close Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious close puns

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

'Nurse', he mumbles. 'Are my testicles black?' Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says 'there nothing wrong with them sir'. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ' Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ' are-my-tests-re-sults-back?'

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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TO THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP

CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
I AM ESPECIALLY UPSET BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, THE PHONE WASN'T EVEN A GALAXY S8... IT WAS A GALAXY S5 AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAS A VIRUS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SLOW. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH... THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON STICKS

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My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

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My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!


Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

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I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

He said, It's May.

Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

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My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

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"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

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After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.

According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:



Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?

Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.

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A New Salesman

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,

"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

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I told you I was broke…

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . '

'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

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A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari...

He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report.

Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "All you care about is money and your possessions."

The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down.

"Hear me out...see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm."

"Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

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Closest Shave Ever

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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There are 500 bricks on a plane...

- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499

- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge

- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge

- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?

Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.

- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?

The alligators are all at the birthday party.

- Sally dies anyways. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick

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I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died

He stepped on a landmine

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Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

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Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

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My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too cocky.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

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When is the bible accurate?

When thrown from close range

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Since we're on a vacuum kick...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Fuck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

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Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door

Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why?

A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator

Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How?

A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party

Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why?

A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky

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So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships close to fighting range and fight all day, with many heroics on both sides, but with the captain and his red shirt standing alive and victorious as the other ship sinks behind them in the sunset light.

Later that night the cabin boy is curious and asks the captain why he needed his red shirt, and the captain replies "Well, with my red shirt on, none of the men would see me bleeding if I was wounded, and so they would not lose heart and continue to fight on to victory!"

The cabin boy thinks that's pretty clever and goes to bed for the night.

The next day, the captain is standing on the deck as they sail along when the lookout shouts down "Sir! Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

And the captain turns to his cabin boy and says "Bring me my brown pants!"

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A woman bent down

....to take a close look at a fine piece of jewelry in a jewelry store. In the process she vent out a fart. Embarrassed at that she looked around to see if anyone heard that.
A salesman was right behind her. She gathered her composure and in the hope he didn't notice her breaking the wind asked " What is the price for that necklace?"
The man smiled and said, "Just looking at it you let out a fart. If I tell you the price I am pretty sure you'll shit your pants".

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Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

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An ugly guy enters a bar with a big grin on his face.

Why are you so happy? ask the bartender.

Well , the man answers, I live close to the railroad tracks and when I got home last night I saw a woman laying there, tied down. So I untied her, brought here inside and then I banged her all night ... until the morning light."

I can tell you are a romantic" the bartender replies. "And did she also give you a blowjob?"

"Nah" says the man,"I searched for it but I was not able to find the head"

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When Beethoven died...

he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

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Two Assholes

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.

Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two a$$ holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.'

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My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

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A hot schoolgirl is dangerously close to flunking class...

...so she tells the teacher : "I'd do anything for a good grade". The teacher whispers into her ear : "Anything ?" She replies : "Yes, anything". With a seductive smile he says : "Well then, sit down and start studying, you lazy fuck!"

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The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if i wanted to donate 2$ to end world hunger, i was like HELL YEAH!

I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero!

Joke by Matt Donaher

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Drinking and driving

I would like to share my experience with drinking and driving.

As most of you are aware, some of us have been known to have had close encounters with the authorities on our way home from the nights out drinking and socializing.

So a couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some close friends of mine and had just a few too many.

Knowing full well I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. As fate would have it, I passed a police checkpoint but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not even quite sure where I got it.

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The bible is 100% accurate

when thrown from close range.

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There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?

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There's 500 bricks in a plane. How many are there if you throw one out?

"499"

There are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator. What are they?
Open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge.

There are four steps to putting a deer in the fridge. What are they?
Open the fridge, take the elephant out, put the deer in, close the fridge.

The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals are there but one. Why is that?
The deer is in the fridge.

A woman wants to cross an alligator infested swamp. How does she do it?
She crosses normally because the alligators are at the Lion King's party.

She dies anyways. Why?
She gets hit in the head with a brick.

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My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

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A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.

Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.


Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"


"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.


"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.


In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.

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A man is in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. (NSFW)

"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. "Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

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My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

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I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...

Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine.

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The Bike

A 13 year old boy came home all happy.

His mom asked, "what did you do at school today, hunny?"

"Oh I had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.

The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.

When the father came home the mother said distraughtly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"

The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.

He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him... "I had sex with my teacher".

