The Best 90 Closed Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Closed jokes. There are some closed ajar jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these closed open puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Closed Jokes and Puns

I can tell bad jokes too - A dog limps into a saloon...

As the batwing doors swing closed behind him, the patrons turn to eye the stranger up.

The dog cooly looks around the dim, smoky room and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.

After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.

Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"

Closed joke, A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Manual labour

My mate pointed out the window and said, "Is that your wife mowing the lawn out there?"

"Yeah, she never stops," I replied

"Call me old fashioned if you want, but I hate to see a woman doing manual labour."

"Me too," I replied, as I closed the curtains

I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door

It said "Beat it, we're closed."


Cultural Diversity--True Story

When I was six I learned about Hanukkah in school. My teacher told me, "Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah."

That night I was waiting in line at Hometown Buffet with my family and asked Mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.

"It's so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families." She said.

In a loud, excited voice I piped up, "BUT COULDN'T THEY GET SOME JEWS TO WORK HERE?"

We never went back.

Did you hear about the restaurant that got closed down because they were serving just the rear ends of animals?

Just-ass was served

Closed joke, Did you hear about the restaurant that got closed down because they were serving just the rear ends

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Beat it, we're closed.

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"

The wife turned around and stripped naked.

The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

Why didn't the one handed man cross the road?

Because the second hand store was closed.

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

You can explore closed began reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean closed cubicles dad jokes. There are also closed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Drunk guy went to the bathroom

a drunk guy went home late, before sleeping he went to the bathroom to pee, he opened the door and the lights were on, he closed the door and the lights went off, he said how is that possible ? he peed and went to bed.
next morning he asked his wife "What's the matter with the bathroom lights, i opened the door and they went on and when i closed the door they went off".
she said:"so you're the one who peed in the Refrigerator"

Steve Jobs funeral was closed casket

It wasn't supposed to be, but no one could figure out how to open the casket.

As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

REAL math joke

At a party vectors V and W see vector V+W poking in his head and asking: "Can I join?". "Yeah.", V and W reply; "It's a closed party..."

The story of a heroic husband ....

Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon....

Husband - Well. Was it closed?

Closed joke, The story of a heroic husband ....

A black man walks into a bar

his cell door was still closed.

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.

Doctor: how did this happen?

Blonde: I tried to suicide.

Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?

Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

Two blondes went to a drive-in movie. What movie did they go to see?

"Closed for Winter".


A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...

bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another. By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives out of it?" the man replies "My wife sent me to the store for a jar of olives but the store was closed."

A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**

A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*

The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.

*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.

She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."

A cardiologist died...

..and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said: "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral..I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

I went to a whorehouse the other day...

The sign outside said "We're closed so beat it"

A guy walks up to a girl in the bar with his fist closed and says........I will go down on you if you can guess what I have in my hand.

The girl says........The empire state building.

The guy says..........That's close enough.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Some people have difficulties sleeping...

but I can do it with my eyes closed.

Today I woke up to a surprise bj for the first time

Probably should sleep with my mouth closed from now on

A man walks into a brothel..

The attendant behind the desk says "Beat it. We're closed".

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

When his brothel went out of business, what sign did the owner hang on the door?

Beat it, We're closed.

I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

A blonde goes to court

A blonde goes to court.

Eventually the judge says: I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence that you stole the 10000 US$.

The blonde is thrilled: Gosh, so does that mean I can keep the money?

A guy shoots a random man on the street.

Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

A guy goes to a whorehouse, only to see it's closed.

The sign on the front door said "Beat it! We're closed!"

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm aΒ gynecologist.

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

A terrorist had two cases at home...

he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.

Nothing like being awoken by a surprise BJ

I should sleep with my mouth closed

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?

That's the sound of someone else's problem.

My childhood was effectively over at 11.

That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.

I told my girlfriend that we could either see a movie or have sex

She said the movie was closed and she was on her period, so I decided to sneak in through the rear entrance

What did the owner of the brothel say to the guy who tried to come in after hours?

"We're closed. Beat it."

I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

I honestly feel like sleeping is the thing I can do best.

In fact, I think I could even do it with my eyes closed.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

The town brothel recently closed and left a single sign in the window.

