Closed Door Jokes
109 closed door jokes and hilarious closed door puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about closed door that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Closed Door Short Jokes
Short closed door jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The closed door humour may include short broken door jokes also.
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens. Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
- My granddad always used to say, "as one door closes another one opens" Wonderful guy, terrible cabinet maker.
- My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in.
- Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close. I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.
- My grandpa used to say: "When one door closes, another one opens". He was a lovely man, but a terrible cabinet maker.
- I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door It said "Beat it, we're closed."
- My grandfather always used to say as one door closes another one opens Great guy.
Terrible carpenter. - My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more… I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."
- My grandfather once told me, "When one door closes, another one opens." Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
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Closed Door One Liners
Which closed door one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with closed door? I can suggest the ones about locked door and shut the door.
- When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
- What did the sign on the door of the brothel say? "Beat it, we're closed."
- When one door closes, another door opens. Other than that, I love my new car.
- How do you get a hippie off your door step? Pay for the pizza and close the door.
- What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door! I'm dressing!
- what did the ranch say to the refrigerator? close the door, I'm dressing!
- How do you know if there's a stegosaurus in your refrigerator? The door won't close.
- How does a muslim man close a door? Islams it!
- When one door closes, another door opens. You are being ejected through the air lock.
- What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
*door closes on way out* - When one door closes, another one opens. I gotta get my car fixed ASAP.
- Some people say that you can't stop feminists I disagree; just close the kitchen door.
- A black man walks into a bar his cell door was still closed.
- When a door closes, another one opens I'm not a very good carpenter...
- When one door closes, another one opens Other than that it's a pretty good car.
Closed Door Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about closed door you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean back door jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make closed door pranks.
I can tell bad jokes too - A dog limps into a saloon...
As the batwing doors swing closed behind him, the patrons turn to eye the stranger up.
The dog c**... looks around the dim, smoky room and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A woman staying in a hotel was taking a shower after a long days work when she heard a knock on her door.
She went to the door, looked through the door-hole and saw it was her friend Steve. She wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
"I finally got my racing licence!" exclaimed Steve.
"Good for you." the woman said, and closed the door, left the towel by the door and got back in the shower. A second knock came, and she saw it was John, another friend of hers. Again she wrapped the towel around her and opened the door.
"I won the lottery!" John said, and the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. for the third time, a knock on the door came. she looked through the peephole and saw it was Tom, her blind friend. she didn't bother putting on a towel.
"What is it Tom?! This is the third time I have been interrupted while showering!"
Tom gleefully replied:
"I can see!"
Two genies in a deserted house..
A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*
An old woman notices her husband's fly is unzipped...
An old woman sees her husband's fly on his pants is unzipped. She says, "You left the barn door open. The cow is gonna get out if ya don't close it."
The old man replied, "It can't get out if it can't get up!"
(I adapted this from an actual exchange that my great grandparents had a few years ago.)
When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night...
One night, my dad kicked the door open to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.
"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.
"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it."
When he closed the door behind him, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on f**... myself
What did the sign on the door of the w**... say?
Beat it, we're closed.
Drunk guy went to the bathroom
a drunk guy went home late, before sleeping he went to the bathroom to pee, he opened the door and the lights were on, he closed the door and the lights went off, he said how is that possible ? he peed and went to bed.
next morning he asked his wife "What's the matter with the bathroom lights, i opened the door and they went on and when i closed the door they went off".
she said:"so you're the one who peed in the Refrigerator"
A guy opens the door to a brothel
And asks, "What can I get for five dollars"
One of the girls looks at him and says, "why don't you go j**... in your car?"
Guy closes the door and comes back 10 minutes later,
'Who do I give the 5 dollars to?'
blond joke
A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
A good, short oldie to end your Monday
A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.
She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."
She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his t**... and leans in.
"Anything?" he asks.
"Anything," she nods.
He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"
A Rich Woman And Her Butler
A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD
I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
Toughen Up
I'm sick of people telling me I'm a weakling so last night I went to the gym.
After a light warm up, I steadied myself, put both hands on the metal bar and heaved with all my might. I strained and I strained but still, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it to budge.
Eventually one of the burly staff members came over and said... "Stop pulling on the door mate, we're closed."
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.
She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."
A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane...
Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said "I know my students very well. And I'm sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won't even start!"
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...
And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"
But the cows keep shuffling in.
Because they don't understand English.
When his brothel went out of business, what sign did the owner hang on the door?
Beat it, We're closed.
"Whenever one door closes, another opens."
"Wow, you must be very optimistic about life."
"No, I live in a haunted house."
I was seeing this h**... about twice a week.
But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.
A boy and his father are in an argument
Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"
Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"
Son: *Stomps up stairs*
Son: *Walks into his room, gently closes the door*
Son: "Jim Morrison s**...!"
Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"
My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too c**....
I told her to close the door on her way back in.
A guy goes to a w**..., only to see it's closed.
The sign on the front door said "Beat it! We're closed!"
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
Would a hurricane close it's doors in your face?
No, but a Lakewood.
A t**... had two cases at home...
he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.
Don't feel bad about pressing the close door button when you see someone running for the elevator.
If they have that much energy, they should take the stairs.
When one door closes another one opens
That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!
You know how it is in life. When one door closes, another one opens.
"Yes very nice, but I'm not buying the car until you fix that."
You close the fridge door and hear something fall inside...
That, my friends, is the sound of someone else's problem.
As one door closes, another opens...
