closed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious closed puns

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

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So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

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I was awakened with a blowjob today

I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.

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I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

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Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate..!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

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Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

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A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"

The wife turned around and stripped naked.

The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

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A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm aΒ gynecologist.

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What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

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I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

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A state trooper just pulled me over...

He walked up to my car and opened his ticket book.

I said, "you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Louisiana State Trooper Ball aren't you?"

He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence.

Then he closed his book, walked back to his car, and drove away.

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So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

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I saw a sign the other day the made me fucking piss my pants...

...it said "Bathroom Closed"

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Some people have difficulties sleeping...

but I can do it with my eyes closed.

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Woke up to a surprise blowjob this morning

Guess I better learn to sleep with my mouth closed

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Surprise bj

I woke up to a surprise blowjob today.
I should really start sleeping with my mouth closed

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I read a sign today that almost made me piss myself

It was a sign that said "Bathroom closed"

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I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

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I was in a job interview when the manager handed me his laptop and says I want you to try to sell this to me

So I closed it, put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said, You bring it back here right now I said, $100 and it's yours .

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I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door

It said "Beat it, we're closed."

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A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**

A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*

The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.

*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

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When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

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Nothing like being awoken by a surprise BJ

I should sleep with my mouth closed

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Yesterday I saw a sign that made me shit myself.

It read **Bathroom closed**

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"

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Louisiana State Trooper

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Louisiana state trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Louisiana State Trooper's Ball". He replied, "Louisiana state troopers don't have balls". There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

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What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Beat it, we're closed.

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A blonde was rushed to the hospital

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.

Doctor: how did this happen?

Blonde: I tried to suicide.

Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?

Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

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A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...

bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another. By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives out of it?" the man replies "My wife sent me to the store for a jar of olives but the store was closed."

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I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

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Aussie Outback Help Line

Phone Operator: "G'day mate .... Helpline here ........What's the
problem?"

Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung
on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"
Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye."

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[NSFW] I went by a brothel and there was a sign in the window

it said "We're closed, so beat it."

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Australian helpline...

Helpline Agent: "G'day mate, Aussie help line ere, what's the problem cobber?

Guy: "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up"

Helpline Agent: "Ah bummer mate!"

Guy: "Cheers mate, I hadn't thought of that, bye!"

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I went to a whorehouse the other day...

The sign outside said "We're closed so beat it"

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I went to the brothel the other day but it was closed...

The sign said "Beat it, we're closed."

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What are the most funny Closed jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Closed? Well, here are the best Closed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Closed pick up lines to share with friends.

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