They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
I did and we do.
She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
Not a political post, I just love to travel
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.
I didn't say female because someone deleted the emale.
....Like the words President Bush.
Because orange is the new black.
But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
1 for 2008, 1 for 2016
Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted
An acronym stands for something
She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".
Because he lost his whoremonica
I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email
any second now
She isn't getting paid for it
Society
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."
So quiet you can hear an email being deleted
If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.
This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.
Can I have a different server?
They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"
The bartender points to two taps.
They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"
The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"
Since no one can get over her...
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,
"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"
The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"
"No, it was mustard this time."
...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.
He said, "That's wasting your vote! Come on, gun to your head, who would you pick, Clinton or Trump"
"Simple," I replied, "I'd pick the bullet."
When she can't even stand herself?
Trump made a time of 11:56
Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31
Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03
But Bush did 9:11
Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.
Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
Going down on any of them would be horrifying.
The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"
Bill Clinton got sex from aides
People warned me, that if I voted for Hillary Clinton it would be the end of civility and truthfulness in the US as we know it, the deficit would skyrocket, and there would be never ending investigations of the president.
Well, I voted for Hillary and that was what happened!
She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.
One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated
He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.
Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
"All of mine sucked"
because the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth
The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.
Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.
The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"
Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."
The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."
It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.
And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.
She will save us 25% in salary right from the start.
One turns in screws, one screws interns.
…given her a job on his campaign team…
America.
She is being treated for third degree Berns.
White noise
A riddle for the day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )
----------------------------------------------------------
The answer is: "A Last Name."
Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!
Bill Clinton. He hid from the black guy in between the Bushes.
As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Bill, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Hillary's clock?" Bill asked.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink. He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a quickie right about now."
The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the terror of being about to learn just how far she'd go to keep her job. Al Gore is sitting right across from Bill reading his own menu, and immediately recognizes what's going on. He glances at Bill and leans over to attendant, and says
"I'm sorry, I believe the President would like to order a *quiche*".
Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.
Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
She thought about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question. After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"
According to Bill, she doesn't suck.
The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death.
The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Hillary says to her chauffeur, "You should at least tell them that you've killed the pig"
The chauffeur does as he's told.
A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss-marks and a bottle of champagne in each hand.
As he stumbles to the passenger side window, Hillary exclaims, "Jesus, what did you tell them?"
"Exactly what you told me boss: Hi I'm Hillary Clinton's chauffeur and I've just killed the pig."
The machine is able to analyse speech patterns and detect lies, beeping whenever it detects a lie. To demonstrate it,he plays it a video of bill clinton, 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman', * beep*.
He takes it to the presidential debates, Hillary says " I am probably the best qualified woman for the job." *beep".
Trump seizes the moment and says " See, she's lying! Crooked Hillary, just like I said." Everyone waits, but there's no beep. Anderson Cooper turns to Trump and says, "Mr. Trump, your response",
Trump says " I think..." *beep*
She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.
A reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?"
He answers, "Well, she's no Monica!"
Hillary Clinton wasn't the right person for the job.
under the table
She gives a speech and then asks for questions. Little Timmy raised his hand and Hillary called on him.
"I have three questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas?"
Hillary was just about to answer his question when the recess bell rang and all of the kids went outside. When they all came back in, Hillary continued with questions. Now, she pointed to little Johnny.
"Okay, I have five questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas? 4) Why did the recess bell ring twenty minutes early? 5) Where is Little Timmy?"
Because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
"Not as good as Monica"
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