Closing Deals Jokes
19 closing deals jokes and hilarious closing deals puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about closing deals that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Closing Deals Short Jokes
Short closing deals jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The closing deals humour may include short closing time jokes also.
- My wife said she couldn't deal with my OCD anymore. I said fine, open and close the door five times and leave.
- What's the most awkward aspect of bar-tending at an internet cafe? You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs.
- This one has always tickled me! My father is the inventor of the rear view mirror. He means a great deal to me but looking back we're not as close as we seem!
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Closing Deals One Liners
Which closing deals one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with closing deals? I can suggest the ones about opening closing and deals.
- What is a Mexicans closing sales pitch? Kay-so-deal-a?
Closing Deals Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about closing deals you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean accounting close jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make closing deals pranks.
A close friend recently died, and at the f**... I asked if I could say a word
The family agreed and as I stood as the podium, I exhaled, "Bargain".
Teary eyed the family thanked me, they knew it meant a great deal.
A pair of twins have a deal...
They constantly get in trouble with the law for various reasons and are frequently thrown in jail. They don't like staying in jail for too long, so they made a deal: if only one of the twins is arrested and imprisoned, the other twin will sneak in and swap places with them when they have spent half the time served in prison.
It's great to see these twins are so close that they're always finish each other's sentences.
My brother works in the garage door business
I asked him how it is. He said it has its ups and downs.
He's really happy for the job, though. The opportunity was really an open door for him.
Apparently they've made him into their main salesperson, since he really knows how to close the deal.
I hope you found these puns to be....uplifting.
A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them
"Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.
The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th step. The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh hysterically . God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"
She replies "I just got the first one."
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Heres a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks. The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his g**... unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. I'll give it a try, she says, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
Putin is at a press conference...
Reporter: Good day, I'm John Smith from the Coca-Cola company. Mr president I have a question. You've been trying to get the old times back, and bringing the good old communism back.
Putin: Communism bring back russia, yes
Reporter:Why don't you also bring the old red flag back? And maybe we will close a 5 billion dollar deal if you put our logo very tiny in a little corner...
Putin: Hmm, I have discuss this
*Putin whispers to his Prime Minister*: Psst, Medvedev, when ends the Aquafresh contract?
An American goes to Japan....
...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a h**... in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.
In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.
The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!
Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"
A driver walks into a bar with a pet...
A driver walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of Its head.
The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his g**... unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With The Beer Bottle:)
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his g**... unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. I'll give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
Etiquette for beginners
[adapted from a scene in the film Carry on Cruising]
A steward on a cruise ship is hesitating outside a door to a cabin with a p**... of coffee on a tray. The chief purser doing his rounds sees him and asks him what he's doing.
"Well sir, it's like this", the steward begins, "I'm completely new to this job and I'm a little worried as to what to do if I find passengers in a *delicate* state in their cabin, you see?"
The purser smiles and puts his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Ah", he says, "you just need to learn how to deal with such situations with a bit of dignity and blindness. I once knew a steward who walked in on a beautiful young woman completely n**... in the shower. Well, he just put the tray down on the side, said 'Excuse me, sir' and left without missing a beat. Do you see?"
The steward thinks for a moment and smiles "Yes, yes! That's very good that! I'll remember that!"
"Well, what are you waiting for then?" says the purser pointing out the still closed cabin door. "Get on with it, before that coffee gets cold"
The steward takes a deep breath, puffs out his chest, knocks and opens the door. Inside, he finds a newly wed couple on their honeymoon, in bed and very passionately engrossed in each other, and they clearly haven't noticed his arrival.
He hesitates before remembering what the purser told him, and decides to interrupt: "Hello there, which of you two fellahs takes sugar then?"
A Japanese and American businessman are closing a deal.....
The American was new in Japan and did not know the customs or language. He was a quick learner though and after weeks of negotiations, he sealed the deal.
The Japanese man says, "ask for anything to make your last couple of days more enjoyable.". The American says, well I'd love a beautiful Japanese woman if you know what I mean. The Japanese businessman fulfilled his promise and that night he had a japenese beauty in his bed. They start at it and the girl start shouting " mosuki mosuki". He goes harder and she yells in passion, " mosuki mosuki". The business man start thinking, that must mean good job or great. They part ways and he wakes up next morning to play golf with the business man. On the first green as the Japanese man is about to sink his pity he American thinks to impress him with his Japanese vocbulary. As he sinks the putt he says, "mosuki" the Japanese business man looks at him puzzled and asks. " what do you mean wrong hole?"
A guy is walking down the street and passes a hardware store...
...advertising a sale on a chain saw that is capable of cutting seven hundred trees is seven hours. The guy thinks this is a great deal and decides to buy one.
The next day, he comes back with the saw and complains to the salesman that the thing didn't even come close to cutting down the seven hundred trees the ad said it would.
"Well," said the salesman, "let's test it out back."
Finding a log, the salesman pulls the starter cord and the saw makes a great roaring sound.
"What's that noise?" asks the guy.
A Test For Heaven
There was a man who was only killing lawyers in a big city, and all day St. Peter was hearing excuses from them about why they HAD to do the things they did. He was sick of it.
Then, another lawyer showed up at the gates, and St. Peter did not want to deal with hearing his excuses, so he told him, "Heaven is starting to get a little crowded today, so there is now going to be a test to see if you can get in. I'll ask one question, get it right and your in."
After he finished telling the lawyer, St. Peter saw that a cop and a priest were at the gates as well and they heard everything. Knowing that he couldn't just give the test to the lawyer now that they all heard it, he thinks and finally says it's time to star the test.
First he asks the priest, "What early 20th century ship met its demise by hitting an ice berg during its maiden voyage?" The priest says, "The Titanic" and St. Peter lets him into Heaven.
Then, he goes to the cop and asks, "How many people died during the demise of the Titanic?" The cop thinks for a second before replying, "around 2000," and St. Peter says, "close enough," before letting him in.
Finally he goes to the lawyer and says, "name them."
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He put the alligator up on the bar.
He turned to the astonished patrons and said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his g**... unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."