The Best 49 Closest Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Closest jokes. There are some closest confidant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these closest proximity puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Closest Jokes and Puns

Getting punch at a party.

A drunk stumbles into a party and gets in line to grab a drink from the punchbowl. Upon reaching the terminus, he spills the entire bowl all over the table and those closest to him in line. A bouncer seizes him by the scuff of the neck and angrily declares: "Look what you've done! You've screwed up the punchline!"

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

I decided to write a joke about restraining orders.

This is the closest I could get.

Closest joke, I decided to write a joke about restraining orders.

Irony is when

you see someone circle around the parking lot 5 times to get the spot closest to the gym

A cheers for women's underwear...

...they might not be the best thing, but they are the closest thing to it


Why do 4chan users jump in front of trucks for suicide?

It's the closest they'll ever get to a grill.

When is the closest Leo will get to an Oscar?

When he takes out the trash

Closest joke, When is the closest Leo will get to an Oscar?

If an Astronaut Vomits in L.E.O.

If an Astronaut vomits in L.E.O., what do you call the portion of the vomit closest to the Earth?

The Ralph Nadir

Teacher vs Student

Teacher: What's the name of the closest country to USA?

Student: USB.

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Gold-198

Is the closest thing to Half-life 3.

You can explore closest noisiest reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean closest dearest dad jokes. There are also closest puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


When a woman is in labor...

When a woman is in labor and the pain is so unbearable, it is the closest she comes to understanding what it is like to be a man with the common cold.

:}

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

CNN recently released a new report from one of Trumps closest aides. The unnamed source has disclosed that Trump has been diagnosed with sphincter dysfunction.

President Trump responded: "the news is fake, but the leaks are real."

I'am So Ugly.....

That when my dog humps my leg, he closest his eyes and looks away.

I'm not racist, a lot of my closest friends are black.

My favourite is the guy in Cell 21.

Closest joke, I'm not racist, a lot of my closest friends are black.

It's funny that Schumer and humor rhyme

Cause that is the closest she will ever get to being funny.

A mother asked her young son where he posted his letter in Saudi Arabia

He replies: "The closest one I found, I saw black letter boxes everywhere"

A Woman is Having a Baby

When the baby comes out he looks at the doctor and says "are you my dad?", he says no I'm the doctor. The baby then looks around to another man and asks "are you my dad?", the man says no I'm your uncle. The baby then looks around again and says to the person closest to his mother "are you my dad?" The man says "yes I am your dad". The baby then proceeds to poke the man on the head repeatedly and said "well how does that feel?!"


A pilot bailed out of his crashing plane and landed on an uncharted island.

He soon found himself surrounded by natives with spears. A big native adorned with decorations points at the pilot.

I'm screwed, says the pilot.

God opens up the clouds and says to the pilot, No, you're not screwed. Grab the closest spear and throw it through the leader's heart.

The pilot does this.

NOW you're screwed, says God.

Why do gays have a great sense of clothing?

They spend some time inside the closest! Bah dum tsssss

A man goes to a bar

He sits down at the closest empty spot with the longest face you can imagine. The bartender asks him what's up while giving him his beer. He says with the saddest voice: "me and my wife had a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". Understanding his struggles the bartender says he must really love his wife and miss her. "No" he says, "today is the last day".

My dentist doesn't like the fact that I've been chewing on quarters.

It's the closest I'll ever get to having a Bitcoin.

What does the suicide-bomber monk, who hates janitors but loves puns, do, before blowing himself up?

He looks at the closest custodian and says

"PEACE IS EVERYWHERE!"

The French eat more butter than any country per capita

They're ahead of the next closest by a large margarine

Blonde walks into a library and searches around for an hour.

Eventually she approaches the librarian with a book in her hands.

"Ah, learning all about fire I see", says the librarian, "very interesting".

"Well, no actually... " replies the blonde, "my boyfriend sent me out to get something, but this is the closest I could find".

"I'm sure I can help", says the librarian, "what did he ask you to find?"

"A book of matches"

A Blonde, Red Head and Brunette

were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away, so in turn they try to swim to the island, the brunette swims 10 km then drowns, the red head swims 30 km then drowns, the blond swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.

I've only told my closest friend that I lost my job as a film director.

##

## I don't want to make a scene.

A nofapper has gone a week without succumbing to their masturbation addiction...

This is the closest they are to beating it.

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?

The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .

Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?

Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .

St. Patrick's Day...

It's the closest Irish will ever get to Christmas.

My closest companions are horses that seem to think they can consume a lot of alcohol.

But I can drink them all under the stable.

Men will never experience the pain of a period

Because the closest we'll ever get is a coma.

Me and my friend were about to play a game of darts. "Nearest to the bull goes first" I said

He went "bah" I went "moo"

he said "alright you're closest."

Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

What does a skeleton call his closest friends?

His verte-bruhs!

Cashiers are always checking me out

That's the closest I'll ever get to a woman being interested in me

Masturbating with cold hands...

is the closest that you can get to "technically necrophilia"

President Bush, three Brazilian soldiers were just killed.

President Bush: "That's terrible. Brazil is one of our closest allies."

RIP to longtime 'the Price is Right' host Bob Barker

He's still alive, but he's 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

(Scottish) 10 cows in a field

Which ones closest to Saudi Arabia?

Coo eight

What do you call having sex with your closest friend?

BESTIEality.

Also, Homiesexuality.

Three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench

Three very old ladies were sitting on a park bench together on a lovely sunny day when a flasher stopped at the end of their bench, faced them and exposed himself!

Well the old lady closest to him took a look and immediately had a stroke! Then the lady in the middle of the bench also looked then had a stroke! The last old lady at the end of the bench, poor love, couldn't reach that far.

What did all of Donald Trump's closest friends say to him at Christmas?

I beg your pardon.

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

To get her back he did not come home the next night. The next day his wife met him at the door furious at him. He swore he spent the night at his buddy's house.

She called 10 of his closest friends. 8 of them confirmed that he spent the night at their house, two of them swore that he was still there sound asleep.

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother laughs and says "if you think having a husband will bring you that much pleasure you've got a lot to learn."

I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night.

That's the closest to healthcare coverage I've had since I was 26.

cries in American

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit .

The physicist states: Truly there is no fruit. The fruit is simply the interaction of fundamental forces and unseeable particles colliding through time until the fruit is formed .

The Common Man replies: It's an apple.

Bono walks into a bar in Tijuana.

He has thirteen of his closest friends with him, and he offers to buy the first round. He walks up to the bartender and orders in Spanish. The bartender comes out a bit later and hands out all the beers.

Bono laughs and says, "I love this place. Every time I come here, I order four drinks, and the bartender brings out fourteen!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the closest unnamed jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working closest horny piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes