Following is our collection of nixon puns and hillary one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Clinton jokes for adults, dirty kaine jokes and clean nomination dad gags for kids.
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
I did and we do.
She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
Not a political post, I just love to travel
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.
I didn't say female because someone deleted the emale.
....Like the words President Bush.
Because orange is the new black.
But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
1 for 2008, 1 for 2016
Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted
An acronym stands for something
She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".
Because he lost his whoremonica
I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email
any second now
She isn't getting paid for it
Society
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."
So quiet you can hear an email being deleted
If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.
This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.
Can I have a different server?
They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"
The bartender points to two taps.
They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"
The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"
Since no one can get over her...
Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,
"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"
The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"
"No, it was mustard this time."
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.
He said, "That's wasting your vote! Come on, gun to your head, who would you pick, Clinton or Trump"
"Simple," I replied, "I'd pick the bullet."
When she can't even stand herself?
Trump made a time of 11:56
Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31
Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03
But Bush did 9:11
Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.
Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
Going down on any of them would be horrifying.
The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"
Bill Clinton got sex from aides
People warned me, that if I voted for Hillary Clinton it would be the end of civility and truthfulness in the US as we know it, the deficit would skyrocket, and there would be never ending investigations of the president.
Well, I voted for Hillary and that was what happened!
She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.
One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated
He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.
Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
"All of mine sucked"
because the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth
The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.
It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.
Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.
The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"
Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."
The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."
And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.
She will save us 25% in salary right from the start.
…given her a job on his campaign team…
One turns in screws, one screws interns.
White noise
America.
She is being treated for third degree Berns.
A riddle for the day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )
----------------------------------------------------------
The answer is: "A Last Name."
Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!
Bill Clinton. He hid from the black guy in between the Bushes.
Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
According to Bill, she doesn't suck.
She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.
A reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?"
He answers, "Well, she's no Monica!"
Hillary Clinton wasn't the right person for the job.
under the table
I don't know if any of you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you might've noticed Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.
Reagan, who never missed the opportunity for a good one-liner, raised his head out of the casket and said I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together
Because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
"Not as good as Monica"
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Screw the women!"
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"
I was just wondering if anyone here has heard from him?
Ford says: What do we do?
Bush says: Man the lifeboats!
Reagan says: What lifeboats?
Carter says: Women and children first!
Nixon says: Screw the women!
Clinton says: You think we have time?
I would've said female, but she deleted the email.
There is an abundance of clinton acronyms jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 79 funniest jokes and clinton puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any hillary clinton witze you can hear about clinton.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.