Client Jokes
101 client jokes and hilarious client puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about client that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Client Short Jokes
Short client jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The client humour may include short customer jokes also.
- "Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat... And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
- When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.
- Did you hear about the limo driver who drove for 20 years but never found a client? All that time wasted with nothing to chauffeur it.
- Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.
You know where to apply. - Death is coming to take a lawyer away The lawyer is weeping, "why now? I am only fourty!"
Death replies, "not according to the hours you billed your clients". - I've started a waxing/hair removal business, and I have decided to only take female clients for the time being. I don't want to go nuts right away.
- A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him. "Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."
"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"
"Next Monday." - My Client Is Not Guilty. Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny
Judge: What Do You Mean?
Lawyer: He's In A Cent. - Lawyers' Ethical Dilemma When a client gives you two hundred dollar bills stuck together from the bank machine to pay a $100 bill, do you tell your law partner?
- The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?" "Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."
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Client One Liners
Which client one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with client? I can suggest the ones about patient and server.
- I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me... Outlook not so good.
- Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny Judge: What?
Attorney: He's in a cent. - " Your honor, if you are what you eat then My client is an innocent man".
- Ever wonder why African dating agencies are so successful? The clients always click
- What did the Australian optometrist say to the client with 20/20 vision? Good eye, mate.
- A midget fortune teller killed his clients and fled... He is a small medium at large.
- What does a cannibal life coach value in their clients? *Consistency.*
- How does a pornstar say good bye to a client? Nice business doing pleasure with you.
- Why did the lawyer lose his case? His client was a thief.
- Having U2 as a client would be the worst All the work is pro bono.
- Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system? The advocato
- My Client is trapped inside a penny. Judge says,"What?"
Laywer,"He's in a cent." - An Auditor was found sleeping with his client He was guilty of inside her trading
- What was the deal the coffee-addict lawyer offered potential clients? Grounds for divorce
- What does the IT sheep tell its clients? Ewe need more Ram!
Client Acquitted Jokes
Here is a list of funny client acquitted jokes and even better client acquitted puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- After their post case hookup; why did the lawyer never call his client back? It was more of a hit it and acquit it situation
- Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
Howlingly Hilarious Client Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about client you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean receiver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make client pranks.
A guy gets framed for m**...
Lawyer : my client is trapped inside a coin
Judge : what?
Lawyer : he's in a cent
Judge : your going to jail with him
An American travels on business to Japan for the first time, and decides to pick up a h**...
When he was diddling her, she kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!" The guy figured this was a term for something great.
The next day, he went golfing with his Japanese client and colleagues, and he got a hole-in-one. He wanted to impress his Japanese friends, so he yelled out, "Fujifoo!!!"
The Japanese speaking folks looked confused, and one of them finally said, "No, you got the right hole."
Need some help from you guys!
I'm writing a script for a commercial for a small denture business, and the client wants me to open with a pun and so far anything I've come up with is pretty bleak.. So hit me with your best mouth/dentist/smile (etc.) puns! Thanks in advance.
Upvotes for all answers!
What did the p**... say to her client?
"It's a business doing pleasure with you."
I work with mentally disabled people. Today I tried to tell a client the nacho cheese joke.
"Hey, you have nachos! What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"
"Tasty!" -Holds up a-okay sign-
"...Well...you aren't wrong!"
Happy Valentine's Day everybody!
A lawyer is about to go home for the night...
...when a client shows up, asking for his council. The lawyer decides to stay late and work with the client. Afterwards, the client asks how much he owes for the lawyer's time.
"One hundred dollars," the lawyer responds.
The client pays him and walks out, at which point the lawyer realizes it's two hundred dollar bills stuck together. This leaves the lawyer with a moral dilemma...
Does he tell his partner?
Mr. Smith is Dead
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
The lawyer called his client overseas...
..."Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."
A graphic designer is working on a website...
...and his client says, "Could you make this banner a little more green?"
So he makes the color a little bit more green.
But his client says, "No, that's too green. Make it a little less so."
