Closed Jokes

What are some Closed jokes?

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"

The wife turned around and stripped naked.

The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm aΒ gynecologist.

What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

Some people have difficulties sleeping...

but I can do it with my eyes closed.

I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door

It said "Beat it, we're closed."

A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs


A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*

The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.

*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

Nothing like being awoken by a surprise BJ

I should sleep with my mouth closed

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Beat it, we're closed.

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.

Doctor: how did this happen?

Blonde: I tried to suicide.

Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?

Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...

bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another. By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives out of it?" the man replies "My wife sent me to the store for a jar of olives but the store was closed."

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

[NSFW] I went by a brothel and there was a sign in the window

it said "We're closed, so beat it."

I went to a whorehouse the other day...

The sign outside said "We're closed so beat it"

I went to the brothel the other day but it was closed...

The sign said "Beat it, we're closed."

As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

My childhood was effectively over at 11.

That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.

After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.

Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?

Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.

She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."

A terrorist had two cases at home...

he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.

A cardiologist died...

..and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said: "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral..I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

A man walks into a brothel..

The attendant behind the desk says "Beat it. We're closed".

Cell phone in public...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Manual labour

My mate pointed out the window and said, "Is that your wife mowing the lawn out there?"

"Yeah, she never stops," I replied

"Call me old fashioned if you want, but I hate to see a woman doing manual labour."

"Me too," I replied, as I closed the curtains

Cultural Diversity--True Story

When I was six I learned about Hanukkah in school. My teacher told me, "Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah."

That night I was waiting in line at Hometown Buffet with my family and asked Mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.

"It's so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families." She said.

In a loud, excited voice I piped up, "BUT COULDN'T THEY GET SOME JEWS TO WORK HERE?"

We never went back.

Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other.

Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo.

Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.

How on earth did you know that would work? they ask.

Simple, he says, Everyone always talks during the bass solo.

Today I woke up to a surprise bj for the first time

Probably should sleep with my mouth closed from now on

The gift

"Brian, what's wrong with you? You've been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!"

"Oh Dan", responded Brian "I don't know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!"

"Brian, that's horrible!" said Dan putting his arm around Brian. "What type of a gift does she want already?"

"Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: Why don't you show me how much you care about me? Why can't you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!"

"Dan what should I do? I don't have that kind of money? I can't go out and buy her a car!"

"A car? Asked Dan. Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!`

Lets talk.

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

Cell Phone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

A blonde goes to court

A blonde goes to court.

Eventually the judge says: I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence that you stole the 10000 US$.

The blonde is thrilled: Gosh, so does that mean I can keep the money?

I can tell bad jokes too - A dog limps into a saloon...

As the batwing doors swing closed behind him, the patrons turn to eye the stranger up.

The dog cooly looks around the dim, smoky room and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A guy walks up to a girl in the bar with his fist closed and says........I will go down on you if you can guess what I have in my hand.

The girl says........The empire state building.

The guy says..........That's close enough.

The town brothel recently closed and left a single sign in the window.

Beat it; we're closed.

When his brothel went out of business, what sign did the owner hang on the door?

Beat it, We're closed.

You've Got Blonde

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"

What does the sign say at the brothel when they are not open?

Beat it, we're closed.

A string of jokes I heard a while ago

How do you get four elephants in a mini cooper?

Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you get four giraffes in a mini cooper?

You can't because of all the elephants.

How do you get two whales in a mini cooper?

Same way you get to Wales in any other car, down the M4, over the Severn Bridge.

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?

You can hear them giggle when the lights go out.

How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?

You can't *quite* get the door closed.

How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?

There's a mini cooper parked outside.

A guy shoots a random man on the street.

Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

A story of two blondes

Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.

"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.

"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Why didn't the one handed man cross the road?

Because the second hand store was closed.

Two blondes went to a drive-in movie. What movie did they go to see?

"Closed for Winter".

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...

One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be It. As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said I found you Newton, but Newton replied, No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal! .

You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?

That's the sound of someone else's problem.

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..

After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'

The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

A guy goes to a whorehouse, only to see it's closed.

The sign on the front door said "Beat it! We're closed!"

REAL math joke

At a party vectors V and W see vector V+W poking in his head and asking: "Can I join?". "Yeah.", V and W reply; "It's a closed party..."

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Billy's dead canary

Billy's canary was dead lying on the bottom of his cage. Billy asked his Dad why when things die they lay on their back with their eyes closed and their legs in the air. His Dad told him it was so God could grab them by their feet and take them to heaven. A few days later when his Dad was pulling into the driveway after work, Billy came running out screaming ..."Daddy, Daddy..Mommy nearly died today !" "What happened ?" Asked Billy's Dad. "Well" said Billy " I came home from school today and there was Mommy in the bedroom on her back with her eyes closed and her legs in the air, just like my canary, and she was saying 'God I'm coming...God I'm coming' and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down...he would have got her !"

