The Best 91 Clock Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Clock jokes. There are some clock disperse jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these clock toc puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Clock Jokes and Puns

6:30 is the best time on a clock

hands down

I'm inventing an alarm clock. When it goes off, it shouts, "9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!"

That ought to wake people up.

What happened to the clock that was still hungry?

It went back 4 seconds.

Clock joke, What happened to the clock that was still hungry?

What did the young digital clock say to its Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."


What is your favorite joke about women?

Q: Why don't women wear watches?

A: Because there is a clock on the stove.

What's the difference between white time and black time (Warning. Dad joke)

The size of their clock.

Clock joke, What's the difference between white time and black time (Warning. Dad joke)

British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.

Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

Hickory Dickory Dock

Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

I had to change the battery in my clock.

It was about time.

You can explore clock tock reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean clock gong dad jokes. There are also clock puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny

>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.

Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?

Dude2: You dont want to do that.

Dude1: Why?

Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?

One day a wife complained..

"This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

A guy arrives home late from the pub....

His wife is waiting for him when he gets home and she starts giving out to him and shouting at him him for being drunk. He mumbles 'I'm not drunk I swear, I only had 2 or 3 pints'.

'You are drunk', she says, 'you can barely stand up'. He stands up straight and again says 'I'm not drunk'. 'Can you tell the time?' she asks. So the man turns around and looks at the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'.

I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....

I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.

I'm here all day..

I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

Clock joke, I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

The clock was bored of his tick-tock...

...so he changed to a better tack-tick.


I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

Hickory Dickory Dock...

Three mice ran up the clock

The clock struck one

But the rest escaped with minor injuries.

(Something my grandfather told me when I was five)

You know what they say about big hands...

Big clock.

Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself,

that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.

My friend told me a joke about a clock last week and today I finally got it...

It's about time.

One guy says to his friend "Hey ask me about my funny clock joke"

The other guy doesn't ask. He waits around a week then finally says "Hey, tell me that clock joke you mentioned a week ago."

The first guy exclaimed:
"Finally! It's about time!"

Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

Justin Bieber....

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

A man comes home from the bar drunk...

When he gets home, his wife is furious that he is drunk but the man protests that he is not drunk. The wife, after arguing for a good 5 minutes, says to her husband, "fine, tell the time", the man turns to the clock and says to the clock, "I'm not drunk"

Reminder to all Americans:

Remember to set your clock back by 75 years today.

What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?

"Vee haf vays to make you tock"

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him

Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

A man walks up to a German clock maker

The man tells him, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!"

The German clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yells "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU TOK!"

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

The clock hits 9:11 twice everyday

One for each tower

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

Why don't you ever buy a woman a watch?

Because there's a clock on the stove.

In my community we have a neighborhood watch,

It's actually more like a clock tower.

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!

After all the extra hours I put into it!

What does a clock do when its hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

Why did the mobster shoot the clock?

So it wouldn't tock.

an employee asked me if they could clock out

i replied "you can clock out anytime you like, but you can never leave!"

A teenage boy is like an alarm clock

Comes in handy once a day

What did the hungry clock do?

It went back four seconds.

So I got fired from the clock factory yesterday

Apparently I wasn't putting in enough hours

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?

The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on

Wife: thats not a clock

Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

If the second's hand is the fastest hand on a clock...

...why isn't it first?

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."

The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?

St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.

The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.

Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?

St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

My clock has gone back four seconds.

It must've been really hungry.

Yesterday, I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming.

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that's just the second hand.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's pretty time consuming.

Cr

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.

So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

I ate a clock earlier

It was really time consuming.

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said:

"I can't believe how intoxicated you are"
Denying it I said,
"I'm not drunk"
"Yes you are", she says
"No I'm NOT", I reply
" Can you tell the time?"
So I walked up the clock and said,
"I'm not drunk"

A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.

The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie."

"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"

God responds. "That's Barack Obama's. The hands move, but very rarely, which means he doesn't lie much in his life."

"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" the man asks.

"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office," God says. "He uses it as a fan."

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they'll have the time as well as the inclination.

At the age of 25, I FINALLY learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock.

It's about time.

Yesterday I tried eating a clock

It was time consuming

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She's in for a rude awakening.

What's the difference between a clock face and a females face

On a clock face it takes 6 hours to go from 9 to 3, on a females face it takes 1 wet wipe for them to from a 9 to a 3

I bought a belt with a clock as a buckle.

When I put it on I couldn't read it.

What a waist of time!!!!

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

What's the only thing that can ruin your perfect relationship with your crush?

The alarm clock

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"

"Incredible," said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where is Trump's clock?"

"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

Why do clocks get Covid?

Their hands are on their faces.

Talking clock

A man is showing his apartment to his friend.

The friend sees a large copper pan on the wall.

\- And what is this?

\- Its a talking clock!

\- Really how does it work?

The man hits the pan with all his might.

A voice is heard from behind the wall:





\- IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING GOD DAMN IT!

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming...

Especially when I went back for seconds

Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping.

She's in for a rude awakening.

Don't forget tonight, just before midnight, to lift your left foot, and don't put it back down until after the clock strikes midnight...

So you can start 2021 on the right foot!

I was at the toilet at 11:59 p.m. yesterday, and the clock struck midnight.

I thought, Same shit. Different year.

Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

What's the hardest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming

I need a battery

I walked into Battery World and asked for a specific battery.

The guy said Is it for a clock?

I said I don't know, that's why I need a battery!!

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

Car for Sale

Paddy wanted to sell his car but was concerned he wouldn't get much for it due to the high mileage, he spoke to his friend Mickey who suggested winding the clock back, reducing the mileage, in the hope he could ask for more money.
A few days later Paddy was talking to Mickey again, 'How'd you get on sellin the car Paddy?' He asked his friend.
'I didn't sell it in the end' he said. 'Why not?' asked Mickey. 'Well I wound it back like you said, and when I'd finished sure there was only 12,000 miles on the clock, so I decided to keep it'

My dad said he ate a clock...

So I asked him how it was.

To which he replied...

"It was time consuming."

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He's in for a rude awakening.

What do you get when you pour Red Bull onto a clock?

A waste of time and energy.

My American Clock

A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

What is that for? he asks.

His host says That is my talking American clock.

Really?...How does it work?

I will show you.

The host takes the metal pot, places it next to the wall and bangs on it with the hammer till the next door neighbor yells: It's three o'clock in the morning you idiot!

They have clocks on airplanes now

How time flies...

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the clock wristwatches jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working clock watchmaker piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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