The Best 86 Climb Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Climb jokes. There are some climb ascend jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these climb stair puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Climb Jokes and Puns
Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.
The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.
"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.
"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."
"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Dreams.
3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.
The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting jerked off all night by a supermodel!"
The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"
The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky bastards. I just dreamed I was skiing."
Oh Grandma!
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious.
"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Why does the Mexican Olympic team always do so badly?
Because anyone who can swim, run, or climb is already in America.
Too Shy!!!
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.
I just climbed a mountain of fish, or you could say...
I scaled it.
Your momma so dumb
she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Three starving guys are wandering in a desert...
They come across a tree, but instead of leaves, it has strips of bacon. They happily climb the tree and start eating the bacon, until they hear a gunshot and one of the guys falls over, dead.
It wasn't a bacon tree.
It was a ham-bush.
(Not sure if this has been posted before, hope you enjoy.)
Why did the blonde climb the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
You can explore climb beam reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean climb steep dad jokes. There are also climb puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
"So do you want me to climb up with my bare hands or can I use some sort of climbing device?"
The latter.
2 Polish Guys
Were trying to measure the height of a flagpole. They had a tape measure with them and were trying to climb the flagpole, measure in hand. A man walks by and says, "why don't you guys just lay it on the ground and measure it?" One of the Poles replies, "Because we want to measure its height, not length!"
A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white
They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.
"God! Are you white or black?"
"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.
"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"
"Why would you assume that?!" asks the black guy. "He could just as easily be black!"
"If he was black, he would say, 'I is who I is."
Two drunk idiots are sitting on top of a building...
Staring at the moon, one of 'em says, "Give me your flashlight, I'll turn it on, aim it at the moon and then you go climb up to the moon using the beam."
"No! You idiot! What if you turn it off when I'm midway!"
(English, not my native language, apologies.)
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
Tour guide in the mountain
A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."
Clever Insult joke
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
What's blue and white and can't climb trees?
A fridge with a denim jacket on
A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree
He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."
A girl went to a doctor for a checkup....
During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. Doctor… she replied shyly, I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you. All right, said the physician, I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're done. A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with all my clothes? Put them on the chair, on top of mine.
75 story hotel
Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a . After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.
Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."
The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.
"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."
(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR DAMMIT
A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."
The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully naked man. "Hi, I'm Sess."
A man is walking by a prison....
...when he sees a midget climbing out one of the cells at the top of the prison. The midget is climbing down a rope when he turns around and sees the man on the street. The midget flips off the men and continues to climb down the rope.
The man says to himself, "Wow, that's a little condescending."
I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...
it was an anti-climb axe
How many McDonald's employees does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't climb the ladder.
People that climb mountains
just follow a natural inclination.
Air tragedy in Newfoundland...
A two-seater single engine Cessna 152 crashed in foggy conditions near the Gander airport, crashing into the nearby cemetery.
Newfie rescue squads have recovered 385 bodies so far, and that number is expected to climb as digging continues.
During a prison break, I saw a midget climb the fence of the prison yard. As he jumped down, he sneered at me...
I thought to myself, "well, that was a little con-descending."
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
How do you climb a triangle?
By scalene it
Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
swimming pool wishes
At a swimming pool: Three guys climb a high-dive tower and meet a good fairy who offers to fulfill a wish for each of them. One jumps and says, "Beer!" - and the pool is full of beer. The other one jumps, says, "Money!" and the pool is full of money. The last one starts to jump but slips and, falling, yells, "SHIIIIIIT!!!"
Midget scammer
So there was a midget scammer who was in a prison break. I watched him climb up and down the wall - it was a little condescending.
Mommy! The boys at school pay me to climb trees!
"Honey, they only want you to do that so they can see your panties!"
Yeah, I know, that's why I take them off.
I was walking today when i saw a man writing something on top of a lamp post
So i asked: "what are ye writing, mate?"