The dad said, "Son, I'm so proud of you I'm going to get you that bike you have wanted."

They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied, "Nah dad my butt is still sore."

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A masked man walks into a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and tells her to open the safe. She says: but you don't understand. This is not a normal bank. This is a sperm bank. The man says: I know exactly what this is. Now open a sample and swallow the whole thing. The woman opens one and swallows it all. The man then takes off his mask. It is her husband. She screams at him: I can't believe it. It's you. Why are you doing this? He gets close to her and says: you see??? It didn't kill you to swallow it. Did it?

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Why are closeted gay people good at poker?

Because they're always putting on a straight face.

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Johnny finally makes it to college...

On the first day his psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object, then describe the object and tell her what it is.

First she calls on Kyle who says "I feel something big round and bumpy. It's a globe!"

The professor says "Good Kyle! I like the way you think.

Next she calls on Suzie who says "I feel something flat and coarse. It's paper!"

The professor says "Good Suzie! I like the way you think."

Finally she calls on Johnny. He sticks his hand in his pocket with a creepy smile and says "Teacher, I feel something round, hard, and it has a head on it.

The professor interrupts him shouting "Johnny, That's disgusting!"

He replies, "No teacher it's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

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Budweiser is like having sex in a canoe

Fucking close to water

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A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

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What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.

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Your hair smells nice.

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't take it any longer.
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, what's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

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And how old are you?

-Well, let's say, I'm closer to my thirties than to my twenties.

-Oh ok. 27?28?

-No, 45.

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Sexual Harassment joke....

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air
and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment
grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

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I wasn't very close to my father when he died...

Which was good because he stepped on a landmine

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Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.

I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.

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A Rottweiler, Pit Bull, and Great Dane are in kennels at the vet.

The Rott says "my owner's kid got close to my bowl while I was eating so I bit her face. I'm here to be put down."

The Pit says "I keep getting nervous and pissing all over the carpet. My owner's sick of it and I'm here to be put down."

The Dane says "My owner is a beautiful 22 year old college student. One day she got out of the shower and was bending over to dry off. I couldn't help myself so I mounted her and fucked her brains out."

The other dogs shake their heads "so she's putting you down too."

The Dane looks surprised. "What? No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed."

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Nice Smelling Hair!

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.


After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.


The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?


The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

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Some friars were behind on their belfry payments...

... so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the
friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so,
thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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A long series of jokes

503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

_502._

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

_Open door, put elephant in, close door._

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

_Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door._

The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

_The giraffe. He's in a fridge._

Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

_The gators are at the party._

Sally dies anyway. Why?

_She got hit in the head by a flying brick._

---

**

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Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."

Interviewer: "What's 15x26?"

Me: "46"

Interviewer: "That's not even close!"

Me: "Yeah, but it was fast."

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My wife recently got a seashell tattooed on her thigh.

When you put your ear close to it, you can really smell the ocean.

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How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?

They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.

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Tie Salesman

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.

The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"

'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"


Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.

"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.

"They won't let me in without a tie..."

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When i say i'm broke...I'm broke!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"

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A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

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I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition..

close but no cigar

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Did you hear about the guy that died from Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close his coffin.

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An American goes to Japan....

...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.

The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!

Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"

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Possibly the same nursing home.

An old man and woman become very close at a nursing home. He wants to take their friendship to the next level, but the old woman doesn't want to. He convinces her one day to "just hold it". She does this end enjoys being intimate with a man again. They continue this every day at the same time, in the same room, just her holding the old man's business.
One day she walks into the room at the usual time, but the old man is already in there with another woman.
Absolutely heartbroken, she cries out, "What does she have that I don't!"
The old man replies, "Parkinson's!"

:/

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Big Mike and the Saloon

In the Old West, there's this saloon. It's decently-sized and fairly crowded. But one day, the sheriff comes in and yells, "Y'all better git! Big Mike is comin'!"

The folk in the saloon figure this Big Mike guy is bad news, so the whole place clears out. The bartender is about to close up shop when this big, burly guy slams the doors open and starts clamoring toward the bar. The guy must have been six foot ten, three hundred pounds, with fists the size of bowling balls.

Before the bartender could say a word, the guy grabs the nearest bottle of whiskey and chugs it. After emptying the bottle, he smashes it on the bar and starts chewing on the glass shards. The bartender, scared out of his wits, mutters, "c-c-can I g-g-get you another b-b-bottle?"

The guy says, "Nah, I better git. Big Mike is comin'."

