Closed Eye Jokes
114 closed eye jokes and hilarious closed eye puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about closed eye that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Closed Eye Short Jokes
Short closed eye jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The closed eye humour may include short one eye jokes also.
- When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
- When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
- TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt
- me "Please to meet you, I am from East Detroit" Other person: "Oh my gawd, have you ever seen someone get shot"
Me: "No I close my eyes when I pull the trigger" - Think of a number 0 to 20. Add 32 to it, then multiply your answer by 2. Subtract 2. Now close your eyes.
It's dark, isnt it? - A man wanted to go to the hospital. He asked his mother for directions. She said just close your eyes and cross the street, they will come and get you themselves.
- Sleeping with my wife is like playing Hide-and-Seek... I close my eyes, count to ten and say, "Ready or not, here I come."
- My dad is the world's greatest magician.. He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.
- Dad got me the other day... Me: I can't sleep... I'm just going to stay up for a bit...
Dad: What do you mean you can't sleep? It's so easy I could do it with my eyes close!
Me: *walks away* - Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today. Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.
Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.
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Closed Eye One Liners
Which closed eye one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with closed eye? I can suggest the ones about blinded eye and cross eyed.
- Some people have difficulties sleeping... but I can do it with my eyes closed.
- Why do hunters close one eye when they aim? Because they can't see if they close both.
- Im so good at sleeping ....that I can do it with my eyes closed.
- How much time does it take to grill a baby Idk, i close my eyes when I'm fapping
- Why did the one eyed headmaster close down his school.... Because he only had one pupil
- Sleeping is really easy I do it with eyes closed.
- Why can't the cop go to sleep? Cuz when he closes his eyes everything goes black.
- What does Karen do when she wants to see all her friends? She closes her eyes.
- What do you call milk that comes from cows with their eyes closed? Concentrated milk
- I am so good a using eye drops I can do it with my eyes closed.
- Push-ups are easy. I can do them with my eyes closed.
- Why are Blind teachers so good at their job? They can do it with their eyes closed.
- Reading Braille is actually really easy. I could do it with my eyes closed.
- I have used contact lenses my whole life... I can apply them with my eyes closed.
- Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can't see.
Closed Eye Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about closed eye you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean private eye jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make closed eye pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Englishman, p**... Scotchman and p**... Irishman come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. p**... Englishman goes first and yells "Gold!" and lands in gold. p**... Scotsman goes next and screams "Silver!" so he lands in silver. p**... Irishman looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out "OH SH*T!"
The ladder to success
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can tell bad jokes too - A dog limps into a saloon...
As the batwing doors swing closed behind him, the patrons turn to eye the stranger up.
The dog c**... looks around the dim, smoky room and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Why is six afraid of seven?
Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.
When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...
Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two genies in a deserted house..
A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Some (eye-rolling) Chemistry Pick-up Lines for the Valentine's season
* Are you made of Carbon? Because it feels like my world revolves around you.
* You're my Lithium.
* Are you an anion? Because I'm positive we're meant to be together.
* My heart is made of Gallium. It melts when you're close to me.
* Are you Fluorine? Because i can't seem to get myself away from you.
* My heart burns like a mole of suns for you.
* If I could rearrange the periodic table, I'd put U and I together.
* Who needs Hydrogen if you're my #1?.
* I can feel a bond forming between us.
Any others would be appreciated
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... family was visiting the city...
...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."
Recurring Visions
This is an old one.
A man goes to a psychologist and says "Doc, you have to help me. I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes my mother is right there giving me grief. When I open them, it's even worse, there she is again nagging and bullying me. Sometimes its so bad, at night time, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The doctor looks at him and replies "What? One piece of toast? For a big boy like you?"
A young boy goes to his father and says "Dad, I think my gym teacher is gay".
His father says "Why do think that?"
The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."
blond joke
A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
Three gurus on top of a mountain sit in meditation.
One of them opens his eyes and whispers "Life...", then closes his eyes and keeps on meditating.
Seasons come and go, twenty years pass, then the second guru opens his eyes and whispers "...is suffering...". Then stops suddenly and dives deep into meditation again.
After another twenty years of meditation the third guru opens his eyes and says "C'mon guys, are we here for chitchat????"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Continuing Adventures of Lawyer Mom, Episode 1
Lawyer Mom: Your Honor, my client is accused of m**... in the first degree. But let me ask you, and everyone else in this court room, this: (Mom voice) Have any of YOU ever murdered someone?
Everyone looks around at each other, confused.
Judge: Um, no?
Lawyer Mom: (Puts hands on hips, closes her eyes, and continues in Mom voice) Well then how can any of you tell my client that m**... is bad if you have never even tried it? Hmmm?
Have you heard about the insomniac polymath?
She could do ALMOST everything with her eyes closed.
A statistician and an engineer...
A mathematician and an engineer are standing about 20 feet away from an absolutely gorgeous blonde woman who is eyeing them both seductively.