"Climb up here and read" - he answered
So i climbed up, read it and really shocked. It really said "climb up here and read"
If laziness were an olympic discipline...
... I'd want to finish 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the medals podium...
While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting
super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis
A man enters a bar with a revolver
He climb up a table, looked around and yell.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE?!"
The bar went silent for a minute when suddenly a man at the back says.
"you are gonna need more than 6 shots pal!"
How does a reptile climb a mountain?
It scales it
Why did the blonde climb the roof of the pub?
The drinks were on the house.
A cockroach's last words to a husband:
"Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I will make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her."
I tried to climb the Eiffel tower once
But eiffel :/
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! ...Next Day... (Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Jose and the Game.
Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because very one who can run, jump, climb, or swim is already in the US.
Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.
"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"
-- "Yes, I'm alive."
"Did you break your legs?"
-- "No, my legs are fine."
"Did you break your arms?
-- "No, they're OK."
"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"
-- "I can't."
"Why not?"
-- "I'm still falling."
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
What's big and white and can't climb a tree?
A refrigerator
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk.
I'm in whey over my head.
Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success
And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.
3 Belgians are sitting next to a river
3 Belgians are sitting next to a river, A crocodile swims past and they start to throw rocks at it. The crocodile gets angry and begins to swim towards them. 2 of them run and climb in a tree. They shout to the other "Why are you staying there, you better run before the crocodile comes!"
He replies "Why I didn't throw any Rocks"
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
...Next Day...
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom:...
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...
They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.
Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.
Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?
He had a plane to catch
Coffee filled to the brim
Boss : Muthu, how do you get it right? For 30 years you have been bringing me coffee filled to the brim every morning without spilling it?
Muthu: Before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.
How to climb a ladder
Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 3.
My son asked me to give him a life lesson.
I said, "Son, you see that mountain over there?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "If you work really hard and you climb that moment, for days and says... what happens when you reach the top?"
He said, "You see amazing things?"
I said, "No, you realise you left your camera at the bottom. Then when you get back down there you realise that someone's stolen it. That's life."
An MBA graduate lost his mind and used to go climb a tree at 9 am everyday and sit on a branch until 5pm.
He thought of himself as a branch manager.
A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.
"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.
"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"
Why did the blonde climb on the glass wall?
To look over the other side.
A young girl accepts a dare, and wins a dollar
she tells her mom about it, saying how the boys dared her to climb a post.
"Silly girl, that's so they could look up your skirt."
So the next day, the girl comes back and says "They tried to make me climb that post again, but I outsmarted them this time!"
"Really? What did you do?"
"I told them 'I'm not going to be fooled into reposting!"
I'm a roofer and earlier today my coworker asked me how I'm gonna get down from the roof of the house. I said I could jump or I could climb down.
I chose the latter
Anyone heard of the fugawee native american tribe?
Famous for being terrible navigators, would climb the highest mountains where ever they would travel, look around and yell "where the fugawee!!"
A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...
The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.
He says, well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole. And so he uses that whole to climb out.
You say, That's stupid. It's two *halves* that make a whole, not two 'haves.' And anyway a 'whole' isn't spelled the way he's using it.
Now that you pointed out the hole in his reasoning, he climbs out through that.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
If laziness was an Olympic sport
I would've placed 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the winners' stairs
A blonde, brunette, and a red-head go to heaven
They meet St. Peter at a staircase with 100 stairs
St. Peter says, "To get to the gates, you need to climb the stairs, but on each stair is a joke or a riddle. If you laugh, you have to start over."
The red-head goes first. She gets to the first step and laughs.
The brunette goes next. She gets to the thirty second step, then laughs.
The blonde goes last. She got to the final step, and laughed.
St. Peter asks, "You were so close. Why did you laugh?"
The blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.
"How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.
Why did the Dragonborn climb the seven thousand steps?
He wanted to know what all the Fus was about !!
