Closely Jokes

Following is our collection of curiously puns and vigorously one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Closely jokes for adults, dirty loosely jokes and clean strongly dad gags for kids.

The Best Closely Puns

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?

Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?

Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

When you look really closely,..

all mirrors look like eyeballs.


A Gynecologist walks into an exam room

Gynecologist walks into an exam room. The woman on the exam table shows the doctor two strange green dots, one on each inner thigh. Puzzled at first, the doctor examines them more closely. He then asks the woman "Would you happen to be a lesbian?" The woman answers "Why, yes, but I don't see what that has to do with these dots!" The doctor replied.. "Tell your girlfriend to get some REAL gold earrings!"

My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.

A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

A man walks into a library...

...The man walks up to the librarian and says "Can I have a burger and fries please." The librarian, confused, replies with "Sir, this is a library."
The man apologises, leans in closely and whispers "Can I have a burger and fries please."

The head instructor at the Al-Qaeda's training camp starts his lesson on suicide bombing...

"Now listen up closely everyone be, I'm only gonna be showing this once".

The Job Interview

Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.

He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.

Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the other.

Well done!

Applicant 2: Are your ears uneven?

Yes, well done!

Applicant 3: Are you wearing contact lenses?

How'd you know that?

Well, you'd never wear glasses with ears like that.


Meanwhile at an ISIS training camp

A bunch of prospective terrorists gathered for their final training lesson before going into the field.

Their instructor said, Now, watch closely, children. I can only show you how to do this once.

A terrorist is training a group of newbies

"Alright class, listen closely as I can only show you how to do this ONCE"

How Many Aerospace Engineers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Although the exact number is a closely held state secret requiring level 5 security clearance, I can assure you, that for $50,000, it *can* be done.

A man walks into a library

And says to the librarian "Hi! I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of weed please."

The librarian says "Sir, this is a library!"

The man says "Sorry" and then leans in closely and whispers " I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of weed please."

When Snoop Dogg fries bacon, he listens closely...

... fo' sizzle.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead had a swimming race

They had to do the breast stroke. The brunette finished first, followed closely by the redhead. They had to go save the blonde because she seemed to be drowning.

When the blonde was able to speak she yelled, "you cheated! You guys used your arms!"

I have a friend in Atlanta who was arrested for sodomy.

His lawyer was so good he got it knocked down to following too closely .

If one's wealth was determined by how closely one follows a moral code

Evangelicals would finally be as poor as Jesus wants them to be


Those cheap Beats headphones might be fakes! Here's how to tell.

Connect headphones to a decent audio source. Play any music. Listen closely to the music.

1. Note the nuances of the bass. Is it clean and well-defined?
2. Are the high frequencies nice and crisp?
3. Pay attention to the mid-range frequencies - are they balanced with the high and low frequencies?

If you answered YES to any of the above steps - sorry, you were ripped off!

When it comes to the topic of body dysmorphia and gender assumptions, i'm not a fan.

Infact I identify more closely to an air conditioning unit.

What do Marie Curies Notebooks and a defected KGB agent have in common?

They both won't be investigated very closely.

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible

with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

If you look closely at a mirror...

It looks like an eyeball.

"I can closely relate to the LGBT community, as my own child is a man trapped in a woman's body ..."

Fortunately for him, he'll be born next February.

You can always tell

You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

A lady goes to the supermarket

She brings all her items to the cashier who looks at everything closely as he scans them: 6 eggs, two tomatoes, two cucumbers, one onion, and one carton of milk. After the last item he looks to her and says "you're single aren't you?"
She looks from her items back at him incredulously "Yes! How did you know?"
"Because you're ugly"

I told my friend that his curly brown hair closely resembles wool.

He looked sheepish.

The Suicide Bomber Teacher said to his student...

"Come here and listen closely, I'm only gonna show you this once"...

If you look very closely,

You will see.

I received the oddest dollar bill as change. When I looked closely, I noticed that George Washington was wearing face-paint, a wig, and round, red nose.

It was obviously a clownterfeit.

Which former U.S. policitian is closely related to a lizard-like semiaquatic amphibian of the scientific family Salamandridae?

Newt Gingrich.

If you look closely at a chicken sandwich...

you will realise it is inbred.

Look closely now, 007

*This may seem like a regular suitcase, but if you press this button, a handle will come out and you can roll it.*

What do you call a group of closely bonded people that always cough?

Phlegmily

After closely watching the UFC brawl last night, I'm gonna go out on a limb and blame the referee.

He stated it.

How do you identify a vegan?

Listen closely.

Meanwhile... at a kamikaze pilot training camp

"Watch closely, I can only do this once."

There is an abundance of gown jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 38 funniest jokes and closely puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any cautiously witze you can hear about closely.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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