Clothes Jokes
177 clothes jokes and hilarious clothes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about clothes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
On a rainy day, find something to brighten a gloomy mood and be sure to have a few laughs with these joke about all kinds of clothes! From the practical clothes peg and clothes hanger, to the classic jeans and garb, discover loads of fun, light-hearted and witty jokes about clothes.
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Funniest Clothes Short Jokes
Short clothes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The clothes humour may include short clothing jokes also.
- When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
- I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
- I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me
- How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat? If she fits in your wife's clothes.
- My wife has been missing for over a week. The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.
- Somebody told me my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."
- I saw 2 guys with matching clothes and asked them if they are gay... They promptly arrested me.
- How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.
(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.) - A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones. The ones on daddy's computer.
- My husband has been missing for six days now Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back
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Clothes One Liners
Which clothes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with clothes? I can suggest the ones about shoes and clothed.
- Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes? Moo
- I don't want to brag, but when I take my clothes off... the shower gets turned on.
- What kind of clothing do Karens wear? A lawsuit.
- What size clothes do fortune teller wear? Medium.
- I just opened an express clothing alteration business. It's called Tailor Swift.
- I haven't worn clothes for 12 months. I'm on a 1 year streak.
- What do pirates wear under their clothes? Plunderwear.
- What do you call a fast clothes maker? Taylor Swift!
Made up by my nine year old :) - Where do fashionable kids with cancer like to shop for clothes? Never 21
- Why couldn't mike tyson go to the laundromat? Because it was clothed.
- It's not your dryer that's shrinking your clothes... It's your refrigerator.
- When to leave your girlfriend? When your wife's clothes start to fit her.
- The first job I ever had was ironing cowboy clothes. Howdy pressing.
- What do you say to an overworked clothing maker? You seamstressed.
- LPT: Don't let a doctor examine you without clothes on Make him put his clothes on
New Clothes Jokes
Here is a list of funny new clothes jokes and even better new clothes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If EU were a person If EU were a person and they start a new clothing brand, what would it be called?
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EUropa - How do you drive a girl insane? Give her new clothes and lock her inside a room without a mirror
- New clothing store seen at local Mall named 'Off Topic'. Apparently it's aimed at edgy teens with ADHD.
- A man saw his wife wearing nothing. What are you doing? he said. It's the emperor's new cloth. she replied. You should iron it first.
- A new Muslim clothing store opened up in my town today... I've been banned from it for asking where I can find the new bomber jackets.
- Everyone had fun at the new nudist retreat this summer! Now they're clothed for the winter.
- New Years resolution to recycle water I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don't care what everyone else at the gym says.
- I thought it was the new detergent my wife started using that's shrinking all my clothes. As always my wife is right. It was the new pizza place across the street.
- We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes.... .....but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes....!
- Did you hear about the new fashion trend of sticky clothing? Its popular, but its really hard to pull off.
Clothes Shopping Jokes
Here is a list of funny clothes shopping jokes and even better clothes shopping puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED! Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
- The wife has been missing for a week. Police said I should now prepare for the worst.... So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back....
- Covid medical "experts" are such liars. They said masks and gloves were all you needed if you had to go shopping But when I got to the store everyone else had clothes on.
- The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
- A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario. So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.
- why did my wife cross the road? To go back into the first clothes shop we went into two hours ago.
- My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now, and the doctor told me to expect the worst. So I had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.
- What does Matt Damon call it when he shops for cheap clothes? Goodwill Hunting
- Where do Muslim hipsters shop for clothes? Turban Outfitters!
- so i went to the clothes shop to buy camouflaged pants... ...and i didn't find any.
Washing Clothes Jokes
Here is a list of funny washing clothes jokes and even better washing clothes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener. Now her clothes don't fit.
- Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online My neighbours now take their washing in at night
- I accidentally dropped my girlfriends epilepsy medication in the washing machine... ...now her clothes don't fit anymore
- I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me. My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.
- God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body, the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference. - Islamic men get 72 virgins when they die. What do Islamic women get? 73 sets of clothes to wash.
- Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.
- What do people with an extra chromosome wash their clothes with? Downy.
- Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine. It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.
- Always wash your clothes in tide Because it's way too cold out-tide
Buying Clothes Jokes
Here is a list of funny buying clothes jokes and even better buying clothes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Psychic buys clothing Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small
Employee: You didn't even try it on
Psychic: I'm a medium - Where do feminists buy their birth control? Goodwill clothes aisle
- Where do accountants buy all of their clothes? The GAAP.
- My wife said she wants to donate her old clothes to the Salvation Army, so starving people can buy and wear them. I told her that anyone who can fit in her clothes certainly isn't starving.
- Reposting a joke is like buying a piece of clothing... you use other people's material to make yourself look good.
- Where does a Sith Lord buy their clothes? At the Darth Mall.
- YO' MAMA IS SO FAT... SIZES Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: large, extra large, and "Oh my God, it's coming towards us!"