Beat it; we're closed.

A kangaroo hops into the bar, the bartender, says "sorry we're closed"

The kangaroo says, "I thought you needed a bouncer"

*Ba dum tiss*

[NSFW] I went by a brothel and there was a sign in the window

it said "We're closed, so beat it."

I went to the brothel the other day but it was closed...

The sign said "Beat it, we're closed."

Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

What does the sign say at the brothel when they are not open?

Beat it, we're closed.

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

Don't know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

What does the sign in front of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it, we're closed

Sleeping is really easy

I do it with eyes closed.

This is such a horrible time for the NRA

First schools are closed, and now this.

I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice

I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.

Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive in cinema?

They went to see Closed for the Winter .

What is the sign off a closed brothel say

Beat it we are closed

Operation Tory

A Tory MP woke up in hospital after a serious operation and found that the curtains around him were drawn. He called for a nurse and asked "why are the curtains closed, Is it night"?
The nurse replied "No it's just that there's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation was unsuccessful".

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.

She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams it closed. As she's walking back to the house, the guy says,

"Not to be nosy, but are you expecting an important package?"

The blonde answers, "No! It's my damn computer! It keeps telling me I have mail!"

Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...

...so it would cut itself.

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, What are all these buttons for?

He said, Those are to keep your shirt closed.

What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

"Beat it, we're closed."

A Woman goes to the Optician

for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"

"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

A Mathematician, an Electrician and a Lawyer are having a job interview.

The Interviewer asked the three Men, "What's the answer to one plus one?"

The Mathematician instantly replied, "Two!"

The Electrician went away, measured lots of things, and eventually came back and gladly said, "Two"

The lawyer looked around, closed the door, leaned in towards the interviewer, and quietly said, "What would you like it to be?"

Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy?

Because schools are closed.

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

On my first day of taking flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, Wow! What are all these buttons for?

He said, Those are used to keep your shirt closed.

Im so good at sleeping

....that I can do it with my eyes closed.

What sign does the brothel put up in its off hours?

Beat it, were closed.

Lockdown here in Australia is confusing.

I have no idea what's open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.

How many members of Stack Overflow does it take to change a lightbulb?

Closed, question seems like off-topic

How I plan on never becoming a Grandparent..

I'll be naming my daughter pregnant so when a guy meets her.

Guy: Hi, I'm Paul.

Her: Hi, I'm pregnant.

Case closed.

A man walks into the Irish bar

The barman says:

-I am deeply sorry sir, but the bar is closed, it will open within the hour only.

-Ok, nevermind, I'll wait - responds the man

-Sure, no problem sir. By the way, would you like a drink to make waiting not so boring?

A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery

Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."

Worker: "What happened?"

Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."

Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."

Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved doing."

Worker: "How can you say that! Everyone hates working here!"

Cop: "Well, the CCTV footage showed him getting out of the tank five times to take a piss."

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

A sign on a brothel reads:

'We're closed, beat it'

Three Jewish guys are having a conversation about how reform their synagogues are…

The first man exclaims My synagogue is so reform that they serve shrimp and pork in the cafeteria

The second man exclaims My synagogue is so reform that they serve us shrimp and pork on Yom Kippur

The third man exclaims My synagogue is so reform that on Yom Kippur there's a sign on the door that says 'Sorry, closed for the holidays'

Credits to wherever my Grandpa read this…

My dad always said

"don't be mad 'cause you're ugly. Be mad 'cause it'll never go away. BUT, if you're gonna be ugly, at least be funny. Because the longer they laugh, the longer they keep their eyes closed."

MEANWHILE, an elderly couple.

WIFE: I've just come from the beauty salon.

HUSBAND: Were they closed?

Two lines at the hospital

There were two lines at the hospital, one for the blood bank, one for the sperm bank. At the end of the sperm bank line, there was woman.
\- Aren't you in the wrong line? they asked her.
\- Uh uh, she said shaking her head, with her mouth closed.

I Needed to Blow Off Some Steam so I Went to the Whorehouse...

...but the door was locked. Then the Madam came down and said, "We're closed. Beat it."

I saw a sign that made me piss myself today, it said:

Toilets closed

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the closed shut jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working closed unh piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes