Clock Jokes

Following is our collection of tock puns and disperse one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Clock jokes for adults, dirty gong jokes and clean toc dad gags for kids.

The Best Clock Puns

6:30 is the best time on a clock

hands down

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?

The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on

Wife: thats not a clock

Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."


Hickory Dickory Dock

Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.

What does a clock do when its hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

In my community we have a neighborhood watch,

It's actually more like a clock tower.

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!

After all the extra hours I put into it!


I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"

"Incredible," said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where is Trump's clock?"

"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

What did the hungry clock do?

It went back four seconds.

I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....

I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.

I'm here all day..

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

So I got fired from the clock factory yesterday

Apparently I wasn't putting in enough hours

Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?

"Vee haf vays to make you tock"


The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they'll have the time as well as the inclination.

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that's just the second hand.

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

Why don't you ever buy a woman a watch?

Because there's a clock on the stove.

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.

Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming...

Especially when I went back for seconds

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

What happened to the clock that was still hungry?

It went back 4 seconds.

Yesterday I tried eating a clock

It was time consuming

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him

Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?

St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.

The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.

Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?

St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Hickory Dickory Dock...

Three mice ran up the clock

The clock struck one

But the rest escaped with minor injuries.

(Something my grandfather told me when I was five)

Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny

>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.

Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?

Dude2: You dont want to do that.

Dude1: Why?

Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?

A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.

The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie."

"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"

God responds. "That's Barack Obama's. The hands move, but very rarely, which means he doesn't lie much in his life."

"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" the man asks.

"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office," God says. "He uses it as a fan."

Reminder to all Americans:

Remember to set your clock back by 75 years today.

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

I'm inventing an alarm clock. When it goes off, it shouts, "9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!"

That ought to wake people up.

You know what they say about big hands...

Big clock.

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."

The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's pretty time consuming.


Cr

What is your favorite joke about women?

Q: Why don't women wear watches?

A: Because there is a clock on the stove.

If the second's hand is the fastest hand on a clock...

...why isn't it first?

Justin Bieber....

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

The clock hits 9:11 twice everyday

One for each tower

I bought a belt with a clock as a buckle.

When I put it on I couldn't read it.

What a waist of time!!!!

A teenage boy is like an alarm clock

Comes in handy once a day

The clock was bored of his tick-tock...

...so he changed to a better tack-tick.

What did the young digital clock say to its Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

I ate a clock earlier

It was really time consuming.

A man walks up to a German clock maker

The man tells him, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!"

The German clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yells "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU TOK!"

What's the only thing that can ruin your perfect relationship with your crush?

The alarm clock

For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She's in for a rude awakening.

My friend told me a joke about a clock last week and today I finally got it...

It's about time.

Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself,

that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.

Talking clock

A man is showing his apartment to his friend.

The friend sees a large copper pan on the wall.

\- And what is this?

\- Its a talking clock!

\- Really how does it work?

The man hits the pan with all his might.

A voice is heard from behind the wall:





\- IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING GOD DAMN IT!

Yesterday, I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming.

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said:

"I can't believe how intoxicated you are"
Denying it I said,
"I'm not drunk"
"Yes you are", she says
"No I'm NOT", I reply
" Can you tell the time?"
So I walked up the clock and said,
"I'm not drunk"

I had to change the battery in my clock.

It was about time.

At the age of 25, I FINALLY learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock.

It's about time.

So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

My clock has gone back four seconds.

It must've been really hungry.

One day a wife complained..

"This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

an employee asked me if they could clock out

i replied "you can clock out anytime you like, but you can never leave!"

One guy says to his friend "Hey ask me about my funny clock joke"

The other guy doesn't ask. He waits around a week then finally says "Hey, tell me that clock joke you mentioned a week ago."

The first guy exclaimed:
"Finally! It's about time!"

Why do clocks get Covid?

Their hands are on their faces.

What's the difference between a clock face and a females face

On a clock face it takes 6 hours to go from 9 to 3, on a females face it takes 1 wet wipe for them to from a 9 to a 3

Why did the mobster shoot the clock?

So it wouldn't tock.

A man comes home from the bar drunk...

When he gets home, his wife is furious that he is drunk but the man protests that he is not drunk. The wife, after arguing for a good 5 minutes, says to her husband, "fine, tell the time", the man turns to the clock and says to the clock, "I'm not drunk"

A guy arrives home late from the pub....

His wife is waiting for him when he gets home and she starts giving out to him and shouting at him him for being drunk. He mumbles 'I'm not drunk I swear, I only had 2 or 3 pints'.

'You are drunk', she says, 'you can barely stand up'. He stands up straight and again says 'I'm not drunk'. 'Can you tell the time?' she asks. So the man turns around and looks at the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'.

What's the difference between white time and black time (Warning. Dad joke)

The size of their clock.

Woke up at 6 o' clock this morning ...

...with a banging hangover listening to my neighbour mowing his lawn , was going to get up and throttle the sod , but then thought "To Heck with it , he can mow around me."

Why was the clock sent to detention?

It ticked-off the teacher by tock-ing in class.

Turning back the clock an hour in 2020

Is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.

She's in for a rude awakening.

I love using my wall clock as a frisbee...

Time really flies by.

Hickory, Dickory, Dock ...

Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the rest escaped with minor injuries

How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.

Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

Have you heard the news story about the kid that was arrested when they thought the clock he brought to school was a bomb?

It's blowing up

Why don't women wear watches?

Because there's a perfectly good clock on the stove

There is an abundance of wristwatches jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 86 funniest jokes and clock puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any watchmaker witze you can hear about clock.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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