- Try to buy some clothes from a spiritualist shop today. Turns out they could only offer mediums.
- Retail clerks who buy their own clothes from their own stores really need a confidence boost. They sell themselves shorts
- My girlfriend asked me what size table cloth we should buy I told her "12x15."
She asked, "feet or inches?" and I told her either one, doesn't matter.
Can't wait to see which one she buys.
Clothes Peg Jokes
Here is a list of funny clothes peg jokes and even better clothes peg puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why would pirates be great at fixing and drying clothing? They're very familiar with patches and pegs
- whats the best thing about metal clothes pegs? I've no idea, you'll have to ask the wife.
Comical & Quirky Clothes Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about clothes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shirts jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make clothes pranks.
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctor´s office.
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it´s my old aunt here."
"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
Too Shy!!!
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts to fit into your wife's clothes.
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
My friend went on holiday to Havana...
...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Robin Williams' Favorite Joke
Guy's having s**... with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''
He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"
My roommate told me my clothes look gay.
I told him to have some respect. They just came out of the closet.
I saw a Nun with her clothes inside-out today...
I asked her about it, and she said it was *a bad habit of hers*
What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes?
A Star-Spangled Banner.
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...
"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
When girls change their clothes in front of you...
When girls change their clothes in front of you, she either really wants the D, you're in friend zone level 99 or..
she hasn't noticed you in the tree yet.
Two engineers are meeting for lunch
Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Two engineers meet each other on their way into work
One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
"Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
My roommate just called my clothes gay..
Have a little respect man! They just came out of the closet
Halloween Joke
This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he's just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, Dude, this is a Halloween party! You're supposed to be wearing a costume?
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I'm a snail!
You're a snail?
Yeah, I'm a snail, says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, This is Michelle.
The Garden of Eden
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're n**..., and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."
My mom dropped this one on me
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
My mom asked me what i wanted for xmas. I told her some clothes and something small to play with
She gave me underwear with a hole cut in the front
My mother always said, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your maid."
When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."
My girlfriend asked me to take off her clothes.
So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra and p**...."
And so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.
It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.
A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital
She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"
A guy in school said that my clothes were gay
"Well, yes", I told him "they came out of the closet this morning."
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
What did the disappointed s**... get for Christmas?
Clothes but no cigar...
A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.
She goes inside to inquire:
Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.
Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.
A friend of mine told me all my clothes were gay...
"Keep your voice down!" I yelled, "some of them are still in the closet."
It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear ....
….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.
I took a girl back to my house for s**... last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.
I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?
Today someone called my clothes 'gay'
"Yeah!" I replied. "They came out of the closet this morning actually!"
My sister asked me to remove her clothes.
So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."
I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and p**...."
and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes.
Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?
Me: They prefer to be called executioners.
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
I went to the doctor today...
He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop m**...." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
I told two twins their matching outfits are cute...
"Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.
To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."
I asked my parents for something Cuban. They got me a Che Guevara t-shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar
A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"
He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
My wife was cleaning the closet last week
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them
Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes
Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
BANG@#$%^&*
Wife tells her husband
Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."
Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."
Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."
Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."
I got banned from donating clothes to the local orphanage
Apparently they don't appreciate Batman costumes......
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
Wife told her husband
A man's wife comes up to him and tells him, Take off my shirt. So he does.
She then tells him, Take off my skirt and high heels. So he does.
Then she tells him, Take off my bra and underwear. So he does.
Finally she tells him, I better never find you wearing my clothes again.
Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?"
And we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol.
The evolution of tide pods
In 2017 tids pods cleaned clothes but in 2018 it cleans the gene pool
Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.
I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...
My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes
And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...
My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears, I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.
I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.
I've never understood why homophobics wore clothes
because clothes come out of the closet and that's gay
A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.
He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:
"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."
To which the man replies:
"Ma'am, if you were a true lady, it would tip itself."
Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!
Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
My friends told me my clothes were gay...
I replied: "yeah, they came out of the closet this morning!"
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
n**... painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t**.... Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
My wife asked me, If I die, will you re-marry?
I replied, I don't know love, I don't think about those sorts of things.
Well If you did, would she live in our house? she asked
I said, I don't know, I haven't thought about it!
Then she asked Would you let her wear my clothes?
I replied Nah she's not your size
My wife asked me, Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change?
I said, Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes.
My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"
I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts borrowing your wife's clothes...
My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."
So I took off her shirt.
Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."
So I took off her skirt.
Then she says, "Take off my bra and p**......"
So I took off her bra and p**....
Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"
Wife: I'm going to donate all my old clothes to starving people
Husband: Honey, anyone who can fit into your clothes, isn't starving...
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this g**... her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"
Give a man some clothes and he'll be clothed for a day.
Teach a man to weave and he'll be n**... for a very long time.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery
They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.
"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."
"They are n**... and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.
The Russian speaks up, "no clothes, no shelter, no bed, they have only an apple between them, and they're told this is paradise. They are certainly Russian."