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NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy

In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!

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A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And POOF! She was a smartphone!

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A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''


The man does so and the barber shaves away.


''Wow,'' exclaims the man, ''that is great!'' He then asks with a muffled voice, ''What happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?''


''No problems,'' replies the barber. ''Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.''

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My wife got stung by a bee on her forehead. She's at the ER now and her face is all swollen and bruised. She almost died!

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse...

They hit too close to home

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When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.

Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

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Three legged pig

A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.

after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.

He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.

As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.

He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.

He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'

Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'

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Why don't Jewish men eat pussy?

Because it's too close to the gas chamber.

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This guy is stuck on a desert island

After being there for a while, he begins to get lonely and starts to think about his girlfriend back home. The only other animal on this island is a goat. A very sexy goat, mind you. Anyway, as time passes he begins to think more and more about fucking this goat. Eventually, one day he decides, alright, I'm going to fuck this goat. But fucking a goat is not that easy. He tries to get near the goat, but it just runs away. Every time he gets close, the goat just takes off. Finally, he corners the goat at the edge of a cliff. The goat knows, he's fucked. But just then, he sees a woman floating in the surf. He swims out to rescue her and brings her ashore. She's so grateful that she tells the man she'll do anything he wants.
"Anything?" says the man.
"Anything." says the woman and winks.
"Alright! Can you hold this goat for me?"

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I held a door open for a lady today. You'd think she would say thank you or acknowledge in some way. But noooo....

....All she said was,

*CLOSE THE FUCKIN DOOR, I'M TRYING TO PISS.*

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An extremely close landing on an extremely short runway..

A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, its really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be an extremely close landing!" The plane touches down on the ground, engages maximum breaks, and with schreaching tires comes to a stop two meters from the end of the runway. "Phew, " says the pilot relieved. "That was the shortest landing I've ever made." The co-pilot looks out of the windows and answers: "And certainly on the widest runway I've every seen.."

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A gorgeous student walks into her professor's office...

She says "Professor I'm really struggling in your class."

He say's "Ok it's good you're here then, what can I help you with?"

"Well I don't quite understand the material but honestly, I would do anything to pass."

"Anything?" He asks.

She leans in close and softly says "Anything."

He leans in closer, almost whispering as he asks:

"Would you, study?"

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My brother is in the ER right now because of a bee sting that swelled his head,

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with a shovel.

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An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"

But the cows keep shuffling in.

Because they don't understand English.

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I came very close to death last night.

I had a wank in a graveyard.

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When you look really closely,..

all mirrors look like eyeballs.

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old man crying

i went for a jog today through the park and i came across and old man crying heavily. i passed him the first time but on my second lap he was still there balling his eye's out. i slowed down as i got close to him and started walking as to not starle him.

me: "Is everything ok sir?"

the old man wouldn't even look up but he replied

old man: "i have a big house, with a beautiful wife in her 30's who has the libido of teenage boy and breasts the size of bowling balls"

i'm a little taken about then ask

me: "why in the world would you be crying then?"

old man replies sobbing now

old man: "I cant remember where i live"

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I took my kids to the aquarium.

"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.

"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

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Two guys were playing golf

Two guys were playing golf, and they were annoyed because there were two women ahead of them playing very slowly. One of the guys decided to ask if they could play through. He walked over about halfway, they suddenly turned around very quickly and came back.


"That was close," he said. "One of those women is my wife, and the other one is my mistress! If they both recognized me, I'd have been in real trouble."


"Don't worry," the other guy said. "I'll go ask if we can play through."


He started over towards them, then he, too, suddenly turned back.
"Talk about your coincidences!"

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My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more…

I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."

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TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt

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Barber's Joke today

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber gets him lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.

"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum"
The customer places the ball in his cheek and gets the closest shave he has ever experienced.

After the shave, the customer asks in garbled speech "what if I swallow it?" "Not a problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else"

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I told my a very old & close classmate at our 15-year reunion that I'm a Poet. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

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What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.

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"Name that drink."

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name the kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.

A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."

"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."

So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"

"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

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A warning to all the drivers now, close to New Year's Eve...

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

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Nice Smelling Hair.

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget."

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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit

After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"

The moose says "Yeah, I guess you're right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I've never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?"

The wolf says "Of course"

So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.

The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says "I don't even know why the hell I looked. I can't even read."

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They say you get closer to God when you die..

because you stop existing

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Two men in a park.

