Close Friends Jokes

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.
Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's collecting hobby.
Every day since January 1st, 1949, he collected ties with funny designs and wore them to work. Some had cats, or snakes or airplanes. He had close to 100 by the time he died several years ago. I remember as a kid how much I loved them, he had stories of what happened to him while.he wore those ties. He had an awesome memory and was good at telling stories.
When he passed, he left them to me. I couldn't keep all 100, and I also gave some to my cousins, but I decided to keep the ties that were his absolute favorites: his chicken pattern ties.
One day, he wore his first chicken tie when he met my grandmother. From then, he collected more chicken ties to remind him of her. I wear them every now and again, as well.
Thanks for reading this. I like to talk about them, but all my friends act weird when I tell them about my granddad's Hen Tie collection.

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.
Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.
After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.
Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."

A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.

Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.
Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"
"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.
"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.
In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.

A boy was walking in the park when...

A boy was walking in the park when he found a little bird. The bird was was on the floor, alone and crying. The little boy bent down and asked the bird "What's wrong there, little fella?" The bird, still crying replied "I h-have no friends, and i-im all alone." The boy sat for a minute to think about this. Finally he told the bird "Well, God's your friend!" The little bird looked up hopefully at the boy and asked, "Who's God?" Smiling, the boy took the bird in his hands and began to tell it what a nice person God was and how he loved everyone and everything, even lonely birds. The bird got so excited he started to chirp "I want to meet him! I want to meet him!" The boy took the bird in close and said, "You really want to meet him?" The bird cried "Yes! Yes! Right now!" The boy whispered "Ok..." and smashed his hands together as hard as he could.

Daddy, is god a Man or a Woman?

Father: God is both.
Boy: Is God Black or White?
Father: God is both.
Boy: Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?
*Note* I know this joke is outdated, but a very close friend told it to me a couple years ago and as she recently passed away, I'm posting it here so people can know she was awesome.

A woman staying in a hotel was taking a shower after a long days work when she heard a knock on her door.

She went to the door, looked through the door-hole and saw it was her friend Steve. She wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
"I finally got my racing licence!" exclaimed Steve.
"Good for you." the woman said, and closed the door, left the towel by the door and got back in the shower. A second knock came, and she saw it was John, another friend of hers. Again she wrapped the towel around her and opened the door.
"I won the lottery!" John said, and the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. for the third time, a knock on the door came. she looked through the peephole and saw it was Tom, her blind friend. she didn't bother putting on a towel.
"What is it Tom?! This is the third time I have been interrupted while showering!"
Tom gleefully replied:
"I can see!"

Drinking and driving

I would like to share my experience with drinking and driving.
As most of you are aware, some of us have been known to have had close encounters with the authorities on our way home from the nights out drinking and socializing.

So a couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some close friends of mine and had just a few too many.
Knowing full well I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. As fate would have it, I passed a police checkpoint but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not even quite sure where I got it.

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...

He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

A few fresh snails

Tom's wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment's before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down some fresh snails for the party.
On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he'd stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails. One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn't gotten his wife those snails.
Quickly he hurried down, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails. At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party.
Tom, looked towards the snails and said C'mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we're there!

My friend's "gong clock"

My friend called me to his house one evening for a catchup. We spent a few hours talking and it was getting late so I decided to leave. "Wait! I haven't shown you my gong clock! He took me upstairs where he had this massive gong close to the back wall. He said "like it?!" I replied "umm.. How does it work? Doesn't it just make a noise?" "Haha not just makes a noise but you can get the time too!" He said. "Let me demonstrate.." He picked up a giant mallet and struck the gong! It was so loud we both covered our ears! When I removed my hands and the gong was quieting down I could hear was knocking on wall and a muffled voice shouting "IT'S 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?"

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "

How do you put an elephant in a fridge joke

A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.
How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the deer, then close the fridge.
The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there except for one; who is it?
The deer: He is still in the fridge.
An old lady is crossing a swamp, but it is a crocodile swamp. How does she cross? Normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party
Mary dies at the edge of the swamp. How?
A brick falls from the sky and kills her.
Knock knock Who's there?
Not Mary