Close Jokes

164 close jokes and hilarious close puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about close that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Nothing comes close to the hilariousness of close jokes. Whether it's the month-end close, the accounting close, or any other close that seems too close for comfort, you'll find the funniest jokes about being too close for comfort. Despite it being close by, you'll find yourself opening up to laughter.

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Funniest Close Short Jokes

Short close jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The close humour may include short open jokes also.

  1. What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
  2. My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
    Terrible cabinet maker.
  3. My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
  4. Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
  5. How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old) You order it from the Cat-alogue
  6. Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math" Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
    Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
    Me: "49"
    Interviewer: "that's not even close"
    me: "yeah, but it was fast"
  7. This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
  8. My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens. Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
  9. I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas? He said, It's May.
    Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?
  10. I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus

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Close One Liners

Which close one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with close? I can suggest the ones about shutdown and opening closing.

  1. Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy? Because schools are closed.
  2. Why did the fox News Christmas tree catch fire? They left it too close to the gaslight.
  3. When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
  4. I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died He stepped on a landmine
  5. When is the bible accurate? When thrown from close range
  6. What does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
  7. what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel? Beat it, we're closed
  8. I hate hotel towels....So thick and fluffy. I can't even close my suitcase.
  9. Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke but this is as close as I could get
  10. Some people have difficulties sleeping... but I can do it with my eyes closed.
  11. What did the sign on the door of the brothel say? "Beat it, we're closed."
  12. I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition.. close but no cigar
  13. I wasn't close to my father when he died Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine
  14. Nothing like being awoken by a surprise BJ I should sleep with my mouth closed
  15. This is such a horrible time for the NRA First schools are closed, and now this.

Close Friends Jokes

Here is a list of funny close friends jokes and even better close friends puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle... Having 12 close friends after age 30!
  • Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!
  • What's the most unrealistic thing about the Bible? A 30 year old man with 12 close friends.
  • What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies? He photo-sympathizes.
  • A man was circumcised in a dodgy alleyway... He paid close to nothing for it but was not happy as later that day, he was complaining to his friends that it was a complete rip-off.
  • You close the fridge door and hear something fall inside... That, my friends, is the sound of someone else's problem.
  • My friend showed me a photo of a famous meteor crater in Arizona. It's amazing how close it landed to the Visitor's Center.
  • My neighbour and I became really close friends, so we decided to share our water supply. We got a long well.
  • What life advice did the Jewish cannibal give to his friend? Keep your friends close, but your enemies kosher
  • I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape. But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

Accounting Close Jokes

Here is a list of funny accounting close jokes and even better accounting close puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the guy whose bank closed his account because he dropped his bowl of cereal? All his Chex bounced.
  • Help My account has been hacked and its being closely monitored
Close joke, Help

Close Shave Jokes

Here is a list of funny close shave jokes and even better close shave puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I almost cut myself with a razor today It was a close shave
  • I like to cut my hair by placing it on train tracks It results in a close shave.
  • In light of Movember... Now that November has drawn to a close, a lot of my friends told me it was finally time to get rid of my 'awful' mustache.
    I told them, that goes without shaving!
  • I very nearly cut myself with a razor this morning... It was a close shave
  • What would you call Sean Connery walking out of a burning barber shop? A close shave
  • A smooth close shave with a brand new razor blade is the best feeling in the world! ... was not the best thing to say to my wife shortly after s**....

Close Relatives Jokes

Here is a list of funny close relatives jokes and even better close relatives puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • "I can closely relate to the LGBT community, as my own child is a man trapped in a woman's body ..." Fortunately for him, he'll be born next February.
  • I don't find cigarette jokes funny because a close relative died due to smoking He was crossing the road, stopped to light a cigarette and got hit by a bus.
  • I asked a scientist how close humanity is to speed-of-light travel "We're relatively far off."
  • How are relatable things, and alcholic fathers under house arrest, alike? They both hit really close to home
  • Which former U.S. policitian is closely related to a lizard-like semiaquatic amphibian of the scientific family Salamandridae? Newt Gingrich.

So Close Jokes

Here is a list of funny so close jokes and even better so close puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Interviewer: What's your biggest strength? Me: I'm a fast learner.
    Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
    Me: 65.
    Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
    Me: It's 121.
  • Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim. Within arm's length, to be specific.
  • Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.
  • My granddad always used to say, "as one door closes another one opens" Wonderful guy, terrible cabinet maker.
  • Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week. Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.
  • McDonalds has decided to close all operations in Russia They're calling it a "no fry" zone.
  • My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in.
  • Telltale games is closing down. 'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
  • What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students? Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once
  • My neighbor's in the guinness book of records. He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.
Close joke, My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

Entertaining Close Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

What funny jokes about close you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean exit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make close pranks.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...

'He's like a fish out of water.'
'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
'No, I mean he's dead.'
-Mike Close-

So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off s**... is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the s**.... A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the s**.... The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

An old woman notices her husband's fly is unzipped...

An old woman sees her husband's fly on his pants is unzipped. She says, "You left the barn door open. The cow is gonna get out if ya don't close it."
The old man replied, "It can't get out if it can't get up!"
(I adapted this from an actual exchange that my great grandparents had a few years ago.)

Two men in a park.

