Clock Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

6:30 is the best time on a clock

hands down

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?

The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on

Wife: thats not a clock

Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

Hickory Dickory Dock

Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.

What does a clock do when its hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

In my community we have a neighborhood watch,

It's actually more like a clock tower.

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!

After all the extra hours I put into it!

I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

What did the hungry clock do?

It went back four seconds.

I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....

I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.

I'm here all day..

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

So I got fired from the clock factory yesterday

Apparently I wasn't putting in enough hours

Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?

"Vee haf vays to make you tock"

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they'll have the time as well as the inclination.

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that's just the second hand.

What does a hungry clock do?

He goes back four seconds.

Why don't you ever buy a woman a watch?

Because there's a clock on the stove.

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.

Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

What happened to the clock that was still hungry?

It went back 4 seconds.

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him

Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?

St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.

The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.

Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?

St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Hickory Dickory Dock...

Three mice ran up the clock

The clock struck one

But the rest escaped with minor injuries.

(Something my grandfather told me when I was five)

Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny

>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.

Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?

Dude2: You dont want to do that.

Dude1: Why?

Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?

A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.

The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie."

"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"

God responds. "That's Barack Obama's. The hands move, but very rarely, which means he doesn't lie much in his life."

"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" the man asks.

"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office," God says. "He uses it as a fan."

Why do you never buy a woman a watch?

Because there's a clock on the stove.

Reminder to all Americans:

Remember to set your clock back by 75 years today.

Bill Clinton died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Bill, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary's clock?" Bill asked.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

One morning, Harry wakes up..

...and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts Β£333 on it to win.
It comes in third.

A man dies and goes to heaven..

A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and sees a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," St. Peter answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie."

"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"

St. Peter responds. "That's Abraham Lincoln's. The hands moved twice telling us he told two lies in his entire life."

"Where is Mitt Romney's clock?" the man asks.

"Romney's clock is in Jesus' office," St Peter says. "He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

I'm inventing an alarm clock. When it goes off, it shouts, "9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!"

That ought to wake people up.

You know what they say about big hands...

Big clock.

A man died and went to heaven..

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,

"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Obama's clock?"

"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man goes to heaven, but the first thing he noticed was a wall covered in clocks.

He asks an angel "What are those clocks for?"

"Each clocks shows represents each human on Earth. Every time they lie, the clock goes a head by one minute. For example, this is the Pope's clock, it has never moved, meaning never in his life has he lied."

The angel goes on. "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. It's only moved twice, meaning Lincoln only lied twice!"

The man asks "Is there clocks for other politicians?"

The angel says "Clocks of other politicians? We use those as ceiling fans for the offices."

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

The Wall of Lie-Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indication that she never told a lie."
"Incredible" said the man.
"And that's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe told two lies his entire life."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A guy arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter welcomes him and gives him a tour of the main building. One of the room is filled with clocks.
St. Peter explains: "These clocks keep track of every lie someone deceased or still alive has ever made. For example, this is Mother Teresa's clock. The time is exactly midnight 0 minutes 3 seconds, which means she has lied three times in her life. Bill Cosby's clock just went forward a second, which means he just lied."
After some looking around, the guy says: "with all that's coming out recently, I was curious as to see how many lies Bill O'Reilly has said, but I can't seem to find his clock. Do you know where it is?"
To which St. Peter replies: "Oh, Jesus brought that one to his office. He uses it as a fan."

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was being given a handjob."

The man on the right says "Yeah. Me, too."

The man in the center says "Hmm, that's weird. I dreamed I was skiing."

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Donald Trump's clock?"

"His clock is in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."

The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

A Man visits Heaven and notices a wall of clocks...

The man asks God, "What are all those clocks for?"

"They represent each time someone lies. When they do, the clock moves one tick."

The man walks around, observing the clocks. "Who right here has zero ticks?" he questions.

"That would be Jesus' clock." replies God.

"What about Abraham Lincoln's clock?"

"Honest Abe has two ticks on his."

Curious about the clocks, the man decides to ask, "Where is the President's clock?"

God looks up at the man and tells him, "Oh, that clock's not here. It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's pretty time consuming.


Cr

A man goes into heaven...

...he sees a lot of clock's and asks what they're for.

Jesus says, "These are lying clocks. If a person tells a lie the minute hand moves."

Jesus points to one clock and says, "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock, the hands have only moved a bit."

Jesus points to another clock and says, "This is my Mother's clock, it has never moved since she has never told a lie."

Suddenly the man asks where George Bush has his clock.

Jesus says, "It used to be in my office for a fan."

The man asks why it's not his fan anymore.

Jesus answers, "We're using Obama's for a generator to get the Air Conditioning going."

What is your favorite joke about women?

Q: Why don't women wear watches?

A: Because there is a clock on the stove.

If the second's hand is the fastest hand on a clock...

