Climb Trees Jokes
99 climb trees jokes and hilarious climb trees puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about climb trees that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Climb Trees Short Jokes
Short climb trees jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The climb trees humour may include short climb jokes also.
- An MBA graduate lost his mind and used to go climb a tree at 9 am everyday and sit on a branch until 5pm. He thought of himself as a branch manager.
- The other day I was climbing a tree with a friend He was talking about life and I had some advice so I said alright I'm going out on a limb here...
- What's the difference between weather and climate? You can't weather a tree, but you can climb it.
- Did you hear ab the cat who climbed the tree outside the bank? They made him branch manager
- After days of refusing, the boy finally worked up the courage to climb a tall tree He really went out on a limb
- Stale Joke I dream I was climbing a tree.....
But it was really a two..... :| - When you fall off a tree. Two young boys were climbing a tree. One let go and hit the ground. The other asked why he fell. The boy on the ground answered,"I've ripened."
- What's any colour and can't climb a tree Anything that doesn't move
- Whats the resemblance between a squirrel and a piano Both can climb trees... But the piano
- What do you call a tree that you cannot climb? The one that's fallen to the ground.
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Climb Trees One Liners
Which climb trees one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with climb trees? I can suggest the ones about climbing mountain and cutting tree.
- What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.
- How do you catch squirrels? Climb up a tree and pretend you're nuts.
- What do you call a carabao who can climb a tree? Awesome!!!
- Why do you never see a pig in a tree? Because pigs can't climb trees
- What's the best way to catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut
- X-ray doctors can't climb trees as well as... catscan.
- I climbed on a tree with a suitcase. My aim is to become a branch manager.
- What is red and can't climb trees? Paul Walker's Porsche
- What is white and can't climb trees? A bath
- Why did the cop climb the tree? He worked for a special branch.
- Im gonna go out on a limb here... ... and say climbing this tree was a bad idea.
- What do you call an elephant that can climb a tree? Talented
- What kind of tree could a math teacher climb? Geometry
- How does an elephant climb a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
- I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.
Quirky and Hilarious Climb Trees Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about climb trees you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tree grows jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make climb trees pranks.
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You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The people on j**... Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
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There's a guy Who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.
The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher.
Then, the bear climbed down and went away.
So the guy starts to climb down the tree.
Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him.
The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first.
But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him.
Eventually, the bears went away.
Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again.
Suddenly, the two bears return.
But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.
Each bear was carrying a b**....
Two hikers are out hiking.
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second hiker says, "What are you doing?"
The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll have to jump down and make a run for it."
The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear?
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.
He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?"
"Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."
Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do?
Christy: I'd climb a tree.
Teacher: if the lion climbs a tree?
Christy: I will jump in the lake and swim.
Teacher: if the lion also jumps in the water and swims after you?
Christy: Teacher, are you on my side or on the lion's?
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
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A man takes his friend gorilla hunting...
He says :
"All you need is a trained dog, a net and a shotgun. I'll climb the tree where the gorilla is sitting and I will shake the branches as hard as I can ! As soon as the gorilla falls on the ground, the dog will bite and rip off his g**.... When it's done, you will be able to put the net on the gorilla and capture him !"
His friend asks :
" Yeah, that sounds nice, but what do we need a shotgun for then ?"
The hunter replies :
"If I fall from the tree...kill the dog."
A little lizard
A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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So a Lizard and a Koala sit in a tree an smoke a joint...
They are smoking, talking, simply having a good time. After about an hour, the lizard says: "Man, I'm so thirsty... I gotta go down to the river and drink some water." So he climbs down the tree and goes to the river. There an aligator is chilling in the water and shouts: "Hey Lizard, whats going on? What're you up to?"
"Hey my friend, I'm over there in the tree, smoking p**... with the Koala, wanna join us?"
"Haha sure, gotta see this." goes the Aligator. So he climbs out of the water, and starts walking towards the tree. The Koala sees him, opens his eyes in amazement and says:
"Dude... How much did you drink???"
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An Irish, a British, and American soldiers...
...had just helped each other escape from an Axis prisoner camp in WW2 Germany. As they run through the Bavarian forest, they hear alarms sounding, and soon afterwards, they hear dogs barking and guards yelling to each other.
The barking and yelling gets louder and louder, and the escapees realize that they'll be caught if they keep on running, and decide to take cover by climbing up separate trees.
The dogs start circling the tree, and jumping up and down around the trunk on the very tree the American has climbed. The guards shout "Come down or we'll shoot!" Thinking quickly, he quickly calls down "who! who!" The German guards say to each other "Das ist eine owl", and call the dogs off.
The dogs follow the trail to the second tree, and the guards call up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Brit calls down "CAW! CAW!!!" The guards say "Ahh. Das ist eine crow".
The guards follow the dogs to the third tree where the Irishman had climbed. Again they called up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Irishman thought for a moment and then called down "Moo! Moo!"
***NOT MINE: ** Shamelessly stolen from an Irish joke book I had as a kid. Yes, I am Irish.*
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Once upon a time, there was a baby turtle...
...and this turtle was trying to climb one of the highest trees in the forest. It was an arduous and time consuming job, but the little turtle kept going for hours and hours, until he finally reached the top of the tree. Once there, he looks down, counts to three, and jumps off. The little turtle, bounces off a couple of branches and lands on the ground upside down. He fought and fought, and finally, got on his feet and was determined to climb that tree again. After a couple more hours, he finally reached the top, counted to three, and jumped again. He bounced off the branches and once again landed on his shell. Even more determined than before the turtle gets on his feet, climbs the tree and jumps once more.
A couple of feet away there were two pigeons who were watching the events unfold, when one of them says to the other "Honey, I think it's time to tell little Jimmy that he's adopted."
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Office jokes.
A rabbit saw a bird sitting on a branch doing nothing and thought it looked good so he asked the bird, "Hey! That look good. Can I sit here and do nothing too?"
The bird nodded.
As soon as the rabbit sat down the the base of the tree a fox ran up and ate the rabbit.
Moral of the story? When you want to sit and do nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
---
A turkey wanted to climb a tree and tried as hard as he could but could only make it to the first branch.
So he asked his strong bovine friend for help, "Hey can you help me get to the top of that tree?"
"Sure," he replied, "Just eat some of my dropping as they are packed with nutrients!"
The turkey did and was able to reach the 3rd branch. So he decides to eat even more and this time he makes it to the 7th. Then he eats as much as he possible can and he finally made it to the top!
Then he got tired and the wind easily blew him off and he hit the ground and died.
Moral of the story? b**... may get you to the top but it wont keep you there.
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A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...
when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.
The lizard, so s**..., leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too s**... and fell in while taking a drink.
The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."
The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
How to catch a White Elephant
Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins).
Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.
The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins).
Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins).
The sixth day you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins). Drop the muffin (without raisins) as usual.
When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.
And then you catch it the same way you catch an ordinary grey elephant.
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
Why did the boy climb the tree with his hockey stick?
Because he wanted to play for the maple leafs.
Two mexicans are walking in a desert....
and are extremely thirsty and hungry, and are out of food and water. As they continue on their journey to reach their homeland, Carlos says to Juan in broken english, "I don't think we es going to make it, Juan." Juan replies, "We must keep trying Carlos, we es got no choice."
As Carlos and Juan approach a big hill of sand in the desert, Carlos immediately smells bacon. "Juan!!! You smell that? Smells like.... Bacon!!!!" Carlos replies reluctantly, "How could you just, smell bacon out here? Make no sense Juan." Juan replies, "Es a bacon tree! I can tell!" Carlos replies, "No Juan, es a mirage!! Es messing with your mind!"
Juan would not listen. "Ok Carlos, your choice." Juan proceeded to climb the hill, while Carlos waited down at the bottom for him, knowing that this was way to good to be true.
As Juan disappeared from Carlos's view, Carlos heard many gunshots. Terrified and confused, he didn't know what to do. Slowly, he saw Juan climb, with gunshot wounds, over the edge of the hill. "Carlos, don't go up there!!"
"Es no bacon tree." "Es a.... Es a hambush."
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An Australian joke...
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so s**... that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too s**... and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
The koala looked down at him and said,
'FUCK ME! How much water did you drink!?'
How To Out Run A Bear
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don"'t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.
One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.
He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"
Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.
Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"
It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."
His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."
About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Guy walks into a bar.. (long joke)
And asks for a drink. He notices a jar full of money and asks the bartender if he gets a lot of tips. Bartender explains that it's part of an ongoing bet. The man asks what he must do to win the money. The bartender states that the man must climb the oak tree behind the bar and grab a leaf from the very top, pull an abscessed tooth from a pit bull, and bang a 50 year old v**.... The man refuses.
After many drinks, the man finally accepts the bet. He climbs the tree with ease and brings the bartender a leaf. The man then stumbles to the back room where the dog is sleeping. After a lot of commotion, screaming, and yelping, the man returns. He says, "Now where's the lady with the abscessed tooth?"
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The laborers digging the trench were getting fed up...