She says to them, "Every time you approach me, you may only travel half the distance between us. Will you ever reach me?"
The mathematicitian says, "No, I'd never be able to reach her."
The engineer smiles and says, "Close enough."
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Rich Woman And Her Butler
A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
Girlfriend: Tell me something to make me feel like a woman!
She said excitingly with a smile on her face..... tell me, tell me tell me she said as she wrapped her arms around her boyfriend but the boyfriend stands quietly..she says again come on tell me!
The boyfriend holds her close, looks deep into her eyes and then moves in closer and whispers: "you don't know how to park"
Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror?
To see how she looks like when sleeping.
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
An Irish prayer...
On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.
He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather told me he closed one eye whenever he saw a jew in the good old days...
He was a s**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do women close their eyes during s**...?
Some women just can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like women to close there eyes when I have s**... with them.
Less chance of them identifying me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple of ten years is in bed
They haven't had s**... in months. The man unexpectedly starts caressing her knees, then her tighs. She starts breathing heavily. He caresses her waist, her belly. She closes her eyes and starts biting her lips. He caresses her breast, her shoulders. She's getting there.
"Found the remote!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Ex always closed her eyes during s**...,
she couldn't bear to see a guy having a good time.
This is a Science Joke: Boyle, Pascal and Newton wanted to play Hide and Seek
So Boyle closed his eyes and started counting, Pascal went to hide, and Newton just stood there and drew a square with a side of 1 meter.
When Boyle opened his eyes, he found Newton, and said "Newton I found you".
To which Newton Replied: "No I'm not Newton, I'm Pascal, Because Pa=N/m^2 "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do ugly guys get such fine women?
The more she laughs, the more time she spends with her eyes closed
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Know why wives close their eyes during s**... with their husbands
Because they can't stand to see them enjoy themselves
Avoiding Turbulence
I was flying in a small plane that was headed into a storm, and we started going through some bad turbulence. I buckled my seat belt, curled against the window, and closed my eyes.
"What are you doing?" my wife asked.
"I can't make the turbulence stop," I said, "but I can go to sleep so I don't suffer."
"But honey," she replied, "you're the pilot!"
So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...
So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"
I once used a toilet that had a note on it that said aim like a Jedi, not like a Stormtrooper .
So i closed my eyes and let the force guide me as i peed.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
I don't know why blind people say we don't know what it feels like
I mean I close my eyes for 8 hours everyday.
A ladiesman and his friend were in a club...
The friend asked him if he could show him on of his tricks. The ladiesman smiled and pointed to a girl across the dancefloor and moved his index finger to let her to he wanted her to come near him
The lady got close and asked him "what's up". The ladiesman look her right in the eyes and told her: "If you came with just one finger, imagine what can I do with two of them."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject
But I must say, it's pretty c**... of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.
I honestly feel like sleeping is the thing I can do best.
In fact, I think I could even do it with my eyes closed.
I'm so lazy.
I'm so lazy my mom gets onto me about sleeping all the time, she once asked me "Is sleeping all you're good at?"
I said "Yea, I could do it with my eyes closed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My new girlfriend was very surprised I have a strong f**... for facials but she agreed and just closed her eyes.
She never saw it coming.
After I cancelled our trip to China, I told my wife I had a surprise for her...
Close you eyes... no Peking!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
Why do snipers close 1 eye when aiming?
If they closed both they wouldnt be able to see
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can't tell if an asian person is asleep or not
Because their eyes are closed all the time
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo mamma so ugly...
my dog closes his eyes while h**... her leg.
it's winter. down the hill you go, on a taboggan. eyes closed, screaming.
up the hill you go. eyes closed, on a stretcher.
I am so talented that I can close my eyes and type this
Bdndjfkdhshdjfkfbshcjskahwjwwksndhcjdksbahxdkjbd
I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…
…actually, nevermind let's do that later
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?
God: So he can know how far or close danger is
God's assistant: why two ears?
God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right
God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.
God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who f**... in the room.
I feel like a Racist
Would be scared to close his eyes to go to sleep.
Why is one eye kept closed while eye testing?
Because you can't see if both eyes are closed.
Why did the little girl close her eyes after opening the refrigerator?
Because she saw the salad dressing.
I'm good at sleep
My friend asked me how good I was at getting a good night's sleep
I said I was so good, I could do it with my eyes closed
Another three nuns joke....Three nuns are walking home late one night when suddenly they are attacked by three men.
The men pull them into the bushes and begin to assault them.
The first nun, clutching her rosary beads says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."
The second one closes her eyes and says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."
The third nun says, "this one does."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A close friend recently died, and at the f**... I asked if I could say a word
The family agreed and as I stood as the podium, I exhaled, "Bargain".
Teary eyed the family thanked me, they knew it meant a great deal.
A Woman goes to the Optician
for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"
"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"
A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes...
but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
Oh, no! the blonde shouted in dismay.
This one isn't wearing any shoes either!