Climb Jokes

Following is our collection of beam puns and ascend one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Climb jokes for adults, dirty steep jokes and clean stair dad gags for kids.

The Best Climb Puns

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

Clever Insult joke

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

Too Shy!!!

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."

The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully naked man. "Hi, I'm Sess."


A 20 years old girl returned to her home , looking Happy.

'Mom , look I got 10$ ! ' she exclaimed. Surprised , her mother asked ' honey , you had gone to the forest. how did you get this money ?'

' When I was roaming in the forest, a middle-aged man came to me and said that he would give me 10$ if I would climb a tree. '

Shocked, her mother replied ' Oh no dear , you don't understand . You are wearing a skirt and by climbing the tree, he wanted to see your panties.'

The daughter replied ' Don't worry mom , I am very clever . I knew this and so I removed my panties before climbing the tree.'

If laziness was an Olympic sport

I would've placed 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the winners' stairs

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
...Next Day...
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom:...

A young girl accepts a dare, and wins a dollar

she tells her mom about it, saying how the boys dared her to climb a post.

"Silly girl, that's so they could look up your skirt."

So the next day, the girl comes back and says "They tried to make me climb that post again, but I outsmarted them this time!"

"Really? What did you do?"

"I told them 'I'm not going to be fooled into reposting!"

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! ...Next Day... (Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.

Bad News

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"

-- "Yes, I'm alive."

"Did you break your legs?"

-- "No, my legs are fine."

"Did you break your arms?

-- "No, they're OK."

"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"

-- "I can't."

"Why not?"

-- "I'm still falling."

A man is walking by a prison....

...when he sees a midget climbing out one of the cells at the top of the prison. The midget is climbing down a rope when he turns around and sees the man on the street. The midget flips off the men and continues to climb down the rope.

The man says to himself, "Wow, that's a little condescending."

On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.

"How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.

Jose and the Game.

Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...

They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.

Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.

They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.

They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.

Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


A man enters a bar with a revolver

He climb up a table, looked around and yell.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE?!"

The bar went silent for a minute when suddenly a man at the back says.

"you are gonna need more than 6 shots pal!"

Three starving guys are wandering in a desert...

They come across a tree, but instead of leaves, it has strips of bacon. They happily climb the tree and start eating the bacon, until they hear a gunshot and one of the guys falls over, dead.
It wasn't a bacon tree.
It was a ham-bush.

(Not sure if this has been posted before, hope you enjoy.)

A blonde, brunette, and a red-head go to heaven

They meet St. Peter at a staircase with 100 stairs

St. Peter says, "To get to the gates, you need to climb the stairs, but on each stair is a joke or a riddle. If you laugh, you have to start over."

The red-head goes first. She gets to the first step and laughs.

The brunette goes next. She gets to the thirty second step, then laughs.

The blonde goes last. She got to the final step, and laughed.

St. Peter asks, "You were so close. Why did you laugh?"

The blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."

Dreams.

3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.

The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting jerked off all night by a supermodel!"

The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"

The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky bastards. I just dreamed I was skiing."

I once went to climb Mount Everest...

... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.

I said, How is that possible?

He said, Himalayan Rooster


P.S I told that joke to a farm girl today and to all the other ag folk who clapped it made my day. Even if there's only two of you with enough cell service to have read it and laughed.

75 story hotel

Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a . After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.

Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."

The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.

"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."

(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR DAMMIT

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."

I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe

A cockroach's last words to a husband:

"Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I will make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her."

How to climb a ladder

Step 1.

Step 2.

Step 3.

Why did the blonde climb the roof of the pub?

The drinks were on the house.

I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk.

I'm in whey over my head.

Your momma so dumb

she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

An MBA graduate lost his mind and used to go climb a tree at 9 am everyday and sit on a branch until 5pm.

He thought of himself as a branch manager.

Coffee filled to the brim

Boss : Muthu, how do you get it right? For 30 years you have been bringing me coffee filled to the brim every morning without spilling it?

Muthu: Before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole. And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, That's stupid. It's two *halves* that make a whole, not two 'haves.' And anyway a 'whole' isn't spelled the way he's using it.

Now that you pointed out the hole in his reasoning, he climbs out through that.

A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white

They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.

"God! Are you white or black?"

"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.

"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"

"Why would you assume that?!" asks the black guy. "He could just as easily be black!"

"If he was black, he would say, 'I is who I is."

You're not stupid if you haven't been to university

Einstein never went to university and he was the first man to climb mount Everest

A girl went to a doctor for a checkup....

During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. Doctor… she replied shyly, I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you. All right, said the physician, I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're done. A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with all my clothes? Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

Oh Grandma!

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?

He had a plane to catch

I was walking today when i saw a man writing something on top of a lamp post

So i asked: "what are ye writing, mate?"

