Clocks Back Jokes
56 clocks back jokes and hilarious clocks back puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about clocks back that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Clocks Back Short Jokes
Short clocks back jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The clocks back humour may include short clocks go back jokes also.
- The Government is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I'm going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much. My clocks, my choice.
- I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock.... I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.
I'm here all day.. - Yesterday I ate a clock It was very time consuming...
Especially when I went back for seconds - Don't forget tonight, just before midnight, to lift your left foot, and don't put it back down until after the clock strikes midnight... So you can start 2021 on the right foot!
- I just got back from the annual alarm clock convention, and I'm never going again It was a total snooze-fest
- How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock? She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.
Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it. - The Spice Girls want to remind you to set your clocks back an hour tonight. Because tonight is the night, when two becomes one.
- I'm going out for a meal with my girlfriend tonight. I've set the clock back four hours so we get there on time.
- I am not turning my clocks back in November. I am not giving 2020 an extra hour's worth of damage.
- My grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish. Bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.
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Clocks Back One Liners
Which clocks back one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with clocks back? I can suggest the ones about clocks changing and time clock.
- What does a clock do when its hungry? It goes back 4 seconds.
- Reminder to all Americans: Remember to set your clock back by 75 years today.
- My clock has gone back four seconds. It must've been really hungry.
- Turning back the clock an hour in 2020 Is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.
- Imagine if clocks would hit you back in the morning. That would be truly alarming.
- Everyone's asleep! Let's set all the clocks back an hour!
- The clocks went back. Really enjoyed an extra hour in bed awake with our screaming son..
- Today the clocks went back in the uk But I can't remember where I got mine from
- Goodnight America, sleep tight... ...Don't forget to roll your clock back 300 years.
- Back then: You are the bomb, yo Future: You are the clock, yo
Clocks Back Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about clocks back you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean time change jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make clocks back pranks.
I turned on the light to wake up my kids. My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Cuckoo Clock Mayhem
I was invited for dinner with my old friends.
I swore to my wife that I'd be back at midnight. She didn't believe me, but I still went there.
The meal was very tasty, time flied, my blood was already scarce compared to all of the alcohol and I was extremely drunk. At about 3 AM, I went back home. When I came in and closed the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall said "cuckoo" 3 times.
Quickly, thinking that my wife would wake up and have an argument with me, I said "cuckoo" 9 more times.
I was really proud of myself for having a great, quick idea, even while I was drunk, to avoid having a conflict with my wife.
The next morning, she asked me what time did I come back home and I said "midnight". She didn't seem to distrust me, not even a little.
Then she told me:
\- Honey, we need a new cuckoo for our clock!
When I asked her why, she said:
\- Well, this night the cuckoo said "cuckoo" 3 times and said "GAAAAAAH, I'M s**...!". It said "cuckoo" 4 more times, then he grunted and belched. It said "cuckoo" 3 more times, f**..., crazily laughed and said "cuckoo" 2 more times. Then, it hit the door I left ajar and said "SON OF A B\*\*CH!", stepped on the cat and said "SH\*T!" and only went to bed after falling twice while taking off his clothes. Don't you think we'd better get a new cuckoo while it's still under the warranty?
Barber Shop
One day at a local barber shop a priest went in to get his hair cut. After he finished he asks the barber how much he owes him for the haircut. The barber politely responds with "For you, it is free of charge. Think of it as my way of giving back to my religion". The priest is very thankful and leaves. The next day the barber arrives to his shop and find 12 prayer cards on the doorstep from the priest in repayment for the kind act.
That very same day a police officer comes into the shop to get his haircut. After he is finished he asks the barber the same question and the barber says "For you, it is free of charge. Think of it as my way of giving back to my community". The police officer is also very grateful and leaves. The next day the barber returns to find 12 doughnuts on his doorstep in repayment for the free haircut.
Around 3 o'clock on that day a United States Senator comes in for his haircut. After he is finished he asks the barber how much he owes him and says "This one will be free, think of it as my way of giving back to my country". The next day the barber arrives at his shop and is astonished to see 12 U.S. senators waiting at his doorstep.
Can you give me a push?
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!
1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – OIL AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE OIL. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.
So a brunette is walking back and forth across railroad tracks...
...and ever time she crosses she says, "42! 42! 42!"
A blonde happens upon her and is perplexed by what she is seeing. After watching her a while, the blonde determines that it looks like fun, and joins the brunette on the tracks saying, "42! 42! 42!"
Soon the Five O'clock Express comes rumbling down the line. The brunette jumps off the tracks and the train hits the blonde.
The brunette patiently waits for the train to pass, but once it does she starts crossing the tracks again saying, "43! 43! 43!"
My friend's "gong clock"
My friend called me to his house one evening for a catchup. We spent a few hours talking and it was getting late so I decided to leave. "Wait! I haven't shown you my gong clock! He took me upstairs where he had this massive gong close to the back wall. He said "like it?!" I replied "umm.. How does it work? Doesn't it just make a noise?" "Haha not just makes a noise but you can get the time too!" He said. "Let me demonstrate.." He picked up a giant mallet and struck the gong! It was so loud we both covered our ears! When I removed my hands and the gong was quieting down I could hear was knocking on wall and a muffled voice shouting "IT'S 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?"
The best joke I've ever heard from a teacher
The final paper is due for a large class at Harvard, worth 50% of the grade. The professor has made it very clear that the paper must be turned in by 2 P.M. on the dot. He stands at his office door as 2 PM approaches, collecting papers from the last few stragglers. As the clock strikes 2, he turns to go back into his office, when a student runs up to him, paper in hand.
