Close Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

He said, It's May.

Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.

According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?

Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.

I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died

He stepped on a landmine

Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too cocky.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

When is the bible accurate?

When thrown from close range

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...

Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine.

Why are closeted gay people good at poker?

Because they're always putting on a straight face.

A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.

And how old are you?

-Well, let's say, I'm closer to my thirties than to my twenties.

-Oh ok. 27?28?

-No, 45.

I wasn't very close to my father when he died...

Which was good because he stepped on a landmine

Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.

I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."

Interviewer: "What's 15x26?"

Me: "46"

Interviewer: "That's not even close!"

Me: "Yeah, but it was fast."

My wife recently got a seashell tattooed on her thigh.

When you put your ear close to it, you can really smell the ocean.

How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?

They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition..

close but no cigar

A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And POOF! She was a smartphone!

When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.

Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

A gorgeous student walks into her professor's office...

She says "Professor I'm really struggling in your class."

He say's "Ok it's good you're here then, what can I help you with?"

"Well I don't quite understand the material but honestly, I would do anything to pass."

"Anything?" He asks.

She leans in close and softly says "Anything."

He leans in closer, almost whispering as he asks:

"Would you, study?"

Her: I'm leaving you because you're too cocky.

Him: Close the door on your way back in.

My brother is in the ER right now because of a bee sting that swelled his head,

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with a shovel.

An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"

But the cows keep shuffling in.

Because they don't understand English.

When you look really closely,..

all mirrors look like eyeballs.

I took my kids to the aquarium.

"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.

"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more…

I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."

TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt

I told my a very old & close classmate at our 15-year reunion that I'm a Poet. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

They say you get closer to God when you die..

because you stop existing

Two men in a park.

A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park.
Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers "do you have any naked photos of your wife?"

The man angrily says "certainly not".

Creepy guy says "would you like to buy some?"

What's something you can say during sex or at a funeral?

I'm sorry. Were you close?

Why do hunters close one eye when they aim?

Because they can't see if they close both.

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

Job Interview

"It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17x19?"

"36"

"That's not even close!"

"But it was quick!"

They said I would miss my family...

I never miss at close range.

A feminist and a linguist walk into a bar

They sit down and begin a conversation.

The linguist asks, "Do you have any siblings?"

The feminist replies, "Yes, I have a sister. I'm very close with she."

The linguist, confused, tries to correct her. "Don't you mean 'with her'?"

The feminist is outraged and screams, "Stop objectifying women!"

A drunk walks into a library

Walks to the clerk and says "barkeep get me 2 beers and a shot!" The clerk replies "sir this is a library" the drunk leans close and whispers "bartender get me 2 beers and a shot"

Wife asks god for a better husband

Wife: Dear God , I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night.
I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches.
God then turned her into a smartphone.

A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

me "Please to meet you, I am from East Detroit"

Other person: "Oh my gawd, have you ever seen someone get shot"

Me: "No I close my eyes when I pull the trigger"

I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls.

Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.

On the plane

A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:

-What's your name?

-Angela Benz, sir.

-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?

-Yes, sir. A very close one.

-How close?

-Same price.

I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-

Wife: Shhh, say snake instead

Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit

Close one

I love my ribcage.

It is very close to my heart.

Think of a number 0 to 20.

Add 32 to it, then multiply your answer by 2. Subtract 2. Now close your eyes.

It's dark, isnt it?

A guy told his neighbor "Close the window when you sleep with your wife cause I saw you yesterday"

His neighbor laughed and said " I wasn't even home yesterday dumbass!"

What's the best thing to do when someone close to you dies?

Move seats.

blond joke

A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

A blonde student catches her teacher at his desk after class

She puts her arms on his desk and pouts saying "this class is hard, I would do anything to get a good grade on the final. Anything."

He leans in close and says "Anything? Anything at all? Would you.... Study?"

Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...

After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

A Texas Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"

"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

"One."

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$79,237.64."

His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off strip is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the strip. A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the strip. The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

What are the funniest close jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Close? Well, here are the best Close puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Close pick up lines to share with friends.

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