I really wish I'd followed the instructions building this wardrobe.
'When one door closes another one opens,' he said.
'That is great,' I replied, 'nevertheless I want you to repair the car before you sell it to me.'
When one door closes, another one opens...
...and that is when you realize you've bought a really bad second hand car.
Only o**... can Save Her
A man's wife goes into a coma.
The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have o**... s**... with her"
The man says"my god...."
Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"
The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"
He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...
he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.
We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.
Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician
Her: I'm leaving you because you're too c**....
Him: Close the door on your way back in.
Don't know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.
He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.
I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.
When one door closes, another door opens...
other than that, it's a pretty good airplane.
An Arrogant Boss
The secretary saw that her boss' zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom.
Hey boss, "Your garage door is open."
The arrogant boss walked real close to her and said, "I hope you got a good look at my Ferrari."
The witty secretary quickly said, "No, but I did get a glimpse of a small scooter with two deflated wheels."
A Mathematician, an Electrician and a Lawyer are having a job interview.
The Interviewer asked the three Men, "What's the answer to one plus one?"
The Mathematician instantly replied, "Two!"
The Electrician went away, measured lots of things, and eventually came back and gladly said, "Two"
The lawyer looked around, closed the door, leaned in towards the interviewer, and quietly said, "What would you like it to be?"
A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door
Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
"Yeah, why? How do you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Lockdown here in Australia is confusing.
I have no idea what's open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.
A blonde and brunette walk into an elevator
They exchange pleasantries and the door closes, the next floor a man gets in with terrible dandruff.
Both women look at each other but don't say anything.
When the man gets off and the door shuts they share a laugh.
The brunette says wow he could definitely use some head and shoulders!
The blonde gives her a look and replies How do you give shoulders?
An Amish family goes to a mall for the first time
And of course they are overwhelmed. The man stands in front of an elevator, puzzled what this contraption may be. He watches a very heavyset woman enter it, the doors close and the elevator goes up, and as it returns, a young, beautiful woman emerges.
"What is that, Pa?", little Joshua wants to know.
"Never mind, son, but go get your mom here, quick!"
A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed.
The Chicken was smoking a cigarette, a satisfied smile on its beak.
The Egg was pouting and looking very frustrated.
Finally, the Egg got up to go to the bathroom. Just before closing the door, it turned around and said to the Chicken:
Well, I guess we settled THAT question once and for all!
Four students are in the car that breaks down
First student, engineering student, says "This is mechanical problem, there's nothing we can do."
Second student, chemistry student, says "You're wrong, this is clearly reason of faulty gasoline. There's nothing we can do."
Third student, electrical engineering student, says "No, there's problem with ignition. There's nothing we can do."
Last student, IT student, says "We should exit car, close the doors, come in and try again. Maybe that will solve the problem."
Mom! I'm a 3d printer!
Oh come on, Johnny, close the door when you p**....
What do you call the space between 2 artificial b**...?
Silicone Valley......
I'll leave and close the door behind me
Three Jewish guys are having a conversation about how reform their synagogues are…
The first man exclaims My synagogue is so reform that they serve shrimp and pork in the cafeteria
The second man exclaims My synagogue is so reform that they serve us shrimp and pork on Yom Kippur
The third man exclaims My synagogue is so reform that on Yom Kippur there's a sign on the door that says 'Sorry, closed for the holidays'
Credits to wherever my Grandpa read this…
Jesus Christ, 12 years old, steps out of his home but neglects to close the door behind him.
Mary: Hold on, son! Were you born in a barn?
There a 502 bricks in a plane, one falls out, how many bricks are left?
501
h**... do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door
How do put a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door
The lion king invites all the animals to a party, but ones missing, what is it?
The giraffe, he's still in a fridge.
A girl swims across a crocodile infested river, but she still survives, how?
All the crocodiles are at the party
The girl still dies. How?
She gets hit on the head by a brick falling out of the sky
I Needed to Blow Off Some Steam so I Went to the w**......
...but the door was locked. Then the Madam came down and said, "We're closed. Beat it."
A man is sitting at home…
when he hears a knock at his door. He opens the door and there's no one there- cranes his neck to look and see if anyone is hiding he looks left and right- nothing.
As he's about to close the door- he looks down and sees a snail. He shrugs his shoulders and flicks the snail across his yard.
2 years go by
The same man is at home and there's a knock at the door.
He opens the door and a snail says, Hey! Whatcha do that for?
When one door closes, another one opens somewhere.
But like, the rest of the car works fine.
Amish man and his son go to a big shopping mall for the first time
They're staring in wonder at all of the shiny big buildings and the massive panes of glass when the two come across two big shiny metal doors.
"What is it, dad?" asked the son.
"I have no idea." replied the father. I have never seen anything like this in all my life.
They watched in wonder as an old lady walked up to the doors, pressed a button, and stepped inside the now-open doors. The doors closed once again and a while later, a 20-year-old blonde strolled out of the doors.
The father told his son, "Go get your mother!"
Two magnets walk into a bar
Once they're through the door, the immediately fly to other sides of the room.
The bartender comes up to one of them and asks What happened to you two? I thought you were practically inseparable.
The magnet replies After what happened this weekend… It shakes its head. It was so polarizing, we can't even be close to each other.
Bus
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was falling every time a bus passed by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet to wait for a bus to pass.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the h**... are you doing here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
Please keep the bathroom door closed
The dogs have a drinking problem.
(Actual sign on a bathroom door)