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Closed Eye Jokes

114 closed eye jokes and hilarious closed eye puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about closed eye that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Closed Eye Short Jokes

Short closed eye jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The closed eye humour may include short one eye jokes also.

  1. When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
  2. When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
  3. TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt
  4. Trump's ego is so big... Trump's ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.
    -Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump
  5. me "Please to meet you, I am from East Detroit" Other person: "Oh my gawd, have you ever seen someone get shot"
    Me: "No I close my eyes when I pull the trigger"
  6. As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
  7. Think of a number 0 to 20. Add 32 to it, then multiply your answer by 2. Subtract 2. Now close your eyes.
    It's dark, isnt it?
  8. Think of a Number Between 0 and 20. Add 32.
    Multiply it by 2.
    Subtract 1.
    Close your eyes.


    Dark, isn't it?
  9. A man wanted to go to the hospital. He asked his mother for directions. She said just close your eyes and cross the street, they will come and get you themselves.
  10. Why do snipers always close one eye when they aim? Because they can't aim if they close two.

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Closed Eye One Liners

Which closed eye one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with closed eye? I can suggest the ones about cross eye and blinded eye.

  1. Some people have difficulties sleeping... but I can do it with my eyes closed.
  2. Why do hunters close one eye when they aim? Because they can't see if they close both.
  3. I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls. Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.
  4. Im so good at sleeping ....that I can do it with my eyes closed.
  5. How much time does it take to grill a baby Idk, i close my eyes when I'm fapping
  6. Why did the one eyed headmaster close down his school.... Because he only had one pupil
  7. I'm soooo good at sleeping. In fact I'm so good, I could do it with my eyes closed!
  8. Sleeping is really easy I do it with eyes closed.
  9. Why can't the cop go to sleep? Cuz when he closes his eyes everything goes black.
  10. I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed
  11. What does Karen do when she wants to see all her friends? She closes her eyes.
  12. What do you call milk that comes from cows with their eyes closed? Concentrated milk
  13. I am so good a using eye drops I can do it with my eyes closed.
  14. Don't trust a guy who spells his name 'Philip'... ...As his eyes are too close together.
  15. Push-ups are easy. I can do them with my eyes closed.

Closed Eye Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about closed eye you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cross eyed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make closed eye pranks.

Yo mama so ugly , she made the illuminati close its eye!

p**... Englishman, p**... Scotchman and p**... Irishman come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. p**... Englishman goes first and yells "Gold!" and lands in gold. p**... Scotsman goes next and screams "Silver!" so he lands in silver. p**... Irishman looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out "OH SH*T!"

I can tell bad jokes too - A dog limps into a saloon...

As the batwing doors swing closed behind him, the patrons turn to eye the stranger up.
The dog c**... looks around the dim, smoky room and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.
When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course...

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.

Two genies in a deserted house..

A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*

Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Some (eye-rolling) Chemistry Pick-up Lines for the Valentine's season

* Are you made of Carbon? Because it feels like my world revolves around you.
* You're my Lithium.
* Are you an anion? Because I'm positive we're meant to be together.
* My heart is made of Gallium. It melts when you're close to me.
* Are you Fluorine? Because i can't seem to get myself away from you.
* My heart burns like a mole of suns for you.
* If I could rearrange the periodic table, I'd put U and I together.
* Who needs Hydrogen if you're my #1?.
* I can feel a bond forming between us.
Any others would be appreciated

A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

A r**... family was visiting the city...

...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."

A young boy goes to his father and says "Dad, I think my gym teacher is gay".

His father says "Why do think that?"
The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."

A man is cheating

on his wife, Lorraine. His lover is a girl named Clearly. His wife suspects him of cheating so she is always keeping a close eye on him. He knows that she is always watching so he never gets a chance to be with Clearly. One day, Lorraine had a heart attack and died. At her f**..., the man sings: "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

blond joke

A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

Dad got me the other day...

Me: I can't sleep... I'm just going to stay up for a bit...
Dad: What do you mean you can't sleep? It's so easy I could do it with my eyes close!
Me: *walks away*

A statistician and an engineer...

A mathematician and an engineer are standing about 20 feet away from an absolutely gorgeous blonde woman who is eyeing them both seductively.
She says to them, "Every time you approach me, you may only travel half the distance between us. Will you ever reach me?"
The mathematicitian says, "No, I'd never be able to reach her."
The engineer smiles and says, "Close enough."

