Clinton Jokes

What are some Clinton jokes?

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election

She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest


Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes


Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic

Until Bush did 9:11

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.

Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.

If Hillary Clinton won she would've been the first F president.

I didn't say female because someone deleted the emale.

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

Why does Hillary Clinton have two Ls in her first name?

1 for 2008, 1 for 2016

I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president

Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym?

An acronym stands for something

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

Do you know why Bill Clinton played the saxophone?

Because he lost his whoremonica

Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president.

I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton

any second now

This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton...

She isn't getting paid for it

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

It is so quiet in the Clinton HQ right now.

So quiet you can hear an email being deleted

If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant?

Can I have a different server?

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"

The bartender points to two taps.

They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"

The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"

Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.

"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border

Since no one can get over her...

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Former president Clinton

Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,

"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"

The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"

"No, it was mustard this time."

Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...

Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax

Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave

However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave

How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.

I told a man I was voting third party

He said, "That's wasting your vote! Come on, gun to your head, who would you pick, Clinton or Trump"

"Simple," I replied, "I'd pick the bullet."

Why do people like Hillary Clinton?

When she can't even stand herself?

The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?

Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.

There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

What do the Hindenberg, the Titanic and Hillary Clinton have in common?

Going down on any of them would be horrifying.

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Most people get AIDS from sex

Bill Clinton got sex from aides

I was warned in November 2016...

People warned me, that if I voted for Hillary Clinton it would be the end of civility and truthfulness in the US as we know it, the deficit would skyrocket, and there would be never ending investigations of the president.

Well, I voted for Hillary and that was what happened!

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton?

One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated

Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president...

He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.

Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death."

Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."

"All of mine sucked"

Monica said she wasn't voting for Hilary...

because the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth

Monica Lewinsky is going to vote for Bernie

The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Hillary Clinton walks into a bar...

Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.

The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"

Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."

The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."

A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day...

It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.

If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...

And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him

Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

The Pope and Hillary Clinton

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."

His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.

Hilary Clinton will make the best president

She will save us 25% in salary right from the start.

TBT - What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?

One turns in screws, one screws interns.

If Donald Trump had really wanted Hillary Clinton locked up, he should have just…

…given her a job on his campaign team…

If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are together on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it sinks, who survives?

America.

Hillary Clinton is in the hospital...

She is being treated for third degree Berns.

What does Hillary Clinton use to drown the noise of Black Lives Matter protesters?

White noise

A riddle for the day

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

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The answer is: "A Last Name."

Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!

Who was the most racist president?

Bill Clinton. He hid from the black guy in between the Bushes.

Bill Clinton died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Bill, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary's clock?" Bill asked.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?

Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Bill Clinton is on Air Force One when the Flight Attendant approaches with the lunch menu...

Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink. He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a quickie right about now."

The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the terror of being about to learn just how far she'd go to keep her job. Al Gore is sitting right across from Bill reading his own menu, and immediately recognizes what's going on. He glances at Bill and leans over to attendant, and says

"I'm sorry, I believe the President would like to order a *quiche*".

Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.

Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

She thought about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question. After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because...

According to Bill, she doesn't suck.

Hillary Clinton and her chauffeur are driving on a country road. Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car.

The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death.

The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Hillary says to her chauffeur, "You should at least tell them that you've killed the pig"

The chauffeur does as he's told.

A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss-marks and a bottle of champagne in each hand.

As he stumbles to the passenger side window, Hillary exclaims, "Jesus, what did you tell them?"

"Exactly what you told me boss: Hi I'm Hillary Clinton's chauffeur and I've just killed the pig."

A scientist invents a lie detector

The machine is able to analyse speech patterns and detect lies, beeping whenever it detects a lie. To demonstrate it,he plays it a video of bill clinton, 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman', * beep*.

He takes it to the presidential debates, Hillary says " I am probably the best qualified woman for the job." *beep".
Trump seizes the moment and says " See, she's lying! Crooked Hillary, just like I said." Everyone waits, but there's no beep. Anderson Cooper turns to Trump and says, "Mr. Trump, your response",

Trump says " I think..." *beep*

Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager?

She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.

Oh, Bill...

A reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?"

He answers, "Well, she's no Monica!"

Monica Lewinsky said it 20 years ago and she said it again this year

Hillary Clinton wasn't the right person for the job.

How did Hillary Clinton beat Bernie? The same way Monica beat Bill...

under the table

So one day, Hillary Clinton was going to an elementary school to talk aboit her job.

She gives a speech and then asks for questions. Little Timmy raised his hand and Hillary called on him.
"I have three questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas?"
Hillary was just about to answer his question when the recess bell rang and all of the kids went outside. When they all came back in, Hillary continued with questions. Now, she pointed to little Johnny.
"Okay, I have five questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas? 4) Why did the recess bell ring twenty minutes early? 5) Where is Little Timmy?"

Why Didn't Monica Lewinsky Vote For Hilary Clinton?

Because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Last year Hillary got a concussion. Obama recently bumped into Clinton and asked "Bill, how is Hillary's head?"

"Not as good as Monica"

How to make Clinton jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Clinton to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Clinton? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Clinton pick up lines to share with friends.

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