Close Up Jokes
114 close up jokes and hilarious close up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about close up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Close Up Short Jokes
Short close up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The close up humour may include short jokes also.
- What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
- Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
- How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old) You order it from the Cat-alogue
- Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math" Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast" - This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
- My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens. Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
- I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas? He said, It's May.
Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas? - I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus
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Close Up One Liners
Which close up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with close up? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy? Because schools are closed.
- Why did the fox News Christmas tree catch fire? They left it too close to the gaslight.
- When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
- I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died He stepped on a landmine
- When is the bible accurate? When thrown from close range
- What does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
- what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel? Beat it, we're closed
- I hate hotel towels....So thick and fluffy. I can't even close my suitcase.
- Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke but this is as close as I could get
- Some people have difficulties sleeping... but I can do it with my eyes closed.
- What did the sign on the door of the brothel say? "Beat it, we're closed."
- I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition.. close but no cigar
- I wasn't close to my father when he died Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine
- Nothing like being awoken by a surprise BJ I should sleep with my mouth closed
- This is such a horrible time for the NRA First schools are closed, and now this.
Close Up Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about close up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make close up pranks.
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."
I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door
It said "Beat it, we're closed."
Joke in honor of mole day
Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"
A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area
As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."
A gorgeous student walks into her professor's office...
She says "Professor I'm really struggling in your class."
He say's "Ok it's good you're here then, what can I help you with?"
"Well I don't quite understand the material but honestly, I would do anything to pass."
"Anything?" He asks.
She leans in close and softly says "Anything."
He leans in closer, almost whispering as he asks:
"Would you, study?"
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
So to celebrate the Halloween season...
... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.
After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,
The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.
According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.
When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.
Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in.
A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs
The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**
A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*
I had a job interview...
...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.
I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"
"You wanna buy it?"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.
I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?
They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.
A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And p**...! She was a smartphone!
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
Two men are golfing at a local golf course
The first man is about to putt when he sees a long f**... procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise b**....
Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.
A boy and his father are in an argument
Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"
Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"
Son: *Stomps up stairs*
Son: *Walks into his room, gently closes the door*
Son: "Jim Morrison s**...!"
Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a f**... procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.
His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too c**....
I told her to close the door on her way back in.
Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?
Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.
My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.
He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his f**.... A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own f**....
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.
A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...
When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"
What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?
Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once
So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...
So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"
Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.
This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.
I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...
Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine.
My wife recently got a seashell tattooed on her thigh.
When you put your ear close to it, you can really smell the ocean.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
Louis c**... might not physically have had s**... with any women
But he came close.
What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?
They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.
I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject
But I must say, it's pretty c**... of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.
In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
I wasn't very close to my father when he died...
Which was good because he stepped on a landmine
I was seeing this h**... about twice a week.
But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."
"Why?" her son replied.
"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"
The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.
The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
An assistant to Donald Trump
>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.
The conductor almost panicked says, there's too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we're going to c**...! The Welshman bravely steps up, For the glory of wales! And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, okay, we're close but there is still too much weight! The Irishman, in a patriotic manner yells, For Ireland! And throws the Englishman off
What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.
She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams it closed. As she's walking back to the house, the guy says,
"Not to be nosy, but are you expecting an important package?"
The blonde answers, "No! It's my d**... computer! It keeps telling me I have mail!"
On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, What are all these b**... for?
He said, Those are to keep your shirt closed.
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the s**... had a paper route!!
A Woman goes to the Optician
for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"
"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"
A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a n**... woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her. The engineer replied, So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes.
Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and Valentines Day are too close...
I don’t know what to paint on my nails.
An old Jew is on his deathbed.
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."
He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.
So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
A couple of Blondes are out in the woods hunting.......
When one of them falls to the ground and her eyes close. The other blonde whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, Help! Help! My friend Holly is dead! What should I do? The operator, in a calm voice, says, Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure she's really dead.
After a brief silence, a shot rings out, then the blonde's voice comes back on the line. OK, now what?
What do you call the space between 2 artificial b**...?
Silicone Valley......
I'll leave and close the door behind me
Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week.
Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.
My granddad always used to say, "as one door closes another one opens"
Wonderful guy, terrible cabinet maker.