"Professor, professor!" The student says. "I'm so sorry. Please, I'm only a few seconds late, will you make an exception just this once?"
"Sorry," says the professor. "I was very clear about the deadline for this assignment."
The student gets angry. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"
"No..." says the professor.
"Good!" the student says, and shoves his work into the stack of papers and runs off.
A blonde and brunette are watching the 10 o'clock news...
The lead story is a man threatening to jump off a building. Before the end of the bit, the news breaks to commercial.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $10 he jumps."
"Okay, I'll take that bet," replies the blonde.
The news comes back from break and the story ends with the man tragically jumping to his death. The blonde pulls out a $10 bill and holds it out to the brunette.
"I can't take your money," says the brunette.
"You won. He jumped," insists the blonde.
"But I cheated," replies the brunette. "I already saw this story on the 6 o'clock news."
"So did I," says the blonde. "But I didn't think he would be dumb enough to jump twice."
My friend asked me if I could try my hand at fixing his broken clock
After tinkering with it for a bit, I handed it back to him.
"How will I know if it's fixed?" he asked.
To which I replied, "Time will tell."
A story about a man with no arms.
One day, a man with no arms was low of money and decided he needed a job. So he went to the local church and talked to the priest. He told the pastor that he wanted to be the bell ringer, despite the fact that he had no arms.
The priest pondered this, and said "if you can go ring the bell at 3, you can have the job."
So right at three he went up the stairs to the massive Bell;m, rand and slammed his entire face into the bell, ringing it once. He backed up, and ran into the bell with his face again, ringing it once more.
He went back to the priest and the priest said "well I'm impressed, you got the job." So every hour he would go back up and ring the bell. At ten o'clock, as he was running towards the bell he tripped and fell off the tower and died. So while the cops were on the scene investigating the body, one cop asked the other "Do you know this man!"
"No, but his face sure rings a bell!"
A man goes out to play golf...
...while his wife waits at home. He promises to be back by five.
Five'o'clock comes and goes and the husband hasn't come back yet. Gradually, the hours tick by and no sign of the husband. The wife is about to go looking for him when the front door opens and the husband shuffles in.
The wife is worried sick.
"Where have you been? You said you'd be home by five, it's now eight'o'clock!"
The husband replies with, "I'm sorry I'm late, but my friend Harry had a heart attack today in the middle of golf."
The wife is shocked.
"Oh dear! That's awful!"
"I know! All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tomorrow you should turn back our clocks one hour. for Daylight Saving Time
Unless you're Arabic, in which case you should set it forward 14 centuries.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's 2016, I don't need to set my clocks back manually
I just have my n**... James do it for me.
Looks like we set back the clock twice this week...
First on Sunday, then on election night.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Time change
I was sitting on the edge of my chair last night with a can of black paint and my pants and u**... around my ankles. My wife walked into the room and screamed, "NO! You fool, I said to be sure you turn your clock back."
What did the Clock say to Moses when he told him he'd be back in 100 years?
Time waits for Nomad
The Clock in the Window
A man was exploring some back streets in a city, when he saw a little shop with a clock in the window - which reminded him that his mantle clock was broken. So he returned home, got his clock, and returned to the shop.
He entered and put it on the counter, saying "Can you repair this?"
The shopkeeper, who was a small Jewish man, replied "I don't repair clocks - I'm a Mohel."
The man looked puzzled, until the shopkeeper explained that he performed circumcisions.
"Then why have you got a clock in your window?" he asked. The little man looked at him.
"So what would you put in the window?"
A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.
"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."
"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"
"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."
"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."
The General's Butler
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his butler.
Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army, the general said. Nothing to it, you'll catch on again fast.
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife walked into the garage where I was sitting with brush in hand and can of black paint
She yelled, "No you fool!! What I said to you was to remember to turn your clock back!!"
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
A comment following the video of two different camera views of the guy falling off that drone motorcycle thing reminded me of this oldie but goodie: a guy walks into a bar....
....sits down, orders a beer, and is watching the 5 o'clock news: footage of a guy about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bartender says I bet you $100 he does it. Guy takes the bet, and not long after has to pay up...
A few minutes later, bartender comes back. I'm sorry man, I can't take your money. I won't lie, I saw this guy on the noon news, I knew he was gonna jump. Customer replies No, no, you won it fair and square. I saw the noon news too, but It looked so rough I never thought he'd do it twice!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Car for Sale
p**... wanted to sell his car but was concerned he wouldn't get much for it due to the high mileage, he spoke to his friend Mickey who suggested winding the clock back, reducing the mileage, in the hope he could ask for more money.
A few days later p**... was talking to Mickey again, 'How'd you get on sellin the car p**...?' He asked his friend.
'I didn't sell it in the end' he said. 'Why not?' asked Mickey. 'Well I wound it back like you said, and when I'd finished sure there was only 12,000 miles on the clock, so I decided to keep it'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German man is sitting in a waiting room.
The clock on the wall is going Tick,.....Tick,.....,Tick,.....,
Suddenly he jumps up, rips the face off the clock, bends it's hands behind it's back and says...
"Ve have vays of making you Tock!"
A man takes his grandfather clock in to be repaired….
The repair person in the clock shop is an old German. The man says my grandfather clock only goes tik tik tik tik. They take the clock to the back room of the shop and tie it to a chair. The old man then lights up a cigarette, take a big drag, and blows the smoke in the clocks face. He sets the cigarette aside, looks at the clock and says……….Ve haf vays to make you tock.