"Climb up here and read" - he answered

So i climbed up, read it and really shocked. It really said "climb up here and read"

Becky discussing with her friend Karen

Becky: Last week, my uncle was taking pictures of me and asked me to climb up a ladder so he could get a better angle.

Karen: did you do it?.. it was just an excuse to see your panties.

Becky: I know. That's why I took it off before climbing the ladder.

I tried to climb the Eiffel tower once

But eiffel :/

What's big and white and can't climb a tree?

A refrigerator

Mommy! The boys at school pay me to climb trees!

"Honey, they only want you to do that so they can see your panties!"
Yeah, I know, that's why I take them off.

Why does the Mexican Olympic team always do so badly?

Because anyone who can swim, run, or climb is already in America.

What's blue and white and can't climb trees?

A fridge with a denim jacket on

How do you catch squirrels?

Climb up a tree and pretend you're nuts.

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

Air tragedy in Newfoundland...

A two-seater single engine Cessna 152 crashed in foggy conditions near the Gander airport, crashing into the nearby cemetery.

Newfie rescue squads have recovered 385 bodies so far, and that number is expected to climb as digging continues.

People that climb mountains

just follow a natural inclination.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because very one who can run, jump, climb, or swim is already in the US.

Why did the blonde climb the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

How many McDonald's employees does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't climb the ladder.

How does a reptile climb a mountain?

It scales it

I just climbed a mountain of fish, or you could say...

I scaled it.

3 Belgians are sitting next to a river

3 Belgians are sitting next to a river, A crocodile swims past and they start to throw rocks at it. The crocodile gets angry and begins to swim towards them. 2 of them run and climb in a tree. They shout to the other "Why are you staying there, you better run before the crocodile comes!"
He replies "Why I didn't throw any Rocks"

My son asked me to give him a life lesson.

I said, "Son, you see that mountain over there?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "If you work really hard and you climb that moment, for days and says... what happens when you reach the top?"

He said, "You see amazing things?"

I said, "No, you realise you left your camera at the bottom. Then when you get back down there you realise that someone's stolen it. That's life."

Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.

The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.

"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.

"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"

Why did the Dragonborn climb the seven thousand steps?

He wanted to know what all the Fus was about !!

If laziness were an olympic discipline...

... I'd want to finish 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the medals podium...

During a prison break, I saw a midget climb the fence of the prison yard. As he jumped down, he sneered at me...

I thought to myself, "well, that was a little con-descending."

While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting

super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis

swimming pool wishes

At a swimming pool: Three guys climb a high-dive tower and meet a good fairy who offers to fulfill a wish for each of them. One jumps and says, "Beer!" - and the pool is full of beer. The other one jumps, says, "Money!" and the pool is full of money. The last one starts to jump but slips and, falling, yells, "SHIIIIIIT!!!"

"So do you want me to climb up with my bare hands or can I use some sort of climbing device?"

The latter.

I went to a car dealership with my wife

We were intending to swap our old Ford to a newer one. The salesman sees us climb out of our car, comes up and says: "Is that an Escort?"

Me: "No this is my wife"

Why did the blonde climb on the glass wall?

To look over the other side.

Midget scammer

So there was a midget scammer who was in a prison break. I watched him climb up and down the wall - it was a little condescending.

Two drunk idiots are sitting on top of a building...

Staring at the moon, one of 'em says, "Give me your flashlight, I'll turn it on, aim it at the moon and then you go climb up to the moon using the beam."

"No! You idiot! What if you turn it off when I'm midway!"

(English, not my native language, apologies.)

Anyone heard of the fugawee native american tribe?

Famous for being terrible navigators, would climb the highest mountains where ever they would travel, look around and yell "where the fugawee!!"

I'm a roofer and earlier today my coworker asked me how I'm gonna get down from the roof of the house. I said I could jump or I could climb down.

I chose the latter

Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs?

Just follow these ten simple steps!

A nervous mountaineer looks at the steep mountain...

Which his guide had proposed to climb.

- Do people tumble down often here?

- No, the guide said, one time is usually enough.

How do you climb a triangle?

By scalene it

I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump.

"Don't do it!" I screamed. "Your life is worth more than that!"



Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board.

How to climb a ladder

Step one

Step two

I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.

He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.

2 Polish Guys

Were trying to measure the height of a flagpole. They had a tape measure with them and were trying to climb the flagpole, measure in hand. A man walks by and says, "why don't you guys just lay it on the ground and measure it?" One of the Poles replies, "Because we want to measure its height, not length!"

Welcome to my 3 step programme on how to climb ladders

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

They say climbing stairs is like losing a child.

It never get's easier.

There is an abundance of roof jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 83 funniest jokes and climb puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any soar witze you can hear about climb.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes