Closest Jokes

Following is our collection of noisiest puns and confidant one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Closest jokes for adults, dirty dearest jokes and clean proximity dad gags for kids.

The Best Closest Puns

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?

The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .

Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?

Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

A pilot bailed out of his crashing plane and landed on an uncharted island.

He soon found himself surrounded by natives with spears. A big native adorned with decorations points at the pilot.

I'm screwed, says the pilot.

God opens up the clouds and says to the pilot, No, you're not screwed. Grab the closest spear and throw it through the leader's heart.

The pilot does this.

NOW you're screwed, says God.

A cheers for women's underwear...

...they might not be the best thing, but they are the closest thing to it

A man goes to a bar

He sits down at the closest empty spot with the longest face you can imagine. The bartender asks him what's up while giving him his beer. He says with the saddest voice: "me and my wife had a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". Understanding his struggles the bartender says he must really love his wife and miss her. "No" he says, "today is the last day".

What do you call having sex with your closest friend?


Also, Homiesexuality.

It's funny that Schumer and humor rhyme

Cause that is the closest she will ever get to being funny.

Why do gays have a great sense of clothing?

They spend some time inside the closest! Bah dum tsssss

I'm not racist, a lot of my closest friends are black.

My favourite is the guy in Cell 21.

Blonde walks into a library and searches around for an hour.

Eventually she approaches the librarian with a book in her hands.

"Ah, learning all about fire I see", says the librarian, "very interesting".

"Well, no actually... " replies the blonde, "my boyfriend sent me out to get something, but this is the closest I could find".

"I'm sure I can help", says the librarian, "what did he ask you to find?"

"A book of matches"

Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

A Woman is Having a Baby

When the baby comes out he looks at the doctor and says "are you my dad?", he says no I'm the doctor. The baby then looks around to another man and asks "are you my dad?", the man says no I'm your uncle. The baby then looks around again and says to the person closest to his mother "are you my dad?" The man says "yes I am your dad". The baby then proceeds to poke the man on the head repeatedly and said "well how does that feel?!"

My dentist doesn't like the fact that I've been chewing on quarters.

It's the closest I'll ever get to having a Bitcoin.

The French eat more butter than any country per capita

They're ahead of the next closest by a large margarine

Getting punch at a party.

A drunk stumbles into a party and gets in line to grab a drink from the punchbowl. Upon reaching the terminus, he spills the entire bowl all over the table and those closest to him in line. A bouncer seizes him by the scuff of the neck and angrily declares: "Look what you've done! You've screwed up the punchline!"

Men will never experience the pain of a period

Because the closest we'll ever get is a coma.

I've only told my closest friend that I lost my job as a film director.


## I don't want to make a scene.

I'am So Ugly.....

That when my dog humps my leg, he closest his eyes and looks away.

CNN recently released a new report from one of Trumps closest aides. The unnamed source has disclosed that Trump has been diagnosed with sphincter dysfunction.

President Trump responded: "the news is fake, but the leaks are real."

A Blonde, Red Head and Brunette

were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away, so in turn they try to swim to the island, the brunette swims 10 km then drowns, the red head swims 30 km then drowns, the blond swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.

When is the closest Leo will get to an Oscar?

When he takes out the trash

When a woman is in labor...

When a woman is in labor and the pain is so unbearable, it is the closest she comes to understanding what it is like to be a man with the common cold.


Irony is when

you see someone circle around the parking lot 5 times to get the spot closest to the gym

I decided to write a joke about restraining orders.

This is the closest I could get.

Three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench

Three very old ladies were sitting on a park bench together on a lovely sunny day when a flasher stopped at the end of their bench, faced them and exposed himself!

Well the old lady closest to him took a look and immediately had a stroke! Then the lady in the middle of the bench also looked then had a stroke! The last old lady at the end of the bench, poor love, couldn't reach that far.

What does the suicide-bomber monk, who hates janitors but loves puns, do, before blowing himself up?

He looks at the closest custodian and says


My closest companions are horses that seem to think they can consume a lot of alcohol.

But I can drink them all under the stable.

St. Patrick's Day...

It's the closest Irish will ever get to Christmas.

Me and my friend were about to play a game of darts. "Nearest to the bull goes first" I said

He went "bah" I went "moo"

he said "alright you're closest."

A nofapper has gone a week without succumbing to their masturbation addiction...

This is the closest they are to beating it.

RIP to longtime 'the Price is Right' host Bob Barker

He's still alive, but he's 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

Teacher vs Student

Teacher: What's the name of the closest country to USA?

Student: USB.

(Scottish) 10 cows in a field

Which ones closest to Saudi Arabia?

Coo eight

President Bush, three Brazilian soldiers were just killed.

President Bush: "That's terrible. Brazil is one of our closest allies."

Masturbating with cold hands...

is the closest that you can get to "technically necrophilia"

A mother asked her young son where he posted his letter in Saudi Arabia

He replies: "The closest one I found, I saw black letter boxes everywhere"

Why do 4chan users jump in front of trucks for suicide?

It's the closest they'll ever get to a grill.

Cashiers are always checking me out

That's the closest I'll ever get to a woman being interested in me


Is the closest thing to Half-life 3.

If an Astronaut Vomits in L.E.O.

If an Astronaut vomits in L.E.O., what do you call the portion of the vomit closest to the Earth?

The Ralph Nadir

What does a skeleton call his closest friends?

His verte-bruhs!

There is an abundance of unnamed jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 43 funniest jokes and closest puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any horny witze you can hear about closest.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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