Becky discussing with her friend Karen
Becky: Last week, my uncle was taking pictures of me and asked me to climb up a ladder so he could get a better angle.
Karen: did you do it?.. it was just an excuse to see your panties.
Becky: I know. That's why I took it off before climbing the ladder.
A 20 years old girl returned to her home , looking Happy.
'Mom , look I got 10$ ! ' she exclaimed. Surprised , her mother asked ' honey , you had gone to the forest. how did you get this money ?'
' When I was roaming in the forest, a middle-aged man came to me and said that he would give me 10$ if I would climb a tree. '
Shocked, her mother replied ' Oh no dear , you don't understand . You are wearing a skirt and by climbing the tree, he wanted to see your panties.'
The daughter replied ' Don't worry mom , I am very clever . I knew this and so I removed my panties before climbing the tree.'
How do you catch squirrels?
Climb up a tree and pretend you're nuts.
You're not stupid if you haven't been to university
Einstein never went to university and he was the first man to climb mount Everest
I once went to climb Mount Everest...
... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.
I said, How is that possible?
He said, Himalayan Rooster
P.S I told that joke to a farm girl today and to all the other ag folk who clapped it made my day. Even if there's only two of you with enough cell service to have read it and laughed.
I went to a car dealership with my wife
We were intending to swap our old Ford to a newer one. The salesman sees us climb out of our car, comes up and says: "Is that an Escort?"
Me: "No this is my wife"
3 generations of males went to an old-fashioned store...
The young man asked for a pound of raisins from the pretty lady behind the counter. She had to climb a ladder to fill the order, revealing her naked flesh under her short skirt. Then, she asked his dad what he wanted.
Wanting to see a panty-less beauty climb the stairs again, he too asked for a pound of raisins. This time she caught on while grabbing the raisins, looking down on the men getting their carnal delights.
She then asked the grandpa, "I suppose yours is raisin' too?" "No," the old fella said, "but it is twitchin' a bit."
A blonde and two brunettes had to climb 100 stairs without laughing
On each stair they were told a joke, and they got funnier every stair higher.
The first brunette only made it to the first stair.
The second brunette made it to the fifth stair before she laughed.
The blonde slowly made her way up all the stairs, until finally she was at the 99th stair, where she let out a chuckle.
The brunettes, in awe of how well she did, asked her why she laughed.
She replied I finally got the first joke
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but...
...he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole...
...when an elderly lady was passing below them. One of the electricians calls her.
\- Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?
\- This one, young man?
\- Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!
\- No problem, dear!
After the lady passed him the wire, and left, the electrician tells his mate:
\- See, Fred? I told you this was the neutral wire, but no, you had to insist that it was the phase line!
Little Sally comes home from school munching on a big bag of candy...
Her mother says, "Where'd you get the money for that!?"
Sally laughs and says, "Little Johnny bet me five dollars I couldn't climb up the flag pole! I did it, and I won!"
Her mother shakes her head. "You dummy! He was just trying to get a peek at your panties!"
"Oh no!" Little Sally says, embarrassed.
But the next day, she comes home with two bags of candy.
Her mother says, "Did Little Johnny pay you to climb the flag pole again!??"
"Yes!" says Little Sally. "But I sure fooled him! I didn't even wear any panties!"
What's the best way to catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go
The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.
Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- Is it strong and durable?
- Yes
- Nobody can climb it?
- Nobody
- And nobody but moscovites inside?
- Yes
- Great! Then fill it up with shit up to the edges
Yo momma is so lazy...
Yo momma is so lazy that when she died and went to heaven, god told her to climb the stairway to enter and she said no.
So then god sent her to hell.
--
My younger son is on a yo momma joke kick right now in life and said this one to me in the car. I know it's a terrible yo momma joke, but it had me cracking up because of the dark ending.
I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder
And i thought to myself 'oh thats a little CONdescending
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the climb roof jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working climb soar piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.