A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller

Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "

A Rich Woman And Her Butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide and seek...

Einstein volunteers to be it so he closes his eyes and counts to 30. As he is counting, Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton draws a square (1x1 metre) and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around and sees Newton. He says, "Newton, you're it. I found you." But then Newton says, "No, you found one Newton over a square metre; therefore, you've found Pascal!"

Girlfriend: Tell me something to make me feel like a woman!

She said excitingly with a smile on her face..... tell me, tell me tell me she said as she wrapped her arms around her boyfriend but the boyfriend stands quietly..she says again come on tell me!
The boyfriend holds her close, looks deep into her eyes and then moves in closer and whispers: "you don't know how to park"

Buffalo Hunt

Two Native American scouts are hunting buffalo in the Great Planes. One scout hops off of his horse and puts his face to the ground, closing his eyes in concentration.
"Buffalo come!", he exclaims as he lifts his head.
"Did you hear them?", asks the mounted scout.
"No," grunts the man, "face sticky."

Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror?

To see how she looks like when sleeping.

I met a little boy today.

He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.
I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.
I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"
As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his cheeks still wet. He managed to crack a small smile.
"Yeah. What gave me away?"
I leaned in close and whispered,
"Your parents."

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

An Irish prayer...

On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.
He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood."

A cardiologist died...

..and was given an elaborate f**.... A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said: "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own f**.....I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

My grandfather told me he closed one eye whenever he saw a jew in the good old days...

He was a s**...

Why do women close their eyes during s**...?

Some women just can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman.

Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.

Two men are golfing at a local golf course

The first man is about to putt when he sees a long f**... procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Sleeping with my wife is like playing Hide-and-Seek...

I close my eyes, count to ten and say, "Ready or not, here I come."

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a f**... procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

Two men were playing golf when a f**... procession walked by.

One of the men took off his cap, bowed his head and closed his eyes in contemplation.
His opponent commented, "That is one of the most touching things I've seen. You are a very feeling man."
The man, recovering himself, replied, "Yeah, well, we were married for 20 years."

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

My dad is the world's greatest magician..

He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.
Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty c**... of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

I honestly feel like sleeping is the thing I can do best.

In fact, I think I could even do it with my eyes closed.

I'm so lazy.

I'm so lazy my mom gets onto me about sleeping all the time, she once asked me "Is sleeping all you're good at?"
I said "Yea, I could do it with my eyes closed."

How I learned to mind my own business???

One day I was walking near a mental institution. Everyone in the courtyard was yelling: 13 13 13 !!!
The fence was to high to see anything, but I found a hole so I got close to peak through it.. A crazy guy poked me in the eye and everyone started yelling: 14 14 14!!!

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

I am so talented that I can close my eyes and type this

Bdndjfkdhshdjfkfbshcjskahwjwwksndhcjdksbahxdkjbd

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven's been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let's do that later

God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is
God's assistant: why two ears?
God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right
God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.
God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who f**... in the room.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek.

Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand.
He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"
Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter.
You've found Pascal!"

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.
Einstein opens his eyes and says "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
"No," says Newton. "You found a Newton in one square meter. You found Pascal!"

Another three nuns joke....Three nuns are walking home late one night when suddenly they are attacked by three men.

The men pull them into the bushes and begin to assault them.
The first nun, clutching her rosary beads says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."
The second one closes her eyes and says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."
The third nun says, "this one does."

Many people claim that they have difficulty sleeping.

However, I can even do it with my eyes closed.

Two men are playing golf.

One of them is about to take a swing when a f**... procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.  
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very feeling man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

A man was dying

A man was dying in hospital. In his last moments, he grips his wife's hand and says:
Before I die, I have to confess to you. I've been sleeping with your best friend for the past year. I'm sorry.
She gently s**... his hair and says:
I know. That's why I poisoned your coffee. Now close your eyes, dear...

A close friend recently died, and at the f**... I asked if I could say a word

The family agreed and as I stood as the podium, I exhaled, "Bargain".
Teary eyed the family thanked me, they knew it meant a great deal.

A Woman goes to the Optician

for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"
"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"

Why are Blind teachers so good at their job?

They can do it with their eyes closed.

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes...

but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
Oh, no! the blonde shouted in dismay.
This one isn't wearing any shoes either!

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.

"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"