A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park.
Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers "do you have any n**... photos of your wife?"
The man angrily says "certainly not".
Creepy guy says "would you like to buy some?"

A gorgeous student walks into her professor's office...

She says "Professor I'm really struggling in your class."
He say's "Ok it's good you're here then, what can I help you with?"
"Well I don't quite understand the material but honestly, I would do anything to pass."
"Anything?" He asks.
She leans in close and softly says "Anything."
He leans in closer, almost whispering as he asks:
"Would you, study?"

A Texas Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

Hair Fragrance

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's s**... threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...

He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Three legged pig

A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.
after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.
He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.
As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.
He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.
He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'
Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'

A drunk walks into a library

Walks to the clerk and says "barkeep get me 2 beers and a shot!" The clerk replies "sir this is a library" the drunk leans close and whispers "bartender get me 2 beers and a shot"

After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.
According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.

Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls.

Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.

Why do hunters close one eye when they aim?

Because they can't see if they close both.

blond joke

A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

There are 500 bricks on a plane...

- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge
- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
- Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick

They say you get closer to God when you die..

because you stop existing

TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt

A feminist and a linguist walk into a bar

They sit down and begin a conversation.
The linguist asks, "Do you have any siblings?"
The feminist replies, "Yes, I have a sister. I'm very close with she."
The linguist, confused, tries to correct her. "Don't you mean 'with her'?"
The feminist is outraged and screams, "Stop objectifying women!"

My dad and I were never that close.

The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father

My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

I took my kids to the aquarium.

"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.
"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

Job Interview

"It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17x19?"
"That's not even close!"
"But it was quick!"

What's the best thing to do when someone close to you dies?

Move seats.

Wife asks god for a better husband

Wife: Dear God , I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night.
I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches.
God then turned her into a smartphone.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge joke

A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the deer, then close the fridge.
The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there except for one; who is it?
The deer: He is still in the fridge.
An old lady is crossing a swamp, but it is a crocodile swamp. How does she cross? Normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party
Mary dies at the edge of the swamp. How?
A brick falls from the sky and kills her.
Knock knock Who's there?
Not Mary

I love my ribcage.

It is very close to my heart.

Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.

I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.

A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"
But the cows keep shuffling in.
Because they don't understand English.

How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?

They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.

A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And p**...! She was a smartphone!

My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more…

I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too c**....

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

They said I would miss my family...

I never miss at close range.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

Why are closeted gay people good at poker?

Because they're always putting on a straight face.

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

A guy told his neighbor "Close the window when you sleep with your wife cause I saw you yesterday"

His neighbor laughed and said " I wasn't even home yesterday d**...!"

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...

Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine.

On the plane

A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:
-What's your name?
-Angela Benz, sir.
-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?
-Yes, sir. A very close one.
-How close?
-Same price.

My wife recently got a seashell tattooed on her thigh.

When you put your ear close to it, you can really smell the ocean.

A blonde student catches her teacher at his desk after class

She puts her arms on his desk and pouts saying "this class is hard, I would do anything to get a good grade on the final. Anything."
He leans in close and says "Anything? Anything at all? Would you.... Study?"

Louis c**... might not physically have had s**... with any women

But he came close.

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.

Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...

After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Bruce. The dwarf."

Think of a number 0 to 20.

Add 32 to it, then multiply your answer by 2. Subtract 2. Now close your eyes.
It's dark, isnt it?

My brother is in the ER right now because of a bee sting that swelled his head,

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with a shovel.

When you look really closely,..

all mirrors look like eyeballs.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

I wasn't very close to my father when he died...

Which was good because he stepped on a landmine

And how old are you?

-Well, let's say, I'm closer to my thirties than to my twenties.
-Oh ok. 27?28?
-No, 45.

me "Please to meet you, I am from East Detroit"

Other person: "Oh my gawd, have you ever seen someone get shot"
Me: "No I close my eyes when I pull the trigger"

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

Her: I'm leaving you because you're too c**....

Him: Close the door on your way back in.

What's something you can say during s**... or at a f**...?

I'm sorry. Were you close?

I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-
Wife: Shhh, say snake instead
Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit
Close one

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.

But this is as close as I could get.

A blonde, brunette, and a red-head go to heaven

They meet St. Peter at a staircase with 100 stairs
St. Peter says, "To get to the gates, you need to climb the stairs, but on each stair is a joke or a riddle. If you laugh, you have to start over."
The red-head goes first. She gets to the first step and laughs.
The brunette goes next. She gets to the thirty second step, then laughs.
The blonde goes last. She got to the final step, and laughed.
St. Peter asks, "You were so close. Why did you laugh?"
The blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

A King had to go on a war but he was worried that his wife might cheat and leave him

He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left. After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he heard someone coming from behind. He stopped for the man and once the other horse rider came close the king saw that he was his minister. The minister came towards the king.
The king said, "didn't I give you a job to do?"
The minister said, " your highness about that.... the keys you gave me are wrong"

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.
The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.
So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.
After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see a man inside.
He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks: "what the h**... are you doing in my closet…?"
The carpenter then said "would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus? "

Think of a Number Between 0 and 20.

Add 32.
Multiply it by 2.
Subtract 1.
Close your eyes.

Dark, isn't it?

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife did it".

Close joke, A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

jokes about close