A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park.
Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers "do you have any naked photos of your wife?"

The man angrily says "certainly not".

Creepy guy says "would you like to buy some?"

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A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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It's an old joke, but I said it to my kids and their friends and they went hysterical

A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the deer, then close the fridge.
The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there except for one; who is it?
The deer: He is still in the fridge.
An old lady is crossing a swamp, but it is a crocodile swamp. How does she cross? Normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party
Mary dies at the edge of the swamp. How?

A brick falls from the sky and kills her.

Knock knock Who's there?



Not Mary

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A man with a massive orange head cut a swath through a High Street

A woman watched his progress,transfixed.

Unable to contain her curiosity she leapt to her feet and chased the man.

"Excuse me!" she called when she was close enough.
The man turned and smiled,making him appear welcoming.

"Please don't think me rude, but I must ask".............................

"Ahhh,the head" the man preemted.

She nodded,slightly embarrassed.

"Well,three years ago I kicked an old brass lamp while walking and an explosion of smoke mushroomed out.
A genie appeared and spoke the words;
"You released me. Three wishes are now yours for free"

"I was shocked, obviously, but went for it anyway."

"Firstly I said I'd like to be hugely wealthy"....

Puff......

"In my hand appeared a bank card which the genie told me would never expire. Any money I asked of it would be mine"

"Wow!" said the woman.

"Yep......Then,secondly I asked for more understanding in the world, reasoning that if people could take the time to understand others views and beliefs there'd be a lot less shit going on"

"Impressive" remarked the woman "then what?"

"Then I asked for a massive orange head".

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Just looking for a good time.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few beers they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers (Art and Gary) and whispers to her manager,
"Go up to the first bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk,
I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says "you know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead? says his friend, "why would you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the whole time I was loving her!"

His friend says "I think mine was a witch!"

"A witch?" says the first" "why the hell would say that?"

"Well " the first man replies "I was making love to her, kissing her neck and when I gave her a little bite
on the neck, she farted and flew out the window!"

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If you put your ear really close to someone's knee you can actually hear...

...them say: "What the fuck are you doing?!"

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Pregnant Lady on the Train

A young boy ride's the train every morning to and from school. One day as we was getting off the train he saw how much of a rush this one pregnant women was in, so he stepped aside and said "after you ma'am," as he stepped aside and let her step off the train. From that day on they began to sit next to each other every single day, twice a day. They told each other about their days, their families, their problems, and their goals. They eventually got so close that the young boy was invited to the hospital just after the birth of her first child. at this moment she turned to the young boy and said, with a smile, "I'm going to name him after you"
Excited but a little bit confused the boy responded:
"I really appreciated that, but he's your child, I think you should name him first"

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Why do hunters close one eye when they aim?

Because they can't see if they close both.

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Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

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Job Interview

"It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17x19?"

"36"

"That's not even close!"

"But it was quick!"

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My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I'm too cocky

So I told her to close the door on the way back in.

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Pancakes

A couple was raising a young boy. The two parents were concerned about their child, as he had an abnormally small penis for his age. So they consult a doctor, and after a close examination, the doctor tells the parents, "Just feed him plenty of pancakes. Eventually he'll reach a good size."

The next morning, the young boy goes to the kitchen to find a huge stack of pancakes sitting on the table. "Oh wow, Mom! Are these all for me?" asks the boy.

The mother replies, "Just take two, dear. The rest are for your father."

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They said I would miss my family...

I never miss at close range.

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I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. It'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he says. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?'

The lawyer looks down in horror.

'FUCKING HELL!' he screams........'My Rolex!!!'

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A feminist and a linguist walk into a bar

They sit down and begin a conversation.

The linguist asks, "Do you have any siblings?"

The feminist replies, "Yes, I have a sister. I'm very close with she."

The linguist, confused, tries to correct her. "Don't you mean 'with her'?"

The feminist is outraged and screams, "Stop objectifying women!"

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Gotta take a shit

Bob and Jim are chilling in the park when Bob has to take a shit. With no bathroom close Jim tells Bob go ahead I will be lookout. Bobs starts his business when Jim yells "COP". So Bob throws his hat over the pile of shit.

Cop: What's under the hat?
Bob: unm a leprechaun
Cop: ok let me see it
Bob: No way those things are fast
Cop: ok you lift the hat and I will grab it
Bob: ok. 1..2..3

Bob moves the hat and the cop quickly grabs the pile of shit

Bob: Now look you scared the shit out of him!