...why isn't it first?

7

I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o'clock. I thought this was strange but didn't think too much into it, that was until I hailed a taxi and, of course it was number seven as well. I got to thinking, how can I use this to my advantage? So I went to the local horse track, and in the seventh race of the day, there was a horse named Lucky Number Seven, so I placed my bet and wouldn't you know it,

He came in seventh.

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two hours. So he fixed himself a nice breakfast and drove happily to work, in plenty of time for the start of the work day.

When he got there, he said, "Boss, that pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

His boss said, "That's great, but where were you yesterday?"

Everyone has a Lie-Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked: 'What are those clocks?'
St. Peter answered: 'Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'Whose clock is this?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.
'that's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?'
'her Clock in in Jesus office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.

She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 18:30.

She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one, however. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"

"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."

Who's clock does this belong to?

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.
He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"
Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."
The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?"
Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie."
then the man asks "Where is Hillary Clintons clock?"
The Angel replies "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan."

Justin Bieber....

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

The clock hits 9:11 twice everyday

One for each tower

Can you give me a push?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.

What does a clock do when it is hungry?

Go back four seconds.

What's with all the clocks?

A man who recently died had a meeting with God. He was waiting outside, looking at a large wall of clocks outside his office. God stepped out to invite him inside.

**M:** Hey, what's with all these clocks?

**G:** Ah, this is the wall shows every lie everyone has ever told. The lies are represented by clocks. Every time someone tells a lie, the clock moves 1 minute.

**M:** Wow there's a lot of people up here. Look, George Washington's clock never moved! Mine is at 2:27.... Hmm. Hey, where's Donald Trump's clock?

**G:** Oh, I keep that in my office and use it as a fan!

A teenage boy is like an alarm clock

Comes in handy once a day

What did the young digital clock say to its Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

The clock was bored of his tick-tock...

...so he changed to a better tack-tick.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consumingο»Ώ

I ate a clock earlier

It was really time consuming.

A man walks up to a German clock maker

The man tells him, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!"

The German clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yells "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU TOK!"

My friend told me a joke about a clock last week and today I finally got it...

It's about time.

Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself,

that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.

Yesterday, I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming.

Everybody does it

A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. "Why all the clocks?" St. Peter answered "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh" said the man, "Whose clock is that?"........ "That was Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved. She had never told a lie." "Where's President Trump's clock?" asked the man. "Oh." said Peter. "It's in Jesus' office"......."He's using it as a ceiling fan."

I had to change the battery in my clock.

It was about time.

A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates.

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.

"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.

"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a clock set at 12:02. "Here are those of our saints," Saint Peter points to another bunch of clocks, some at 12:05, 12:03, times which are barely away from 12 o'clock.

"Hmm...where are the politicians' clocks?" the man asks Saint Peter again.

"Oh they're in our offices. We use them as electric fans."

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said:

"I can't believe how intoxicated you are"
Denying it I said,
"I'm not drunk"
"Yes you are", she says
"No I'm NOT", I reply
" Can you tell the time?"
So I walked up the clock and said,
"I'm not drunk"

A man and his wife had a fight...

They decided to give each other silence for a while. The man's alarm clock had broken down a couple of days ago, so when he had to get up at 5:00 AM to catch his flight for a business trip, he wrote on a piece of paper: "Can you please wake me up at 5:00?", and laid it on his wife's beddrawer before he went to sleep.

The next morning he woke up, and he was shocked to see it had already been 9:00 AM, and therefore he had missed his flight. He was just about to go ask his wife why she hadn't woken him up, when he found a piece of paper on his beddrawer with the text: "It's 5:00 AM, wake up".

Cinderella realllyyy wants to go to the ball....

And begs Fairy Godmother to help.

"Alright," Fairy Godmother says, "but only on two conditions. First, that you wear a diaphragm. Secondly, that you're home by midnight. Oh, and if you're not home by midnight, your diaphragm is turning into a pumpkin.'

Cinderella agrees and Fairy Godmother sends her off to the ball.

Fairy Godmother is watching the clock when midnight comes and goes. Around two, three in the morning Cinderella finally stumbles in looking all lovestruck.

"Where have you been?!" Fairy godmother demands. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin hours ago!"

"Oh I met a prince and he took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with this power. I demand to know his name!"

"I can't remember exactly... It was Peter, Peter, something or other..."

At the age of 25, I FINALLY learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock.

It's about time.

So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

My clock has gone back four seconds.

It must've been really hungry.

One day a wife complained..

"This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

One guy says to his friend "Hey ask me about my funny clock joke"

The other guy doesn't ask. He waits around a week then finally says "Hey, tell me that clock joke you mentioned a week ago."

The first guy exclaimed:
"Finally! It's about time!"

What are the funniest clock jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Clock? Well, here are the best Clock puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Clock pick up lines to share with friends.

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