I told my girlfriend that we could either see a movie or have sex

She said the movie was closed and she was on her period, so I decided to sneak in through the rear entrance

The story of a heroic husband ....

Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon....

Husband - Well. Was it closed?

I honestly feel like sleeping is the thing I can do best.

In fact, I think I could even do it with my eyes closed.

A black man walks into a bar

his cell door was still closed.


After a long day at work this woman was on her way home on the train and closed her eyes to rest. After departing the station a male that was sitting next to her took his cellphone out and started a conversation with a rather loud voice.
"Hello sweetheart, John here, i am in the train. Yes i know its the 6:30 train and not the 4:30 train but the meeting took longer then planned. No dear, not with the blond of finance, this was with my manager. No babydoll, you are the only one in my life! Yes really, i swear!"

The woman next to him was growing more and more tired of his loud conversation and after 15 minutes she just had enough.

She leaned over to him and with her face close to his phone she whispered:

"Come John, put the phone down and come back to bed."

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk.

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

Don't know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

A kangaroo hops into the bar, the bartender, says "sorry we're closed"

The kangaroo says, "I thought you needed a bouncer"

*Ba dum tiss*

Did you hear about the restaurant that got closed down because they were serving just the rear ends of animals?

Just-ass was served

Crossword Puzzle Pope

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.

I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.

The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything, your Eminence ... What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

Drunk guy went to the bathroom

a drunk guy went home late, before sleeping he went to the bathroom to pee, he opened the door and the lights were on, he closed the door and the lights went off, he said how is that possible ? he peed and went to bed.
next morning he asked his wife "What's the matter with the bathroom lights, i opened the door and they went on and when i closed the door they went off".
she said:"so you're the one who peed in the Refrigerator"

What did the owner of the brothel say to the guy who tried to come in after hours?

"We're closed. Beat it."

Steve Jobs funeral was closed casket

It wasn't supposed to be, but no one could figure out how to open the casket.

the fourth!

Remember - the liquor stores are closed tomorrow so buy your fifth for the fourth on the third right this second as your first priority!

What did the tree do when the bank closed?

It started its own branch

Did you hear about the blonde who froze to death at the drive in theater?

She went to see Closed for the winter.

A man is taking a stroll...

... when he finds his mother-in-law. So he asks her "Hey, how are you doing?" and she replies "Good, I just came from the beauty salon!"

So he says "Oh, was it closed?"

I was going to go to the Psychics Conference.

But it was closed due to unforeseen circumstances.

Local police canine unit got all their leashes stolen today.

However, the case had to be closed due to the police having no leads.

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto are being chased by the bad guys...

To see if they're being closed in on Tonto puts his ear to the ground to listen for the sound of horse hooves.

"Kimosabe, no soldiers chasing us, buffalo come."

"How do you know that?"

"Ear sticky."

What do you call milk that comes from cows with their eyes closed?

Concentrated milk

Over half of UK KFC stores have closed down after switching chicken suppliers.

It was an original recipe for disaster.


Then I closed the DVD case and took it back to the library

What did the Madam say when the brothel went out of business?

Beat it! We're closed.

A muslim, buddhist and a Christian were arguing...

about whose God was the greatest.

The muslim said "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "allah allah allah allah..." until he realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and shouted louder and faster "ALLAHALLAHALLAHALLAH!!!" all the way until he hit the ground and died.

Next, the Buddhist said, "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "buddha buddha buddha buddha..." until he realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and shouted louder and faster "BUDDHABUDDHABUDDHA!!!" and a great big hand came down from the sky and caught him safely.

Lastly, the Christian proclaimed "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus..." until he looked down and realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and started shouting at the top of his voice "BUDDHABUDDHABUDDHABUDDHA!!!"

Two men were playing golf when a funeral procession walked by.

One of the men took off his cap, bowed his head and closed his eyes in contemplation.

His opponent commented, "That is one of the most touching things I've seen. You are a very feeling man."

The man, recovering himself, replied, "Yeah, well, we were married for 20 years."

I asked my dad how I was born

Me: Dad, how was I born ?

Dad: It's a really long story

Me: (all excited) Tell me..I wana hear it

Dad: Once upon a time, it was a cold night and all the pharmacies were closed....

So the local Spandex store just closed

The local spandex store closed down...

... I guess they couldn't expand

Finally his wife opened the box that were closed for 20 years , and guess what she found

a man have been married for about 20 years and he has a closed box throughout all this years , his wife were so carious about what's inside this closed box , once the man went to his work and forgot that box key, his wife has found the chance to see inside that box , when she opened it she found 3 eggs and 2000$ , after her husband came back from work she asked him about the 3 eggs , and simply answered : " each time I cheating on you i put an egg inside the box " , She said ' So you cheated on me only 3 times in the whole 20 years , That's not problem, what about the 2000$ " He replied : " Whenever i get an eggs pack sell it "

How to make Closed jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Closed to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Closed? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Closed pick up lines to share with friends.

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