So one of them climbs out, walks over to the foreman, and asks "Why do we have to do all the work and you just watch us?"
The foreman walks over to a tree, places his open hand against it and says "I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can."
The digger winds up, launches the hardest punch he can muster, but the foreman pulls his hand away at the last second. "That's why!" the foreman gloats. "It's because you're s**... and I'm smart!"
The laborer climbs back down in the trench, and his buddy asks why the foreman doesn't have to dig. "Because he's smarter than us!" The buddy doesn't believe it. "Oh yeah? How do you know he's smarter?"
The first guy simply covers his face with his hand, and says "I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can."
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The little Justine come home with 20 dollars...
... the mom asks her where she got the money.
I won a bet, because little Johny said that I couldn't climb a tree.
Mom: Oh, but then he saw under your skirt and your p**....
Little Girl Proudly: No he didn't because they were in my pocket.
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The Bacon tree
Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is..."
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A sloth is hanging out in a tree getting s**...
when a lizard walks up and says "Hey sloth what's up?"
The sloth answers "Smoking a joint, you want to come up here and hit this?"
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to get a drink.
The lizard, so s**..., leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a sloth, and he got too s**... and fell in while taking a drink.
The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the sloth. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the sloth and says "Hey, you."
The sloth looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Priest, daughter and mother.
One day a priest was walking by and saw a young girl climb a tree. He went over to her, looked up and saw that she had no underwear on. He called to her to come down and gave her $15 dollars for some u**....
The young girl told her mother that the priest gave her money to buy some underwear when she got home. The mother decided it be best to cash in as well.
So the next day, the priest saw the mother up on the tree and called down to her and said, "Here, child, take this." And handed her $3. The mother said "$3? Whats this for?" The priest replied, "It's for a razor."
Why do cats get stuck in trees?
Because elephants can't climb trees.
Why did Batman climb the tree?
He was looking for Robin's nest.
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A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint...
... when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too s**... and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
A man and his wife were riding to town on a horse driven carriage....(old one i heard from my grandpa)
they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving "that's one" he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won't go around. So the man pushes and pushes on the tree to clear the path, climbs back on the carriage and says "that's two" he says and they go on their way. Then they come upon a river, shallow enough for them to cross but the horse simply won't go. So, the man climbs down, and attempts to make the horse go, but it just will not cross the water. The man says"that's three" and shoots the horse there on the spot. His wife, looking on in disgust says to him "that's the terrible! You didn't have to kill the horse! The man looks at her and says"that's one"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree
He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas g**... and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."
A bear climbs a tree....
a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"
the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."
the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."
the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."
A monkey climbs a banana tree
So a monkey climbs a banana tree one day and is astonished to see a fully grown elephant sitting in it.
"what are you doing here?" asks the monkey.
"eating these pears," said the elephant, holding up a pear.
"but this is a banana tree," said the monkey.
"I know" said the elephant. "i brought my own pears."
Why did they give a megaphone to the dog who couldn't climb a tree?
Because he couldn't bark
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A monkey was smoking w**...
sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the **best w**... in the world**. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river to get a drink.
Because lizard was high he trips and falls in the river. An alligator spots him and helps him to the shore, and asks what is wrong with him. The lizard, right before passing out, tells the alligator about the monkey and the **best w**... in the world**. The alligator decides to check this stuff out and goes where the monkey was. He spots the monkey and shouts, "HEY! MONKEY!"
The monkey's eyes go wide as he spots the alligator, and then he says...."WHAAAAT THE FUCCCKKKK BROOOO! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My neighbour kept climbing my tree so I threw a rope around his neck and hung him from it.
That taut him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Mommy! The boys at school pay me to climb trees!
"Honey, they only want you to do that so they can see your p**...!"
Yeah, I know, that's why I take them off.
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A Squirrel in Sitting in a Tree Eating Some Nuts When Suddenly the Tree Starts to Shake Violently.
He looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel says "hey elephant, what are you doing?"
The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"
"You d**...," says the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."
The elephant says "I know, I brought my own!"
A girl walks out of a bar...
She's approached by two guys. They tell her to climb a tree, and they'll give her $5. She does it, then goes home to tell her roommate. Her roommate says "They only did it to see your underwear." The next day, the girl goes to the same bar. Again, the two guys ask her to climb the tree for $5. AGAIN, she does it. She goes home to show her roommate the 5$. Unimpressed the roommate says "they tricked you again!?." The girl says "NO, I tricked them, I wasn't wearing any underwear!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese PI
A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: "Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He s**... she. She s**... he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee."
No Reason, No One and Crazy
3 boys are climbing in a tree.
