Clinic Jokes

What are some Clinic jokes?

I accidentally locked my keys in my car in front of an abortion clinic...

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger

What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic?

When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.

My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic...

He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic.

Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.

Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones

* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us

Anyone have more?

I'm going to start an abortion clinic...

...called "Don't Kid Yourself."

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, Did you get our email? I said No .

They said, Maybe you should check your junk.

Did you hear about the guy who's surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

News from the sexual health clinic

A friend of mine received news from the sexual health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V

A girl walks into a "no questions asked" abortion clinic.

The nurse says, "How can I help you?"

Girl says, "LYING BASTARDS!" and leaves.

Just another blonde sex joke...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are sat in their local clinic, waiting to see the midwife, excitedly talking about the babies they are due to have.
"I haven't checked, but I think mine will be a boy." Says the redhead. "I was on top."
"In that case" starts the brunette, "I must be having a girl, because he went on top."
The blonde suddenly starts crying, hysterically, and it takes her new friends a good five minutes to calm her down. Between sobs she mutters "I think I'm having puppies..."

Memory trick

Two very elderly couples bump into each other in the street, Jack says " hi there George, how are you?" George says " Great! we've just been to that new memory clinic, they teach you how to remember things using word association, it's really good" Jack asks " really? what's the name of the clinic?" George thinks for a moment and then says " let me see, eh, what do you call that flower with a thorny stem?"
Jack says "A rose"?
"Ah yes that's it" George turns to his wife...."Rose, what's the name of that clinic"?

An elderly woman visits a walk-in clinic...

...where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was and demanded, What's the matter with you? That woman is 84 years old, and you told her she was pregnant?

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even looking up, asked, Does she still have the hiccups?

The Bad News...

A man goes to the clinic for an examination. After a thorough check up, the doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news." Curious, the man asks what the good news is, and the doctor replies, "the good news is: we're naming a new disease after you..."

Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Best way to answer a call: Mario's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic: Your Loss is Our Sauce

self.Jokes

[NSFW] What's the worst thing about...?

....getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.

*Yet another Australian pub joke*

Tried going to the obesity clinic before work today.

But the queue was enormous.

Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers

throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

A husband and wife are trying to have a baby

After many attempts and what seems like an endless number of trips to the doctor and fertility clinic they meet with the doctor who tells them, "I do not think you will be able to have children."

The wife is overcome with emotion and her husband consoles her saying, "Inconceivable."

The doctor replies,"I don't think that word means what you think it means."

The clinic asked me why I had written an incorrect blood type on my form

I told them it was Typo

A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."

The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"

The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"

My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive...

which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic

Did you hear about the communist couple that went to a fertility clinic?

They wanted to seize the means of reproduction.

Helping The Doctor

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in!
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."

Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 penises."

Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"

I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."

What do you call a black abortion clinic?

Crime stoppers

If I locked my keys in my car outside of a abortion clinic...

Would it be awkward to go inside and ask for a wire hanger?

Growing up my mom was always like, "Why can't you be more like the kids next door!"

And I always responded, "But we live next to an abortion clinic?!"

An old man with bad memory...

(Edit- spelling)

An old man with bad memory is with his friends, and they're talking about their memory issues.

"My wife and I have been going to this great memory clinic," says the man, "they teach us all sorts of mnemonic devices and other ways to help us remember things."

"That's amazing!" says his friend, "what's the name of the place?"

Taking a moment, the man sits, thinking, and then asks, "okay, what's the name of that flower, its beautiful and red and romantic, but has some thorns?"

"Oh! A rose?"

"That's it!! Hey Rose, what's the name of our memory clinic?"

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?
Outstanding , Fred replied. They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me .
That's great! What about the name of the clinic?
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?
You mean a rose?
Yes, that's it!
Then he turned to his wife and asked: Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.

As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."
The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy cause. I will donate a large sum of money toward this clinic of yours."
The engineer says "Couldn't these guys play at night?"

A guy's waiting in the doctors clinic when the Doctor comes in and asks him what's wrong.

Doctor, for the past few weeks now everything except physical I feel like a moth.

The Doctor scoffs You must be joking! You seriously think you're a moth?

Yes the man cries I've been doing moth things, I'm having moth thoughts.. I'm pretty much doing a moths daily routine and it's starting to worry me!

The Doctor replies Well, you've come in to the wrong clinic, you should of went to the Psychiatrist across the street

When the man replies Well that's where I was going but your porch light was on!






My uncle told me this idk where he got it haha

My friend and I went to a guitar clinic recently. He really seemed to be into it.

I guess it struck a chord with him.

A sign at the fertility clinic.

Please wait to be seeded.

It just doesn't make sense

You know how people donate a pint of blood and are hailed as a hero. I go into the clinic and donate 8 pints of blood already packaged. And then they gotta go call the police. Guess I have to find another way to get rid of my mother in law.

Lose 20 Lbs. Guaranteed!

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.

A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."

How is a vampire similar to an abortion clinic?

They both suck the life out of you

A man walks in to a medical clinic and asks to see a doctor. The receptionist makes him an appointment. How about 10 tomorrow?

Man: I don't need that many .

Why did the clinic go out of business?

Because the doctors had no patience.

What do you call a Muslim abortion clinic?

Counter-terrorism

I donated a large amount of money to a rape clinic..

I wouldn't take no as an answer

At the mental health clinic.

A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.


"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"


"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"


"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes, "nobody's out to get me, nobody!", and John storms off crying.


"Wow, you guys must ave some cold blooded, but hard hitting therapy", sais the newbie.


"Actually ..." replies the staff member, "John is being treated for self esteem issues."

What did Velma say to Scooby when they went to the haunted methadone clinic?

*Junkies!*

Student and Doctor!

A student was not found of a job even after two years after his graduation so he decided to open a clinic & wrote
outside the clinic:
Any treatment in Rs.300/- & if we can't treat, we will pay you back Rs.1000/-.

A CLEVER Doctor thought he will make that commerce student fool and comes to do fraud & thinking to get Rs.1000.

He says to the student:
I cant feel any taste on my tongue...

Student asks the Nurse to put few
drops of medicine from box no. 22

After that the MAN shouts: " WTF...its URINE..!!

Student says congratulations your sense of taste is back now.

The CLEVER Doctor was angry as he lost Rs.300.

After 2 weeks the same doctor comes back again & this time he thinks to get back his previous 300 too.

CLEVER Doctor : I've lost my memory.

Student: Nurse! pls put some drops of medicine from Box no. 22 on his tongue.

DOCTOR : Wait but that medicine is for sense of taste.

Student: Congratulations your memory is back!

Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;

Apparently your cat, FlΓΌffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.

We're sorry for your loss.

Our resident String Theorist will contact you.

He can explain everything.

8{>

I had to specify an IT system for the local anorexia clinic.

I recommended a thin client architecture.

I want to open a Roman themed STD clinic

I'll call it Veni VD Vici

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

the most awkward time in my life

Was when I locked my keys in my car and had to walk into the nearby abortion clinic to ask to borrow a coat hanger.

Tag line outside a Breast Implant Clinic:

If nature has given you "lemons"

we will re-arrange the alphabets & convert them into "melons" !!

I'm at the ear clinic.

My name might've been called out. I have no idea.

PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it.

We'll help you bring out your inner child...

Come to Midtown Abortion Clinic

A redneck suffered a nasty fall...

So he visited a physician and sought treatment.

Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained, the doctor said.

The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.

My friend Mike is way better with women than I am. When he asks, You come here often? he gets her number.

But when I ask it, I get kicked out of the abortion clinic.

I used to have a job transporting addicts to the nearby rehab clinic.

But I got fired because too many of my passengers fell off the wagon.

Meanwhile at the bar

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"


"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the STD clinic."

The judge gave me ten years working at the clinic for the blind.

Could have been worse, at least it wasn't the deaf sentence.

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the emergency room.

He came to as they got him to the emergency room, and that's when the nurse on staff told him "it appears you have suffered from first, second, and third degree burns."

Tired of being beaten again and again by a child, Captain Hook decided to leave Neverland. When he reached the real world, he realized there was a job he was built for.

So he opened an abortion clinic.

What do you call someone who went into a birth clinic and started shooting at everyone there?

Spawn camper.

A clinic was trialling a new, cheap way to numb a patient for surgery.

The new method involved blunt force trauma to the patient's head.

The strategy was such a success that people would line up around the block to receive the new anaesthetic.

A man asked the doctor what the line was for.

The doctor replied "that's the punchline."

Did you hear about the injured condiment?

He had to be rushed to the Mayo Clinic.

I wasn't sure if I should go to the STI clinic or not.

I didn't want to make a rash decision.

An old lady at the clinic.

Doctor: I'm afraid to tell you that you have Alzheimer's disease.
Old lady: What? No way! I played poker, did math problems, and everything to prevent this...
Doctor: It's OK ma'am. Just keep doing what you're doing to prevent your condition from worsening.
Old lady: Sure.
Doctor: I will also encourage you to write down things that may be memory intensive, and keep a daily journal.
Old lady: I will.
Doctor: I will see you in three week's time.
Old lady: Thank you! I guess i should accept my condition. At least it's not as bad as having Alzheimer's.

What did the doctor say when all of his clientele started going to the clinic across the street?

I'm losing my patience.

I'm starting a new abortion clinic and naming it...

Scrambled Eggs.

Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?

He does 18 holes a day.

New kinds of implants.

So a girl went into a plastic surgery clinic to get a breast enlargement, the doctors told her that they ran out of silicon and all they had left was wood. She didn't get it obviously that would be stupid woodentit?

Water.....I have news for you.

The poor bottle water notice he was red, it felt nauseous, it had diarrhea, and it had a sweet taste in its mouth. He went to the clinic to see what was wrong with him. But the doctor had bad news. He said" I'm sorry water, but you have **Kool** aids."

The Time Travelling Soldier

When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, How long was I in there for? Β 

A Hindu, a Christian, A Sikh, an atheist, and a Buddhist walk into a clinic...

One of them is called to see the doctor, he goes in, and after a while leaves the clinic. After that, everyone else was angry because they had not received service from the doctor. They ask the nurse standing outside why this is so, to which she said: "I'm sorry, we only serve the sikh."

In front of a mental clinic, a patient was pulling a rope.

Doctor: why are you pulling that rope?
Patient: what do you want me to do, push it?!

The euthanasia clinic finally found a slogan

Kill them with kindness

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

It hurts here

A guy goes to the clinic and finally gets in to see the doctor.
What's the problem today? the doctor asks.
He pushes his finger in his forehead and says It hurts here and pushes against his shoulder It hurts here, Than he pushes against his knee, It hurts here also, What can it be Doc?
Your fingers broken.

My friend works at a circumcision clinic

I asked him if he charges alot for his circumcisions

He said "No, I just keep the tips."

How to make Clinic jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Clinic to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Clinic? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Clinic pick up lines to share with friends.

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