The Best 64 Closes Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Closes jokes. There are some closes ope jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these closes closure puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Closes Jokes and Puns

Two rapists

Two guys are driving a car when they are stopped by the police. The guy opens his window and asks what's going on. The police: "We are looking for two rapists." The guy closes his window and the police sees the two guys discussing and making gestures. Finally the guy opens his window again: "Okay, we're in."

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.

When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course...

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.

The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.

Closes joke, A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course...

Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Zen Master and the Hot Dog

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."


A young boy goes to his father and says "Dad, I think my gym teacher is gay".

His father says "Why do think that?"
The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."

A guy opens the door to a brothel

And asks, "What can I get for five dollars"

One of the girls looks at him and says, "why don't you go jack off in your car?"

Guy closes the door and comes back 10 minutes later,

'Who do I give the 5 dollars to?'

Closes joke, A guy opens the door to a brothel

A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.

She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."

She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his throat and leans in.

"Anything?" he asks.

"Anything," she nods.

He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"

A man goes to a barbershop...

Asks the barber, what time do you close today? Barber says 4:30 and the man walks off. Man comes in the next day asks what time the barber closes shop, barber says 5 o'clock and the man walks off. This goes on for some time and one day the barber sends an apprentice to follow the man. The apprentice gets back. Barber asks "well who is this guy where does he walk off to every time" apprentice says "your place"

A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller

Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.

The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"

The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"

"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."

Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide and seek...

Einstein volunteers to be it so he closes his eyes and counts to 30. As he is counting, Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton draws a square (1x1 metre) and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around and sees Newton. He says, "Newton, you're it. I found you." But then Newton says, "No, you found one Newton over a square metre; therefore, you've found Pascal!"

You can explore closes shut reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean closes open dad jokes. There are also closes puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck

and says make me one with everything. The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. Where's my change? the monk asks. The vendor replies, change comes from within

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time

*door closes on way out*

When is the closest Leo will get to an Oscar?

When he takes out the trash

When one door closes...

An incognito window opens.

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

Closes joke, A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

Trump's ego is so big...

Trump's ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.

-Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump

Little Johnny meets his future self.

One day Little Johnny was in his room practicing piano. When suddenly a portal opens revealing Big Johnny, little Johnny's future self. Little Johnny excitedly asks Big Johnny "What am I going to be in the future." Big Johnny replies "A pedophile" as he closes the lights and doors.

Mr.Bond caught pants down

"Ah, Mr Bond, I-"
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
"-wasn't expecting you."


"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says make me one with everything ...

The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. Excuse me, but where's my change? asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, Change must come from within.

Trump has such high ego

that when he bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he is jerking off.

Two men are golfing at a local golf course

The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.

The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

A couple of ten years is in bed

They haven't had sex in months. The man unexpectedly starts caressing her knees, then her tighs. She starts breathing heavily. He caresses her waist, her belly. She closes her eyes and starts biting her lips. He caresses her breast, her shoulders. She's getting there.

"Found the remote!"

I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes!

It's called Twenty Pho Seven

"Whenever one door closes, another opens."

"Wow, you must be very optimistic about life."


"No, I live in a haunted house."

A boy and his father are in an argument

Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"

Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"

Son: *Stomps up stairs*

Son: *Walks into his room, gently closes the door*

Son: "Jim Morrison sucks!"

Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

Two guys are driving late at night

Suddenly, they are stopped by police. The driver opens the window.

Guy: Evening, officer
Officer: Good evening sir.
Guy: Did we do something wrong?
Officer: No sir, we've stopped you because we are looking for two rapists.
Guy: Ah, ok. One sec please, officer.

The guy closes the window, talks to his buddy, then opens the window again and says: "Ok officer, we'll do it."

A doctor and a lawyer met with an accident....

A doctor and a lawyer in 2 cars collide on a country road.
The lawyer seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepts and has a couple of generous sips and hands it back to the lawyer, who closes it and puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave."

A man walks into a bar

He looks quite down. He sits down and orders a drink, drinks it, orders another, then another and goes on to drink till the bar closes. The bartender asks him to pay and leave but the man asks for a last drink. While serving him, the bartender asks him what has happened and the man replies, "I lost my wallet"

Why is it so easy to break into God's house?

When God closes a door he opens a window.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

Checking your levels

A woman observes her husband as he enters the kitchen, opens the sugar box, looks inside and closes it.Β He does it again and again. So she asks him why?

He answers: "Because the doctor told me to check my sugar levels regularly."

When one door closes another one opens

That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!

You know how it is in life. When one door closes, another one opens.

"Yes very nice, but I'm not buying the car until you fix that."

A magician says to his audience...

A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.

As one door closes, another opens...

I really wish I'd followed the instructions building this wardrobe.

Shaquille O'neal must be a big fan of the B-52's.

He closes all his letters with Love Shack.

'When one door closes another one opens,' he said.

'That is great,' I replied, 'nevertheless I want you to repair the car before you sell it to me.'

When one door closes, another one opens...

...and that is when you realize you've bought a really bad second hand car.

What does an angry narcissist and a rooster have in common?

When a rooster crows, their hearing closes off so they don't damage their hearing. The narcissist does the same when yelling.

A man walks into a barber shop every day and asks the barber what time he closes shop.

He never gets a cut. Only asks. The barber grows frustrated and asks his apprentice to follow the man after he asks to see who he is and why he might be asking. The apprentice returns shortly after. The barber asks "well, where did he go?" The apprentice replies "your house."

I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

Will and Tom go to the theatre, but Will gets up to leave after the curtain closes for the first interval.

'Where are you going?' asks Tom. 'It's not worth the wait,' says Will. 'Look in the programme. Act two - one month later.'

Yo mamma so ugly...

my dog closes his eyes while humping her leg.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven's been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.

My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens.

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

What does Karen do when she wants to see all her friends?

She closes her eyes.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek.

Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen.

Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand.

He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter.

You've found Pascal!"

Why can't the cop go to sleep?

Cuz when he closes his eyes everything goes black.

When one door closes, another one opens.

I gotta get my car fixed ASAP.

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and says "Newton! I found you! You're it!"

"No," says Newton. "You found a Newton in one square meter. You found Pascal!"

Another three nuns joke....Three nuns are walking home late one night when suddenly they are attacked by three men.

The men pull them into the bushes and begin to assault them.

The first nun, clutching her rosary beads says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The second one closes her eyes and says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The third nun says, "this one does."

Two men are playing golf.

One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. Β 

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very feeling man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

When one door closes, another one opens.

When one door closes, another one opens. Other than that, it's a pretty good car.

:)

When one door closes, another one opens

Other than that it's a pretty good car.

Barking mouse

The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Seeing that the coast is clear, mama mouse came up to her babies and gathered them up. Having made sure that all her babies are accounted for, she said, "see children, that's why it's so important to learn a 2nd language."

One door closes, another door opens...

I need a new car!

When one door closes, another door opens...

other than that, it's a pretty good airplane.

My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens.

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

When one door closes, another door opens.

You are being ejected through the air lock.

A blonde and brunette walk into an elevator

They exchange pleasantries and the door closes, the next floor a man gets in with terrible dandruff.
Both women look at each other but don't say anything.
When the man gets off and the door shuts they share a laugh.
The brunette says wow he could definitely use some head and shoulders!
The blonde gives her a look and replies How do you give shoulders?

Every time one door closes, another opens.

I think my house is haunted.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the closes taps jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working closes nearby piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes