Closest Jokes
62 closest jokes and hilarious closest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about closest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Closest Short Jokes
Short closest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The closest humour may include short nearest jokes also.
- Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life
- The fortune teller told me I'd lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years. To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.
- I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night. That's the closest to healthcare coverage I've had since I was 26.
cries in American - I was never allowed to see Alien vs. Predator as a kid The closest I got was watching my uncle rant about immigrants.
- What did all of Donald Trump's closest friends say to him at Christmas? I beg your pardon.
- A cheers for women's underwear... ...they might not be the best thing, but they are the closest thing to it
- It's funny that Schumer and humor rhyme Cause that is the closest she will ever get to being funny.
- I love cheese. One of my closest friends love selling me some of his. Guess you can say he is my quesa-dealer.
- I'm not racist, a lot of my closest friends are black. My favourite is the guy in Cell 21.
- Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans. Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.
Share These Closest Jokes With Friends
Closest One Liners
Which closest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with closest? I can suggest the ones about lowest and closer.
- I'am So Ugly..... That when my dog humps my leg, he closest his eyes and looks away.
- When is the closest Leo will get to an Oscar? When he takes out the trash
- St. Patrick's Day... It's the closest Irish will ever get to Christmas.
- I decided to write a joke about restraining orders. This is the closest I could get.
- (Scottish) 10 cows in a field Which ones closest to Saudi Arabia?
Coo eight - What does a skeleton call his closest friends? His verte-bruhs!
- Gold-198 Is the closest thing to Half-life 3.
- I love Hershey's Kisses... They are the closest I'll ever get to true affection.
- Whats the closest a Mexican will ever be to happiness? The border.
- A guy walked into a bar. He was brought to the closest hospital quickly.
Comical Closest Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about closest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean highest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make closest pranks.
Getting punch at a party.
A drunk stumbles into a party and gets in line to grab a drink from the punchbowl. Upon reaching the terminus, he spills the entire bowl all over the table and those closest to him in line. A bouncer seizes him by the scuff of the neck and angrily declares: "Look what you've done! You've s**... up the punchline!"
A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...
so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."
Irony is when
you see someone circle around the parking lot 5 times to get the spot closest to the gym
Why do 4chan users jump in front of trucks for s**...?
It's the closest they'll ever get to a grill.
If an Astronaut Vomits in L.E.O.
If an Astronaut vomits in L.E.O., what do you call the portion of the v**... closest to the Earth?
The Ralph Nadir
Teacher vs Student
Teacher: What's the name of the closest country to USA?
Student: USB.
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
When a woman is in labor...
When a woman is in labor and the pain is so unbearable, it is the closest she comes to understanding what it is like to be a man with the common cold.
:}
A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...
The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"
CNN recently released a new report from one of Trumps closest aides. The unnamed source has disclosed that Trump has been diagnosed with sphincter dysfunction.
President Trump responded: "the news is fake, but the leaks are real."
A mother asked her young son where he posted his letter in Saudi Arabia
He replies: "The closest one I found, I saw black letter boxes everywhere"
A Woman is Having a Baby
When the baby comes out he looks at the doctor and says "are you my dad?", he says no I'm the doctor. The baby then looks around to another man and asks "are you my dad?", the man says no I'm your uncle. The baby then looks around again and says to the person closest to his mother "are you my dad?" The man says "yes I am your dad". The baby then proceeds to poke the man on the head repeatedly and said "well how does that feel?!"
A pilot bailed out of his crashing plane and landed on an uncharted island.
He soon found himself surrounded by natives with spears. A big native adorned with decorations points at the pilot.
I'm s**..., says the pilot.
God opens up the clouds and says to the pilot, No, you're not s**.... Grab the closest spear and throw it through the leader's heart.
The pilot does this.
NOW you're s**..., says God.
Why do g**... have a great sense of clothing?
They spend some time inside the closest! Bah dum tsssss
A man goes to a bar
He sits down at the closest empty spot with the longest face you can imagine. The bartender asks him what's up while giving him his beer. He says with the saddest voice: "me and my wife had a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". Understanding his struggles the bartender says he must really love his wife and miss her. "No" he says, "today is the last day".
My dentist doesn't like the fact that I've been chewing on quarters.
It's the closest I'll ever get to having a Bitcoin.
What does the s**...-bomber monk, who hates janitors but loves puns, do, before blowing himself up?
He looks at the closest custodian and says
"PEACE IS EVERYWHERE!"
The French eat more butter than any country per capita
They're ahead of the next closest by a large margarine
Blonde walks into a library and searches around for an hour.
Eventually she approaches the librarian with a book in her hands.
"Ah, learning all about fire I see", says the librarian, "very interesting".
"Well, no actually... " replies the blonde, "my boyfriend sent me out to get something, but this is the closest I could find".
"I'm sure I can help", says the librarian, "what did he ask you to find?"
"A book of matches"
A Blonde, Red Head and Brunette
were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away, so in turn they try to swim to the island, the brunette swims 10 km then drowns, the red head swims 30 km then drowns, the blond swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.
I've only told my closest friend that I lost my job as a film director.
##
## I don't want to make a scene.
A nofapper has gone a week without succumbing to their m**... addiction...
This is the closest they are to beating it.
Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.
Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?
The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .
Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?
Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .
My closest companions are horses that seem to think they can consume a lot of alcohol.
But I can drink them all under the stable.
Men will never experience the pain of a period
Because the closest we'll ever get is a coma.
Me and my friend were about to play a game of darts. "Nearest to the bull goes first" I said
He went "bah" I went "moo"
he said "alright you're closest."
Cashiers are always checking me out
That's the closest I'll ever get to a woman being interested in me
President Bush, three Brazilian soldiers were just killed.
President Bush: "That's terrible. Brazil is one of our closest allies."
What do you call having s**... with your closest friend?
BESTIEality.
Also, Homiesexuality.
Three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench
Three very old ladies were sitting on a park bench together on a lovely sunny day when a f**... stopped at the end of their bench, faced them and exposed himself!
Well the old lady closest to him took a look and immediately had a s**...! Then the lady in the middle of the bench also looked then had a s**...! The last old lady at the end of the bench, poor love, couldn't reach that far.
The difference between a man and a woman's friends.
A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
To get her back he did not come home the next night. The next day his wife met him at the door furious at him. He swore he spent the night at his buddy's house.
She called 10 of his closest friends. 8 of them confirmed that he spent the night at their house, two of them swore that he was still there sound asleep.
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.
When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit .
The physicist states: Truly there is no fruit. The fruit is simply the interaction of fundamental forces and unseeable particles colliding through time until the fruit is formed .
The Common Man replies: It's an apple.
Bono walks into a bar in Tijuana.
He has thirteen of his closest friends with him, and he offers to buy the first round. He walks up to the bartender and orders in Spanish. The bartender comes out a bit later and hands out all the beers.
Bono laughs and says, "I love this place. Every time I come here, I order four drinks, and the bartender brings out fourteen!"
The closest I have come to being a professional comedian.
At the farmers market they told me ears of corn were a dozen for $10 or a dollar each. I said "ooh so you've got pirate corn?!?!". And he gave me a quizzical look... I said "It's a buccaneer!" And he groaned and gave me a free ear of corn.
I got paid for my comedy, that means I'm a professional right??
At the barbershop
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
\- "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
\- "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech
\- "And what if I s**... it?"
\- "No problem" says the barber.
\- "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
A travelling salesman
A travelling salesman's car has broken down. It's late at night, so he walks to the closest farmhouse and asks to stay there for the night.
\- You can spend the night, but you'll have to share the room with my 17-year-old son, says the farmer.
\- F#c**.... I'm in a wrong joke.