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A drunk walks into a library

Walks to the clerk and says "barkeep get me 2 beers and a shot!" The clerk replies "sir this is a library" the drunk leans close and whispers "bartender get me 2 beers and a shot"

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Wife asks god for a better husband

Wife: Dear God , I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night.
I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches.
God then turned her into a smartphone.

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3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead die and go to heaven, but God awaits them with a challenge

They must hear 100 jokes before they get to heaven, if they laugh, they go to hell. The brunette laughs at the 6th joke and goes to hell. The redhead laughs at the 58th joke and goes to hell. The blonde makes it all the way to the 98th joke before laughing, God, puzzled, asks why she laughed when she was so close to heaven. The blonde replies with, "I finally understood the 1st joke!"

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Daddy's nickname

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."

Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

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A muggle walks up to a wizard

And says "Holy crap, you're Harry Potter!!"

The wizard replies, "No, but you're close. I'm Harry Potter's godfather"

"Haha, nice try Harry Potter. I know it's you." Says the muggle.

"No, I'm Sirius"

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Sexual Harassment joke

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

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A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

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A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.

The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. I'll give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

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Helping The Doctor

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in!
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

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me "Please to meet you, I am from East Detroit"

Other person: "Oh my gawd, have you ever seen someone get shot"

Me: "No I close my eyes when I pull the trigger"

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An old man lays dying in his bed with all his close family gathered around him...

Dying man: My son... Are you here?

Son: Yes dad, I'm right here with you, our whole family is.

Dying man: Daughter, are you here too?

Daughter: Yes dad, I'm here with your grandchildren, we're all with you.

Dying man: What about my wife and brothers?

Wife and brothers: Us too, everyone is here with you.

Dying man: Then why is the fucking light still on in the living room?

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I'm close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why

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Why was six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.

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A group of friars ...

opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their
business flourished.

A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again, they refused.

Therefore, the florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they did not close, he would be back. Well, very terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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If you put your right ear really close to your left knee and you listen...

...you can hear a voice say 'What the fuck are you doing?'

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A group of nuns are repainting the interior of their monastery...

A group of nuns are repainting the interior of their convent, when they decided that they should keep their clothes clean by painting in the nude. They proceeded to close all the shades on the windows, because obviously they didn't want anyone seeing them naked.

They get a knock on the door. Before opening, one of the nuns asks, "Who is it?" to which he replies with, "blind guy." Well we can let a blind guy in since he can't see us naked, they figure. They open the door to a perfectly sighted man who remarks, "Nice tits. Your blinds are broken, I'm here to fix them."

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A young woman is about to get married...

She says to her mom, "I need you to teach me everything I need to know to make my husband happy."

The mom gets really embarrassed and starts, "Well, sweetie, when a man and a woman are in love, they sometimes what to be physically close to each other..."

The young woman cuts her off. "Mom, I already know how to fuck. I need you to teach me how to make lasagna."

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How is Bud Light like sex on the beach?

they're both fucking close to water

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Instructions for cleaning the toilet

**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying herself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed she will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

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I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls.

Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.

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the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to.

If you tell the Navy "Secure that building!"
They will turn out the lights, close and lock all doors and windows and post a fire watch

If you tell the Air Force "Secure that building!"
They will take out a 30 year lease with an option to buy.

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On the plane

A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:

-What's your name?

-Angela Benz, sir.

-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?

-Yes, sir. A very close one.

-How close?

-Same price.

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I added some pressure to my tires today.

I leaned in close and whispered "You lose anymore air I'll fucking cut you myself"

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Why are jews afraid to eat pussy?

because its too close to the gas chamber

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The Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but didn't know how to close.

Kevin was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Edward was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Charles was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Richard was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the Groom, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Handed my Grandpa a sweet tea

He took a sip and said "ahh, this is like having sex in a canoe"

"Does that mean it's good" i replied

"No, it's fucking pretty close to water"

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My neighbour is in the Guinness book of world records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

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I love my ribcage.

It is very close to my heart.

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Think of a number 0 to 20.

Add 32 to it, then multiply your answer by 2. Subtract 2. Now close your eyes.

It's dark, isnt it?

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A guy told his neighbor "Close the window when you sleep with your wife cause I saw you yesterday"

His neighbor laughed and said " I wasn't even home yesterday dumbass!"

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What are the best Close puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Close? Well, here are the best jokes about Close to have fun with.

Joko Jokes