So he makes it a little less green.
The client says, "No, it's still a bit off."
So the artist, losing his patience, shouts, "On a scale of 0 to 255, how green do you want it!?"
An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.
When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"
"My husband's ashes", the client replied.
"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."
"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."
The Continuing Adventures of Lawyer Mom, Episode 1
Lawyer Mom: Your Honor, my client is accused of m**... in the first degree. But let me ask you, and everyone else in this court room, this: (Mom voice) Have any of YOU ever murdered someone?
Everyone looks around at each other, confused.
Judge: Um, no?
Lawyer Mom: (Puts hands on hips, closes her eyes, and continues in Mom voice) Well then how can any of you tell my client that m**... is bad if you have never even tried it? Hmmm?
A man and his lawyer walk into the courtroom and stand before the judge.
The judge asks "What does the defendant plea?"
The lawyer replies "Your honor, my client pleads trans-guilty."
The judge has a puzzled look on his face.
Lawyer: "He identifies himself as an innocent man."
A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.
-shrugs- It wasn't hard.
I accidentally flogged another d**...'s client.
Oops, wrong sub.
A man orders a coffee
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!
So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"
The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"
What do you get when two lawyers have s**... ?
A Binding contract that you can't pull out of ... Edit And their are no loop holes other than your client having piercings.
An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman... [n**...]
An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman the night before a game of golf with a big Japanese client.
The woman is screaming with passion a specific word in Japanese that the man could tell was a great thing. He decides to try it out at golf.
Each time the big client sinks the ball, the man shouts his newly learned Japanese word. Finally, after the 9th hole, the big client asks the man:
"Why do you keep shouting wrong hole?'"
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Unintelligent Design
Client to designer: It doesn't really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.
What did the company that makes wooden counters say to their client?
"We stand behind our product"
Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny
Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent
Judge: You're going to jail with him
^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean
I had to specify an IT system for the local anorexia clinic.
I recommended a thin client architecture.
Why didn't the client tip the server?
Because they didn't have enough cache!
(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)
A lawyer took a client who was charged with aggressively weaving objects to throw at people
He had a real basket case on his hands
Criss Angel arrested for m**......
His lawyer asks "When and where did the m**... take place?"
Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."
Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."
Detective "How's that?"
Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer...
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "I would like to ask a few questions", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "But I have to charge you $200 to answer 2 questions" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" said the suprised client. "Yes it certainly is", said the lawyer, "And what's your second question?"
A lawyer claims that his client had been trapped inside a penny...
...and that said client was in a cent.
Our local barber just got arrested today
Apparently he's a drug dealer, which is really weird because I've been his client for 7 years and never knew he was a barber.
Why did the p**... get angry after having s**... in an apple orchard?
Because her client came in cider.
Good news / bad news
The lawyer looked at his client and said, "I've got good news and bad news. Your wife has found a picture worth $1 million."
"Well, that's amazing!" exclaimed the client, "but what's the bad news?"
"It's a picture of you and your secretary."
My wife asked me to buy a king sized pillow at Target.
After a fruitless search, I replied, "As a trans madam once said to a prospective client, 'Sorry, they're all standard queens.'"
(true story, bro)
The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."
The lawyer looked at his rich client and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news,"
The client said, "well gee, I guess lets here the good news first."
So the lawyer said "You're wife has found a picture worth $10 million."
The client replied, "Oh that's fantastic! But whats the bad news?"
"It's a picture of you and your secretary."
None of my clients liked me when I was a plumber...
But since becoming a coffin maker, they've been dying to see me
My first day as a drug dealer
Me: Sorry we've run out of coke, is Pepsi ok?
Client: *stab
Me: Ok, have a nice day
Why did the psychic turn her client down?
Because she was only offered a penny for her thoughts.
A lawyer asks his client if she is guilty because he's in love with her.
"I'm just trying to get you off," he says, hopefully not for the last time.
Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.
A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts
down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.
"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"
A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he's got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...
...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?
An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...
During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!
Windows can be fun!
