Cloth Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Someone said my clothes were gay

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle...

... and while Jane was asking Tarzan about his life she asked him how he had sex.
Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain.
Tarzan explained that he used a knot hole in a tree trunk.
Jane was shocked by this and said 'You can't do it like that I will have to show you'.
So she takes of all her clothes, lays onto the ground and points to her privates 'Put it in there' she says.
So Tarzan takes off his loin cloth and gets closer and then kicks her as hard as he can in the groin.
Jane is rolling around in agony and says 'What did u do that for?'
Tarzan says 'checking for squirrels'.

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.

"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man o' the cloth, giving way to temptation like that."

A few minutes later, the rabbi also entered the brothel.

"Would you look at that? Always acting so pious, but look at 'im now - dirty hypocrite. Givin' way to sins o' the flesh."

As they continued drinking, complaining all the while about the lack of moral standards of the minister and the rabbi, they saw the Catholic priest creep up to the brothel and knock on the door.

"Ah, now - ain't that a shame! One o' the poor girls must be dyin', and the good Father's come to give 'er the last rites!"

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber

... to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.

That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.

That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his *payoss* [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know?

The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!

Used Clothing

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash?

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

And that's when the fight started...

Two Irishmen are doing roadwork outside a brothel.

They see a rabbi approach. The rabbi looks around carefully and then slips inside.



"Ah, would'ya look at that!" says one man to the other. "A man o' the cloth even! Damned shame..."



Shortly after this, a Protestant minister walks up to the brothel before surreptitiously going in.



"Outrageous!" the road worker says. "No wonder our kids today are so confused!"



Finally, a Catholic priest approaches, looks over his shoulder, then darts in.



"Ah, will ya look at that!" says the road worker. "One o' the poor lasses must be sick."

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

so i went to the clothes shop to buy camouflaged pants...

...and i didn't find any.

Two priests drive around at night.

Going through a wooded area, they are stopped by the police. Seeing he just has stopped two men of the cloth, the officer mutters: "Excuse me, but we are looking for a child molester..." The priests stick their heads together, and after a short whispered discussion, exclaim: "OK, we'll do it!"

The General's new clothes

Preparing for an imminent, decisive battle, the General calls his
experienced, trustworthy aid over for advice.

"I am undecided as to what color uniform to wear" he says, "what did the
great generals in history wear to their most important battles?"

"Well" the aid says, "Napoleon for example wore a red uniform, so just
in case he was injured, his men would not notice and keep fighting along
with him".

"Very well, then" says the general after a moment of contemplation,
staring deep in thought at his reflection in the mirror, "bring me my brown uniform".

New clothing store seen at local Mall named 'Off Topic'.

Apparently it's aimed at edgy teens with ADHD.

If reincarnation was real, I'd come back as a table cloth

I'd get laid three times a day and pulled off at night.

why didn't the clothing drive at the homeless shelter not work out?

..nobody gave a shirt.

A little boy saw his mother naked..

and asked her, "What is that between your legs?"

The woman, having not shaved her pubic hair in a while, says, "It's my wash cloth, darling." The woman shaves her pubic hair that night.

A few days later, the boy sees his mother naked again. "Mom, where did your wash cloth go?"

"I lost it, darling," his mother replies.

A few days after that, the mom comes home to the excited little boy. "Mommy, mommy, I found your wash cloth!!"

"Where, darling?" She asked, confused.

"The lady next door was washing dad's face with it!"

If a clothes designer had a child...

Would it have designer genes?

The family dog was in heat...

Little Bobbys family dog was in heat and his paretns did not want it to walk around the neighbourhood because it hadnt yet been spayed. After a few hours of little bobby bothering his dad to let his take her out for a walk his dad finally relented. He took the dog into the garage and rubbed a cloth in gasoline all over the dogs crotch. "there" bobbys dad said "That ought to keep the male dogs from catching her scent".

Bobby was gone barely 10 minutes before he returned without the dog "wheres Lassie?" the dad asked.

Bobby replied "she ran out of gas halfway back and a kind neighbourhood dog is just pusinng her back"

Lawnmower for sale

A little boy hears the doorbell and answers the door. The gentleman at the door says, "Hi, I'm here about the lawnmower that's for sale."

The little boy replies, "My parents aren't home right now, but it's in the garage if you want to look at it."

The man starts pulling the rope to make sure it will crank. After several tries, he says, "Son, this lawnmower won't start."

The boy says, "That's because you haven't cussed at it yet."

Startled, the man replies, "I'm a man of the cloth. I haven't said any swear words in years."

The boy says, "Keep pulling that rope - it'll come back to you."

My land lord stole all my cloth hanging clips

She is a cliptomaniac.

Your clothes will never forgive you...

You always hang them out to dry.

Mom: I don't think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth.

Child: Yeah. Sew?

Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto . . .

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out in the desert. The Lone Ranger asked Tonto for the time. Tonto takes off his loin cloth, sporting a proud erection. Tonto looks at the shadow of his erection and says "It's 3:15".

