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Clock Jokes

153 clock jokes and hilarious clock puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about clock that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Enjoy some of the best clock jokes out there! Whether it's an alarm clock, a time clock, Lincolns, stopwatches, or tocks, the jokes related to time are sure to bring some laughs. Check out the funniest jokes about clocks here!

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Funniest Clock Short Jokes

Short clock jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The clock humour may include short timer jokes also.

  1. A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
  2. Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired? Because they're working around the clock.
  3. The Government is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I'm going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much. My clocks, my choice.
  4. Hickory Dickory Dock Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.
  5. Dear Humans, You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.
    Sincerely,
    Confused alarm clock.
  6. Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.
  7. I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered... "I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"
  8. I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato... ...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".
  9. I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory! After all the extra hours I put into it!
  10. My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped. "That's amazing."
    "Not really. That's when it fell on top of him."

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Clock One Liners

Which clock one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with clock? I can suggest the ones about timing and daytime.

  1. 6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
  2. I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
  3. Eating clocks is... time consuming.
    Sorry.
  4. What does a clock do when its hungry? It goes back 4 seconds.
  5. In my community we have a neighborhood watch, It's actually more like a clock tower.
  6. Saw a clock in the garbage the other day! Can't believe people are wasting time!
  7. I love the taste of clocks but… Eating them is time consuming
  8. I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.
  9. My wife made me stop burning clocks She was worried about all that second hand smoke
  10. No, I'm not addicted to taking batteries out of clocks. I can stop at any time I want.
  11. What did the hungry clock do? It went back four seconds.
  12. They're finally making a movie about clocks. It's about time
  13. I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.
  14. Why don't you ever buy a woman a watch? Because there's a clock on the stove.
  15. I chopped the clock in half. It was a split second decision.

Time Clock Jokes

Here is a list of funny time clock jokes and even better time clock puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock.... I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.
    I'm here all day..
  • The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza. Now they'll have the time as well as the inclination.
  • I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.
  • Yesterday I ate a clock It was very time consuming...

    Especially when I went back for seconds
  • Never share a secret with a clock. Time will tell.
  • My dad spent all day putting a clock on his belt It was a waist of time
  • Yesterday I tried eating a clock It was time consuming
  • Did you hear they finally published that book about clocks? It's about time.
  • What do you get when you pour red bull onto a clock? A waste of time and energy.
  • I'm trying to invent a belt made of clocks But my friends keep telling me it's a waist of time

Alarm Clock Jokes

Here is a list of funny alarm clock jokes and even better alarm clock puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He's in for a rude awakening.
  • I'm inventing an alarm clock. When it goes off, it shouts, "9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!" That ought to wake people up.
  • For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping. She's in for a rude awakening.
  • Justin Bieber.... I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.
  • How to fall out of love with an ex-girlfriend? Set her voice as your alarm-clock ringtone.
  • I just got back from the annual alarm clock convention, and I'm never going again It was a total snooze-fest
  • A teenage boy is like an alarm clock Comes in handy once a day
  • What's the only thing that can ruin your perfect relationship with your crush? The alarm clock
  • For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping. She's in for a rude awakening.
  • "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!" "That's alarming!"
Clock joke, "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!"

Cuckoo Clock Jokes

Here is a list of funny cuckoo clock jokes and even better cuckoo clock puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the little bird that took over his clock by force? It was a cuckoo coup.
  • I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock... ...It's not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.
  • I bought a clock that was made by the patients at a psychiatric hospital It's the beautiful cuckoo clock I've ever seen.
  • What did the cuckoo clock do as soon as it hit new years day? Put its hands up and started belting out a tune
  • Cuckoo-clock... Cuckoo-clock: tik-tak, tik-tak.
    Cuckoo-clock with a mentally r**... cuckoo: Tik-Tok, Tik-Tok

If Her Age Is On The Clock Jokes

Here is a list of funny if her age is on the clock jokes and even better if her age is on the clock puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • At the age of 25, I FINALLY learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock. It's about time.
  • My dad had a strict rule where I couldn't go on dates if my age was on the clock... I can't wait to be 61.
  • My girlfriend has been waiting for me to finish my book about old clocks for ages. When I finally gave it to her, all she said was "It's about time!?"
  • if her age is on the clock-
  • You know what they say age is on the clock... FBI OPEN UP!
  • If her age is on the clock She's 12 years old or younger
  • Q: Why did the blonde become a big basketball fan? A: Because every time they stopped the clock, she thought that she had stopped aging.
  • I turned on the light to wake up my kids. My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.
  • Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock.
  • How do you understand that your wife is ready for s**...? If her age is on the clock
Clock joke, How do you understand that your wife is ready for s**...?

Delightful Fun Clock Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about clock you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hour jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make clock pranks.

What happened to the clock that was still hungry?

It went back 4 seconds.

What did the young digital clock say to its Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

A good ole 90's joke.

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the pearly gates he notices clocks with names hanging all over the place. The man asks god "What are all the clocks for?" God responded "Every time the clock makes a full rotation, someone on earth commits a sin." The man looked around at all the clocks and out of curiosity asked god "Where's Bill Clinton's clock?" God just pointed up to the ceiling fan.

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

What is your favorite joke about women?

Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: Because there is a clock on the stove.

British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

I had to change the battery in my clock.

It was about time.

Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny

>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.
Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?
Dude2: You dont want to do that.
Dude1: Why?
Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

The clock was bored of his tick-tock...

...so he changed to a better tack-tick.

Hickory Dickory Dock...

Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the rest escaped with minor injuries.
(Something my grandfather told me when I was five)

You know what they say about big hands...

Big clock.

Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself,

that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.

My friend told me a joke about a clock last week and today I finally got it...

It's about time.

Why did the emo s**... an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

Reminder to all Americans:

Remember to set your clock back by 75 years today.

What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?

"Vee haf vays to make you tock"

A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

A man walks up to a German clock maker

The man tells him, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!"
The German clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yells "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU TOK!"

The clock hits 9:11 twice everyday

One for each tower

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

So I got fired from the clock factory yesterday

Apparently I wasn't putting in enough hours

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the s**... of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

If the second's hand is the fastest hand on a clock...

...why isn't it first?

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."
The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Yesterday, I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming.

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that's just the second hand.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's pretty time consuming.
Cr

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.

So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

I ate a clock earlier

It was really time consuming.

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said:

"I can't believe how intoxicated you are"
Denying it I said,
"I'm not drunk"
"Yes you are", she says
"No I'm NOT", I reply
" Can you tell the time?"
So I walked up the clock and said,
"I'm not drunk"

A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.

The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."
Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie."
"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"
God responds. "That's Barack Obama's. The hands move, but very rarely, which means he doesn't lie much in his life."
"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" the man asks.
"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office," God says. "He uses it as a fan."

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

I bought a belt with a clock as a buckle.

When I put it on I couldn't read it.
What a waist of time!!!!

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

Talking clock

A man is showing his apartment to his friend.
The friend sees a large copper pan on the wall.
\- And what is this?
\- Its a talking clock!
\- Really how does it work?
The man hits the pan with all his might.
A voice is heard from behind the wall:


\- IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING g**... IT!

Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

Don't forget tonight, just before midnight, to lift your left foot, and don't put it back down until after the clock strikes midnight...

So you can start 2021 on the right foot!

Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

What's the hardest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming

What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?

Look, no hands!

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's really time consuming

A man dies and arrives at Heaven

As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."
"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing.
"That's Mother Theresa's clock, it's hands have never moved."
"Wow! And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock, it's hands have only moved twice."
The man asks, "Where is Boris Johnson's clock?"
St Peter replies, "We're using it as a ceiling fan"

It's surprising that the top of Big Ben has taken 5 years to complete.

They must have been working around the clock.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?

Time will tell

Clock joke, Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?

jokes about clock