The Best 85 Clinton Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Clinton jokes. There are some clinton hillary jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these clinton nomination puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Clinton Jokes and Puns
Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
A riddle for the day
A riddle for the day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )
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The answer is: "A Last Name."
Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!
Oh, Bill...
A reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?"
He answers, "Well, she's no Monica!"
Clinton on the Titanic
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Screw the women!"
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"
George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.
The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"
Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn
He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"
Hilary Clinton will make the best president
She will save us 25% in salary right from the start.
Last year Hillary got a concussion. Obama recently bumped into Clinton and asked "Bill, how is Hillary's head?"
"Not as good as Monica"
Who was the most racist president?
Bill Clinton. He hid from the black guy in between the Bushes.
TBT - What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?
One turns in screws, one screws interns.
The Pope and Hillary Clinton
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.
You can explore clinton nixon reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean clinton kaine dad jokes. There are also clinton puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Hillary Clinton sucks!
No she doesn't, because if she did Bill wouldn't have Monica.
Monica Lewinsky is going to vote for Bernie
The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.
What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton?
One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated
Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."
Hillary Clinton is in the hospital...
She is being treated for third degree Berns.
Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...
...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?
Society
If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...
And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because...
According to Bill, she doesn't suck.
Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election
She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are together on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it sinks, who survives?
America.
What does Hillary Clinton use to drown the noise of Black Lives Matter protesters?
White noise
Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president...
He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.
Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......
She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym?
An acronym stands for something
Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election
She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.
Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president.
I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email
If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country
Not a political post, I just love to travel
Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.
Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.
What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant?
Can I have a different server?
Monica said she wasn't voting for Hilary...
because the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth
There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton
Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?
Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager?
She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.
Hillary Clinton walks into a bar...
Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.
The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"
Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."
The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."
If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....
....Like the words President Bush.
How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.
What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?
Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.
Why do people like Hillary Clinton?
When she can't even stand herself?
My friend Dave told me this joke about Hillary Clinton yesterday...
I was just wondering if anyone here has heard from him?
I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president
Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted
Do you know why Bill Clinton played the saxophone?
Because he lost his whoremonica
I told a man I was voting third party
He said, "That's wasting your vote! Come on, gun to your head, who would you pick, Clinton or Trump"
"Simple," I replied, "I'd pick the bullet."
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar.
They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"
The bartender points to two taps.
They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"
The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."
A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day...
It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.
Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."
"All of mine sucked"
If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.
If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.
This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.
Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death."
Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton
Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
It is so quiet in the Clinton HQ right now.
So quiet you can hear an email being deleted
Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman
But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.
Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton
any second now
This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton...
She isn't getting paid for it
Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.
He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
Why does Hillary Clinton have two Ls in her first name?
1 for 2008, 1 for 2016
Monica Lewinsky said it 20 years ago and she said it again this year
Hillary Clinton wasn't the right person for the job.
What do the Hindenberg, the Titanic and Hillary Clinton have in common?
Going down on any of them would be horrifying.
When I went to Heavan...
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
Hillary Clinton would've been the first F president
I would've said female, but she deleted the email.
Former president Clinton
Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,
"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"
The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"
"No, it was mustard this time."
Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.
I did and we do.
How did Hillary Clinton beat Bernie? The same way Monica beat Bill...
under the table
Most people get AIDS from sex
Bill Clinton got sex from aides
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border
Since no one can get over her...
Why Didn't Monica Lewinsky Vote For Hilary Clinton?
Because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.
Trump made a time of 11:56
Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31
Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03
But Bush did 9:11
If Hillary Clinton won she would've been the first F president.
I didn't say female because someone deleted the emale.
I was warned in November 2016...
People warned me, that if I voted for Hillary Clinton it would be the end of civility and truthfulness in the US as we know it, the deficit would skyrocket, and there would be never ending investigations of the president.
Well, I voted for Hillary and that was what happened!
If Donald Trump had really wanted Hillary Clinton locked up, he should have just…
…given her a job on his campaign team…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
American presidents are on a sinking ship!
Ford says: What do we do?
Bush says: Man the lifeboats!
Reagan says: What lifeboats?
Carter says: Women and children first!
Nixon says: Screw the women!
Clinton says: You think we have time?
Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump are all on a sinking ship. Who gets saved?
America.
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.
The Clintons at President Reagan's funeral
I don't know if any of you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you might've noticed Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.
Reagan, who never missed the opportunity for a good one-liner, raised his head out of the casket and said I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together
It is important to remember that Bill Clinton
Spent his entire presidency between two Bushes.
Bill Clinton brings a dress to the dry cleaning
He asks "Anything you need to know?", but since it's loud from all the machines running, the worker doesn't understand him and asks "Come again?"
"No", said Clinton, "Tomato juice this time"
Clinton and Pence
You know both sides of the aisle are more alike then you think. Both Clinton and Pence had issues with their flies...
Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?
Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the clinton clinton acronyms jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working clinton hillary clinton piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.