The Lone Ranger checks his watch. Sure enough, it's 3:15.

Some time later the Lone Ranger again asks Tonto for the time. Again Tonto takes off his loin cloth, checks the shadow, and says "5:20".

Sure enough it's 5:20.

Later that night, the Lone Ranger walks into Tonto's teepee and catches him stroking himself. The Lone Ranger asks Tonto, what he is doing!

Tonto explains "me wind'em watch!".

What did the clothes designer say to her son at his graduation?

"I'm Prada you son."

Two old Irishmen

are sitting on their porch watching the people walk by. One nudges the other and points to the Rabbi going into the brothel up the street. Such a tragedy to see a religious leader leading such a sinful life! he exclaims.

After a while they watch the Protestant pastor also going into the same house. There's another man of the cloth succumbing to the sins of the flesh!

More time passes before the Catholic priest comes along and follows the same path. Both men sadly remove their caps. Tis a sad thing, one of the poor lasses needs last rites.

A guy buys an old brass lamp at a flea market

He takes it home, and starts to clean it up. He rubs it a few times with a polishing cloth, and a genie pops out.

The guy says, "Hey, look at that, a genie. I get three wishes, right?

The genie says, "Sorry, no. People were wishing for all kinds of crazy stuff, so we had to cut it down. You get to choose from one of two wishes. You can wish for a better sex life, or a better golf game.

The guy thinks about it for a bit, and says, "You know, my short game hasn't improved in years, no matter how hard I try. I'd like a better golf game."

The genie says, "Really? I haven't been at this genie thing for that long, but you are the first guy I've had who wanted a better golf game. You must get more chicks than Hugh Hefner.

"Oh, nothing like that."

"But still, you must be getting it two or three times a day."

"Be serious"

"Once a day at least"

"No, not that often"

"Well, what's your sex life like?"

"I probably average once or twice a week."

"You're getting laid once or twice a week and you don't think that there's room for improvement?

The guy says, "Well, I think I do pretty well for a priest in a small town who doesn't drive."

What do you call a woman of the cloth up in heaven

Nun of the above

So a clothes designer drank from the Fountain of Youth...

Now she's Forever 21.

Why do mathematicians dislike cloth rugs?

They prefer fur mats.

A monk is arrested for stealing cloth...

The police officer let's him go with a warning, tells him not to make a habit of it.

What do you call a piece of cloth that excels at relaxing?

... A napking.

The Mexican magician

There was this famous magician in Mexico and his signature act was disappearing into thin air. Everytime he performs this act, he would cover himself under a huge piece of cloth and count, "uno", "dos", and poof, he vanished out of sight without a tres

My clothes were traumatically stolen from me.

But I've recovered.

My girlfriend asked me what size table cloth we should buy

I told her "12x15."

She asked, "feet or inches?" and I told her either one, doesn't matter.

Can't wait to see which one she buys.

Why do the people of Pern make all their cloth out of yarn?

Because they're afraid of Thread!

What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?

One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.

I bought a new crucifix-stand for my church but accidentally got the wrong cloth pattern

Apologies, cross-post from a different thread.

I asked my mother if I could have some cloth to give to the nuns.

She said, "Fine, just don't let it become a habit"

What role did Mike Tyson have to play for his Christmas special?

Sani Cloth

A clothing store down the street from me has gotten really lazy with their customer service

I just saw them put up a sign that says "Suit yourself!"

What do clothes and religion have in common?

Someone invented them and forced them on everyone.

What goes across the periodic table?

The periodic table cloth.

What do clothing wrinkles and mistakes have in common?

My Clothes Dryer sounds like Zoidberg.

wub wub wub wub wub wub....

What do a wash cloth and a pizza have in common?

The crust.

I like my clothes the way I like my money

Laundered.

Rihanna's new clothes.

Chris Brown is in the news again.
At a popular club downtown he apparently got drunk and started shouting "I'm gonna beat Rihanna till she's gold and white".

My son and I are cut from the same cloth.

Genes.

A priest owned a haberdashery.....

...he was a man of the cloth.

A clothier opened a business in Utah

He is selling exploding clip-on ties to mormons. I asked how is business?
He said prophets are blowing up.

Source:
This is a corruption of a joke from sexypandalord. Most mormons are fine upstanding people and i do not advocate violence against them. Except for Bill.

A rabbi, a priest and a nun ...

A rabbi, a priest and a nun were walking down a forest path chatting whence all of a sudden a bright light appeared and an angel came forth saying that God had offered each of them a small piece of cloth to do as they please with.

The rabbi exulted that he will fashion it into a skull cap and was so pleased that he promised immediately to return to the same spot every day for the rest of his life to see if he could procure even more holy cloth.

The priest said he will fashion it into a dog collar and also return to the same spot in the hope of getting more.

The rabbi and priest both looked at the nun as she stood their defiantly......"I'm NOT making a habit out of this".

Why did the clothing store close?

The employees where slacking off.

What are the funniest cloth jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Cloth? Well, here are the best Cloth puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Cloth pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes