Clinic Jokes

Following is our collection of mental puns and doctor one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Clinic jokes for adults, dirty clinically jokes and clean appointment dad gags for kids.

The Best Clinic Puns

I accidentally locked my keys in my car in front of an abortion clinic...

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger

What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.


I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic?

When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.

My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic...

He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic.

Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.

Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones

* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us

Anyone have more?


I'm going to start an abortion clinic...

...called "Don't Kid Yourself."

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, Did you get our email? I said No .

They said, Maybe you should check your junk.

Did you hear about the guy who's surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

News from the sexual health clinic

A friend of mine received news from the sexual health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V

A girl walks into a "no questions asked" abortion clinic.

The nurse says, "How can I help you?"

Girl says, "LYING BASTARDS!" and leaves.


What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman's doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?

The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, tell me, does she still have the hiccups?

The Bad News...

A man goes to the clinic for an examination. After a thorough check up, the doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news." Curious, the man asks what the good news is, and the doctor replies, "the good news is: we're naming a new disease after you..."

Best way to answer a call: Mario's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic: Your Loss is Our Sauce

self.Jokes

[NSFW] What's the worst thing about...?

....getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.

*Yet another Australian pub joke*

Tried going to the obesity clinic before work today.

But the queue was enormous.

Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers

throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

A husband and wife are trying to have a baby

After many attempts and what seems like an endless number of trips to the doctor and fertility clinic they meet with the doctor who tells them, "I do not think you will be able to have children."

The wife is overcome with emotion and her husband consoles her saying, "Inconceivable."

The doctor replies,"I don't think that word means what you think it means."

My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive...

which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic

The clinic asked me why I had written an incorrect blood type on my form

I told them it was Typo

A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."

The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"

The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"

Did you hear about the communist couple that went to a fertility clinic?

They wanted to seize the means of reproduction.

I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."

Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 penises."

Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"

I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."

What do you call a black abortion clinic?

Crime stoppers

Growing up my mom was always like, "Why can't you be more like the kids next door!"

And I always responded, "But we live next to an abortion clinic?!"

If I locked my keys in my car outside of a abortion clinic...

Would it be awkward to go inside and ask for a wire hanger?

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

My friend and I went to a guitar clinic recently. He really seemed to be into it.

I guess it struck a chord with him.

A sign at the fertility clinic.

Please wait to be seeded.

Did you know you have to be in the top 1% of wealth to get admitted to the clinic for obese Parkinson's sufferers?

Only the biggest movers and shakers get in.

Darth Vader takes a trip to the clinic after having unprotected sex. What did his test results come back positive for?

Sithilis

It just doesn't make sense

You know how people donate a pint of blood and are hailed as a hero. I go into the clinic and donate 8 pints of blood already packaged. And then they gotta go call the police. Guess I have to find another way to get rid of my mother in law.

How is a vampire similar to an abortion clinic?

They both suck the life out of you

A man walks in to a medical clinic and asks to see a doctor. The receptionist makes him an appointment. How about 10 tomorrow?

Man: I don't need that many .

Why did the clinic go out of business?

Because the doctors had no patience.

I donated a large amount of money to a rape clinic..

I wouldn't take no as an answer

What do you call a Muslim abortion clinic?

Counter-terrorism

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, Did you get our email? Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, No! What should I do!?" They replied...

You better check your junk.

What did Velma say to Scooby when they went to the haunted methadone clinic?

*Junkies!*

I curled up crying when I got my rejection letter from the abortion clinic.

They said they didn't need anyone in the fetal position.

I want to open a Roman themed STD clinic

I'll call it Veni VD Vici

I had to specify an IT system for the local anorexia clinic.

I recommended a thin client architecture.

Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;

Apparently your cat, FlΓΌffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.

We're sorry for your loss.

Our resident String Theorist will contact you.

He can explain everything.

8{>

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

the most awkward time in my life

Was when I locked my keys in my car and had to walk into the nearby abortion clinic to ask to borrow a coat hanger.

A redneck suffered a nasty fall...

So he visited a physician and sought treatment.

Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained, the doctor said.

The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.

My friend Mike is way better with women than I am. When he asks, You come here often? he gets her number.

But when I ask it, I get kicked out of the abortion clinic.

Meanwhile at the bar

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"


"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the STD clinic."

We'll help you bring out your inner child...

Come to Midtown Abortion Clinic

I used to have a job transporting addicts to the nearby rehab clinic.

But I got fired because too many of my passengers fell off the wagon.

I'm at the ear clinic.

My name might've been called out. I have no idea.

PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it.

Tag line outside a Breast Implant Clinic:

If nature has given you "lemons"

we will re-arrange the alphabets & convert them into "melons" !!

The judge gave me ten years working at the clinic for the blind.

Could have been worse, at least it wasn't the deaf sentence.

Tired of being beaten again and again by a child, Captain Hook decided to leave Neverland. When he reached the real world, he realized there was a job he was built for.

So he opened an abortion clinic.

what do you call it when a circumsision clinic gets new technology

Cutting edge technology

I wasn't sure if I should go to the STI clinic or not.

I didn't want to make a rash decision.

What do you call someone who went into a birth clinic and started shooting at everyone there?

Spawn camper.

Did you hear about the injured condiment?

He had to be rushed to the Mayo Clinic.

A clinic was trialling a new, cheap way to numb a patient for surgery.

The new method involved blunt force trauma to the patient's head.

The strategy was such a success that people would line up around the block to receive the new anaesthetic.

A man asked the doctor what the line was for.

The doctor replied "that's the punchline."

Where do food condiments go when they need to see a doctor?

The Mayo clinic

What did the doctor say when all of his clientele started going to the clinic across the street?

I'm losing my patience.

Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?

He does 18 holes a day.

Water.....I have news for you.

The poor bottle water notice he was red, it felt nauseous, it had diarrhea, and it had a sweet taste in its mouth. He went to the clinic to see what was wrong with him. But the doctor had bad news. He said" I'm sorry water, but you have **Kool** aids."

I'm starting a new abortion clinic and naming it...

Scrambled Eggs.

New kinds of implants.

So a girl went into a plastic surgery clinic to get a breast enlargement, the doctors told her that they ran out of silicon and all they had left was wood. She didn't get it obviously that would be stupid woodentit?

My girlfriend lacks consistency.

She's always telling me she wants me to be more positive. Now that's the very thing she's mad about after one measly trip to the health clinic.

Me, on the phone: I have a complaint. Every time I make a sandwich, it's always too dry.

Guy on the other end: Sir, that's not what we do at the Mayo Clinic.

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

An old woman goes to a clinic

She runs some tests, then somehow the results are mistakenly mixed and she ends up with another woman's test results.
She takes it to the professionals and they confusedly tell her that the results show that she's pregnant.
She gets shocked by the news, freezes for a moment and then says
Sweet lord, you can't even trust a cucumber nowadays

In front of a mental clinic, a patient was pulling a rope.

Doctor: why are you pulling that rope?
Patient: what do you want me to do, push it?!

The Time Travelling Soldier

When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, How long was I in there for? Β 

A Hindu, a Christian, A Sikh, an atheist, and a Buddhist walk into a clinic...

One of them is called to see the doctor, he goes in, and after a while leaves the clinic. After that, everyone else was angry because they had not received service from the doctor. They ask the nurse standing outside why this is so, to which she said: "I'm sorry, we only serve the sikh."

The euthanasia clinic finally found a slogan

Kill them with kindness

I heard the abortion clinic was having a special

50% off on mothers day.

Opening a laser eye clinic. Going to name it CircumVision...

SEE what I did there?

It hurts here

A guy goes to the clinic and finally gets in to see the doctor.
What's the problem today? the doctor asks.
He pushes his finger in his forehead and says It hurts here and pushes against his shoulder It hurts here, Than he pushes against his knee, It hurts here also, What can it be Doc?
Your fingers broken.

My friend works at a circumcision clinic

I asked him if he charges alot for his circumcisions

He said "No, I just keep the tips."

What do they teach at a drum clinic?

The rhythm method!

There is an abundance of memory clinic jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 87 funniest jokes and clinic puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any veterinary clinic witze you can hear about clinic.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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