apostles go nuts*

A relationship is like playing cards

First you have hearts and diamonds then at the end is clubs and spades

Three old men

Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,

"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"

His buddy one chimes in:

"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"

The third old man patiently listening finally says,

"Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."

A Mexican once tried to steal my golf clubs..

so I had to shoot a hole-in-juan.

My dad said not to go to cheap, low class strip clubs, because I'll see things I shouldn't...

Sure enough, I had to go and there's my dad getting a lap dance.


Why do Native Americans dance at strip clubs?

They want to make it rain.

Grandpa said he wanted to be buried with his golf clubs

But this is taking forever and my arms are tired!

What do pirates and strip clubs have in common?

Neither can get enough booty

A man is on his death bed. He asks his wife...

"Will you re-marry after I die?"

"Oh, I don't know..." she says. "Maybe."

"Will you let another man move into our house with you?"

"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Will you let another man drive my car?"

"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Well, will you have sex with another man at some point?"

"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Will you let another man use my golf clubs!?"

"Nah. He's left-handed."

I like my sheds the way I like my strip clubs...

...dark and full of hoes

If I die first, will you remarry, asks the wife.

I'm in good health so why not, says the husband.
Will she live in this house
Its all paid for so yes.
Will she drive my car.
Its new so yes.
Will she use my golf clubs.
No, she's left handed.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft

Today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Do I know you?

Four Great Truths About Religion:

Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

\- Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

\- Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

\- Born-Again Christians do not recognize each other at strip clubs.

I won my poker tournament last night with the five of clubs and the five of spades.

Black fives matter.

Your mom is so ugly...

They pay her at strip clubs to put her clothes on.

A man writing in his diary:

I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.

Another Tom Swifty

"I have only diamonds, clubs, and spades," said Tom heartlessly.

A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.

Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."

"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his golf clubs.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "How many times did you hit him?"

The woman replies, "Eh, five..? Six..? Put me down for a five."

Wife asks husband, if she dies will he remarry?

I don't know... yeah I probably would i guess.
What about the house? would you sell it?
No he says, I like our house.
What about our bed, would you buy a new one?
No I like our bed and would keep it.
Ok, the wife now asks, what about my golf clubs?
Would you let your new wife use them?
No way he says, she's left handed.

Which playing cards are the best dancers?

The king and queen of clubs

Why are Nazi's not allowed to work in strip clubs...

Because they don't get on with the Pols

I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!

It was a great trade.

I always get my dates at midget strip clubs

Those girls are the easiest to pick up

I don't see the point of strip clubs.

All they do is frustrate you and take all your money.

I have a wife for that.

What do you call a golfer who hasn't enough clubs?

Iron deficient.

Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

What do you call 500 old white guys chasing a black man with clubs?

The PGA tour.

Last night, my friends and I drank beer and pretended to be golf clubs.

I was the designated driver.

I've started handing out guns to large men at gay clubs.

Just exercising my right to arm bears.

What do holiday parties and after school clubs have in common?

They both feature Chess nuts!

Why does Hitler dislike strip clubs?

Too many Poles.

I used to have a life before I started serving drinks at underground clubs.

Now I'm behind bars.

'American Police' playing cards.

I bought a deck of 'American Police' playing cards yesterday.

There's no hearts or diamonds in it. Just one spade and fifty one clubs.

Why do gay clubs float so well?

They're flambuoyant.

A friend of mine once said all bars and clubs are haunted...

It must be because of all the spirits

Why can't you drive a semi-truck anywhere?

Golf clubs are made too poorly.

Music is the main reason…

…I go to strip clubs.

I found out why I can't play well with my new golf clubs.

They have a loose nut on the grip. 😜

I got shot by a cop after I beat him at poker. He had quad aces but I drew an 8-high straight flush (clubs) on the river...

...I guess black fives do matter.

There is an abundance of men club jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes and clubs puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any biker club witze you can hear about clubs.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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