**Client:** How good are you guys at PowerPoint?
**IT Expert:** We Excel at it...
**Client:** Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
**IT Expert:** Word.
Donner Party.
Here's a rare treat....an original joke
At work I was talking with a client who brought up the Donner Party and asked if i knew who the were. I replied that yes, I did. They were the group snowbound in the mountains in the 1800s and turned to cannabalism.
I added that they were supposedly humbled by their experience but I always thought they were full of themselves.
Client laughed.
A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map
He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was really worried he wouldn't like it, but that was a huge relief."
My client is very particular about which classical albums she wants me to restore...
If it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.
How much English can you speak
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
I'm a consultant and I had this odd client who wanted me to always greet him with "Hi!"
Turned out he was allergic to "Hey".
Rich man arrested for m**...
A rich man is arrested for m**... finds an Attorney that says
" Rich people don't to jail, You have too much money to go to jail, I'll represent you"
It was long drawn out trial, and when his client was convicted, the lawyer made sure he didn't have any money left.
An ice cream parlor has been arrested for drug trafficking in my neighborhood
This was yesterday and still cannot believe it. I have been his client most of my life and would never had imagined he sold ice cream
Lawyer: Your honour, what if my client is guilty?
Cruella: w**...? You are supposed to defend me!
Lawyer: Relax. I'm playing de Vil's advocate.
A lawyer and your client have a meet.
The client has a proposal.
If I get ten years on jail I'll pay you $3.000. If i get five years, I'll pay you $5.000. And if i get 1 year I'll pay you $10.000.
The lawyer says ok and will go negociate with the prosecutor. Than he return and says: You need pay me $10.000. We got it! Only one year in a jail. And I have Luck, they tried to not guilt you.
~~Sorry, English is not my native language. I' m try hard.~~
A farmer is caught in a huge storm
He starts praying and swears to god that if he gets out alive,he will sell his only horse and give all of the money to his local church.
Miraculously, he survives, and the next day, he goes to the market to sell his horse. A client then shows up and asks :
-how much for that horse ?
-oh it's very cheap, only 3$. But I'm selling it with that turkey, and the turkey's 6000$!
The phone rings at a local law firm...
"Good morning, Krantz Krantz Krantz & Krantz LLP."
"Is Mr. Krantz available?"
"No, I'm afraid he's in a meeting with a client at the moment."
"And what about Mr. Krantz?"
"He's away in Washington for the week."
"Then, is Mr. Krantz in?"
"Ye- err, wait, it's Tuesday. He's not in until the afternoon on Tuesdays."
"Well! At the very least, could I speak with Mr. Krantz?!"
"Speaking."
I read today in the local newspaper that a barber in the city was arrested for drug trafficking
I was his client for a long time but I didn't know he was a barber
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven
When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"
St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."
The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?"
St. Peter responds, "We added up your client billing time sheets."
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A lawyer gets paid
A client owed his lawyer $100. He handed him a crisp, new $100 bill. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that he actually received two $100 bills stuck together. This presented him with a dilemma. Should he tell his partner or not.
a man was in court, as he was accused of cannibalism…
The Jury was bought by the accusers claims and was ready for the session to be over, however due to formalities the judge was obligated to allow the dfendant one last shot.
His lawyer, realizing the terrible situation, stared at the judge with an intent look and said, If you are what you eat, my client is in fact an innocent man
Innocence
Lawyer: Your Honor, my client was trapped in a penny, she could've never stolen anything.
Judge: What do you mean?
Lawyer: She's in a cent.
At the barbershop
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
\- "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
\- "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech
\- "And what if I s**... it?"
\- "No problem" says the barber.
\- "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
Innocent
Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it? He was acquitted.
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."
By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday, Bill
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client....
First the bad news:
The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."
Client: I want a cup of tea, please.
Waiter: 2 teaspoons of sugar ?
Client: No, I want 5. Is it the same price ?
Waiter: Yes, sugar is free.
Client: OK, don't bring the tea, I want 2 lbs sugar.