They are called: No Reason, No One amd Crazy.
Then No One falls out of a tree.
No Reason screams to Crazy: "Call an ambulance!"
And Crazy calls: "Hello, I am crazy. I call for no reason, because no one fell out of a tree"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
adult jokes
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your p**...!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
3 Belgians are sitting next to a river
3 Belgians are sitting next to a river, A crocodile swims past and they start to throw rocks at it. The crocodile gets angry and begins to swim towards them. 2 of them run and climb in a tree. They shout to the other "Why are you staying there, you better run before the crocodile comes!"
He replies "Why I didn't throw any Rocks"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Timmy the Turtle...
Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."
A guy goes on vacation with his family
And asks his friend if he can take care of their cat.
Days into the vacation, he receivea a call from his friend, and he says:
"Hey, your cat just died..."
"Jesus, man! You just messed my vacation! How am I going to tell my kids now? And you should'nt say it like that! First, you'd call and say 'the cat climbed a tree'. Then you'd call and say 'the cat is still in the three'. Then you'd call and say the cat fell and is fighting for his life. Then you'd call and say that cat died!"
"You're right... I'm sorry, I should have done it like that"
Days later, he receives a call from his friend:
"Hey, your mother climbed a tree..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator.
The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. The investigator then follows the wife around. A few days later, the husband finds a note on his car's windshield. He opens it and it reads: *"Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He s**... she. She s**... he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee."*
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops. They pull into a forest and each climb up a separate tree. The cop parks and walks up to the tree with the brunette.
"I know you're up there, get down from there."
Cheep cheep cheep cheep....
He hears the chirping and is convinced it's just a bird. He goes to the second tree with the redhead.
"Get down right now. I don't have the patience."
Hoo. Hoo.
He hears the hooting and is convinced it's just a owl. He walks up to the tree with the blonde.
"I know you're up there. Get down right now."
After some silence and much thought....
"MOOOOO!"
Elton John
On vacation, Elton John finds himself meandering in a Mediterranean orchard. Spying a tree, Elton decides to relive some boyhood memories and climb a tree, albeit only the first branch.
As Elton sits, his well-heeled (and sparkly) feet dangling, a local boy walks by. Waving, Elton call out, "Would you like anything?"
"Fig!" The boy yells back.
Offended, Elton crosses his arms. "What did you call me?"
"No," the boy replies, pointing, "THAT low hanging fruit!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
He saw your p**..., Emma
Emma: Lita, Harris gave me 50$ for climbing that tree, again.
Lita: You idiot. That pervert saw your p**... just like the other time.
Emma: I'd never let him do that. That's why I didn't wear any p**... this time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
daughter : MOM I JUST GOT $10 FOR CLIMBING A TREE
mom : those boys just wanted to see your p**....
daughter : yea i know. i took off my p**... before climbing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The inmates of an asylum are playing a game called "ripe mango"
It consists of the inmates climbing a tree in the facility and yelling "ripe mango", before letting go and falling to the ground. The director of the asylum passes by and chuckes and one of the inmates calls him to play.
The director, just to indulge them, climbs the tree but yells "unripe mango!". He didn't want, as expected, to hit the ground. Seeing this one of the inmates says "bring me a stone!!! I'm taking that son of a b**... down! "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 20 years old girl returned to her home , looking Happy.
'Mom , look I got 10$ ! ' she exclaimed. Surprised , her mother asked ' honey , you had gone to the forest. how did you get this money ?'
' When I was roaming in the forest, a middle-aged man came to me and said that he would give me 10$ if I would climb a tree. '
Shocked, her mother replied ' Oh no dear , you don't understand . You are wearing a skirt and by climbing the tree, he wanted to see your p**....'
The daughter replied ' Don't worry mom , I am very clever . I knew this and so I removed my p**... before climbing the tree.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Jenny loved climbing trees
When her mother came to pick her up from school, Jenny was at it again climbing the tallest tree she could find, oblivious to the group of disgusting boys looking up her skirt! The mom quickly waved her to get into the car, then in a stern voice warned her about the boys who just wanted to look at her p**....
The next day picking Jenny up from school, she sees Jenny climbing the tree again, and again the group of boys leering at her beneath the tree.
Jenny! Get down from there! I told you not to let the boys see your p**...!
With a proud smile, Jenny shouts back, Don't worry mom! I'm not wearing my p**...!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his b**... red.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries!
(Apologies if you've heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I'll get better material)
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?
If you climb a tree to escape, a black bear can climb up the tree and you eat you.
The grizzly bear will knock the tree down and eat you.